Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!
Showing posts with label leanne. Show all posts
Showing posts with label leanne. Show all posts
Friday, 7 June 2013
Saturday, 2 June 2012
The Voice: The Final
Well here we are and already I'm hearing the fucking word 'jubilee'. Is there no escape? What has the Voice got to do with the Queen? Cunting bunting! In other news, Holly's come as a dominatrix.
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
RECAP RECAP RECAP!
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others.
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain.
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
RECAP RECAP RECAP!
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others.
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain.
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!
Saturday, 26 May 2012
The Voice: Dope on a rope
Evening all! I'm a bit under the cosh tonight as I'm writing this blog and then dashing off to a Eurovision party, which I'll be blogging as ever. Because what you want after three hours of Eurovision is to relive it all, right?
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.
Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.
Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.
Sunday, 13 May 2012
The Voice: the Olympics of singing
Greetings boyos! Yes, The Voice is like the Olympics of singing, in that it comes into your life, shrieking about how wonderful it is, and leaves you feeling empty. I exaggerate. The Olympics is much shitter. And much harder to avoid.
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue. I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!
Why does Tom Jones look so sallow? He looks like he's just been for a course of chemo.
William seems to be in fancy dress tonight. It looks like he just discovered Cyberdog for the first time and did a Jedward-style trolley dash. I do like his glasses though. It pisses me off when they cut to William and Tom Jones texting/Twittering. I presume Tom Jones has one of those big button phones for old people out of the Innovations catalogue. I heard he picked up a lovely plastic owl for his garden too, it glows and everything.
I put a spell on you. Really? That saxophone can fuck off, too.
I can't take this girl doing 'show me love' seriously. She looks like a little girl playing dress up. I thought she was a bit flat in parts, too.
Jessie J! Where's your fringe? I can't cope with the change! You're so wacky. What will she think of next? Leaving the country, I hope.
I suspect all the acts are going to be duff tonight. Which is good as Bo Bruce needs to win this motherfucker.
Fucking hell, have the Glastonbury world stage couple not been evicted yet? They're doing Everything but The Girl. I watched a good clip yesterday of Morrissey and George Michael revewing an Everything but the Girl album with Tony Blackburn. Now that was entertaining. This; not so much.
I think Joelle is alright. She looks like she's enjoying herself. I think she might be a bit off key but that's alright. She seems nice.
I think Will might have had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, either that or too many Smarties, he's getting a little over-excited. I can imagine he was quite badly bullied at school, bless him.
William to Danny: 'he's on crack.' If he is, we know where he got it from: Fergie.
Why have they done Ruth up so she looks about 40? She looks like she's wearing a floral tracksuit. You can always tell when it's a Tom Jones contestant because the songs are so fucking turgid. Fuck me, did she just get possessed halfway through? She's useless.
I enjoyed that bit where Jessie J threw a strop because Will is funnier and more entertaining than her. She seems in a right mood tonight. I think she's missing her fringe. Get someone to clip it back on, quick. Or just sack her, one or the other. Those chairs should double up as ejector seats.
Tyler just said that 'Sign your name across my heart' by Terence Trent D'arby was 'one of his favourite songs ever.' Idiot.
He's got a real thousand yard stare. He looks like a cross between Derren Brown and Christopher Walken. I can't see the appeal in him at all.
Foo Fighters cunt! Remember that 'controversial' song he did last week by fluky multi-millionaire Dave Grohl? That was real punk rock, right there on the BBC, on a talent show. Tonight he's going to be taking on more cutting edge material by middle-class multi-millionaires Radiohead. Should have done Paranoid Android or Fitter Happier. William could do the fitter happier bit in the background on a vocoder. I'd name an even more unsuitable Radiohead song than that but I stopped listening after they disappeared up their own arses.
He's not singing it high enough, ironically. Adam: 'Last week's song was 'so weird''. Yeah, who are these crazy Foo Fighters kids? They're fucking NUTS, man. What a prick.
Danny is being quite honest tonight. Which is good.
This Jaz guy bores the hell out of me. He must be sweating his nuts off in that coat.
I just skip past the parts where the personality-void Reggie Yates chats to idiots backstage.
Dinosaur mini golf. Fucking spare me. Hit the road Jack! Who is letting him get away with this bullshit?
I guess Will taking them to his studio makes more sense than Dinosaur Golf. Mind you, they had to suffer Jamie Oliver bringing the food. Got any turkey twizzlers? Pukka.
WTF was that song William's team was singing? Will can't sing a fucking note. It really is the Emperor's New Clothes (from Cyberdog).
I hope Jessie J can be a bit more professional tomorrow. Take a leaf out of Will's book. He knows gravitas when he sees it. DOPE!
Sunday, 29 April 2012
The Voice: results: Every night, we smash a Mercedes Benz
LOL to making them sing 'You've got the music in you' at the start. Are they advertising a car like on American Idol? Bo looked befuddled, I can only presume she was appalled at being made to sing the most embarrassing song of all time. Sadly they never got to the 'Courtney Love and Marylin Manson, they're all fakes run to your mansions' line. Bet the guy who sung that doesn't have a mansion right now. He's probably sleeping on a friend's sofa whilst Courtney takes a bath in liquid gold. Ooh, medley. Music! Please do stop this music. It's an earsore.
Tom Jones saying 'stepped up to the plate' is all kinds of wrong. Who decided he'd be a good judge for this show? Really? Even Louis Walsh is preferable.
Why are Holly and Reggie wearing the same clothes as they did last night? Did they film this last night? Wouldn't that dress be a bit stinky by now? Holly doesn't really look her usual beautiful self today. I'm not liking that pink dress too much and her hair doesn't look nice either. She looked hot on the front of Cosmo recently (which I only bought cos it had a free Soap and Glory mazzy).
Why did people start clapping before Holly said 'Ruth Brown'? Is she reading it off an autocue?
OMG are you serious they put that Foo Fighter's dude through? Dave Grohl must be turning in his grave.
There's not one cool person on this panel. It's like the bullied kids at school who are trying so hard to please with their zany haircuts and head bobbing. The coolest person on that panel probably IS Tom Jones. Oh my God.
The wait is over. Not such a good line, is it? I guess Big Brother stole all the good ones. I'm surprised Frances got through. She was a bit rub.
Will is doing a p-p-p-p-p-poker face. Either that or his Imodium just kicked in. He's looked a bit crab eyed™.
Reggie Yates, do you know my name, oh don't say you don't, please say you do, woah, woah. Isn't Reggie the voice of Rastamouse? He gets all the good gigs, doesn't he? He should dress as Rastamouse backstage. It would give him a sense of gravitas.
My boyfriend just said 'Fana Del Ray' when Lana Del Ray can on cos he thought it was just a lookalike. I think she's just died her hair. I do like three songs off her album and she's cute. Not this one, though.
All the contestants are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, too. This is a swizz. What's going on? I'm not surprised Sam went, he was pretty rubbish. 'I feel like my heart's been ripped out' - that's a bit too much honesty for BBC1 on a Sunday night. Gutterly butterly.
The ghost of Tom Jones looks beleaguered at Sam home. I don't think he's as sad as Sam, though. He has got all those rubbish hits and the knickers and the gold discs and the duet with with Cerys and his own 'Booby' at home. What's Sam got? A rubbish shirt?
I'm not surprised Will sent whatsherface home. She had zip-all star quality. Holly: 'Will needs a hug.' No, Will needs to start dressing his age, whatever that might be. Answers on a postcard.
By the way, Chronicle was fuckin' ace! Recommend!
Tom Jones saying 'stepped up to the plate' is all kinds of wrong. Who decided he'd be a good judge for this show? Really? Even Louis Walsh is preferable.
Why are Holly and Reggie wearing the same clothes as they did last night? Did they film this last night? Wouldn't that dress be a bit stinky by now? Holly doesn't really look her usual beautiful self today. I'm not liking that pink dress too much and her hair doesn't look nice either. She looked hot on the front of Cosmo recently (which I only bought cos it had a free Soap and Glory mazzy).
Why did people start clapping before Holly said 'Ruth Brown'? Is she reading it off an autocue?
OMG are you serious they put that Foo Fighter's dude through? Dave Grohl must be turning in his grave.
There's not one cool person on this panel. It's like the bullied kids at school who are trying so hard to please with their zany haircuts and head bobbing. The coolest person on that panel probably IS Tom Jones. Oh my God.
The wait is over. Not such a good line, is it? I guess Big Brother stole all the good ones. I'm surprised Frances got through. She was a bit rub.
Will is doing a p-p-p-p-p-poker face. Either that or his Imodium just kicked in. He's looked a bit crab eyed™.
Reggie Yates, do you know my name, oh don't say you don't, please say you do, woah, woah. Isn't Reggie the voice of Rastamouse? He gets all the good gigs, doesn't he? He should dress as Rastamouse backstage. It would give him a sense of gravitas.
My boyfriend just said 'Fana Del Ray' when Lana Del Ray can on cos he thought it was just a lookalike. I think she's just died her hair. I do like three songs off her album and she's cute. Not this one, though.
All the contestants are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, too. This is a swizz. What's going on? I'm not surprised Sam went, he was pretty rubbish. 'I feel like my heart's been ripped out' - that's a bit too much honesty for BBC1 on a Sunday night. Gutterly butterly.
The ghost of Tom Jones looks beleaguered at Sam home. I don't think he's as sad as Sam, though. He has got all those rubbish hits and the knickers and the gold discs and the duet with with Cerys and his own 'Booby' at home. What's Sam got? A rubbish shirt?
I'm not surprised Will sent whatsherface home. She had zip-all star quality. Holly: 'Will needs a hug.' No, Will needs to start dressing his age, whatever that might be. Answers on a postcard.
By the way, Chronicle was fuckin' ace! Recommend!
Saturday, 28 April 2012
The Voice UK (huh!) - Live shows
I've been enjoying The Voice US so much that I just don't think our version can live up to it now. I've seen singers with a million times more talent than that Scotty McCreepy, who won last year's dead duck American Idol, sent home with a flea in their ear. The standard of talent and the song choices have been great, so I really hope our series takes a lead from that. Added love was provided last week in the extra form of of a radioactive Christina Aguilera giving Justin Bieber a screwface. Although they did chuck out all of my favourite people last week, but that's to be expected. And Jessie J appeared going 'huh'! Do we really have to inflict her on the US? I say only if they get to keep her.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'.
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'.
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.
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