Sunday, 13 May 2012

The Voice: the Olympics of singing

Greetings boyos! Yes, The Voice is like the Olympics of singing, in that it comes into your life, shrieking about how wonderful it is, and leaves you feeling empty. I exaggerate. The Olympics is much shitter. And much harder to avoid.
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue.  I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!


Spencer Rose said...

Fucking hilarious!

lightupvirginmary said...

I think I write better blogs when I'm a bit drunk. :)