Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Richard D Hall - The Truth Hurts tour 2012

I went to Richard D Hall’s ‘The Truth Hurts’ tour on Sunday night which I just haven’t had time to blog until now. If you don’t know who Richard D Hall is, read my Richplanet.tv blog, and you’ll still probably be none the wiser, but they show his conspiracy theory based show on Showcase and his older shows about UFOlogy (Richplanet.net) on Controversial TV.
Since I wrote my last blog my interest in conspiracy theories has increased, and watching 7/7 documentary ‘Ripple Effect’ didn’t exactly help matters. It’s not like I’m going into this blindly and just believing anything I see: in the interests of fairness (and because I wanted to believe it wasn't true!) I then watched the BBC Conspiracy Files which promised to debunk the 7/7 ‘truth’ documentaries, and all it did was make me believe it even more. It was such a hatchet job and didn’t even address some of the biggest points (the 'mystery' Jaguar/ Canary Wharf shootings). The BBC debunking of 9/11 was just as useless - huge holes. If you want to debunk something, go through it step by step, don't say that the dude who made Ripple Effect has a 'sinister voice' because 1. he didn't, he just has a monotone voice, and 2. Jeremy Clarkson has a sinister voice and the Haunted Hamster has a sinister face so let's not go down that road.
We drove to the London leg of The Truth Hurts tour in Walton-on-Thames (not anywhere near London, incidentally, but near(ish) to my house. The crowd was quite normal (no tin foil hats), and I recognised a few previous guests from various Richplanet TV shows. Check out his car, though (well I’m presuming it’s his car, unless someone is a seriously big fan - and I even badly photoshopped out his numberplate in case the Illuminati are after him), not only has it got an alien on the back, it’s got a post-it note dispenser in the front. Reverse engineer that, mofos.
Richard himself (who did NOT agree to an interview with me, probably because of my comments about his singular brown shirt and silken mane) had swapped his brown shirt for a brown suit made out of Teflon (maybe it's laser-beam proof?). I like the fact he pretended to do his show at the start but he didn’t make enough of the ‘bullshit’ button in my opinion. Also, the bullshit button should come as standard on the merch stall - I'd buy one.
The presentation was a bit budget, too, he didn’t even have a clicker for his PowerPoint presentation. Even the all-staff meetings I used to do at Save the Children were slicker (I know, because I used to cry blood, sweat and tears to make them so). But hey, it's tenner. And he said he doesn't even get paid for his TV shows.
Plenty was covered, from the economy, to media manipulation, 9/11, 7/7, mind control, Manchurian candidates, UFOs and animal mutilation. I found the Manchurian candidate/ mind control section particularly interesting, especially the part about Sabina Eriksson and her twin sister who he suggested were clones! The fact Raoul Moat might have killed David Rathband because he was having an affair with a 7/7 witness who had possibly been mentally tampered with was quite interesting, too. The part about Derrick Bird and the reasons he might have shot his solicitor were quite compelling, too – but would the water board really go to that much trouble, and why did he kill another 12 or so (just to make sure)?
We’d already seen the 9/11 film he showed in the break because we’re such fankids. 9/11 is completely confusing me now: the conspiracy theorists can no longer agree on a consensus, and even Richard has changed his mind about what happened. Was it a controlled explosion? Were the plane videos faked (er, no). Was it a holographic plane and a drone? I doubt it. But something fishy is going on – that passport that survived the wreckage is still well dodge, plus a LOT of other things. And some of that footage DOES look CGI-ed. My boyfriend asked Rich if the planes weren’t real, then what happened to the people on those planes and he said it’s the question he gets asked the most. But he didn’t really have an answer. He did say that even after the planes crashed you could still book seats on them which was highly unusual as normally once everyone has gone through check in, boarding for flights closes. Doesn’t really answer what happened to those people, though. Oh, he also said that he didn’t believe phones worked on the planes and the final calls weren’t real. Someone called their mum and said (I paraphrase), ‘Hi, it’s Joe Bloggs here, mother.’ You don’t have to introduce yourself with your full name when calling your mum (well, maybe Prince Charles does). He also said he thought a politicians’ wife who was on one of the planes was a plant.
 He got a couple of shirty questions from the audience and he seemed a bit touchy, but I think they were fair questions and I’m sure he’s heard worse.
I could have done without the animal mutilation pictures. But I do agree it’s odd that someone stole 1,500 sheep and no one noticed; the YouTube video he showed for that bit was funny. In fact we were laughing all the way through, in all the wrong places. All in all, I really enjoyed the evening, and it was good seeing Richard up close and personal. I’m still not convinced he believes everything he’s saying, but it’s good that he’s open to changing his mind, even though it potentially makes him look a bit flaky.
Either way, and whether you believe any of it or not (and I believe a lot more than I did three months ago) it’s very interesting, and I’d encourage everyone to investigate all angles of a story, not just the angle we’re fed on shows like ‘the One Show’. Richard said ‘the One Show’ at one point, and the way he said it, you think he’d just said ‘Ian Huntley.’
I like Richard, anyway, and I think he’s funny, and a smart man, and worth listening to, even if you think some of the subject matter is silly. Some of it IS silly, but the fact the economy is a lie, the media is a lie, and some of the worst terrorist atrocities of all time might have been false flag operations (ie. perpetrated by our own governments) should be enough to make us at least sit up and take notice. And I’m pretty sure aliens have been here, now. Just look up the Disclosure project where astronauts and many military personnel testified in court to have had alien contact, including touching ETs, and including someone who’d been on the moon and said there are buildings on the dark side of it. Just because you never read about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening; you don’t read about it because there’s a cover up and the media is heavily controlled. Also: the Ark of the Covenant containing Moses’s bits of slab with the Ten Commandments on is apparently buried in Wales, and they’re going to dig it up soon, so if that transpires, you have to believe ALL OF IT! OK? Deal.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Bidisha's writing workshop at the Mosaic Rooms

How often do you get something amazing for free? Not very often. So I was quite jammy to spot that Bidisha was doing a creative writing class at the Mosaic Rooms in Earls Court on Twitter.
For those who don't know who Bidisha is, she's a really brilliant feminist writer whom I've admired for the past couple of years, so the chance to get to go and learn about creative writing from her wasn't one I was going to pass up - so I booked the day off work! It's like two of my best ever things rolled into one - like a Morrissey/ Bright Eyes double bill, so I was really looking forward to it.
The class was a one-off too, as a thank you to the venue for launching Bidisha's latest book so I was really lucky to get to go to it. The building is beautiful and the room we were in was very special, with fantastic Iraq war-inspired art. I was a total fangirl and turned up first like teacher's pet.
Bidisha is very well-spoken and beautiful in the flesh; tiny and stylish, with punky bracelets and tattoos. She was so warm and lovely and answered every question we had. I told her that now I write for a living I find it so hard to write in the evenings and she was like, 'don't beat yourself up for having a full time job' and said I needed to book 10 days off to just concentrate on writing. I do really want to go on a retreat because I think I need that head space to start my next novel - not sure I can get 10 days off for that, though! She said when you write journalistically you can lose touch with the kind of writing you want to do which is so true.
She set us short exercises and we blitzed through so much stuff: I probably learnt as much in those three hours as I did on the first year of my creative writing degree: and I didn't have to pay 12K - that hasn't gone down for the past 10 years - for the privilege. I've got pages of useful tips.The group was really lovely too and all eager to learn, with some obvious talent there. It was like a training course that people actually wanted to be on!
Although feminism wasn't touched on overtly (although I saw flashes of it there!) learning from someone I really respect as a writer and a feminist was so inspiring.
I feel like Bidisha has given me hope that I can be the writer I want to be; that it's not lazy to come home from work writing all day and not have any braincells left to use my imagination. But I can't use that as an excuse either: I need to set time aside if I'm going to write another novel.
A friend of mine says Bidisha scares her and that gives me a thrill. I want to be so passionate about what I believe in that I scare people! The amount of shit she gets on The Guardian website just for her opinion is the scary part: the amount of shit women get just for speaking their mind. But I think Bidisha would make a great ally; I think she's fiercely loyal and I love her strong opinions. I just love the fact she just comes out and says exactly how she feels about the world.
I'm grateful to Bidisha for giving us that time and I really learnt a lot. I hope my paths cross with hers again some day as I'd love a chat about feminism with her, too!

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Eurovision 2012: Medieval C3POs

Ok I've been in a cab and I'm at my friend's house. Cheryl was miming! WTF. Her song sounded like cheesy trance that had been left out in the sun.
Wow those hosts look smooth. I haven't missed any either. Thanks Yellow Cabs of Morden.
OMG we're up first. What an anti climax. Thankfully I haven't heard this song. Yet.
UK: Englebert's sideburns are amazing. I have been handed a scorecard. We're voting on song quality, performance and dance/outfits. OMG he's so creepy. He looks like David Dickinson at a funeral. Those dancers are crap, too. Did will.i.am arrange those pyrotechnics? My score was 5 out of 30. That was generous. Someone else on this sofa gave it 20. Madness.
Hungary: glow bands. Pleather.
Good use of the walkway. Funny little ears. No one seems very impressed.
I feel like such an unsociable twat writing this blog - on my phone - in a roomful of people I've just met. They must think I'm Will.i.am or something. Fuck, that's twice I've mentioned Will.i.am now. Stop mentioning will.i.am. Will.i.am! Fuck, it's like Tourettes.
Albania: she's got a beehive with a ratstail! The ratstail is glued to her chest. Unless you've seen this with your own eyes you cant imagine it. Omg she's creepy, too. She's got Bluetooth on, too. This is truly horrendous. This is the song they've got playing on a loop in hell. Dolphin times.
Lithuania: blindfolded man. What a gimmick. It's a bit literal, isn't it. Wow his dancing is amazing. Sadly love is not deaf as well as blind. Someone just asked me 'who I was blogging for'. Er...
I had to answer 'myself'. The shame!
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Lady Faga. This is barely worth commenting on. Wind machine.
Russia: some old dears. I just noticed the building this show is being hosted in. It's very cool. Wow are these old grannies on the toilet? Wicker shoes. They're nice. If a little prickly. Is that an oven? Sexist. Everyone in this room is really enjoying this. All bar one. I hope they start rapping soon. Oh they just made some biscuits. Bet they've got marijuana on them.
Iceland: my friend thinks this is is the guy from Sigor Ros. I beg to differ. That could be Claire from Steps tho. I'm beginning to lose faith already. It's the first violin we've seen but I bet not the last.
Cyprus: I'm starting to feel quite un-European. Oh ok this is more like it. Camp and a table made out of some books. What books though, I'd like to know. A bit of Dan Brown, I reckon an possibly a copy of 'Where did the towers go?' Trancey and a bit of the washing machine. What more could you want?
France: don't vote for them cos they never vote for us. Gymnasts and a cardboard box. Do we get a half time break? We should.
Italy: who'd have thought Amy Winehouse was Italian? And alive? And shit?
Azerbaijan actually looks quite nice. Like Blackpool.
Estonia: Someone has just pointed out he's got a boner. That is disgraceful. A hard on and a waistcoat. That's just too much. FILTH.
OMG I just stood on my friend's weighing scales. I think they must be malfunctioning. Fucking hell. *cries and eats crisps*
Norway: Josh Hartnett meets Peter Andre does techno. I think this is quite good. Probably my fave yet.
What are all these weird pods they're sitting in? Oh Englebert. Even Blue were better than you.
Azerbaijan: she's got some Angelina lips. Someone is on a magic carpet behind her. The song is super duff tho.
Romania: drums. Futuristic bagpipes. Accordion. I wonder what Tony who isn't on stage plays? This song is gash. Yes, I said gash.
Denmark: I've spotted the disease ridden feather - sorry, singer. Kerry Katona seems to be in the background. I think someone's slipped the drummer some E. I like the fact none of it seems to fit together.
Greece: Shakira. You make me dance like a maniac. You make me want to smoke crack. Well, at least she's enthusiastic. It's a catchy one: we know the words already.
Sweden: Euphoria. It's got to have the washing machine in it then. Claudia Winkleman! This sounds like that old shit Cheryl was knocking out earlier. It's snowing! Or dandruff. Oh Graham's nicked my joke. Fucksticks. I know I should do this on Twitter but I'm too old skool. Who will read this blog? Why am I bothering? What is the meaning of life?
Turkey: Bruno doing a sea shanty. It's like a bad dream but really happening. Hopefully we'll wake up soon. I did set my alarm, didn't I? Half a bottle of Cava later and I no longer care about looking like a social leper. Wow they just created a Lycra pirate ship. WTF. I am still asleep, right?
Spain: it's one of those one serious 'woman standing there' ones. I've just opened a bag of marshmallows. They don't have any fat in them, right? To give Spain its dues, I booked my holiday to Ibiza today. But still, fuck this song.
Germany: this song is written by Jamie Cullum At least we don't have to look at Jamie Cullam. Dude has a beanie on and looks like he's dressed entirely from Gap. He's kind of cute. I don't mind it. It's like pop indie.
Malta: Washing machine. Quiffs. Yellow socks. Flipper feet! I like the enthusiasm.
FYR Macedonia: it's Lisa from Big Brother, that's Lisa of 'I'm dunking my biscuit in this hot sugary tea' rather than Lisa, friend of idiot David who the Irrepressible Dark Horse brought down with a verbal assault to end all verbal assaults. But I digress.
Ireland: Jedward look hot. I know it's wrong to say that as I just said it in a room full of people and was told. They still can't dance in time, bless 'em. Who's that in the background? I think it's Louis Walsh, Paddy Doherty and their mum. I'm slipping below the waterline. The love heart thing was too cute. I heart Jedward. They so should have won Celeb BB. That was sexy in the end when they got all wet. Sent a shiver down my spine, it did *pervert*.
Serbia: how can you follow Jedward with this? Dreary. There's a dude with a dress and some panpipes. This'll probably win it.
Ukraine: I'm in a room predominantly full of gay people who said 'she looks like a tranny'. I couldn't possibly comment. Except to berate them for their transphobia. Via my blog. She's rubbing her crotch. That's a bit weird. Oh, we're past the watershed. It's fine.
Moldova: Colin Farrell in lederhosen. And some women in lampshades who look like the cheeky girls. What a way to end.
The hosts look like they're going to an 80s wedding.
Eurovision actually goes quite fast when you watch it with people who are enjoying it rather than your boyfriend.
The problem with Eurovision is the voting goes on for waaaaaaay too long. Where's the acrobatics you normally get in the middle? I feel jibbed. Oh, here it is, shit. Leandro is singing. Jordan must have given him the night off from looking simultaneously startled and confused at her array of exes and children. Leandro is actually chewing gum and singing. I hope someone writes to Points of View about this atrocity of manners.
If you're interested in my scores it's Jedward, then Cyprus, Norway, Malta and Germany.
The voting begins. Only 42 countries to get through *grits teeth*. The voting always makes me furious.
As usual it's just votes for neighbours except Italy, France, Spain and Ireland all hate each other so we can't win that way. But we love Jedward so who cares?
1 point from Belgium, yeah fanks.
My friend just had a powercut. We're now sitting in the dark but we've managed to get it going on two mobile phones. This is quite surreal.
Ah fuck I think we've missed who we voted for. It better be Jedward. Who gave our votes? Was it Fearne? I demand to know.
Why do Serbia have so many points? They were dire. DIRE. Ireland have 28 at the mo. We have 1 point.
I think watching the Eurovision on three mobile phones in the dark might be the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of humanity.
Jedward were just described as 'medieval C3POs' in this room. That's better than anything I've written tonight.
Firemen have just arrived in my friend's block of flats. I hope this block isn't on fire. I don't want to die watching Eurovision on a mobile phone. Not during the scores, anyway.
That Lordy bloke is super annoying. Even at about 3 inches high.
God, I'll never complain about watching these scores again. Oh, apparently the next door flat set their hob on fire so it's their fault we're sitting in the dark CRYING.
We're second from bottom. And Norway are bottom but I quite liked them! Ireland gave us a measly 4 points. Thanks a lot.
Sweden (aka Claudia Winkleman) won. Oh. We're still in the dark, and possibly on fire. But hey, Jedward gave me the last sexual thrill of my life. Jepic. Goodnight.

The Voice: Dope on a rope

Evening all! I'm a bit under the cosh tonight as I'm writing this blog and then dashing off to a Eurovision party, which I'll be blogging as ever. Because what you want after three hours of Eurovision is to relive it all, right?
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.

Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

The Voice: the sore loser edition

Oh so they've changed their clothes to give the illusion that it's a different night. That's nice of them to bother. Well, Holly's got half changed at least. Oh they're letting Reggie out of the backroom again. Apparently in an interview when he was trying to be a rapper he dismissed tv talents shows as a load of old horseshit. It's hard to pay those bills on the mean streets, though, isn't it? Dope!
Just a FYI Jessie: zig zag partings are not back in fashion. And never will be. What next, bringing back the bindi? Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.
Vince/ Brian Harvey is first through. God knows how, he's so unlikeable it feels like he should be hanging round with Peaches Geldof.
Why does Jessie always talk as if she's delivering some terminal cancer results? She's got that Cheryl Cole way of speaking, as if she's announcing the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I barely know who Paloma Faith is, and only from the pages in Heat where they slag off what you're wearing. She's in it most weeks.This show has been all filler and no killer so far.
BO is through! Well, obviously. She has more star quality in her eyelashes than the entire judges' panel, let alone the contestants. She has a presence on the screen that none of the others have. If she doesn't win it, I'd be very, very surprised.
Deano/ Chris Fountain/ Moon brother isn't handling himself very well in the green room. Looks like he's about to do a little lip wobble if his doesn't get his own way. Should have had something more useful in those pockets; like some charisma.
I hope Becky gets through out of Jessie's team as she's the most interesting. Cassius: dull. Toni: not a chance. Yep, Jessie did the right thing, there.
A jazzy version of Roxanne: that's just the ticket. Fast forward. Both these two can fuck right off in my opinion. Overrated bullshit and over-indulgent twaddle.
Deano is doing some proper sad facing. I don't think it's going to get him through, though. Because he's not much cop. Acting like a spoilt brat on TV is never a good idea. Just ask Nikki Grahame. Is he going to start crying? It's quite unprofessional. Take it like a man, kiddywinks. This is hilarious. I wouldn't want to be the one offering emotional first aid to him tonight. Looks like he might go put his fist through a window. Or maybe chuck one of his teddybears on the floor and stamp on it. He's only 17! He's acting like he's fucking seven. Mind you, it's probably past his bedtime. Night!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

The Voice: Tonight every think counts

Bo Bruce tonight, thank God. I do think The Voice is getting a hard time in the press. It's good fun! Mind you, I loved Fame Academy. Who can forget the lovely Lemar and Ainslie? They were lush. Besides, Britain's Got Talent is TIRED. I pity anyone watching that old horseshit. Damn that dancing dog! Damn him to hell.
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week?  Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV. 
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap. 
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE! 

Sunday, 13 May 2012

The Voice: the Olympics of singing

Greetings boyos! Yes, The Voice is like the Olympics of singing, in that it comes into your life, shrieking about how wonderful it is, and leaves you feeling empty. I exaggerate. The Olympics is much shitter. And much harder to avoid.
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue.  I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Paradise Lost, Damian Echols and the WM3

My brother recommended the Paradise Lost documentaries to me, something I knew absolutely nothing about, and went into completely cold. I seem to be a bit out of it as a lot of people seem to be in the loop, or to have at least seen the first one.
I watched all three over a period of about five days. I don’t think the documentaries are even particularly good; they're all overlong, and at least three or four hours could have been left on the cutting room floor. But the subject matter just grabs you round the throat. I’m not going to go into all the factual details as you can find them out yourself if you’re interested, but it involves three 8-year-olds being murdered, the ‘West Memphis Three’ – teenagers at the time who were fingered for the murders (basically because they wore black and listened to metal) and one huge miscarriage of justice. Just heart-wrenching stuff.

Spoilers coming! Skip to the next section after the gap if you don't know what happened and might watch them:
Throughout Paradise Lost 2 I was CERTAIN one of the children's stepdad's Byers was guilty (he had his teeth removed!) so by the third one when he changes sides to support the West Memphis Three, it feels unreal. The miscarriage of justice is so huge, so unfair, and so blatant it can’t be underestimated.
By the third one when you see they are STILL in prison in 2011, I was properly panicking. They didn’t show Damien Echols for ages and I was certain they’d fried him. I was certain from the first film he’d be dead before they sorted the whole mess out. And he would have been, if not for these documentaries and the support of such random people as Eddie Vedder, Johnny Depp and Henry Rollins.
The fact that they finally released them (after nearly two decades) and still made them plead guilty makes me sick to my stomach. The person who murdered those little boys is still out there. More than that; the police force that conspired to destroy Damien and the other teenagers’ lives should be brought to justice. What they did was unforgivable. The fact they forced them to still say they were guilty (just so they couldn’t sue, I presume) is absolutely disgraceful. I really hope they are going to be appealing from now until the end of time, because that wrong must be righted.

OK, you may read on!
Following watching these documentaries,  I tracked down a copy of Damien Echol’s book he wrote on Death Row, ‘Almost Home.’ (I had to track it down online as it doesn’t seem available to buy, unfortunately, well not unless you've got 3 grand knocking about) I highly recommend it, he writes in a very simple-to-read engaging way. I don’t normally like reading about people’s childhood, but he is such a compelling writer. There’s just something very interesting about him, and his matter-of-factness. There is just something so magnetic about him: he had sad, haunted eyes before his near-two decades in prison; now he looks like a ghost, and his eyes tell the whole story even if you didn’t know a word. He is such an eloquent, thoughtful person and he seems so calm in the face of this horrendous shit-storm, and the injustice that they still have to swallow to this day. It was inspirational to read about how he coped in prison.
They’re doing a big Hollywood movie of the story this year, and another documentary, West of Memphis, will be released soon, but this simple book told me more about the story than anything else. The way the police (and later prison guards) treated him was utterly horrific. But when he described becoming a Buddhist, and meeting his wife, it seemed somehow that he was destined for this path in life. His life before prison was even worse, in some ways. And he said he’d go through it all again if it meant meeting his wife. The way he speaks about her in the final chapter of that book is probably the most romantic thing I’ve ever read. I bawled my eyes out.
If you haven’t watched Paradise Lost, watch it. Watch the films, watch the new documentary when it comes out. It’s such an important story, it needs to be heard. I dread to think how many other people are languishing in prison because of prejudice and dodgy, ignorant, prejudiced police.
Also, if anyone has the Piers Morgan interview Damian and his wife, can they let me know? I spent about three hours trying to find a copy. I can only guess they’re saving the good shit for Paradise Lost 4 or it’s in West of Memphis. I can't remember if it was the Larry King interview or a clip of the Piers one I saw where they said to him 'So if you're sitting in prison all this time for a crime you say you didn't do, that must be quite frustrating?' and Damien goes, 'Frustrating is one word for it.' How restrained a reply is that?
It's not frustrating, it's sick. More needs to be done to right this wrong, to arrest the other suspect, and to bring the police to task. This situation has gone on long enough.
In the meantime, I hope Damian writes another book because I really want to read it. I also really hope that him, Jason and Jesse can find some happiness in the outside world. They've waited long enough.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

The Voice: Sonic thumbprint

On the US voice, all the women get kicked out every week, so I hope that's not going to be the same tonight.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.
Will.i.am's Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.    
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

The British Soap Awards 2012

For my sins, I've blogged this for the last three years, but I only watch one soap now, Corrie. I'm so proud of myself for giving up Eastenders; there's only so many different ways they can insult you as a viewer before you have to vote with your remote. Still, at least this will be an easy way to catch up on what I missed. The only thing I miss about Eastenders is Christian and Syed. The rest can go fuck themselves.
And in truth, Corrie's been a bit duff lately, too. The always-brilliant Carla and smoking-masterclass-champ Peter are much underused in favour of the tedious interfering Stella (still not mastered that accent). Mary has outstayed her welcome by about 18 months. Julie and her boyfriend are pathetic. Eileen's boyfriend's lips creep me out and his wife is ridiculous (although the Tv smashing scene was hilarious). But worse is their appalling decision to bring back Terry Duckworth. He can't fucking act! He makes Nick Cotton look like Kenneth Brannagh. Tommy 'I'm not balding, it's the lighting, even in daylight' Duckworth can also go fuck a duck; to think Tina used to be with the lovely Graham and now has to put up with this pillock. Poor girl. Kevin and Sally: tedious. Sunita has had a personality transplant. Tyrone's girlfriend is a cow. Marcus, Maria and Sean: tedium. And you can't make Roy's mum Blanche just by giving her Blanche's lines. Soz. And as for Betty's week long send off; it made me want to drown in a vat of hotpot.
Jack 'the public are watching us!' Branning won sexiest man, again. I personally don't like men who look like the missing link, but that's just me. Syed would be my pick, I'll never forget how he looked on that horse on his wedding day. The fact they try and sell Tommy Duckworth to us as a hunk is embarrassing. I'd rather fuck his dad, Terry Duckworth; at least he'd probably do some decent dirty talk rather than staring at his own chest in the mirror.
Fucking hell, Keith Lemon just turned up, but it's OK, cos I'm 50 minutes behind so the fast forward is going to be on heavy rotation. Now he's groping Michelle Keegan (sexiest female). Lovely. One things for sure, she's too good for that one out of The Wanted who looks like he's permanently sniffing a fart.
I'm surprised the actress who plays Becky has turned up. Thought she'd gone all posh now with her dark hair and treading the boards and all that. It must be like going to an old work do, so fair play to her for coming. In fact, I think the correlation is clear: Corrie's gone down the toilet since she left.
Ace Batty might be one of the best names on the planet, after Mardy Fish, obv.
Frank Foster won best villain, which he deserves, because he does make my skin crawl. It doesn't help that he looks just like John Leslie, it adds that extra level of creepy. Frank thanked 'God'. Did God have a lot of input into the portrayal of a rapist? Weird. Carla looks absolutely stunning. I still have no idea how old Carla is. She could be anything from 30 to 45.
Wow, Emmerdale looks spectacularly rubbish. Hollyoaks looks quite good, that murder looked interesting, but I think I'm a bit old to start watching that, plus I've got no space in my planner.
Can't believe Tyrone's girlfriend won best newcomer, she's so annoying. I hope she makes herself useful and stabs Tyrone. Is she can't be bothered to do that, she can fuck off. I don't really have time for a 'man being emotionally abused by girlfriend' storyline, because it's just more grist to the 'women do it, too!' mill. 
Don't remind us how close Carla got to killing Stella. Why didn't she finish the job? Shit, this blog is making me think I'm going to end up stopping watching Corrie eventually, too. Perhaps I'll only ever watch high-brow programmes from now on. Well, until the Big Brother double bill in June.
I don't like Becky's brown hair! Brown is dowdy. Blondes forever! I know she's trying to get away from 'Becky' but she shouldn't have played her so well, then.
How could Hamster girl from Eastenders win best young performance over Simon? Come on now. No one can beat Simon. Simon's better than ANYONE in any soap.
Jerry Hall looks like a piece of old gristle. Tanya from Eastenders looks really nice. I always think she's from the same tribe as me, like Esther Rantzen's annoying daughter who's on Watchdog. You recognise your own tribe when you see it. I recognise the teeth and the boobs.
Pat Butcher is getting the Lifetime Achievement award, which I guess is fair enough. It's weird when you hear her speak all posh.
Billy's WIG! Ah, Ferry Penwick. Even Eamonn Holmes was taking the piss out of Billy's wig on This Morning the other day saying he looked like Joe Pesci. When Eamonn Holmes is digging you out on telly, you know you're fucked.
That Bradley Walsh thing was weird but Simon was too cute. I'd actually give birth if I could be guaranteed a Simon. And that's saying something. Unfortunately, I'd end up with an Amy.
Roy's mum won Best Comedy Performance. Really?
Dennis from Corrie! There's another person we didn't need back. Owen. Gary. Izzy. Chesney. God, there's almost no one I like in it. Norris is cool, obv, but Mary is dragging him down. He doesn't need a sidekick. Sidekicks are always, always bad. Just ask Tails.
I do think Max and Tanya are good in Eastenders, so I suppose I do miss them a bit. Max is another champion cigarette smoker; him, Peter Barlow and Becky should have a smoke-off. And he said 'many thanks'. I know I'll want to sneak a peek when Sharon comes back, but I won't.
Oh Christ, a Betty tribute. I thought we were done. Yeah, hotpot! Whatevs.
I'm glad Katherine Kelly won best exit (and I remembered her name). They gave her a good send off after ruining her character a bit.
Those (new) Moon brothers are the reason I stopped watching Eastenders. It was like Chris Fountain; ugly 'hunks' with no personality being shoehorned in. Simon Ashdown does write the good Eastenders episodes, so good that you can tell when he's written them. It's a shame the other writers aren't even nearly up to scratch. Just not good enough, I'm afraid. I'm sick of writers in jobs where they can't write! I edit a magazine for my day job and the stories that are always the worst written are ones written by journalists (ie. the ones I nick from the local press). Is being able to write even a qualification for being a journalist? It makes me want to weep.
Good to see Peter Barlow nominated for Best Actor. Remember that weird episode they did this year when he was in every scene? It was like he was teleporting across Weatherfield. I like it when the directors do a little in-joke like that, it's quite good, and creates a little Twitter buzz. Like when Jason and Tina went to a club and did pills, but it was never explicitly mentioned, but they were stroking each other and 'chilling out' wearing glowsticks and chewing their faces off. I couldn't believe what I was seeing (this was not a dream!) But Twitter didn't exist then, so I can't prove it happened. Oh, someone from Emmerdale won.
Hope Carla wins Best Actress, she deserves it. Oh, she did! Good. I thought the rape storyline was really good, until she had to start working with Frank at the factory again, as that was completely unrealistic and cheapened it a bit.
Why does Eastenders always win best soap? It's fucking dire. It's unwatchable. I'd rather Doctors won! Maybe this time next year I'll have ditched Corrie and I'll be a soap free zone. See you in 2013. Or on Saturday, for The Voice.


My boyfriend and I have got a new obsession, which will probably go the same way as our Placebo obsession (ie. quietly filed away but still loved, just less passionately) but at the moment, it’s riding high.
Richplanet.tv is a show on Showcase (channel 201, Sky TV people, and I think you can get it on Freesat, too). Showcase itself is an eye-opener, with cheapo adverts for strange conspiracy theory books, and sites like www.aircrap.com. Now who wouldn’t want to look at a site called that?
To say Richplanet.tv is low budget would be an understatement; I think it’s actually filmed in Richard D Hall’s living room. He sits in front of a green screen, clumsily reading from his notes (I don’t think he’s got an autocue in his bedroom) and with a cheap black plastic sofa for his guests, who are super-imposed badly on a background showing the Earth behind them. I heard if you smoke DMT aliens show you the control panel to the universe; this is like that, except not so much.
Richard himself has a mid-90s footballer haircut, and one brown shirt. I think he’s Welsh, my boyfriend thinks he’s Geordie, but he films the show in Milton Keynes, so who knows. There seems to be no Wikepedia page about him, and even his own website, Richplanet.net doesn’t seem to have an ‘about me’ section, unless I just can’t find it amongst all the gubbins. We’ve only been watching him about two months, so if you know more about him, let me know, as I want to know EVERYTHING.
His ‘guests’ are brilliant, clearly just his friends, who turn up and sit on the couch in their jogging bottoms and their Metallica t-shirts (I’m serious). The ‘mind control’ expert looked like a 14-year-old boy, although I did like him suggesting Paul McCartney had been killed in a road accident and replaced with ‘Fall McCartney’ in the late seventies. When Richard said the others could be ‘Fingo Starr, Fon Lennon and Forge Harrison’, even he was laughing. Forge Harrison does work particularly well. On the same show they discussed a half-robotic cat that had been implanted with a chip so it could spy on conversations but sadly got run over by a taxi. ‘All that money wasted,’ Richard opined.
My favourite moment ever was when Richard read out a letter from a guy refusing to pay his council tax because ‘the council funds terrorism’ and Richard deadpanned, ‘Good luck with that.’ I really want an update on that story and how it’s going. He also did a highly scientific survey where he went into a pub and asked 5 men if they thought there were UFOs in a nearby field, and three out of the five agreed.
At the end of his show, he says, 'Don't forget to believe only half of what you see and none of what you read.' Or something like that, I forget. But does he include his own show in that?
This blog so far might read like I’m taking the piss, but I truly enjoy this show, and I believe at least 50% of it. I do believe in UFOs, the New World Order, and that 9/11 was an inside job (I just watched Loose Change). I don’t think conspiracy theories should be dismissed because they’re ‘crackpot’. If you are dismissing them out of hand without even considering them, then you really are exactly where they want you. In the cage of your own construction!
I think my only problem is that I’m not convinced Richard believes everything he says. With David Icke you know he REALLY means it, because he will tell you for eight hours in a repetitive and shouty fashion whilst pacing up and down angrily and pronouncing human with a 'y'. But with Richard, I do feel like he’s taking the mick sometimes too. This is why I’d like to know more about him. I’d also like to know if he believes in the lizards.
Anyway, my boyfriend just bought me tickets to go to Richard’s tour date in London (KT17, really?) around my birthday and I think Richard should meet me for an interview so I can do a blog about him and he can convince me he’s 4 real (Richey Edwards ™). Come on, I don’t even want to sit on that black settee, we can just do it in your dressing room. The tour is called 'The truth hurts' so I'm sure he won't mind this blog, as it's only tongue-in-cheek, and I like him. I also can’t wait to see who else is going to the show, and what the show is about. It’s going to be a good, good night!
PS: I really want this T-shirt.
PPS: I really need to practice resting my hand quizzically on my chin.