You still watching this formulaic old toot? Me too! Well take my hand and let me lead you through a forest of relentless negativity. Let's see how we're going to be patronised and manipulated tonight. What songs will be murdered? What pointless horrible theme will be foisted upon them (and us)? Oh, Saturday night at the movies. Gross. Only marginally better than 'Big Band' (await Michael Buble Christmas album in the adverts). Also, we call them FILMS. Stop trying to sound cool.
First off, I want to complain about the pink and blue logo. They still have the red and black logo at the start, so what's with this pink and blue bullshit? Red and black is strong! Pink and blue is wishy washy. Don't dilute your brand! Don't tell me Simon Cowell doesn't know about the essence of the brand. Red and black. Sort it out. Oh, the X is gold tonight. Yet MORE dilution! Fools.
So this lot of judges. Don't even get me started. I can't even look at Mel B without thinking of her husband killing a duck. She seems to have completely lost her spark, which I guess you would, if you're in a controlling relationship, where your husband bans the woman who sang the song 'Mama' from speaking to her... Mama. Sad. Cheryl Fernandez-V cares so little about her own identity that she would change her name twice (and probably counting). Does SHE not have a brand to think of? I know why she didn't go back to Tweedy, I guess (criminal record, cough) but really, I find it sad that this supposed successful independent popstar thinks so little of herself. If you want to change your name once, fine. Twice is starting to look dumb. Especially if you're tattooing that shit on you. It's quite sad to see. And Simon and Louis are just Simon and Louis. It's like a time warp. But now I'm getting old. And they look the same.
First up is Jake. On first, so they obviously want him out. Is it just me or was Jake 50 times better looking last year? I dunno if it's his hair or what but he is not doing it for me this time. I liked him last year. This song is fucking AWFUL. He sounds off. Is that falsetto? Morrissey would weep! What a boring performance. Terrible start. Simon doesn't even know who's mentoring this dude.
I miss Blonde Electric! There's no fun act. And no, that dude who did Rick Astley last week doesn't count. I tell you who I don't miss, though; Overload.
Only the Young. How the fuck did they survive doing Come on Eileen? Great phone outfit, though. What is it with this hair all the blokes have at the moment, like a big quiff with really short sides? It's hideous. A quiff is cool, like a Morrissey or Lee Ryan quiff (yeah I said it) but not this fucking boufanty nonsense. I'm so glad I'm not looking to fuck anyone new anymore, I'd be sick. The blonde guy looks like Jedward's older brother. Who is voting for Only the Young? Who is their audience? I like the fact they're actually friends, not manufactured. But really, who is there to like in the band? Everyone is strangely sexless. How do they all know each other? Are they fucking? Are they named after that average Brandon Flowers solo record? I need to know more. That performance did nothing for me one way or the other. It literally went in one ear and out the other. But don't get me wrong, I quite like them, lol.
I have no clue why this Jay James guy is there. He's like a poundshop James Blunt. We're trying to get rid of the other one, why do we need another! Please, no more posh pop stars. It's making me want to go all Russell Brand and start ranting nonsensically. The overs category is an actual embarrassment. It's dumb cos they get rid of loads of good boys and girls for these joke or mediocre acts. And he's singing fucking James Bond. Fuck James Bond and fuck this song. You need to be a woman to sing this song. This guy is too weedy for this song. Seriously, who is going to buy his album? Even my mum thinks he's a dick (probably). God, I hate Cheryl. She's a millionaire, gorgeous and newly married to the not-gay-at-all Jean-thingy whatshisface so you think she could crack a fucking smile once in a while. She always looks like someone's waving a wet fish under her nose, the miserable cow. I wouldn't buy any hairspray she advertised, I'd expect it to give me manic depression.
I was annoyed with Simon dissing Andrea last week as it was so transparently storylined as it's so obvious Andrea is going to win. I've not seen someone as good on X Factor since Leona Lewis. It's an insult for Simon to criticise him. Andrea seems so lovely, too. He even looks a bit cute tonight. And he LOVES PUGS. I want to cuddle him. I hate this song he's singing, though. It's such a warble fest. He's singing it well, though. I love the emotion! Simon is such a twat with his donuts comment to him. Simon is being a prick. His analogy was completely lost on Andrea.
Lola's boyfriend is cute! He obviously likes fish. I like Lola, I thought it was weird when she got sent home. I did like Steph as well, though. Eek, Lola sounds off. Shit. Oh she got good comments anyway. Never mind.
Next is Paul. My mum's favourite. Yawn! I hate Try a Little Tenderness, too. I can't get excited about this guy. I just don't get it. He's not for me. Was fat, now thinner. So what? Mel B thinks he's like a 'white Jay Z.'
I like Lauren Platt, she's cutesy. Loving her glittery eyeshadow, very Barry M. That song was a bit drab though, but her voice was good. I've just realised I've hardly said anything about what the judges are saying. It's because they're not saying anything interesting in the slightest.
Jack is the most pointless person in the competition. Nondescript voice, nondescript face and another hairsprayed quiff. Swap him with Jake and who could really tell the difference? Probably not even their own mothers. This one bores the crap out of me. I find him about as sexually attractive as I do Louis. Oh dear God, a pared down version of Eye of the Tiger. kjfjjrfjiieeeeueuuuuyrryryryiesjsjsjh. Sorry, that was me banging my head on my keyboard. I remember when this song had a tune. What issues is Mel talking about? Probably some problem with the duck killer she brought to work with her. And Mel might read this (ha!) and go, 'So he killed a duck! It was years ago!' But I say, once a duck killer, always a duck killer. Some things can't be erased by the sands of time.
Anyway. I can't get excited about Fleur. I like the letters spelling out her name. Remember Orla who Cheryl kicked out in place of the pathetic Chloe Jasmine? She was so interesting and cool. Fleur is just blah to me. I do like her little raps, and they're not cringe, which they easily could be, but I'm just not feeling her. Her backing vocals sound loud as fuck this week, too! You think they'd get the hint. Lady Marmalade, go away.
Stevi is getting on my nerves. Bring back Wagner! He looks like his face is melting. He can't sing a note. I can't even see the funny side. Louis agrees with me (worrying).
Simon pretending he goes to Harvester. Last time I went to a Harvester I locked myself out the house. Never again.
I've never seen Footloose, but I have seen the film where Kevin Bacon plays a paedo. I think I prefer that. Not sure it had any songs in it, though.
Dermot seems to be twitching about time tonight. He's making me feel on edge. Hold on, no one has done My Heart Will Go On yet. Talking of sinking ships, why is everyone moaning that this 8 piece boy band has 8... well, pieces, because they fucking put 8 of them together! I think they sing well. Fuck me, though, they ALL have that haircut! ALL OF THEM! Is it obligatory to be in a boyband, like when you join the army? I like the little tattooed one and the kind of ugly one who seems to be the best singer. There's three I would get rid of, though. One with weird teeth, one who looks like a ventriloquist dummy and the youngest one. Then it becomes a bit more interesting. Oh you could also ditch that one in the baggy grey tshirt. No one would miss him. Also, Stereo Kicks is the worst band name since One Direction. Truly, an abomination. DEAR LORD, Let it Be. I HATE Let it Be. I can play it on the keyboard, though. That and Oh When the Saints, obv.
Ben: 'I used to be sitting at home watching on the other side of the TV.' Why not turn it round, then? I look at Ben Haenow and I just see Steve Brookstein. And we need another Steve Brookstein less than we need another James Blunt.
Is that it? Oh can't it go on for another half an hour (no one ever said). Thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label andrea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label andrea. Show all posts
Saturday, 25 October 2014
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
Heart-Breaking Bad
I wasn’t first to the Breaking Bad party, but I started
watching about a year in, when there was only one series. I remember thinking
Walt would be dead by the end of season one. I also remember finding it a bit
slow at first, which seems contradictory, but Breaking Bad has always been slow
in parts, or maybe certain parts just seemed slow compared to the craziness of
the rest of the show. Skyler and co sitting round with the talking pillow is a
marked contrast to Walt blowing up Tuco’s ‘office’, for example, and don’t get
me started on the bloody ‘Fly’ episode (yes, it’s a metaphor, blah blah). So
Breaking Bad has always had light and shade, but the shade has gone virtually
to black right now. The first series, in particular, seems cartoonish in its
violence, and is full of laughs. The high octane thrills of cooking in the RV,
the acid bath fuck up, the van breaking down, and things like Jesse’s
answerphone message and Walt Junior’s fundraising website seem very far away.
I’m really glad that I rewatched the whole thing up to the halfway point of
season 5 before I watched the final 8 episodes, because it would be harder to
watch the whole lot without feeling real sadness now, rather than the excited anticipation
I had before.
In a way I wish I could ‘unwatch’ the last seven episodes, although the finale was absolutely fantastic. I suppose I wanted the obvious ending of Walt vs Hank – I felt like that’s what we’d been waiting for – that’s what we’d been building up to. For me, some of the final episodes became too far-fetched, and it began with Hank on the toilet. I always wanted him to see Walt in the Heisenberg hat! I also wanted Jesse to have the Trainspotting ending (which he did – in part), not to be psychologically abused. It also felt like the writers were so desperately to tie up loose ends – like Jane and Grey Matter, which both seemed irrelevant, but then the final scene in Gretchen and Elliot’s house was edge-of-seat brilliance. When the lasers appeared on their chests, I jumped out of my skin. I felt like in the two episodes before the finale the heart of the show was lost –Walt and his family, which includes Jesse. But then I suppose that only served to make the ending more impactful. Still: what a lot to put us through. It was like in the Lion King when they kill Simba’s dad: how do you come back from that? With a machine gun, in this case.
I was still on Walt’s side right up to the Hank stand off in the desert; I know a lot of people had deserted (!) him long before that, but that was the final straw for me personally. I don’t see how Walt could go from warning Saul to never suggest Jesse being killed, to Walt offering Jesse up and telling Jesse he killed Jane in a couple of episodes? It didn't ring true. I felt like they were writing by committee and losing sight of the characters a bit at this point. I know other people feel otherwise, but the heart of the show for me was always the two of them against the world that one couldn’t and wouldn’t ‘run the business’ without the other.
The false ‘confession tape’ also felt out of character, and especially for Skyler: would she really have done that to Hank and Marie? I know she’s gone rogue, but that felt like a step too far. And ordering a hit on Jesse! Similarly, Jesse going to the DEA. Never the DEA! It didn’t feel right; Jesse isn’t a rat. I kept waiting for him to climb out of a window with the confession tape.
Jesse’s realisation that Saul and his cronies stole the ricin was also pure soap opera and a stretch, and Breaking Bad has never felt that way before. There could have been a lot more interesting ways for him to find out about Brock.
The fight between Skyler and Walt with the knife was great and horrible; but Walt’s cry of ‘we’re family!’ was also proper Peggy Mitchell. It felt like real domestic violence in that moment, though. The whole façade fell to pieces.
I also felt cheated out of the scenes where Gomez and Flynn were told about Walt; I know we were short on time by this point, but those type of reactions are what we’ve been waiting for; and if we can waste 30 minutes on Walt hanging out in a cabin, I feel like we could have had those moments. I wanted those moments.
My final criticism – and I’m criticising the show because I love it – is that I also felt like the way Hank was dispatched was just too much to bear for my little heart. It had always been Walt and Skyler, Hank and Marie, and it just felt hopeless once Hank was gone. Also, when Jesse nearly escaped and they bumped off the dozy Andrea: it just felt too cruel, too much to deal with. I remember when Gus and Mike first turned up I thought the show had gone ‘dark’ – but they seem highly likeable in comparison to the horrible Todd and the grating Lydia. I feel like far too much time of the last few episodes have been wasted on these unpleasant characters, when we could have had a good old fashioned cat and mouse game with Hank’s family and Walt’s family – but then again, the way they wrapped it all up at the end was more than I could have asked for.
It was a brilliant touch to bring back Badger and Skinny P (I called it!) and there were so many other glorious bits; Walt’s heart-wrenching goodbye to Holly (I cried), his confession (finally) that he did it for himself ‘I liked it’, the final bit of science with the rotating gun (I’d like to see Mythbusters pick the bones out of that one) and of course; him saving Jesse. That was his fault that Jesse was in that situation in the first place was not lost. But he saved him. So many more nice touches; uncle Jack smoking his final drag, Jesse finally doing Todd (I was praying for a ‘bitch!’) and Lydia getting it with the sweetener. That Walt died in a meth lab ‘the place where he lives’ was poetic justice. And didn’t you think Jesse was going to run him over right at the end? It had great echoes of when Walt ran over the drug dealers. And finally Walt was truthful with Jesse; he wanted Jesse to kill him. And Jesse wasn’t giving him what he wanted. Not this time. Was Jesse happy or just manic as he drove away, and where did he go? I don’t agree with the people saying he went for Brock – Brock has a granny, and Jesse has ruined Brock’s life enough. Jesse must be off somewhere new. The fact he didn’t get the money didn’t matter in the end; the money was too tainted to take to a new life.
Looking back at the unsurpassable Tuco, Hector and his bell, Tuco’s brilliant cousins, the downfall of Ted – it all seems like light-hearted fun compared to the recent series. And there have been some laughs this series – Saul has been consistent from day one – but the disintegration of the partnership that underpinned the whole show was so hard to watch. They went at it so hard in the final episodes; I swear, I nearly had a heart attack. I was in bits.
I was sure I’d written a blog about Breaking Bad before, and quite disappointed that I hadn’t, as I would have liked to have seen my perspective a season or two in.
And now what do we do with our lives? Breaking Bad is the best drama I’ve ever seen. It has everything; comedy, violence, cool, great characters and actors. I have talked about it more with people than I have any other drama on TV. I have talked about it constantly for weeks. I love it wholeheartedly. I’m sure I’ll watch the lot again, but not for a long time! My heart can’t take it. My boyfriend summed it up best afterwards, as we looked for something fluffy to watch, a cartoon, or a quiz show. He said, ‘Right this wrong.’ But some wrongs have gone too far to be righted. Hank in the desert. Jesse’s soul. In a way, it feels like Walt got off lightly.
In a way I wish I could ‘unwatch’ the last seven episodes, although the finale was absolutely fantastic. I suppose I wanted the obvious ending of Walt vs Hank – I felt like that’s what we’d been waiting for – that’s what we’d been building up to. For me, some of the final episodes became too far-fetched, and it began with Hank on the toilet. I always wanted him to see Walt in the Heisenberg hat! I also wanted Jesse to have the Trainspotting ending (which he did – in part), not to be psychologically abused. It also felt like the writers were so desperately to tie up loose ends – like Jane and Grey Matter, which both seemed irrelevant, but then the final scene in Gretchen and Elliot’s house was edge-of-seat brilliance. When the lasers appeared on their chests, I jumped out of my skin. I felt like in the two episodes before the finale the heart of the show was lost –Walt and his family, which includes Jesse. But then I suppose that only served to make the ending more impactful. Still: what a lot to put us through. It was like in the Lion King when they kill Simba’s dad: how do you come back from that? With a machine gun, in this case.
I was still on Walt’s side right up to the Hank stand off in the desert; I know a lot of people had deserted (!) him long before that, but that was the final straw for me personally. I don’t see how Walt could go from warning Saul to never suggest Jesse being killed, to Walt offering Jesse up and telling Jesse he killed Jane in a couple of episodes? It didn't ring true. I felt like they were writing by committee and losing sight of the characters a bit at this point. I know other people feel otherwise, but the heart of the show for me was always the two of them against the world that one couldn’t and wouldn’t ‘run the business’ without the other.
The false ‘confession tape’ also felt out of character, and especially for Skyler: would she really have done that to Hank and Marie? I know she’s gone rogue, but that felt like a step too far. And ordering a hit on Jesse! Similarly, Jesse going to the DEA. Never the DEA! It didn’t feel right; Jesse isn’t a rat. I kept waiting for him to climb out of a window with the confession tape.
Jesse’s realisation that Saul and his cronies stole the ricin was also pure soap opera and a stretch, and Breaking Bad has never felt that way before. There could have been a lot more interesting ways for him to find out about Brock.
The fight between Skyler and Walt with the knife was great and horrible; but Walt’s cry of ‘we’re family!’ was also proper Peggy Mitchell. It felt like real domestic violence in that moment, though. The whole façade fell to pieces.
I also felt cheated out of the scenes where Gomez and Flynn were told about Walt; I know we were short on time by this point, but those type of reactions are what we’ve been waiting for; and if we can waste 30 minutes on Walt hanging out in a cabin, I feel like we could have had those moments. I wanted those moments.
My final criticism – and I’m criticising the show because I love it – is that I also felt like the way Hank was dispatched was just too much to bear for my little heart. It had always been Walt and Skyler, Hank and Marie, and it just felt hopeless once Hank was gone. Also, when Jesse nearly escaped and they bumped off the dozy Andrea: it just felt too cruel, too much to deal with. I remember when Gus and Mike first turned up I thought the show had gone ‘dark’ – but they seem highly likeable in comparison to the horrible Todd and the grating Lydia. I feel like far too much time of the last few episodes have been wasted on these unpleasant characters, when we could have had a good old fashioned cat and mouse game with Hank’s family and Walt’s family – but then again, the way they wrapped it all up at the end was more than I could have asked for.
It was a brilliant touch to bring back Badger and Skinny P (I called it!) and there were so many other glorious bits; Walt’s heart-wrenching goodbye to Holly (I cried), his confession (finally) that he did it for himself ‘I liked it’, the final bit of science with the rotating gun (I’d like to see Mythbusters pick the bones out of that one) and of course; him saving Jesse. That was his fault that Jesse was in that situation in the first place was not lost. But he saved him. So many more nice touches; uncle Jack smoking his final drag, Jesse finally doing Todd (I was praying for a ‘bitch!’) and Lydia getting it with the sweetener. That Walt died in a meth lab ‘the place where he lives’ was poetic justice. And didn’t you think Jesse was going to run him over right at the end? It had great echoes of when Walt ran over the drug dealers. And finally Walt was truthful with Jesse; he wanted Jesse to kill him. And Jesse wasn’t giving him what he wanted. Not this time. Was Jesse happy or just manic as he drove away, and where did he go? I don’t agree with the people saying he went for Brock – Brock has a granny, and Jesse has ruined Brock’s life enough. Jesse must be off somewhere new. The fact he didn’t get the money didn’t matter in the end; the money was too tainted to take to a new life.
Looking back at the unsurpassable Tuco, Hector and his bell, Tuco’s brilliant cousins, the downfall of Ted – it all seems like light-hearted fun compared to the recent series. And there have been some laughs this series – Saul has been consistent from day one – but the disintegration of the partnership that underpinned the whole show was so hard to watch. They went at it so hard in the final episodes; I swear, I nearly had a heart attack. I was in bits.
I was sure I’d written a blog about Breaking Bad before, and quite disappointed that I hadn’t, as I would have liked to have seen my perspective a season or two in.
And now what do we do with our lives? Breaking Bad is the best drama I’ve ever seen. It has everything; comedy, violence, cool, great characters and actors. I have talked about it more with people than I have any other drama on TV. I have talked about it constantly for weeks. I love it wholeheartedly. I’m sure I’ll watch the lot again, but not for a long time! My heart can’t take it. My boyfriend summed it up best afterwards, as we looked for something fluffy to watch, a cartoon, or a quiz show. He said, ‘Right this wrong.’ But some wrongs have gone too far to be righted. Hank in the desert. Jesse’s soul. In a way, it feels like Walt got off lightly.
Friday, 7 June 2013
The Voice: Live shows
Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!
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