The Voice: the Olympics of singing

Greetings boyos! Yes, The Voice is like the Olympics of singing, in that it comes into your life, shrieking about how wonderful it is, and leaves you feeling empty. I exaggerate. The Olympics is much shitter. And much harder to avoid.
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue.  I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!

The Voice: results: Every night, we smash a Mercedes Benz

LOL to making them sing 'You've got the music in you' at the start. Are they advertising a car like on American Idol? Bo looked befuddled, I can only presume she was appalled at being made to sing the most embarrassing song of all time. Sadly they never got to the 'Courtney Love and Marylin Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions' line. Bet the guy who sung that doesn't have a mansion right now. He's probably sleeping on a friend's sofa whilst Courtney takes a bath in liquid gold. Ooh, medley. Music! Please do stop this music. It's an earsore.
Tom Jones saying 'stepped up to the plate' is all kinds of wrong. Who decided he'd be a good judge for this show? Really? Even Louis Walsh is preferable.
Why are Holly and Reggie wearing the same clothes as they did last night? Did they film this last night? Wouldn't that dress be a bit stinky by now? Holly doesn't really look her usual beautiful self today. I'm not liking that pink dress too much and her hair doesn't look nice either. She looked hot on the front of Cosmo recently (which I only bought cos it had a free Soap and Glory mazzy).
Why did people start clapping before Holly said 'Ruth Brown'? Is she reading it off an autocue?
OMG are you serious they put that Foo Fighter's dude through? Dave Grohl must be turning in his grave.
There's not one cool person on this panel. It's like the bullied kids at school who are trying so hard to please with their zany haircuts and head bobbing. The coolest person on that panel probably IS Tom Jones. Oh my God.
The wait is over. Not such a good line, is it? I guess Big Brother stole all the good ones. I'm surprised Frances got through. She was a bit rub.
Will is doing a p-p-p-p-p-poker face. Either that or his Imodium just kicked in. He's looked a bit crab eyed™.
Reggie Yates, do you know my name, oh don't say you don't, please say you do, woah, woah. Isn't Reggie the voice of Rastamouse? He gets all the good gigs, doesn't he? He should dress as Rastamouse backstage. It would give him a sense of gravitas.
My boyfriend just said 'Fana Del Ray' when Lana Del Ray can on cos he thought it was just a lookalike. I think she's just died her hair. I do like three songs off her album and she's cute. Not this one, though.
All the contestants are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, too. This is a swizz. What's going on? I'm not surprised Sam went, he was pretty rubbish. 'I feel like my heart's been ripped out' - that's a bit too much honesty for BBC1 on a Sunday night. Gutterly butterly.
The ghost of Tom Jones looks beleaguered at Sam home. I don't think he's as sad as Sam, though. He has got all those rubbish hits and the knickers and the gold discs and the duet with with Cerys and his own 'Booby' at home. What's Sam got? A rubbish shirt?
I'm not surprised Will sent whatsherface home. She had zip-all star quality. Holly: 'Will needs a hug.' No, Will needs to start dressing his age, whatever that might be. Answers on a postcard.
By the way, Chronicle was fuckin' ace! Recommend!

The Voice UK (huh!) - Live shows

I've been enjoying The Voice US so much that I just don't think our version can live up to it now. I've seen singers with a million times more talent than that Scotty McCreepy, who won last year's dead duck American Idol, sent home with a flea in their ear. The standard of talent and the song choices have been great, so I really hope our series takes a lead from that. Added love was provided last week in the extra form of of a radioactive Christina Aguilera giving Justin Bieber a screwface. Although they did chuck out all of my favourite people last week, but that's to be expected. And Jessie J appeared going 'huh'! Do we really have to inflict her on the US? I say only if they get to keep her.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'. 
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.

The X Factor: First Live Show

Hands up who's sick of that Little Britain voiceover guy? He's on the adverts, he's on the quiz shows, he's probably even the fucking banker on Deal. Well, I'm sick of his schtick. He's more omnipotent than talk about the credit crunch. He's about as cutting edge as a night out with Duffy. So, perfect for the X Factor really.
So, let's get it out of the way early; I miss Sharon. I miss the unpredictability that she might punch someone. Cheryl and Dannii aren't going to punch each other, much as the producers would have us believe they want to. Cheryl is alright, don't get me wrong, but with her monotone accent and Dannii Minogue's mooing, it's like they are having a competition to see who sounds most like a geezer-bird. (I apologise for the use of the word bird, but it fitted with geezer nicely)
Dermot declared it 'a great honour' to go first; actually, it's normally first on, first out, so not so great. Here goes something:
GIRL BAND: Louis nodded furiously. They sounded flat and their dancing was stiff. The song had no high notes or low notes, lucky for them. They are quite ordinary, and the Quality-Street dresses were duff too. Why were the judges so kind?
AUSTIN (Allegro): Androgyny! I'm a boy and he's a girl and all that. Might look good in a dress? Did Sting which was unpleasant. Sang it OK but nothing to get excited about, despite his leather trousers. I kind of fancy him, and am kind of repulsed by him, so it's a weird mixture.
DANIEL: This years sob story (tm). He seems lovely but X factor? Non! Not with a name as catchy as Daniel Evans. Oh God, flat as the battery on my laptop (still dead!) Awful song. Styling. Dated. Dreadful. Haha Louis compared him to Ricky Gervais taking the piss! Meow! It's not 'sob story' Idol, Dannii. Next!
ALEXANDRA: Last week I wanted the little blonde Samanda lookalike in instead of Alexandra, but I have to say, she does have a good voice, the best so far, certainly. Sparkly! Diva! Pretty! But still a bit boring.
JLS: What does JLS stand for? I demand to know! Oh, they said. Jack the lad swing??? What the fuck? Are they dyslexic? I thought their voices sounded quite reedy tonight, but I thought they were alright in the auditions. Is it me, or do they all look quite... petite?
SCOTT: Just what the world needs, another Shane Ritchie! SWING! I can just about deal with schwing! when it was Leon Jackson dishing it out like a cut-price but still fuckable Josh Harnett. Shane Richie's love-child and I have to draw the line. SHIT! '110%'!!! Check! 110% was not enough in this case, peculiarly.
RACHEL: Oh dear. I know she's a cunt but even she didn't deserve being made into a cut-price Gabrielle. Her hair was nice before! Frowny, shrieky, shit outfit, dreadful dancing. Simon looked like I felt. Shame, as she has a fantastic voice, even if she looks like she will nut you if you look at her the wrong way. I wasn't buying her 'thank you, that's been taken on board' replies to the comments. It was like a robot giving you a kiss. Dannii fucked this one good and proper.
DIANA: My favourite by a country mile. There is actually something unusual about her; i.e. she does appear to have some star quality, or this mythical X Factor. Thank god she's ditched that frosty pink lipstick. Fuck, they gave her U2! And still she did it. She's great, fuck you Dannii saying she overdid the quirky. She IS quirky, i.e. not bland like you.
BAD LASHES: I think Bat for Lashes may have something to say about this band name, but I don't think she needs to worry quite yet. What are bad lashes anyway? Naughty lashes! Behave! Ooh Roxette! Power ballad city. They seem more sexy than Girl Band, a bit more rough around the edges, which I like. Cheryl called them 'spunky'. Simon rolled out the 'eating water' description again. He's used that one before, as Bad Lashes rightly (and impressively) pointed out just as I was writing it. Can we pull his string for a new metaphor?
EOGHAN: Try texting that in! Oh fucking hell, fucking IMAGINE! FUCK OFF IMAGINE! If I NEVER hear Imagine EVER AGAIN I will still wish John Lennon has been shot ten years before he wrote the fucking thing. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus. And yes, I have said that before. I've got Simon Cowell disease. I actually like Eoghan (or OWEN, if you're confused and reading this) though. He's good. Danni cracking onto him! Trying to steal Mrs. O's crown. Naughty!
RUTH: I just cannot, cannot, cannot bring myself to care. Ooh, Spanish. So what? AVERAGE! Ooh, Stars in Your Eyes ending, they havent had one of those for a while. PS. Ruth doesn't sound like a very Spanish name to me.
LAURA: Oh God, Alicia Keys. I want to punch Alicia Keys in the face. Her and Jack White could happily be sent to the fucking moon and left there if I had my way, the pair of vain, boring bastards. But anyway, this is about Laura. Despite Alicia, she has one of the best voices in the competition. Only Diana to beat for her.
Urgh, Dermot said 'cracking'! This is my number one pet hate of the moment.
Results show... mm, Leon flashback. He's the fittest midget ever! Drool! Mr Blister, who are you backing this year? There's no real Rhydian campness, is there?
I liked the fact they made the bottom two sing different songs as it's such a fast-forward fest when they sing the same song again. Ooh, deadlock. 'Citing.
Bad Lashes shouldn't have gone!!! I liked them. I liked the one with the big face, and I liked the one who had hair a bit like me. And I even liked their mild murdering of Wonderwall!
Well, it's certainly not like the British public to make the wrong choice is it? Much! Booo.