Saturday, 28 November 2015

The X Factor: A post mortem

All great TV formats either die or outstay their welcome; except Big Brother. It happened to The Apprentice with it's suited goons, and it is happening to The X Factor as I write. So what went wrong? People go 'oh we're only a small island, we've run out of talent' but that's bullshit, new people are born, aren't they? They are, right. Some people were born in like, 1990 and shit. The fact is, it's just a tired out old format, being held up improbably, like Simon Cowell's face. But every cliff face eventually falls into the sea. I'll be surprised if we see this show back again, especially if it's true that ITV have bought The Voice (also crap, needless to say, but the US version has some legs).
So let's start with the judges. Rita Ora is at least attractive and opinionated, but shades of Jessie J do creep in and her clothes are getting increasingly 'Paloma Faith's supermarket sweep in Everything £5'. Noted racist Cheryl Tweedy wants it to be made illegal for people to talk about how skinny she looks, despite looking to quote Simon Cowell (discussing one of his own contestants) 'half dead'. But she does seems marginally less sour-faced than last year, but perhaps that's just because it's shrunk in diameter. My boyfriend expressed shock on hearing her age, and for some reason she does seem to be dressing like Joan Collins (I mean, what's with all the OAP pantsuits?), but it's a welcome antidote to Rita Ora's Wacaday 'look at me, aren't I weird?' fancy dress.
Nick Grimshaw is the most baffling addition to to panel, charisma-less, unlikeable and permanently startled-looking, like Stephen Mulherne's haunted ventriloquist dummy's understudy.  I think Morrissey once said of the Queen that she'd never said anything of interest and that's how I feel about 'Grimmy'. The most notable thing he's said in the past two months was last week when he called a black man aggressive for standing up for himself. 
Remember when Gary Barlow was there and we wanted Simon Cowell back? I mean, we were right, but it's not that great, is it? And I'm not saying I miss Louis Walsh, but you know. *I miss Louis Walsh*
Talking of missing people, who'd have thought the world's oldest schoolboy Dermot O Leary would be so pined for? I don't really get it as Caroline Flack and Olly WERE great on the Xtra Factor, but now seem wooden as fuck. I miss the old Caroline Flack with the two tone hair, not this stuck up one who writes a book about getting off with Harry Styles and Prince Harry then acts like someone's farted when she's asked questions about it in interviews.
I don't really mind about Olly reading out the wrong names or whatever, more the way he mangles the English language. 'Was you nervous?' Back to school, Murs!
The theme this week is 'jukebox' where allegedly we pick what they sing. Is that like the first week when they had to pick a song that summed themselves up and Bupsi was given a song she'd never heard of, just before being the customary black female first boot from the show?
So who have we lost so far? Bupsi, Reggae corpse Max Stone, not-aggressive-but-undoubtedly-crap Anton, Monica, who was rootable as she seemed like a decent person, that one that Rita chose over Monica who was so bland I can't even remember but was another black woman kicked off at the start, so cannon fodder, basically. Then there was the shrew-faced Mason Noise (good name, though) and the fabulous girly-boy Seann Miley Moore, who I can only assume was a victim of being Australian, gay, black and fabulous, as his voice was great. Ooh, and Alien Uncovered, which is probably now a 12-part TV show on the Discovery channel in which no aliens are uncovered. I liked them a lot. So they were bound to go instantly.
And so onto the contestants we have left, such as they are.
Louisa Johnson; stop tapping your fucking mic! It makes me CRINGE. She's an annoying, smug, snub nosed stage school brat, interchangeable from any previous contestant. Has she got an amazing voice? My mum seems to think so. I just want to punch her in the face. I remember Leona Lewis; not my kind of singer in any way, but she built and built until she was amazing. Her talent was undeniable. This girl does nothing for me, she doesn't have 'it'. She doesn't have shit. But her second performance (where she was styled by Kris Kardashian) tells me she's the chosen one. Rita even called her a 'musician.' That's like when Busted* pretend they can play guitars. *old person's reference
Fourth Impact's first audition was amazing, but they've failed to capture the hearts of the idiot general public like Reggie and Bollie. They're cute, they can sing, they can dance, yet I find myself bored by them now, and I don't know why. However, I like their little plastic toy boxes they've put them in for their second performance and they seem perkier. I prefer them rapping to ballading. And for the reasons discussed above, I don't think Rita Ora is in any position to judge people's styling.
Reggie and Bollie are the only ray of light in the show, fun, silly and genuinely happy to be there. I'm noyIt's great fun trying to guess what they'll sing each week, and we're still holding out for Chaka Demus and Pliers. They even bring a half smile to Cheryl's cadavery chops. Her mum dancing on stage with them was quite mental. It sounds like they're singing 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' and I wouldn't put it past them. I like their styling. Ice lolly shirts FTW.
Lauren Murray aka Andrea from Corrie seems bored as fuck every week, and is always styled as if she's about to do a skydive. I read an interview with her in Heat magazine this week (I know, at my age) where she said she wasn't enjoying it and didn't even think she could win it, so why the fuck should I care if she lives or dies? It's meant to be YOUR dream. Why would I waste my free vote on you if you're gonna be such a little bitch about it? Tonight she looks like she's got work trousers on, but has paired them with a jazzy top as it's the office Christmas party. I don't think they've EVER got the styling right on this show, so why would they start now? She looks even worse for the second performance, like the sugar plum fairy, and the mic-tapping disease has spread her way, probably because they don't disinfect it between use. She also seems to have been inflicted with a case of head-bobbing itis.
Che Chesterman is the Paul Potts of this year, alleged great voice (ie. sings like he's got his knob stuck in a mousetrap) but looks Penfold done up for an interview at the Carphone Warehouse. (Simon just agreed, said he looks like he's 'just come from work'. Stop nicking my jokes, Simon.)  Apparently Che got the words wrong. I wouldn't know, I was too busy attacking his physical appearance. Lest we forget Rick Waller.
I don't even watch Xtra Factor anymore, and I used to watch it when Konnie Huq presented it. Just think about that for a second. Rochelle Humes is a vacant stare missing a soul and the little bald fella is fine (better than her dire wooden husband who presents The Voice) but come on now. Life's too short.
A cursory glance at my Timehop app sees me talking about X Factor contestants from five, six, seven, eight years ago, and I can't even remember their faces. When one or two acts inexplicably rise to the top, like Little Mix or One Direction, it's a mass hysteria, pot luck, and no indication of talent. Remember Aiden Grimshaw? Remember Tamara? There were talented, good looking people. Meanwhile, Olly Murs sells millions. It's enough to make you throw yourself into the sea. Simon Cowell: you nailed it.