Celebrity Big Brother 2015: So Farrah, so good

Woah! Who'd have thought it would kick off so quickly? It's only been on four days and we've been driven to do two podcasts because there's been so many good one liners and crazy behaviour (see Austin's ballbags for more details).
Judging by the highlights it looks like anyone could get thrown out at any minute. How they made the daytime version last the same amount of time is anyone's guess as they have to cut so much out. We watched the PG version today and it was so crap! Couldn't they just blur out Austin's bits?
Bum wars! The Americans are stir fucking crazy. I love it. The UK housemates are dry as fuck.
Oh no, Farrah is ruining the 'bromance' by calling James out on his and Austin's flirting. Don't ruin it! 'Slip and slide with your sexuality' - or 'open' as we like to call it. Why doesn't she put a sock in it? Why so angry?
Ha, James is ratting to Austin about what Farrah said. I'm sure Austin will take this well. *hides from the fallout*
Farrah acting innocent! Jenna: 'James is going to chew our bootys out.' Thanks for that image. Oh God, Janice is going to sort it out. Brilliant. She's the 'ambassador of good relations'. Who appointed her that?
Janice: 'You're not the queen of reality, I am.'
Farrah on James and Austin: 'They were in their underwear, talking about fucking each other.' I wish! Is she a homophobe? Is Natasha even asleep? How could you sleep through that argument? Fatman Scoop: 'What is this argument even about?' Nothing!
Austin: 'Your fake ass, your fake tits... the doctor gave half of that to you.' Hah!
I think Farrah was insinuating James' sexuality was fluid, not that he wanted to fuck Austin up the arse, but at this point, I don't think it matters.
Bobby: 'Let's sort our problems out like sane, nice people.' Good luck with that.
Austin: 'Just because you got pregnant underage!' His neck vein is going!
Farrah: 'Quit acting like a bitch. You're a disgrace to humanity.' Austin then called to the DR. She was being just as bad as him. She's ROTTEN! Fun ruining cow. I was enjoying the homo erotica.
Austin in the DR: 'Everyone in America hates her.' Especially her mum. And now the whole of the UK.
Jenna, James did not instigate that. Let's get that straight, no pun intended. Farrah is a mental case. She hates everyone and everything.
Daniel is now needling Austin about sleeping with James! Boo! Spoilsports. Now Jenna is saying James needs to watch Austin. James wasn't uncomfortable with Austin!!! He was loving the attention! It's all you American bitches who have made a big deal about this crap. He is NOT drumming up the drama, FARRAH IS! I hate this, their little flirtmance was cute.
Farrah and Austin then made up, but let's face it, that won't last.
OMG Stevi's pants. WHY?
Hot tub times! Why is Natasha stirring it about how Chloe should be jealous, there's two blokes in there! She's a fucking wooden spoon, too. Why is Gail saying it, as well? Stooopid. What's wrong with these people, it's like neighbourhood watch in there. Keep your nose out!
God, are Stevi and Chloe not allowed to be apart for ten minutes? Embarrassing. Well done, Natasha, you poured the poison in very successfully. Don't worry, Chloe, I don't think Jenna was after Stevi, somehow. Just a hunch.
Uh oh, hot water gate. I like the way Janice orders everyone around. If everyone puts up with it, that's their problem. Janice, you should bathe with others on CBB. It's more economical (and sexual, lol).
Ha, why is Gail cleaning the bath! She's a proper doormat - she's like going for the Jermaine Jackson/ Frankie Dettori pussyhole award.
Austin: 'Janice, please be quiet and fuck off.' LOL. Janice: 'Gail's not your servant' - ie. she's mine. OMG DID Janice spit at him? If so, get her out, that's gross. Dennis must be watching, agog.
Ok, I'm done with Jenna, she's just starting on Davro for no reason. She's just a stirrer. I'm not down with that. Just stop getting involved in every argument every five minutes!
So Janice jumps the queue to the diary room after spitting at someone?! Oh, she just 'made the motion' of spitting. UGH. Spitting is gross. Someone spat on me at school once cos I was cooler than them and they were jealous, it's vile.
Gail needs to woman up, she's too soft. No one wants another H from Steps in the house. You're Scottish, show some balls!
Now Jenna is going on at Janice as Janice is trying to get to bed. Why doesn't Jenna just STFU? Stop picking on the old lady. Haha, I'm such a flip flopper.
Is Janice taking vitamins or sleeping pills? Who knows?
OK, so Austin is saying Janice DID spit in his face! So what's Big Brother going to do? Fuck all, of course, because they don't want to lose the star of the show.
Janice is looking pretty ropey in the DR. A formal warning! What! People have been kicked out for that in the past! It's a fucking joke! I would be so uneasy in the house with her after that.
Honestly, they decide on the rules on a case by case basis. Helen Wood, you're all good. Aaron Frew, fuck you. Seriously, are you telling me what Aaron did was worse than Janice SPITTING? Even if she didn't spit ON him, even spitting in someone's direction (or pretending to) is revolting and highly offensive.
Hey though, on the bright side, what a brilliant episode! It's hard to know who to get behind because everyone is either a complete cunt or an utter wimp. What a great start to the series! They should have at least five American housemates every year. Normally there's one or two clear early boots. Here it could be anyone, everyone's so horrible. I love Austin, though! I just like the way he goes nuts all the time. None of them have ANY filter. It's insane. I have a feeling there's going to be a LOT to say this year!
Oh yeah, check out my podcast for more #cbb and #bb17 antics: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm We did a UK one last night but couldn't do #bb17 as we didn't know who had gone back in the house. Needless to say, I was VERY pleased with the result! Whoop.

Celebrity Big Brother 2015: UK VS USA

Well, it's been a long three weeks since Captain Canoe and his crew exited the Big Brother compound. I like the gap though. Josie Gibson could have done with it before Ultimate Big Brother so she could nail Crab Eyes before having to make merry with Coolio and co.
So it's what we've all been waiting for UK vs USA. This is truly the stuff dreams are made of, so I can't wait to see how they fuck it up.
I've avoided the line up so far as much as possible, because I like to be fully disappointed on the night.
Anyway, get ready for a takeover etc. Fuck me, look at the audience. I think we just spotted Meatloaf.
So basically it's an excuse for a million stereotypes. Where's the American host? Where's the impartiality? It should be like a Swedish host or something, like with the tennis umpires.
I haven't seen the house yet. Why is it all American? Boo. Where's the Queen?
Sherrie Hewson is basically Reg Holdsworth's wife. You know the guy who said 'negro'? Lovely. Why do we have to keep dealing with these Loose Women bitches? They are AWFUL!
Fatman Scoop, lol. I do remember the song. Him not so much. 'Undisputed king of the club. You go in the club, you're gonna hear his song.' Which club? He's 'like President Obama'.  He's gonna blow up the bathroom to annoy the other HMs. He's gonna clog the toilet strategy! OMG. LOL. That's the finest strategy I've ever heard. BOOF! At least he's upfront. He's gonna be quality. Why does he know what her hair looks like? Admittedly it looks awful tonight.
Hold on, how do they know who each other is! The Pratt/Perez strategy. Unless Loose Women is really popular in the US and Sherrie spends a lot of time in 'da club.' Whatever happened to sequester? Gone the same way as live feed, lol.
Natasha Hamilton don't like messing. Hates Americans, ha. They must think we were born yesterday. James thinks she's the one who looks like a frog from Atomic Kitten, but she isn't. She doesn't like rude people. Probably hates hospitals and liars, too. Has a fake fear of mushrooms in case of a task.
Austin someone? You might know me from the gossip pages... er.... nope. 'My friends and family would describe me as a fucking arsehole.' He likes to masturbate. Fair enough. He lives in Huddersfield?! WHY! He's upset he got booed! Even Fatman Scoop don't know who this joker is. I'm hoping he'll be a Jeremy/ Marc type.
Gail Porter. Young people don't even know she is. I found this out the hard way. I think she'll be an interesting housemate. She's certainly got the sob story. I like her, actually. I hope she'll be good value. At least she's not one dimensional. I wonder if they'll play 'Dancing in the Moonlight' if she gets evicted? There's a reference for my older readers.
Mum alliance! Natasha: 'Let me get some air...' time.
Next in someone from The Bill. Allo, allo, allo, it's DI Burnside. I mean, Chris. I didn't watch The Bill but I know the theme tune. He says there's no script so he's obviously never see BB before. He's my pick to kitchen Nazi. Sherrie is his ex wife?! Is he Reg Holdsworth?
WHAAAA! I thought Eamonn Holmes was going in. Didn't think he needed the cash. Ruth wouldn't let him be around all them Page 3 girls anyway.
Jenna Jameson has great meth face. God, she looks old. She's like this year's Tara Reid. But fatter. I mean, pear shaped. She's always got along with the Brits? Hold on, she just said she hated us. I think 'who are ya' is a bit unfair when Austin didn't get that. I know who she is. Mic pack fail.
BUT FIRST! Stevi Richie and Chloe Jasmine. A walking magazine deal. Are they playing as one? Toilet talk. Ugh. I kind of like these two, I don't know why. They are fake as fuck. If you think they're really fucking, you've damn well lost your mind. Great hashtag. It looks like 'evict Chloe Jasmine'. Ha!
Farrah Abraham. Er... 16 and pregnant... how old is she now? Sex tape... business woman... nose job. Ah, she's playing the Jade Goody card. Standard. She's reimagined the Geri Halliwell Union Jack dress. Apparently she's 24. Born in 1924, more like.
Next in someone off The Apprentice. James Hill. Me neither. Bring back Stuart Baggs. He hates dirty places. I love them. Britain is the nucleus of the world. Arsehole of the world, more like.
I think they've spent the budget on the dry ice as they go in.
Tequila thingy is in next. She was the first to do a selfie, LOL. Terrovision, classic. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE? She'd bone Prince Harry. He'd prob be up for it. if not, Prince Philip. Five alter egos? Marlissimo was enough. There's never been a good one. I don't think this is going to break that pattern. 'I don't drink but I'll have some red wine.' I don't do drugs, but pass the crack pipe.
Talking of which, here's another cokehead Baldwin. Daniel. They're the brothers who keep on giving. Kill or be killed. He's like the lost Gallagher brother. Ha, he said his brother got the early boot. I thought he made it halfway at least. He said he was gonna make Alex Reid the next James Bond, I know that much.
Hey, where's Dean Gaffney? Send Wellard at least.
Oh God, what 'twist' are they going to unleash now? A cannon, ooh, looks promising. WHAT, no one's going in the cannon?! BOO. This could be a fix. Some heads could be on firmer than others.
It's dull as fuck, either way. Who cares who's not invited to the party? Ha, this is going well. LOL.
They made Farrah, Scoop and A.Another immune. 
Bobby Davro vs Janice Dickinson doesn't seem like much of a fair fight.
Chanting 'UK UK UK' doesn't work as well as USA, does it?
Check out our podcast later for more, but with James: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm

The X Factor: First Live Show

Hands up who's sick of that Little Britain voiceover guy? He's on the adverts, he's on the quiz shows, he's probably even the fucking banker on Deal. Well, I'm sick of his schtick. He's more omnipotent than talk about the credit crunch. He's about as cutting edge as a night out with Duffy. So, perfect for the X Factor really.
So, let's get it out of the way early; I miss Sharon. I miss the unpredictability that she might punch someone. Cheryl and Dannii aren't going to punch each other, much as the producers would have us believe they want to. Cheryl is alright, don't get me wrong, but with her monotone accent and Dannii Minogue's mooing, it's like they are having a competition to see who sounds most like a geezer-bird. (I apologise for the use of the word bird, but it fitted with geezer nicely)
Dermot declared it 'a great honour' to go first; actually, it's normally first on, first out, so not so great. Here goes something:
GIRL BAND: Louis nodded furiously. They sounded flat and their dancing was stiff. The song had no high notes or low notes, lucky for them. They are quite ordinary, and the Quality-Street dresses were duff too. Why were the judges so kind?
AUSTIN (Allegro): Androgyny! I'm a boy and he's a girl and all that. Might look good in a dress? Did Sting which was unpleasant. Sang it OK but nothing to get excited about, despite his leather trousers. I kind of fancy him, and am kind of repulsed by him, so it's a weird mixture.
DANIEL: This years sob story (tm). He seems lovely but X factor? Non! Not with a name as catchy as Daniel Evans. Oh God, flat as the battery on my laptop (still dead!) Awful song. Styling. Dated. Dreadful. Haha Louis compared him to Ricky Gervais taking the piss! Meow! It's not 'sob story' Idol, Dannii. Next!
ALEXANDRA: Last week I wanted the little blonde Samanda lookalike in instead of Alexandra, but I have to say, she does have a good voice, the best so far, certainly. Sparkly! Diva! Pretty! But still a bit boring.
JLS: What does JLS stand for? I demand to know! Oh, they said. Jack the lad swing??? What the fuck? Are they dyslexic? I thought their voices sounded quite reedy tonight, but I thought they were alright in the auditions. Is it me, or do they all look quite... petite?
SCOTT: Just what the world needs, another Shane Ritchie! SWING! I can just about deal with schwing! when it was Leon Jackson dishing it out like a cut-price but still fuckable Josh Harnett. Shane Richie's love-child and I have to draw the line. SHIT! '110%'!!! Check! 110% was not enough in this case, peculiarly.
RACHEL: Oh dear. I know she's a cunt but even she didn't deserve being made into a cut-price Gabrielle. Her hair was nice before! Frowny, shrieky, shit outfit, dreadful dancing. Simon looked like I felt. Shame, as she has a fantastic voice, even if she looks like she will nut you if you look at her the wrong way. I wasn't buying her 'thank you, that's been taken on board' replies to the comments. It was like a robot giving you a kiss. Dannii fucked this one good and proper.
DIANA: My favourite by a country mile. There is actually something unusual about her; i.e. she does appear to have some star quality, or this mythical X Factor. Thank god she's ditched that frosty pink lipstick. Fuck, they gave her U2! And still she did it. She's great, fuck you Dannii saying she overdid the quirky. She IS quirky, i.e. not bland like you.
BAD LASHES: I think Bat for Lashes may have something to say about this band name, but I don't think she needs to worry quite yet. What are bad lashes anyway? Naughty lashes! Behave! Ooh Roxette! Power ballad city. They seem more sexy than Girl Band, a bit more rough around the edges, which I like. Cheryl called them 'spunky'. Simon rolled out the 'eating water' description again. He's used that one before, as Bad Lashes rightly (and impressively) pointed out just as I was writing it. Can we pull his string for a new metaphor?
EOGHAN: Try texting that in! Oh fucking hell, fucking IMAGINE! FUCK OFF IMAGINE! If I NEVER hear Imagine EVER AGAIN I will still wish John Lennon has been shot ten years before he wrote the fucking thing. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus. And yes, I have said that before. I've got Simon Cowell disease. I actually like Eoghan (or OWEN, if you're confused and reading this) though. He's good. Danni cracking onto him! Trying to steal Mrs. O's crown. Naughty!
RUTH: I just cannot, cannot, cannot bring myself to care. Ooh, Spanish. So what? AVERAGE! Ooh, Stars in Your Eyes ending, they havent had one of those for a while. PS. Ruth doesn't sound like a very Spanish name to me.
LAURA: Oh God, Alicia Keys. I want to punch Alicia Keys in the face. Her and Jack White could happily be sent to the fucking moon and left there if I had my way, the pair of vain, boring bastards. But anyway, this is about Laura. Despite Alicia, she has one of the best voices in the competition. Only Diana to beat for her.
Urgh, Dermot said 'cracking'! This is my number one pet hate of the moment.
Results show... mm, Leon flashback. He's the fittest midget ever! Drool! Mr Blister, who are you backing this year? There's no real Rhydian campness, is there?
I liked the fact they made the bottom two sing different songs as it's such a fast-forward fest when they sing the same song again. Ooh, deadlock. 'Citing.
Bad Lashes shouldn't have gone!!! I liked them. I liked the one with the big face, and I liked the one who had hair a bit like me. And I even liked their mild murdering of Wonderwall!
Well, it's certainly not like the British public to make the wrong choice is it? Much! Booo.