Wednesday, 23 November 2011

@damebrianmolko: a Twitter war

A couple of years ago my boyfriend and I were unhealthily obsessed with Placebo, to the point where our friends almost had to stage an intervention. We’d watch five or six concerts on my laptop in a row, and extol the virtues of Brian’s megaphone, boots, jacket, various hairstyles, clunky lyrics, the way he smoked a fag, his ridiculous pretentiousness: everything he did was entertaining and a thrill.
Meds-era concert Rock Am Ring was our zenith: everything was perfect about that gig, with the sunset going down, and the most amazing set list. We must have watched it forty times. We bored people rigid as everyone else on the planet went off Placebo in about 1996. We had too, but this second flush of love felt all the more real. It was also at a time when our relationship was still a bit of a novelty, so I think the two feelings intertwined.
I had the idea of setting up a Placebo-themed Twitter account because Placebo lyrics were bouncing round my brain so much. My boyfriend thought of the name @damebrianmolko and we both planned to tweet together. I think my boyfriend only did one in the end, but it was still a cool idea and I ran with it. If you read the tweets from the start it was a real labour of love, with some references that only the most geekiest of Placebo fans would get. I enjoyed doing it, but as my crush on Placebo faded a bit, my tweets also slowed down.
The tweets were silly and cheeky. I even did some in French which must have made zero sense. My intro was: London, Paris, Belgium. Singer, writer, sodomite.
Here’s a few sample tweets:
‘Wondering what songs to 'reimagine' later; I might write some new lyrics for Pure Morning, and then put a bit of trumpet on it.’
‘Steve Hewitt got my toy megaphone I used to use on Infra-Red as part of the divorce settlement. Instead I squawk thru my hands. Just as good.’
‘I put Stefan's silver suit on a hot wash when he was out. Now it fits me! He's gotta learn, I'm the frontman, I wear the silly clothes.’
‘Spite and Malice gets some stick, but Dr. Dre was doing the rap originally. Had to pull out because his nan was poorly. These things happen.’
‘Not quite sure how to tell Fiona that there won't be any violin on the new album. We're going to scrape a knife over a dustbin lid instead.’
‘Steve 2 hasn't called for a bit- hope he hasn't gone back to the Backstreet Boys.’
‘Going to a Halloween party as Kat Slater tomorrow. Have to tone down the eyeshadow a bit.’
Now, do they sound like something the REAL Brian Molko might write? Would the real Brian Molko really call himself DAME Brian Molko, for God’s sake? It’s an obvious pisstake. And if the REAL Brian Molko was on Twitter wouldn’t he have a tick by his name? And wouldn’t he be going on about jet lag and coffee and musical influences like he does in those interminable documentaries they release once per annum? I mean, come on, MY tweets were funny.
Apparently not, according to River Management (Placebo’s record company) and Placebo World (allegedly Placebo’s fan club, but also Placebo’s record company, as I got exactly the same message from both of them). They didn’t bother with any niceties, they simply sent me a DM saying: ‘you have been warned once to remove this account. get it done right now.’
Even reading that message again now makes my blood actually boil (yes, actually!) One: they’d never messaged me before in my life. Two: who the fuck do they think they are?! Twitters OWN POLICY states you can have spoof accounts: mine was barely even a spoof. Their behaviour, high-handedness and complete lack of respect for their own fans just really got my goat. Read those tweets again. Read this one: ‘When you get the Brixton DVD, you'll see the role of Stefan is being played by a stunt double, as it was his aunt's 60th birthday that night.’ Are they really hurtful? Are they really damaging Brian’s image, such as it is? Is anyone really fooled? Come on, now.
Never once were my tweets nasty or insulting (there was one about Brian having a zit once, but I didn’t even write that one, and that was as nasty as it got!) Never once did I ‘pretend to be Brian Molko’. If the odd foreign person asked me if I was, I said no.
The annoying part is you can’t even reply to those direct messages, so I messaged them openly on Twitter. Here are some of the replies I got back from the protectors-of-the-fans-and-image at @rivermanmgt and @placeboworld: ‘Plenty of people think it's real, you are a fake pretending to be Brian Molko?? Please delete your fake account.’ ‘you are a very sad and disturbed human being pretending to be Brian Molko. Lying to a lot of people is hardly 'fun'.’
They also hysterically tweeted: ‘DAMEBRIANMOLKO is a FAKE account, please do NOT follow this account. it IS 100% NOT BRIAN MOLKO.’ Note the capital letters for the hard of thinking.
One of my tweets said: ‘My beer can co-star in the Meds video became a good friend for a while, but things soured. Know your place, beery. In the recycling bin.’ And people think that’s real? And I’M the one who’s disturbed? Seriously, now I understand why when I used to read the NME in the 90s they had to put an asterisk after the end of sentences and go *this is a joke – it’s for thickos! I’m seriously considering sending out a few hundred emails out from a bank in Uganda and a dodgy hotmail address saying you’ve won 12 million on the lottery, all you have to do is wire me 100 grand, because people REALLY ARE THAT THICK. I’m astounded. I surround myself with sentient people, so to be face to face with such humourless, po-faced boneheaded denseness is actually quite shocking. It stunned me. Do they think that fake Cheryl Cole and that dead Princess Diana are real, too? Does dead Diana need a disclaimer for the mentally ill? Should we all write as if we’re writing for people with the mental age of three at all times, just in case someone gets an ickle bit confused? Put down that pen, next literary genius! *~*Eyelinergrrl*~* in Istanbul doesn't understand words of more than one syllable!
I don’t write for thickos, they’re not in my remit. I assume anyone who reads my blog to have a basic level of understanding of the written word, humour and an acceptance of stupid references. I thought Twitter was the same. Apparently not.
I got lots of supportive messages and tweets when I outed River Management and Placebo World as the humourless old crones they are, as well as a few cry-baby tweets from mental people saying ‘I thought you were real’. Yes, they thought this tweet was real: ‘Angelic fruitcakes are two for one in Asda all week’. Someone believed the actual Brian Molko was saying this. That Brian Molko was selling angelic fruitcakes (something that doesn’t even exist, need I remind you, and I think I DO need) in a cut-price supermarket. And that’s MY FAULT! Would it be MY FAULT if they thought the earth was flat, too, or if they accidentally drove their car off a cliff, because they were too dim-witted to work out where the brake was?
I think @TiaraBarbie summed it up best when she said to @RIVERMANMGT ‘well then plenty of people, including yourselves, are a bit thick. Treat your main bands fans better, seriously.’
No one could have written the tweets I did without encyclopaedic knowledge, and therefore love of, Placebo. Someone taking the piss would have had plenty of cannon fodder for a hateful Brian Molko character, (some of my friends have said things about Brian Molko that would make River Management’s eyes bleed) but I never did that. I’ve always defended Brian, no matter how humourless and silly he was. I’ll even defend those ‘think of me stuck in my chair that has four wheels’ lyrics if you really want me to, because they’ve given me enough laughs (although that was what made me go off Placebo for about four years). My Twitter account was tongue-in-cheek, fun, silly, whimsical. My Brian Molko was watching X Factor and Eastenders and tweeting about the Brian Molko museum in Belgium, FFS. Perhaps I should have mentioned the 100 foot Brian Molko effigy in France that is traditionally burnt over Halloween*
*this is a joke. They’d never burn that effigy in France, they love him over there.
Anyway. Placebo World and River Management have won. They’ve sucked the fun out of poor damebrianmolko. And they’ve cost the REAL Brian Molko money so far, because I didn’t buy the Brixton DVD as I was planning, because I refuse to line their pockets after they were so needlessly nasty to me. Instead I took a free month’s trial of Love Film and watched the live show and the documentary. Personally, I want my money back on the documentary, and as I said, I didn’t pay for it. But I enjoyed the gig. I enjoy Placebo’s music and although we haven’t watched Rock am Ring for a year or so, I know one day we’ll watch it again and moon over the decent version of Because I Want You (before it got reimagined) and we’ll coo over Infra-Red, and we’ll complain about Song to Say Goodbye. Because that’s what real fans do. They don’t blindly follow their idols, they know their idols faults, and they love that about them, too, and they make jokes about them, and talk about them. I know one day we’ll bust out Gurtenfest and dance to English Summer Rain and wish he moved around like that these days, and admire his mullet. But it won’t be the same. That crush is over, and River Management tore up the photos.
What a short-sighted, narrow-minded way to treat your biggest fans. It often amazes me how companies and organisations get things so wrong on social media, and end up alienating their target ‘market’. Well this is a prime example. I’ve probably given Placebo about £500 over the years on CDs and gig tickets, but I won’t be giving them any more. I wont be giving River Management any more, anyway. But I still love Placebo. Only slightly less than I used to.
And I’m not going to delete damebrianmolko. Because they really want me to, and I’m not going to give them the satisfaction. Besides, he might have something else to say, yet…
Anyway. It was started with love, and generally met with love until the bouncers got involved. As Brian himself said, 'the world is run by lying, balding know-it-alls.' Probably after he came out of a meeting with River Management.

Friday, 11 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - The Final: Get the pirate cheese ready!

So here we are. Soon my blog will be discussing more intellectual matters. Gone will be all the shit, piss and swearing and in it's place I'll be chatting shit about The Andrew Marr show, Songs of Praise and Newsnight. Oh, alright then. I'll be moaning about sexism and talking about other shitty TV.
I like seeing the ex housemates. Fucking hell, Heaven looks like crap. Where's Rebeckah? Are you fucking crackers etc. Is Harry really 23? He looks like Tim Henman's dad again tonight. I'm sure someone else is missing. Oh yeah, Mark. And Pammie. Oh and Jem! What a shame. I wonder why Jem couldn't show her face- don't want to see Aaron walk out with that 50K, that's why.
Louise was definitely thinking she was going last night, you don't wear a dress like that for no reason.
Has Alex got Michael Jackson's 'skin disease', her tan is looking seriously patchy.
Imagine if I won and went out to boos, says Aaron. Just imagine!
I feel like BOTS has took the shine off some of these highlight clips. I love the split cam! Why have they never done that before? Louise has got the same dress on again, dirty bitch. She must have been sweating yesterday. That dress is a bit ott.
Louise looks nervous! Why is she walking so slowly down those stairs? Get on with it, get the fuck out of my sight.
Louise alluding to being normal: check. She looks so nervous! I'm glad Brian mentioned when she said they had no chemistry, well sort of mentioned it. Louise: 'I love Anton!': finger on the public pulse as usual, me. Great taste she's got. Change your taste in men!
'Jay's so normal': he's not normal! He's a freak. OMG 'he wiped his arse today and showed me his shit on the bog roll.' Romeo, romeo, where for art thou Romeo! That actually shocked me. I think her brain is malfunctioning.
Here's Louise's personality in two words. Normal. Shit. The end.
Honestly, if Jay wins I'm leaving the universe.
Third place. This will be the clincher. No boos for Jay. How pathetic. OMG it's Alex! That split screen was really good when Alex went. Aaron's face was brill. NOW we have a battle on our hands. This is a fight to the death.
Alex is like Jedward coming out third! I'm not that shocked because who would really ring and vote for Alex? The Jay and Aaron fight is real! They both look quite smug now.
I can't understand what Alex is saying. How did Jay ever get to be 2nd? It's like that douche from the Jungle Cats all over again. Don't let the wolfpack win!
Tonight we got to get on the floor! Alex is getting jibbed on her highlights. Loving her fake tan hands. She's a fashion kamikaze. Still, keep away from Jenny Frost (again). Avoid it! Has Alex
got her £500K shoes on? She's probably got her Primarni ones on instead. Her interview was short!
Love Aaron and Jay holding hands. Too cute. Look at Jay's misguided trousers. Where does he get his clothes from, Mr Byrite? Why did Aaron say 'get the pirate cheese' ready when Jay walked out the door? We rewound it three times and I'll still none the wiser. I couldn't stop laughing! Prepare the Lego room!
Did you hear him whimper as Jay walked out the door. Too funny.
Jay seems on the hoof in this interview. He seemed reticent about saying he loved Louise, too. I don't think he can cope with this pressure. He's just a normal lad, blah blah blah. Does Jay live with his mum?
Oh Jay. You went in a hottie, and came out a nottie. Disco down. Now let's watch Brian eat it. I'd LOVE to know what the percentages were. I bet Aaron stormed it. I bet Jem is at home stirring her witches pot and moaning.
Aaron's having a cuppa in the background. I love seeing the winner in the background through the runner-up interview, it's lovely.
Boooooooooooooooo! Aaron is getting booed to fuck. Brian didn't pick Jay up on any of his bullshit. They are drowning out the boos with 12 zillion fireworks. I like the fact they just gave him the briefcase of cash. They'll probably make him take it on the tube later.
Brian's faux friendliness is galling. Aaron looks quite hot, I think. I wish he'd give it up with all that crikey/crumbs crap.
Aaron deserved to win after putting up with the mountain of crap he had to deal with in that house, even that of his own making.
Brian's digging Aaron out about Faye! He didn't dig Jay out about being an unhygienic animal.
Aaron has been quite quiet in the interview. It was quite a short interview, I felt.
I don't have a feelgood feeling in my stomach after this BB. There was a lot of bad feeling in that final show and Aaron's interview was really short. I usually feel all wrung out and emotional at the end, but I just feel nothing! Nothing.
Boooooooooo! I'm surprised someone don't shoot him at the end. Brian: 'it's just panto'. Many LOLs. Seriously, start watching this show again, folks. I feel like I'm shouting at the wall here.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - I saw her at auditions and thought 'for fuck's sake'

Will there be a shocker tonight, or will it be Louise or Tom as predicted? I'd LOVE it to be Jay, just to see his thick little face drop.
Brian looks fat again! You really can barely tell him and Eamonn Holmes apart these days. It's hard to say which one's insulting rape victims and which one is too busy championing fridge shits. Every since Louise said she bought her teeth, I've been thinking how unnaturally large they look. It's like Brandon Flowers all over again. But I'd never noticed before she mentioned it! Aaron looks like he's got make-up on.
Jay is obsessed with Aaron! 'Why isn't he working for MI.... whatever?' You were nearly there, Jay. So nearly there. A bit like in the final.
Louise is a dirty bugger, even I have a bath every day and I'm a lazy cunt. Louise's mum! Where did Louise get her looks from. (Sorry, a bit mean) Why is Aaron getting booed so bad? It's just more fuel for the Facebook voters!
Alex's thicko act is wearing a bit thin on me tonight. I don't know why because she doesn't normally get on my nerves. My boyfriend thinks perhaps she's believing her own hype from something she's seen on BOTS or something. Louise, what sort of idiot 'sets out to be myself'? That's just called waking up in the morning.
LOL to Aaron correcting Jay's grammar on 'your my hero'. There's a few more votes for him. That won him a round of applause in virginmary manor.
Jesus, it aint that hard to open a bottle of champs. Or bucks fizz, as the case may be. Thought Alex didn't drink? Fuck those people who don't drink. They're either right boring bastards of they've had to stop because they've knocked someone's teeth out. Either way, not a good thing.
Brian: 'really good crowd tonight' - yes, shipped right down from Newcastle!
BOTS was quite good yesterday, especially Aaron's mental friend sarcastically slagging off Aaron. Misjudged! Aaron knew it was BOTS immediately! He's even talking 'VT's! It is morally wrong to show them BOTS, though. But it was a very entertaining episode.
Alex and Tom outed! Accidental smooch! Aaron knows about those, doesn't he? I liked it when Tom said it was on purpose.
Alex's roots are a NIGHTMARE! The dreaded stripe. I can even see a dark bit they've missed underneath. I'd cry if they fucked my hair up like that. She should ask for her money back. Oh. That's my worst nightmare when I get my roots done, so my hairdresser leaves the bleach on for an hour. Itchy but effective.
Oh, no, Tom evicted. Sad face. I like Tom's little outfit, he looks like Mr Tumnus. Loved him saying 'win it for me, Alex' when he left. The security guard isn't helping him as well as he did Faye! I liked it when he escorted Faye down and she looked all happy, it was cute.
Anyone would think Tom was being dragged off to the gallows the way Alex is acting. Loving Tom saying 'safe' to the crowd. I haven't heard that in about 15 years. Him and Alex's highlights were cute. Pressing the diary room button and running away was funny.
Tom was great in his interview. I thought he was hilarious. God, I thought he was such a twat when he went in but he's actually a decent, silly guy.
Is it up to us who wins? Is it really, Brian? Is it really? If you want to make Brian squirm tomorrow, vote Aaron FTW. You know it makes sense. Alex has already won in some ways. And Jay and Louise can both go shit in a bucket. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore

I've never seen such an argumentative last week! And for that we must be grateful. The last week is normally boring. We've got sex, flirtations, strops, rows. It's been quite a good series really, despite it's production faults, live feed lack, biased BOTS and so on. Actually, BOTS has been quite enjoyable, too. I like Holy Moly dude now, Victor's been pretty good, and there have been some other cool maverick guests ie. Pete Burns and Lauren Harries.
I don't actually think Jay and Louise were 'sly', but I do think they bought the present for the cameras. I can't believe people are threatening to leave in the final week, it's ace!
Jay looks so rough compared to when he went in the house! He actually looks quite handsome in those old videos before he went in, if you can believe I'm saying that. LOL Aaron has spoken for a nation and mentioned price-tag gate. That's going to get back to Louise quick smart.
Aaron is one of those obsessive tea makers, isn't he? I had a boyfriend like that once. It didn't last.
Go on Louise, string a sentence together, put up a fight. Go on, I dare you. Tom looks like wants to disappear. Jay: 'I'm not going to shake your hand.' Aaron: 'do you think I want that?'
Jay: 'what you see is what you get'. Can I have a refund, then?
Oh Jay. You kept yourself together quite well so far. You're really fucking yourself right up the arse right now. Aaron does seem a bit beleaguered. Maybe he just needed telling. Is he listening?! I think he's listening. What is a 'radge'?
I'm not sure I like it when they get makeovers before they leave, I kind of like it when they walk out all fat, bursting out of their eviction dress with five inches of black roots. It tells a story!
Louise isn't going to talk about Aaron anymore because he's fucking up their game bad. Happy, happy house!
My boyfriend said Aaron looks like an old queen getting his pubes waxed. What is Aaron thinking! Waxing is the work of the devil. I tried waxing my legs once and it made me cry. Never again. Are Aaron's pubes ginger or is that the wax?!
Why would you bother threading your armpits? Haven't you heard of a disposable razor? It's painless!
I like Jay's make-up sentence: 'how's your dick?' Aaron looks like a refugee stumbling around. Why is Jay still bothering? I'd tell Aaron to stick it up his arse. My boyfriend just said 'That cunt does not give an inch.' about Aaron and he's right! Jay said sorry and Aaron didn't! Haha, those principles are a get out clause for anything, aren't they? I must get some!
I hate Lee Stafford! Obv. Would you trust a man with that hairdo? I am looking forward to the makeovers, despite myself. Aaron's hair looks the same! No, actually a little worse.
I'm not sure about that fringe on Louise. I LOVE fringes, and I think they suit almost everyone, but I don't know if it's for her. I like Alex's blonde but not sure about the curls, they're a bit dated, like Josie when she got her makeover after BB and they made her look bloody awful.
Not a good sign when your boyfriend goes about your hair: 'Do you like it?'
LOL to the photographer forcing Aaron and Jay to cuddle. I want that OK magazine, haha. Kerching!
Aw that's too cute Tom telling Alex she looks nice. Jay is 'coming to terms with Louise's new look'. LOL. 'Cute': another not good word from your boyfriend.
Jay on Louise's arse: 'you could eat your dinner off it.' Ha. I'm sure he will.
I like Alex's leopard print cardigan! Where's that from? What's Tom having a strop about? Being generic? He should enjoy those questions while they last, no one will be interested when he's out. I liked the way Big Brother dismissed him from the DR.
WTF is up with Tom? Is he after some airtime? Is it because he's taking being a housemate for granted? Aaron and Jay both look twitchy as Tom steals the limelight.
Eek this Diary Room strop is hilarious! 'Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore' brilliant, it's like he and Big Brother are having a marital. Big Brother shouldn't laugh and joke with Tom! Boo. Big Brother should be formal! Tom IS shallow, cheered up by a pop song. BB was right about you all along. Tom IS vapid, but I like him.
I don't think Aaron should stir up that Alex and Tom pot so close to the end. My boyfriend just said 'Did Aaron say 'Tom is like Dappy and Justin Beiber rolled into one' to his face?'
Alex's roots look yellow under her ponytail. Remind me not to go to Lee Stafford. I prefer Headlites on Holloway Road, they do my bleach job just right and just white!
What's that sparkly flat cap Jay's got on? He looks like an absolute tool. I prefer Aaron's Noel Edmonds beard. Jay is actually giving Aaron good advice if only Aaron would listen.
Aaron's 'cancelling each other out' comment was interesting. He has been thinking, hasn't he? I reckon that spiteful git would be pleased to cancel Jay out. But I still like Aaron, I can't help it.
Tom saying 'you're so pretty' was slightly 'cancelled out' by 'you're pretty to me anyway' but it still made me blub. The way they look at each other is like no look I've ever seen between Faye and Aaron or Louise and Jay.
PS: my favourite Digital Spy thread of the day: 'Do you think Louise looks happy with her scat-obsessed thug?' Props.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - I'll just sit wet *sniffle*

Louise goes to bed with a full face of make-up I see. She's probably one of those girls who gets up eight hours early so her boyfriend never sees her without her make-up on.
When they mentioned a rule break I thought they were going to tell Jay off for threatening Aaron with violence, but no.
Why are they playing Aphex Twin over the Aaron and Jay 'tension' ie. them both starting into the distance? Is Jay allowed to say he'll 'kick the life out of someone' in the DR? Apparently so.
Jay's list of fun: 'kick someone's head in. Shit in a kettle. Chew someone's head off.' The end. How does one shit in a kettle? Do they go down the spout? Remind me not to accept a cup of tea round Jay's manor.
Jay's Wolfpack stripes are showing! Why doesn't he go have one of his sauna chats with Aaron about marine biology? Oh, I know. He's exhausted all his material.
How much does Tom eat? His arms look about as wide as my fingers.
How many times can Aaron 'lose all respect' for someone? Once it's gone, it's gone.
Aaron lied on his audition tape! Kick him out. Quick. 'Sell my soul'?! What about his precious principles! Turncoat.
I can kind of understand Aaron getting annoyed with the inane chat. But what the fuck did he expect on Big Brother?
Oh BB is finally giving Jay a tell off! Well done, BB. Jay: 'my behaviour is not acceptable here.' It's not acceptable anywhere, you fucking animal. Grotesque thuggy, disgusting pig with a little fawning limpet girlfriend.
I reckon it's Anton and Aden in those clown suits. Balloooooooooooons! That task was a bit borin'.
Smoking truce!
Bloody hell, Tom and Alex were born in the 90s. I am ancient!
I liked those mayhem highlights, especially Jay picking up Tom and throwing him, that was quite funny. Louise sleeping doesn't seem so interesting. Chuck that boring bitch out.
Jay's boot camp! I like Aaron pretending to sulk and then laughing. He's such a spoilsport! Plus he was wearing that t-shirt yesterday.
Aaron is not going to have 'orders barked at him by that chump'. '5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, fucking run round again.' Lol. Get that man a fitness video. Jay should come in and start shouting at Aaron and force him to do sit ups.
Alex should get Aaron to wipe her bum. Indignity task!
I wondered what Jay was doing when he was barging into the bedroom door like a particularly thick bull. The man's an idiot. It's like him and Aaron are having a competition to see who can wreck their game the most effectively at the final hurdle.
Where did Jay get that towel from?! At least he ate before he went for his cry. He can't go and cry under the covers like Nasty Nick cos they won't let him in the bedroom. Instead he's gotta have a little cry under the hand towel.
Oh Big Brother, let Jay have his blub in peace. Jay looks like the woman who has her face ripped off by a chimp with that towel over his head.
I bet Louise doesn't like men who cry. Too soft, innit, Big Brother!
Why is Big Brother still keeping the bedroom locked like a bastard? Jay should just stay in there. Why doesn't he just get a duvet cover and lie outside?
OMG Jay's favourite song is AWFUL. That makes me want to vomit! LOL is he going to batter Aaron for dancing to his song? Aaron's dancing is super. It's rubbish when you hear a song you like when you're out and in a bad mood. It makes the pain worse! But not as bad as those saxophones in that song.
Tom's silent disco was quite amusing. They were probably playing the Macarena again.
Jay's crying disclaimer: normally he'd do anger, but he's being forced to do emotion thanks to Ofcom. At least that's what he'll tell his mates.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid.

How does Louise know the moves to the macarena, too? Is there some class I missed at school? I think Aaron missed it, too.
Oooooooh Louise is pissed off about Jay fucking a 'ladyboy'. It's not just Aaron who walks on that wild side, is it? Plus he said he did it by accident at first and then went out to do it 'because his mates did it.' He's cultured like that, isn't he?
Aaron is in macer-paina (sorry). They've already done this macarena shit! Zzzz.
Is Aaron deliberately trying to come across as the biggest shit on the planet this week? I wouldn't want a bag that cost £2,000. Jay: 'what's it made of?' Why is Aaron throwing a strop about this money when he's only got £990?!
They are only trying to get them to spend this money so there's a row about the 10K each.
Where's the Argos catalogue? I like Tom's hair longer. I think he knows there's a present in the offing. I like that red dress Louise has got on today. Jay is anxious about that cash! He doesn't feel happy! He's got his eye on that bigger prize.
I'd rather not have a cake than eat those ingredients raw. Powder gob!
I wouldn't like to be wrapped up as a present. Claustrophobia times. What's the catch with this present task? I don't get it.
Louise: 'we've spent £500 each on your presents'. Mercenary bitch! I'd rather you hadn't bothered. I can't believe she said that! OMG she said it again. You can see Aaron is about to explode. He's accepting those thanks, though.
Aaron: bad feeling harbinger. He's clip-clopping across that kitchen like a troll o'er a bridge. 'It makes you look really bad.' I can't believe he said that. If he said that to me, I'd go fucking mental at him. I'd rip his fucking head off. He is really pushing his luck.
Jay is stewing. But I can't blame him! I would have strangled Aaron to death by now. Birthday guilt trip! Who IS in the right? Who's side am I on? No one's!
If Louise really just buying that present out of the kindness of her heart why does she keep going it's 500 quid! 500 quid! Yes 500 fucking quid, we get it.
Alex looks like a fairy under the Christmas tree. They are nice shoes, though. How much are they again, Louise?
Aaron's come to wish you a unhappy birthday! I like the way they've got all the lights strobing, very nice. I've not noticed that before. Is Aaron eating a sausage on a stick?
I think Aaron is actually trying to get Jay to punch him. That's my theory.
I don't like Louise and Jay making snide remarks at Jay. Just come out and say 'you're wrong, I don't agree with you.' Get it over with.
Louise is coming off particularly stupid and shallow tonight. Jay: 'hand on heart I will not say a word to Aaron for the duration.' I've heard him say that before! How long before he speaks to him? I give him five minutes.
Jay stop bitching like a little gorm and go have it out with Aaron. Oh you can't because you'll punch him.
I'm sure Tom and Alex don't mind being 'used' when they get loot out of it. Aaron is like judge, jury and executioner. He should be the new Judge Judy.
I don't like strangers being referred to as 'randoms'. It's snobbery!
Oh Aaron. Your kamikaze gameplay continues. And still I sort of want to vote for you. And I don't know why...

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - I miss Jeremy Kyle so much

Who's buying Jay's friendliness towards Aaron? Not I! Mind you, at least he pretends. They should have played 'Why Can't I Wake Up With You' into the house this morning, Aaron would have appreciated that.
Aaron is irked the winner isn't getting the full 100K. I wonder why. Mind you, I suppose you would be in a way. Aaron is being a bit mean saying they're all putting on a performance. Because he is, too.
I haven't seen much of Louise's 'rebel without a cause' act. Where's that in the highlights show?
If they're going to do a bit of fashion filler, they need to do a full five minutes on Aaron's fleece. Tom has the best dress sense. I like what Alex wears as well. Jay dresses like a Ken doll trying to be a bit edgy. Anything's better than Faye in her beige towel.
There's Aaron's teacher fleece in the sauna! Quick, throw it on the hot coals whilst he's not looking.
Louise is doing her Miss World speech: 'as a model I don't get to help people.' Oh STFU. Alex works in McDonalds and you're moaning about being a model. You're not in Big Brother to save the whale so stop bullshitting.
I'm glad Aaron didn't hear Alex and Louise eulogising Jeremy Kyle and Louis Walsh or steam might have been coming out of his ears.
Seriously, Aaron thinks he's entitled to that fucking 100k. But he's not stupid. He's not going to take any big prize. He'll be on the tenner, mark my words.
Where's the independant adjudicator? I don't trust Jay's lottery balls. I prefer set of balls number 6 and Guinevere, myself.
It's true that if Alex has the mega bucks, she can probably be trusted to split it honestly. I think if Aaron had got them it would have been bad gameplay, bad luck, bad everything. It could hurt Alex having the £30K.
I preferred the Barbie talk to the David Cameron talk. Jay doesn't like football!? He just went up in my estimation, I thought he was a classic football thug.
Tom is twitching about Alex having that 30 grand. Surely Big Brother isn't going to let them get away with that splitting it skullduggery.
Is Aaron retarded? Of course Big Brother isn't going to sort out giving you ten grand each, Big Brother shouldn't even ALLOW you to do ten grand each.
Tom's been quite amusing tonight, I've quite enjoyed his one-liners.
I wouldn't let ANYONE suck my toe, or suck ANYONE'S toe. Jay smirking at Tom's body; I'd rather fuck Tom than Jay. Aaron has the best body, actually, I think it's quite nice, and I liked his pants, too. Good on him gyrating on Tom; do you think he would have done that if Faye was there? I bet not!
Tom and Alex's conversation was interesting: they're both skirting round the issue. Tom seems to have got it sussed, he's not going to do well. It will be him or Louise out next.
Louise is coming on a bit strong! Hold the vicar. It's just sexual frustration.
Tom to Aaron: 'you're such a glum bastard.' True.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - Swear down now on your mother's life

I thought Faye handled herself very well last night in the face of Brian's pathetic spitefulness. I liked it when she said she still loved him despite extreme provocation. In a way it's sad to see Faye go but I don't know why because I couldn't stand her. I suppose it's because it's a victory for Jay's team, isn't it?
Alex drinking full fat coke in bed for breakfast! Yum. My friend Kellie is here and she said (rather belatedly) 'it was sad to see Mark go.' No it wasn't!
Do you think Aaron is going to be wearing that fleece on final night?
I wish I had never had to see Louise in the diary room again, she's such a drip. I notice Aaron has to be forced to say 'I love you' back to Faye.
I'm so tired of Jay and Louise. So, so tired. A week of this is going to be depressing. It's hard to write this blog because my friends are talking too much. And also because it's all filler.
I think Louise just made a vulgar comment about Aaron going down on Faye. Yucks.
I don't like Faye's roman necklace, and I don't like her failed prayer to God.
Louise had bad controller's leg before she got evicted. I do admire Faye's eyebrows.
Alex: 'Faye is free-spirited.' No. DOES Aaron love Faye? I think he does in his own weird way.
The money-splitting convo: would YOU trust Aaron? At least he can do the sums, but after votegate who could trust him? Plus notice he said the winner gets the 50K plus the 10K hehe.
Will money tear them apart? Maybe, they're not that close anyway. Big Brother isn't going to let them split it between them like that anyway.
Jay: 'I'm not wired up right.' True. One week to go.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - How mean is your spouse?

What is this song they're all dancing to? Z-Sync? Aaron is being super camp today. I reckon he had that child in quick so he can come out in his mid-thirties. I don't think I could go out with someone with the music taste of a 12-year-old girl.
Kim Woodburn is in the house! Should have sent Lauren Harries in instead.
I liked Alex's reaction to drinking the 'virgin mary' (non-alcoholic bloody mary). I'd go 'eww' too. I'm desperately trying to think of a virgin mary pun on my name. Spill-over virgin mary? Low-lit virgin mary? Up-turned virgin mary? Oh dear, as Aaron would say.
Those bucking bronco things look like they'd give you a cheap thrill if you were a girl. Yet at the same time, this task is anti-erotic.
Faye and Louise's sex talk was funny. 'Can you imagine Aaron at it?' 'No,' says his girlfriend.
Jay should have cling-filmed both legs at once. He probably gets off on that sort of stuff.
Aaron's faith in Faye: 'she'd take her top off for the right money.' Niiiiiiiiiiice. Mind you, how can we believe anything anyone says after John Crab 'magazine deal' Eyes James betrayed us all. by selling his soul to OK for a set of decks and a roll around with Josie.
Health and safety, Louise has banged her leg on a shelf. LOL to them deliberately rolling in the paint. If Aaron did that he'd be crucified. My eye would definitely be on the food for a week, not the transient thrills of a roll in some blue paint.
I quite like the skirts the ladies are wearing, they're quite demure. Aaron and Alex were quite fun in that task.
Tom: 'say hello to Aggie!' to Kim. I don't think they speak any more. Not sure where I read that, probably in the Daily Mail.
I like watching Faye pretending to be friendly to Louise and Louise pretending she likes Faye when they've been nominating other for weeks.
Tom looks like Where's Wally today. I didn't realise that smoking area was undercover - they've got all the mod cons, haven't they?
If this is the happiest Faye has been in her life, she must have had an awful life. So much for that wonderful friends and family, hey?
Jay saying 'you're my little princess' is creepy! He'll be giving it 'call me daddy' in a week's time.
Sorry my blog is duff, it's because we're coming to the end of days! BB needs to stir it up, quick.
Btw, I might miss the eviction tomorrow. But then Faye and Louise are hardly the big guns. I'll be here at some point over the weekend, probably when we're being force-fed thirty minutes of highlights.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - I'm getting a semi

Please excuse me, I'm delirious and my computer aint much better.
Tom's tea frost! Perhaps a pash with Aaron would cheer him up. Jay's relationship advice isn't really worth the paper it's crayoned on. I think I'd rather have Aaron blowing hot and cold on me.
My boyfriend has Aaron's pyjama bottoms on. And it's not like an accident, he bought them from TKMaxx this week.
Yay, bring on Aaron and Jay's intellectual conversation. Sauna chat! Stephen Hawking - check. They should have shown that bit they showed on BOTS about the universe being in the shape of a horseshoe, that was much better. This cake-baking stuff is zzzz.
Jay mentioning shit - check! Is anything going to happen this episode? Ah, bad feelings about the couples task, good. Aaron and Alex's portrayal of Jay and Louise didn't mention shit! Fail.
I like the way Jay dropped his rap onto the next line like Eminem and his window pane/pain.
Louise: 'I love your little weird hands.' about Aaron. Cut to Aaron. Not a real smile. The Aaron/ Faye/ Maisy triangle was quite accurate. Tom's got the fleece on!
Aaron looks livid! 'I like to dress up in women's underwear' LOL. I can see some silent treatment coming on. You can't say Aaron doesn't provide the entertainment. His face says it all.
Aaron: 'Tom's insinuating I'm a paedophile.' Hardly. I wish Faye would just tell him to grow up and stop pandering to him.
Aaron: 'is this what you're wearing today?' WTF? The only reason you would ever say that is a negative reason. Clothes-gate!
'I'm falling in love with you. Aaron.' Only Faye could say that like 'I'm going for my STD results.'
Faye and Aaron are even arguing about dancing to A Million Love Songs!
I hope Tom and Alex do make it to Disney. Alex looked sick at the thought of Tom's willy! It's nice to watch someone have 'the best time ever'. It's not often you can pinpoint the best times ever until long after. And even then... you might not remember them.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Big Brother 2011 - Dappy is beautiful. Discuss.

This blog is a race against time before my computer breaks, I might have to finish it off on my phone. Two seconds in and Louise has mentioned the toilet! Shocker. She admits she knew what she was doing about the nominations. Will someone tell a very biased Brian Dowling and Jeff Brazier?
Why is Jay crawling up Aaron's arse? Oh, I know, that suitcase 'blu-tacked' to the wall. I'd like to see them blue tack 100K to the wall. I'd like to see Jay do it.
Let's get this straight right now, Louise is no saint, no sacrificial lamb. She voted for Faye as revenge for Aaron putting her up. Let's not pretend any different.
Another trite romantic gesture from Jay! Marriage material? He's not even one night stand material. 'I'm a good drawer!' He's no Rolf Harris.
Why is Faye doing a Northern Irish for Brian?
Aaron is 'being made to feel like he's done something wrong' LOL - just like Vincent Tabak. Aaron just admitted he liked Alex better than Faye. Well, who can blame him? But even Faye's not speaking to him now!
Those egg puns were getting on my nerves. I wouldn't like to eat my dinner in the DR with a camera in my face, it would put me off.
What sane person says their ideal man is Dappy? And he's beautiful?! Alex. You need a stronger prescription, glasses and meds-wise.
Aaron does hold an impressive grudge. I'm so crap at grudge holding! I had to call the police on one of my friends once and I still made up with them later. I'm lame at having enemies. Oh, actually, I can hold grudges with my family quite decently, scratch that.
As IF Aaron is going to go with Faye when he's out in the world! She's the 'best of a bad bunch' (in his eyes). And she's not even that!
Jay trying to win round of Aaron: 'you look like you've just been dug up.' Jay is being quite sweet 'politics is interesting'. Jay's the new Brian Cox. Jay is playing the game, but he's playing smart at the moment, smarter than Aaron. He could win it right now, but two weeks is a long time in that house.
Faye is right, who sits in front of their girlfriend and says 'I've got nothing in common with people in here.' You'd just be like 'what the fuck?' She just sits there sour, though, why doesn't she confront him? And I don't mean whining, I mean screaming! Are you glad you kept her in instead of Harry? Are you? Are you?!
I know what sort of films Jay can do, x-rated ones with Louise. Give it six months.
That Jay vs Aaron moon/ deep blue sea debate better be on the fucking highlights tomorrow. I need a good laugh.