Friday, 7 June 2013

The Voice: Live shows

Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!

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