Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Film Review: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

The only thing I ever liked about Indiana Jones was the young pre-dead River Phoenix. Oh and the polystyrene (let's face it) ball rolling bit. But a bit of shlock every now and again (ha! every hour of every day) does no one any harm.
I've not read any reviews of this so I had no idea what the general consensus is (always the best way). At first I thought Hans Solo did look a bit past it, he seemed to have his trousers up really high and was shuffling around a bit. But he warmed up after about ten minutes, and pretty soon he looked about 45 again. Quite impressive for an old dude really, even if he is a little jowly now. Shea Le Bouffant was another story, I thought he was pretty dreadful, Hollywood's very own Stephen Beale. He has a peculiar face, let's face it, he's not in River's league, looks or acting-wise. Mind you EVERYONE'S acting was wooden for the first twenty minutes or so. Cate (Kate? Don't make me look it up) Blanchett's accent was very ropey initially but she settled into it. Jim Robinson only had about two lines and fucked them right up, mate.
But anyway, I'm picking holes. If I wanted to pendantic it up, the ridiculous plot would probably be a good place to start, but that would just make me sound like Christopher Tookey (your favourite fascist film reviewer c/o The Daily Mail). So instead, you might as well just go along for the ride, which I did. The film is well-paced, entertaining, non-draggy with some funny moments (the motorbike chase at the start and the monkey bit were pretty good). I liked the alien theme, and the crystal skull looked very cool. There was a lot of action, the sets were spectacular, and thankfully George Lucas and his freaky beard-as-jawline didn't fuck it up too much (although those moles at the start had his grubby hands all over them).
It does remind you of being a kid and all that Goonies-esque action. It wasn't toooooo cheesy although it walked the line a little at times.
All in all an enjoyable, mindless romp. And why not?
Conclusion: I'd still rather do Ford than La BOOF!

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

The Apprentice: That's What I'm Talking About (The Sequel)

The Apprentice without Raef is like the Daily Mail without the flagrant women-hating. But the fun factor is going to be dismantled further next week with the loss of Michael, part Nikki Grahame, part sulky school-boy from hell. He appeared absolutely shattered in today's episode, and in my opinion he messed up the task deliberately. I think he was ready to go. I'll miss his silly statements such as 'I abhor cars'. Cars ARE stupid, and who would rent one worth thousands? What if you wrapped it round a tree?
So who's left? Whiny, useless Lucinda, who needs her hand holding to go for a wee. Even I know what an Aston Martin looks like. She has to go next week, she's the worst team player ever. Lee didn't help though, treating her with utter disdain; he's a complete moron. He's relatively harmless, but just very, very thick. Surely he can't win it?
Alex- still handsome, still sneaky and dull in his Count Duckula coat. Alan will probably sack him next week and then there will be nothing worth looking at. Sigh.
Who else? Evil Claire: the smuggest face on TV. Just looking at her makes me angry, so it's especially galling that Alan quite likes her, but I wouldn't buy anything off her. She sounds like a bored receptionist giving you the brush off and is utterly insincere. I want to see her fail! I want to see her toppled, dammit.
Oh and then there's Helene, so boring I only learned her name this week. So she left a job with 'comfy carpets'. How often do you check out the carpet at work? I thought Alan was being a bit of a dick to her. So what if Michael was young, he was a buffoon!
PS. Alan, we know your chair is propped up on bits of wood, you fuzzy midget.

Friday, 23 May 2008

American Idol: It could have been me

Here's how to lose HOURS of your life, and you'll never get them back, NEVER! So the final promised to be OK, i.e. both of the contestants could sing, which was a plus. It was a fight between Foetus Archulleta & Designer Stubble Cook. Ryan Seacrest had even put on his guyliner especially, and later he shared it with both the Davids, which was very kind.
In the first round, Frank Butcher forced David Cook to sing U2, which I thought he did quite well actually. It seemed unlikely some weeks back that fish-face David Cook would get so far but he's an OK singer, just utterly uncredible as a rock singer. His second song was pure Avril Lavinge. Pre-pubescent David Archuletta (what an anchor) seemed utterly certain to win, getting the thumbs up all night long.
They both sang loads of shit no one had ever heard of, which is quite rubbish for the final really, the self-indulgent prinks. But in the final round Archuletta pulled it out of the bag, singing Imagine, probably one of the most loved songs of all time (except for me, I hate it). But Cooky squeezed out the tears and smudged his make-up, so that probably got the mum vote.
Paula managed to not turn up drunk for once (a minor miracle) but she did say 'you're standing in your truth' which was rather ridiculous. Randy was really in default mode though; 'molten hot'- check, 'you could sing the phone book'-check, you could just pull a string at the side of him and have him say this rubbish whilst he eats his way to his next lapband (aw I don't mean it, I love Randy in his little red coat, I like it when he goes 'booooo' at Simon).
Now, what IS it with US TV and their product placement? The BBUSA thing was bad enough, but this was beyond a joke plugging that GODAWFUL- looking Mike Myers film. Ben Stiller and Jack Black can just die painfully. It's like they force the contestants to watch it and laugh whilst pointing a gun at their heads. It's an insult to anyone's intelligence.
The results show was beyond a joke, two hours for something that could, realistically, take ten seconds. It felt longer than childbirth. The medleys, the past contestants, the desperate stars rolled out to flog their albums. You COULD NOT get away with this shit on the X Factor, there'd be a revolution.
Seal, for example. Where did they dig him up from? Is he credible now? How did that happen? He's quite buff now, isn't he? He looked like a black Grant Mitchell.
More medleys. Donna Summer in a fright wig. Michael Johns and Carly the tattooed lady made me laugh loads. Bryan Adams. Zed Zed Top. Some USA McFly.
Then came the crowning glory: England's favourite stoner and cottager extraordinaire, George Michael. He must have run out of weed money. I was just thinking how ropey and skinny he looked in his Bono sunglasses when my mum rang up and went, 'He's gorgeous! I've never fancied anyone so much since Elvis. It's a shame he's gay.' That song Praying For Time reminds me SO much of being young, listening to my mum playing that record over and over, that and Status Quo, anyway.
And so here it was, and it was a Will Young/ Gareth Gates style shocker. Old Cooky won by twelve million votes, even after the judges had declared Archuletta the Second Coming. Archuletta's face didn't fall quit as much as I'd hoped, but it was quite amusing hearing Fishy singing his way through this lame pop song that was clearly written for Archuletta. It was like Rhydian losing to Leon all over again! I like it though, I do like the underdog, it has to be said.
So that's it. God bless America and more importantly, Simon fucking Cowell. He still owns us all, and that's that.
Oh yeah, a side note on The Apprentice: I was soooo fucked off Raef went, he was class and a half. I fell asleep halfway through watching it after The Whitest Boy Alive gig and I just woke up as Mrs Tiggywinkle went 'You're fired!' and I couldn't believe my ears. Raef and his DiCaprio-esque advert rocked the casbah. It's all shit from now on. Sob! I guess Michael to win just for comedy value, or Alex for eye-candy value, although I've totally gone off him. It was all about Raef. Old Sugar always fucks it up though, the bozo.
PS. I saw a Big Brother advert today! Exciting!

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Review: The Whitest Boy Alive at Koko

Last night I went to see the interestingly-named German band The Whitest Boy Alive at Koko (that’s the Camden Palace to anyone not 16). I had heard of the band, but had actually got them confused Black Kids (does this make me racist or just stupid?) My friend had a free ticket due to her male friends dropping out because of the football zzzzzz) So I went along for instead. My friend’s friend (who was black and also a last-minute recruit) cracked me up when she heard the name of the band and went ‘Am I going to be lynched?’
Luckily, the band turned out not to be Nazi death-metal, but had a jazzy/ techno vibe going on instead. I know, that sounds worse. But actually it wasn’t too bad. I thought they sounded a bit like Air in parts.
Koko was rammed, so people really like this stuff, but it lacked the punch of a real gig for me. I wanted some screaming, or at least some sweating. The closest we got was a cover of some old 90s trance song (the name has eluded me because my friend’s dad had bought me five vodkas by that point). I think the band were competent musicians but it all had a bit of a soft porn vibe for me.
The encore appeared to be a cover of ‘It’s gonna be a lovely day’ or whatever that song is called, so I think you’re getting an idea of the tone of the gig now- word of the night was mellow. I think my friends dad summed it up best when he said, ‘you might as well stay at home and listen to it on the radio.’ It’s true, the visuals weren’t brilliant, some afro-ed Germans and that was about it. They weren’t exactly showmen.
Having said ALL of this, I was utterly in the minority, my friend (and her friend who’d never heard of them before) absolutely loved it and were dancing the night away playing air-bass (!). A good time was had by all- even (begrudgingly) me.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Dispatches: In God's Name (Barbeque for Eternity)

ARGH! Did you see Dispatches last night! (This is my professional beginning to my blog) Is it fundamentalist Christian month? Apparently sex is solely for pro-creation and not for ‘getting shit on your penis’ (charmingly put). Arghhhhhhhh! Then this guy lumped gays in with murderers and peodophiles! It's so cliched it's untrue! Fucking hell, what century are we in? Just shoot me now, I don't want to share a planet with these loons.
I loved that guy teaching all that old testament hokum saying 'I'm not a science specialist.' Or indeed, a scientist.
Then there was some other whack-job with no sense of humour who got shit on by a seagull. Isn't that good luck? He should be happy!
Narrow-minded, thick, ignorant, cruel, backward. All this and more is what these people are. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people who believe in God, or whatever they like. My mum is a Christian, but she doesn't preach, doesn't try and recruit, doesn't pour poison in about other people's lifestyles. Live and let live. Was that in the Bible? It's pretty unlikely, isn't it?! More likely a rock song.
Why do these religious nuts always have those stupid megaphone things too? Do they hand them out at the brainwashing school?
The anti-abortion rally was a delight. If someone shouted baby-murderer in my face, I'd nut them. These people literally cannot see the wood from the trees, the fact that babies don't fall down from the sky, WOMEN HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TO THEM. IF THEY DON'T WANT TO, THEY DON'T HAVE TO. So just fuck off.
Then they gave out tickets at a gay rally. The documentary guy said 'has any of your leaflets ever stopped someone being gay?' and he said... no.
Fucking hell! This is frightening. This bananas woman (who has parliamentary influence just by her sheer bloody-mindedness) said the world was 4000 years old! Then she got stumped when he questioned her on it. THICK! You're thick, don't tell me how to live, when you're thick as shit. Every time they were challenged, they were like stuttering children who'd forgotten their homework.
I actually thing this sort of megalomania 'it's all part of god's plan for me' is a form of brain damage, so perhaps we should pity them. It's hard though, when they are such nasty humourless people though, who are effectively insulting everyone I know (in factt, almost everyone on earth, including themselves) in one way or another.
Then there was this guy who had the word 'Jesus' stuck to his ceiling to stop him having a wank. He was 29 but looked 45. Isn't loving Jesus a bit gay anyway if you're a man? Is suppressing your desire for even the opposite sex healthy?
Then we got the Islam is a violent religion and all Muslims are the same spiel. And Allah is Satan! Lovely. Whereas the Bible is a fairy-story, right? Oh... actually it is. How ironic that they are accusing another religion of hate and oppression when that's exactly what they're peddling.
Oh my God, then these two blokes proper manhandled those pro-choice women out of he hall! I wish I'd been there, I'd have kicked their fucking heads in, and I'd have added a touch of glamour to the proceedings. It does make me want to go on a pro-choice rally to be honest, but I'd probably just end up ruining the whole thing by being obnoxious. I'd probably be arrested for decking Anne Widdecombe. That would be sooooo worth it though!
A vote to reduce the time limit for abortion to 20 weeks plays right into these people's hands, at will gradually erode our liberties as women. Look at America, for God's sake.
I do need to stop watching this shit. But I just can’t! I'm hooked.

Monday, 19 May 2008

The World's Tallest Woman... and me

This was on last week but I only just watched it... sorry, when Big Brother is back on I will blog RELIGIOUSLY and you know it. I've cancelled summer especially. Just give me a TV and the digital spy messageboard and that's all I'll need for three months straight.
So I was fully expecting the usual channel five style freak-show, and instead I find that speccy bloke off Balls of Steel is trying to set himself up as the next Louis Theroux. Fair enough, I don't mind him much. And Dave Gorman's last documentary was boring as fuck.
So Mark Dolan (yes, that's his name) went (as the title suggests) to try and find the world's tallest woman. Throughout he insists it's not a freak-show, but obviously it is, and he knows it. Besides, that's what people want. Just give them it!
Those men who fancy gigantic women are a bit strange aren't they? Mind you, it could be (and often is) worse (remember the rubber doll documentary? Argh!) It'd be horrible if you knew someone was with you for that, like those feeder guys. Hmm, I could do with one of those feeder guys to bring me loads of KFC every day. Oh my god, what am I saying?!
Then (by accident) he met a woman who was 114 and looked every inch of it. It's a bit cruel really, to be that old. Luckily, I'll never know!
Then he went to meet a REAL giant called Sandy. She had enormous hands and a REALLY deep voice! She was six foot three at the age of 10!
But who he met next was even taller. She was seven foot nine! Her shoes were the biggest things I'd ever seen! They were bloody enormous. She made Mark Dolan look like a toddler sitting next to her.
It's sad really because they are all so tall because of medical conditions like tumours and no one loves them. Aw.
This blog featured way too many brackets. But I LOVE brackets.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Jesus Camp- 'Warlocks are enemies of God'

And about as real.
OK, so I'm a week late but that's the beauty of Sky Plus. I can watch this brainwashing crap whenever the hell I want. Woo!
So this show was about everyone's favourite nutter, the god-botherer. All that speaking-in-tongues thing is a bit scary isn't it? Is it like a license to talk bollocks and thrash around a bit? You can do that off half an E, so I've heard.
A 'children's minister' seems to be someone who shouts at children and destroys their innocence. Lovely. I think it's actually child abuse. She said she wanted to see children 'laying down their lives for the gospel like they are in Palestine.' WHAT?! That noise is an alarm bell ringing! Then Harry Potter got a good grilling. No, not for being shit, which he is, but for being a warlock (?) Had he been in the Old Testament, he would have been put to death. Luckily, both Harry Potter and the Old Testament are stories for the slight of mind, so the speccy wizard is safe.
Watching the children crying at her angry sermon was just delightful. How wonderful. I can't wait to get to Heaven and hang out with these sick fuckers.
Home-schooling is just another way for these people to indoctrinate. Oh my god, why do these people always talk about 'training' their children?!!! Sick bastards. Just love them and look after them and let them be children, they're not bloody soldiers. Make love, not war!
And don't even ask me what all that breaking cups thing was about, I have no bloody clue. As for the cardboard George Bush- well he can't do any worse than the real version.
And that anti-abortion guy. 'A third of your friends never got a chance to live!' I'm having palpitations just thinking about it. Gagging those children was seriously weird. Abort! Abort!
It's all about power. Power and anger.
Finally Christian music is the WORST type of music in the WORLD. Even worse than R Kelly.

Monday, 12 May 2008

Corrie/Enders- The Drugs Don't Work

Good! I'm glad Liam went back to Carla, they were meant to be, and Maria's a whining dolt (even if she is extremely pretty). They had a slow dance to The Drugs Don't Work... what's that all about? It's not the most romantic love song, is it? Just thinking about Richard Ashcroft's fish-face is enough to put me off. Tina was quite funny today, and the whole gay chat was quite amusing. Kirk's girlfriend is well annoying though, she'd better turn out to be a complete psycho or something, otherwise she's an utter waste of space.
I was happy to see the return of Christian in Eastenders, as he is the only actual human in it. As if he could fancy Stephen. Stephen is the opposite of viagra. I hope he's gone forever, please say it's so! And send Lucy Beale after him, the narky little cow.
And what was the deal with Roxy's pregnancy test? I've never seen one with a giant red crucifix in it, normally it's like a little blue dot or something right (not that I'd know). Perhaps it meant she's due to give birth to the spawn of Satan. That doctor bloke wasn't too bad was he? I think he was slumming it with Roxy and her nylon hair. Ricky and Bianca have been an UTTER anti-climax. I can't stand them. He's just about bearable, but she needs drowning, now.

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Film Review: Speed Racer

So about a month ago I was invited to a free screening of this but didn't quite make it (mainly due to it starting at 10am on a Sunday morning and my plus one getting bumped). However, my boyfriend really wanted to see it so he got us tickets to see it at the Imax in Waterloo tonight. I can't say I was OVERLY enthused but he was paying, so what the hell.
It actually was pretty good. The Imax itself is bizarre; a self-aggrandising trailer introduces the film, banging on about how great the sound is, and how crisp the picture is, a little like I imagine Russell Brand rates himself as he's talking you into bed. Yeah the screen is bigger, but you get used to it in about 25 seconds.
So, Speed Racer= Mario Kart + Wacky Races. The script is pretty bad, but laughably so, and less cheesy than say, Independence Day. The special effects/ graphics were really good, like a Manga cartoon on acid. It reminded me a bit of The Cat in The Hat, which also got panned, but I really enjoyed at the time. I loved the sets too, I want to live in an orange house, and hang out with Christina Ricci. I thought Speed Racer kid was quite cute at first but then he verged a bit too much towards Tom Cruise/ Superman cheese territory so I went off him a bit. I love Christina Ricci, obviously, she has the best face ever, but she looked spookily similar to his mum (Susan Sarandon) in this. His little brother appeared to be played by Corey Feldman Stand by Me era/ Chunk from The Goonies. Wasn't too impressed with the chimpanzee character though; haven't they ever seen Monkey Business? Chimps belong in the jungle, not wearing pyjamas in films (mind you, they were cool pyjamas).
Plot holes: yes, but who cares? It was visually a smack in the face, but a good one. I can't stand racing/ car chases normally but the special effects were good enough to make it a visual treat. I wish the world was this colourful. What was the drinking milk thing about? Weird.
The baddie reminded me of David Mitchell playing the evil vicar in Mitchell & Webb... which made him more comical than bad. And what was with all the clockwork-orange style English baddies (with bad teeth naturally)? Racists! I also spotted Ferdy from This Life as one of the commentators. The Japanese guy was quite cute. In fact everyone was quite cool looking really, I liked the way it was all spliced together and the costumes were cool. It took me a while to twig that bloke from Lost, although obviously the 'twist' was blindingly obvious to all (good plastic surgery though- did he have his voice done too?)
The film was overlong and a bit hackneyed, and perhaps a bit violent for kids? But generally it was a LOT better than I expected it to be. Apparently it's either getting slated or raved about- well I fall somewhere in between.
Good at the Imax, probably less good as a dodgy bootleg. So yeah, give your money to The Man, just like this film tells you not to.

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

The Apprentice: That's What I'm Talking About

That team leader guy was a bit full-on, wasn't he? I've never heard him speak before and suddenly he was all 'get in!' and doing impressions of an alarm clock and generally acting like the thickest kind of football hooligan.
That green mosque alarm clock was a bit tasty, wasn't it? I'm quite a purveyor of kitsch but even I'd turn my nose up at that.
Rafe was fucking amazing this week! Everything that came out of his mouth was like pure gold. How did his hair withstand the hot weather at the market? I love his snappy dressing too. He must win!
I still like Alex but only for his looks. He is actually a bit spineless. Still, Claire wasn't fit to pretend to be his girlfriend. She is utterly unbearable in every way.
I was very happy the ginge Jennifer went because she was an absolute wanker. 36? She looked 46. I liked the Irish Jennifer though with her garish lipstick and shirts. It was a shame she went.
Michael aka Nikki Grahame looked like he was going to blow towards the end. He was doing the proper sulky schoolboy act. I was glad he stayed though. He is a funny schmuck!
I thought Alan was being a complete arse this week, moaning at them for saying 'bonjour'. I'd have told him to fuck off, the prickly old curmudgeon. And he couldn't be arsed to fly to Marrakesh either. He's past it! Fire him.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Am I Normal? Sex (If you've got it... flaunt zzzzzzzz)

I've recently discovered the BBC & ITV iplayer things, which has extended my crappy viewing habits into the bedroom (especially since I've become a Grand Theft Auto widow). So they were moaning about this programme in the Mail so I thought it would be good to watch. And it turned out to be quite interesting and to have some vaguely feminist thinking in it so I'm glad I did.
Dr Tanya Byron went to investigate 'cottaging' something I had a vague idea of but had mostly blocked out (it's sex in public toilets- and yes, it seems like a mainly male activity). She met a bloke who'd slept with 5000 men who basically said men were animals (I'm paraphrasing). Well, that's true. Then she went to meet some cunt from Loaded who talked about 'mens roles in the food chain' and said 'men just want pages of girls with their breasts out'. Luckily, I've never ever met a man who reads that shit, because I don't hang around with 14 year old boys. It was a lie when he said Loaded was to make men feel good about themselves, it's actually to make men and women insecure about their looks.
WHAT?! This Loaded model said she and her mum 'did feminism as a degree at university'. What bullshit. I'm not concerned with the 'message' Loaded sends out because it broadcasts it to thick-as-shit chavs anyway. Might as well give them what they think they want.
Next she investigated 'dogging'! (don't think of Phil Mitchell naked, don't think of Phil Mitchell naked, don't think of Phil Mitchell naked) I can't believe people do it in broad daylight! I'm such a prude!
Then she went to see a female sex shop owner who actually talked a lot of sense about how we're not really sexually liberated in Britain and how we live in an anti-feminist society. Dr Byron seemed to think it was impossible for a woman to sleep with someone without falling in love. Aww.
Not sure what the value was of going to meet children beauty pageant contestants and making her flirt with the camera... slightly dubious! It's all very well to complain about it, but you got her to do it! It's that dodgy tabloidy attitude of being disgusted by something whilst printing all the salacious details.
I was interested in the section about female libido and what is a 'normal' sex drive. I was scared of the peodophile section. I was even more freaked out that he had the same name as me. I was even more freaked out that he wanted to have a legal relationship with a 7 year old child. Gulp! He seemed terrifyingly calm.
Dr Byron just wanted to say all people's sexual behaviour was related to their childhood. Well there might be some truth in that but I don't think it's the whole picture. I think some people are just dirty bastards and some people are just sick fucks. But you know... there is no such thing in life as normal. (I've so quoted that in my blog before! I'm recycling my Moz quotes! It's all downhill from here...)

Monday, 5 May 2008

Film Review: Super High Me

You can probably hazard a guess what this is about. Stand-up comedian Doug Benson saw Super Size Me whilst stoned and decided to get stoned for 30 days on the trot. A minor flaw perhaps, was he already seemed to spend his entire life stoned, so had to go cold turkey for a month beforehand. Slightly unscientific considering he gave up booze too, so perhaps any health benefits could be attributed to that as well. Although to be honest, there weren't that many. No, actually that's not true; a the start of the film he looked like he could barely open his eyes he was so stoned, and his skin did look a lot better after three weeks off it.
The film ripped off quite a bit of Super Size Me, from the visits to the doctors, the psychiatrist, and the dope shop (oh, that bit was different). I was quite surprised that medical marijuana is actually legal in California (although what Doug's excuse for getting it was, I had no idea). They had a dope shop like in Amsterdam, although federal law beats state law (and dope is still illegal according to federal law) and they kept coming and raiding it. There was a serious point to be made here, that cannabis does have some pain-relieving value and some people genuinely do use it for that reason (and why shouldn't they, it is a plant after all, it's natural). I really don't understand all the legal wrangling about dope- it is fairly harmless (unless you find sleepy zombies threatening, I personally like my zombies very sleepy) and would make a fortune for governments if they legalised it (a billion dollars a year in America). Maybe the economy would collapse because everyone was so stoned, but I doubt it.
The film was also interspersed with Doug's stand-up comedy which was quite hit and miss but has some funny bits. There was something mildly tragic about this man clearly approaching middle-age acting like a 16 year old stoner, but there was something kind of admirable about it too. I guess if you want to behave like a teenager forever, being a stand-up comedian is the right job for you.
So in the high month he smoked dope all day (mainly through a vapouriser) and became more psychic (!), couldn't do simple maths and put on 8 pounds (the munchies!)
Probably the best part was that after all that you'd think he'd give up, at least for a while, but the first thing he did after the 30 days were up was light another spliff! Literally no moral to the story whatsoever. Perfect.
What I liked about this film was that if this story about smoking dope had been an investigation in the Daily Mail ('my drug hell') where some straight journalist would have done it for 30 days, by the end they would have been having psychotic visions, stabbing their neighbour and moving onto mainlining heroin. In reality, all dope-heads do is sit around smoking, giggling a bit and eating. Forever. And that's about it.