Sunday, 6 May 2012

The Voice: Sonic thumbprint

On the US voice, all the women get kicked out every week, so I hope that's not going to be the same tonight.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.'s Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.    
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.

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