The X Factor: Why of the Tiger

You still watching this formulaic old toot? Me too! Well take my hand and let me lead you through a forest of relentless negativity. Let's see how we're going to be patronised and manipulated tonight. What songs will be murdered? What pointless horrible theme will be foisted upon them (and us)? Oh, Saturday night at the movies. Gross. Only marginally better than 'Big Band' (await Michael Buble Christmas album in the adverts). Also, we call them FILMS. Stop trying to sound cool.
First off, I want to complain about the pink and blue logo. They still have the red and black logo at the start, so what's with this pink and blue bullshit? Red and black is strong! Pink and blue is wishy washy. Don't dilute your brand! Don't tell me Simon Cowell doesn't know about the essence of the brand. Red and black. Sort it out. Oh, the X is gold tonight. Yet MORE dilution! Fools.
So this lot of judges. Don't even get me started. I can't even look at Mel B without thinking of her husband killing a duck. She seems to have completely lost her spark, which I guess you would, if you're in a controlling relationship, where your husband bans the woman who sang the song 'Mama' from speaking to her... Mama. Sad. Cheryl Fernandez-V cares so little about her own identity that she would change her name twice (and probably counting). Does SHE not have a brand to think of? I know why she didn't go back to Tweedy, I guess (criminal record, cough) but really, I find it sad that this supposed successful independent popstar thinks so little of herself. If you want to change your name once, fine. Twice is starting to look dumb. Especially if you're tattooing that shit on you. It's quite sad to see. And Simon and Louis are just Simon and Louis. It's like a time warp. But now I'm getting old. And they look the same.
First up is Jake. On first, so they obviously want him out. Is it just me or was Jake 50 times better looking last year? I dunno if it's his hair or what but he is not doing it for me this time. I liked him last year. This song is fucking AWFUL. He sounds off. Is that falsetto? Morrissey would weep! What a boring performance. Terrible start. Simon doesn't even know who's mentoring this dude.
I miss Blonde Electric! There's no fun act. And no, that dude who did Rick Astley last week doesn't count. I tell you who I don't miss, though; Overload.
Only the Young. How the fuck did they survive doing Come on Eileen? Great phone outfit, though. What is it with this hair all the blokes have at the moment, like a big quiff with really short sides? It's hideous. A quiff is cool, like a Morrissey or Lee Ryan quiff (yeah I said it) but not this fucking boufanty nonsense. I'm so glad I'm not looking to fuck anyone new anymore, I'd be sick. The blonde guy looks like Jedward's older brother. Who is voting for Only the Young? Who is their audience? I like the fact they're actually friends, not manufactured. But really, who is there to like in the band? Everyone is strangely sexless. How do they all know each other? Are they fucking? Are they named after that average Brandon Flowers solo record? I need to know more. That performance did nothing for me one way or the other. It literally went in one ear and out the other. But don't get me wrong, I quite like them, lol.
I have no clue why this Jay James guy is there. He's like a poundshop James Blunt. We're trying to get rid of the other one, why do we need another! Please, no more posh pop stars. It's making me want to go all Russell Brand and start ranting nonsensically. The overs category is an actual embarrassment. It's dumb cos they get rid of loads of good boys and girls for these joke or mediocre acts. And he's singing fucking James Bond. Fuck James Bond and fuck this song. You need to be a woman to sing this song. This guy is too weedy for this song. Seriously, who is going to buy his album? Even my mum thinks he's a dick (probably). God, I hate Cheryl. She's a millionaire, gorgeous and newly married to the not-gay-at-all Jean-thingy whatshisface so you think she could crack a fucking smile once in a while. She always looks like someone's waving a wet fish under her nose, the miserable cow. I wouldn't buy any hairspray she advertised, I'd expect it to give me manic depression.
I was annoyed with Simon dissing Andrea last week as it was so transparently storylined as it's so obvious Andrea is going to win. I've not seen someone as good on X Factor since Leona Lewis. It's an insult for Simon to criticise him. Andrea seems so lovely, too. He even looks a bit cute tonight. And he LOVES PUGS. I want to cuddle him. I hate this song he's singing, though. It's such a warble fest. He's singing it well, though. I love the emotion! Simon is such a twat with his donuts comment to him. Simon is being a prick. His analogy was completely lost on Andrea.
Lola's boyfriend is cute! He obviously likes fish. I like Lola, I thought it was weird when she got sent home. I did like Steph as well, though.  Eek, Lola sounds off. Shit. Oh she got good comments anyway. Never mind.
Next is Paul. My mum's favourite. Yawn! I hate Try a Little Tenderness, too. I can't get excited about this guy. I just don't get it. He's not for me. Was fat, now thinner. So what? Mel B thinks he's like a 'white Jay Z.'
I like Lauren Platt, she's cutesy. Loving her glittery eyeshadow, very Barry M. That song was a bit drab though, but her voice was good. I've just realised I've hardly said anything about what the judges are saying. It's because they're not saying anything interesting in the slightest.
Jack is the most pointless person in the competition. Nondescript voice, nondescript face and another hairsprayed quiff. Swap him with Jake and who could really tell the difference? Probably not even their own mothers. This one bores the crap out of me. I find him about as sexually attractive as I do Louis. Oh dear God, a pared down version of Eye of the Tiger. kjfjjrfjiieeeeueuuuuyrryryryiesjsjsjh. Sorry, that was me banging my head on my keyboard. I remember when this song had a tune. What issues is Mel talking about? Probably some problem with the duck killer she brought to work with her. And Mel might read this (ha!) and go, 'So he killed a duck! It was years ago!' But I say, once a duck killer, always a duck killer. Some things can't be erased by the sands of time.
Anyway. I can't get excited about Fleur. I like the letters spelling out her name. Remember Orla who Cheryl kicked out in place of the pathetic Chloe Jasmine? She was so interesting and cool. Fleur is just blah to me. I do like her little raps, and they're not cringe, which they easily could be, but I'm just not feeling her. Her backing vocals sound loud as fuck this week, too! You think they'd get the hint. Lady Marmalade, go away.
Stevi is getting on my nerves. Bring back Wagner! He looks like his face is melting. He can't sing a note. I can't even see the funny side. Louis agrees with me (worrying).
Simon pretending he goes to Harvester. Last time I went to a Harvester I locked myself out the house. Never again.
I've never seen Footloose, but I have seen the film where Kevin Bacon plays a paedo. I think I prefer that. Not sure it had any songs in it, though.
Dermot seems to be twitching about time tonight. He's making me feel on edge. Hold on, no one has done My Heart Will Go On yet. Talking of sinking ships, why is everyone moaning that this 8 piece boy band has 8... well, pieces, because they fucking put 8 of them together! I think they sing well. Fuck me, though, they ALL have that haircut! ALL OF THEM! Is it obligatory to be in a boyband, like when you join the army?  I like the little tattooed one and the kind of ugly one who seems to be the best singer. There's three I would get rid of, though. One with weird teeth, one who looks like a ventriloquist dummy and the youngest one. Then it becomes a bit more interesting. Oh you could also ditch that one in the baggy grey tshirt. No one would miss him. Also, Stereo Kicks is the worst band name since One Direction. Truly, an abomination. DEAR LORD, Let it Be. I HATE Let it Be. I can play it on the keyboard, though. That and Oh When the Saints, obv.
Ben: 'I used to be sitting at home watching on the other side of the TV.' Why not turn it round, then? I look at Ben Haenow and I just see Steve Brookstein. And we need another Steve Brookstein less than we need another James Blunt.
Is that it? Oh can't it go on for another half an hour (no one ever said). Thanks for reading!

Big Brother 13: Fucking hell, you weird bitch

I just watched a bit of Braxton Family Values. It was an eye-opener.com.
Anyway, let's see another undeserving person thrown out of the happy, happy house. Me and my friends who are round (alright, my boyfriend and my only friend who's round) sort of want Luke A to stay, but agree he needs to get his game together. I am so 50/50 on it, I just can't decide. Either is the wrong result, and the final will be full of baddies. The only solace I suppose is that they'll all get 5 minute interviews.
My BFF thinks Caroline is funny and 'the most entertaining - but cruel'! Goodness me.
My boyfriend just pointed out that 'someone has Ribena as their night drink.' That can't be good for your teeth. Good luck with merging in with the douche crowd, Adam. My BFF said, 'you're better off being yourself' and she's right. 
LOL, why is Ashleigh telling Luke S he's got a small willy and Conor's got a big 'un? That was actually quite funny for her.
Why is Adam handcuffing Deana? Lauren in the DR: 'awkward.' Awkward is too overused. I don't believe you can just declare yourself 'one of the lads', either.
What is this 'Jersey brand of cigarettes'? Does it have a cow on it? #racist
I like Adam refusing to integrate. My BFF just pointed out that it seems like no one has had a good time in that house. It has been the most sour series ever.
Luke A - please cheer up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's quite tedious to watch.
You do lie detector! This task would have been more interesting with Adam. I still don't get the Sara/ Deana best friends thing. Sara seems to be answering quite honestly. Well, well, well. You were LYING, etc.
My boyfriend just declared: 'Pete Waterman is the best songwriter in the world and Michaela Strachan taught how to read using The Sun newspaper.' What the fucking fuck?
Adam takes things a bit too personally. Who cares if he's the least person she'd like to be stuck in the house with? I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Is Sara really saying she fancies Conor? UGH. Ashleigh: 'Conor's absolutely stunning.' If you like Desperate Dan with spray-on hair, I guess.
So Lauren bit the dust. They didn't even show Luke's face. The camera angles have been shit this year. Lauren should not be going before 90% of that house. A very subdued eviction, I think. 
I'm on the live feed now. LOL to the 'get Caroline out' chants. Giggle, giggle. Luke A: time to fix up and look sharp. Him, Adam and Deana need to get their heads together fast and start shit-stirring about two housemates fast (without saying the word 'nomination' - it's not that difficult).
What's that white suit Adam's wearing? Ashleigh actually looks quite nice tonight. Shame about the genetics.
Why is Conor always wearing Aztec prints? Why is no one saying anything? This live feed is dregs. I want to know what conversation Adam and Lauren were having outside, ffs.
And we're back in the room. Just watched Brand X in the meantime, it was a lot better than the Sexy Ads show.
Don't think much to Luke A's outfit. Two dreary shades of black on your potential eviction night? Snooze.
Another win for Team Cunt. Lauren is getting cheered. Hope Ashleigh can hear that. She got a great reception. I'm glad Lauren's out of there in a way. Who wants to live with that rotten lot anyway? WTF did she do to deserve 7 nominations?
Lauren: 'after everyone's heard everyone's stories...' We never get to hear anyone's stories. It's horrid showing her that 'spoon' thing; her basically being dehumanised. Why are they focusing on Caroline so much? Ashleigh hated her just as much, if not more. Why haven't they focused on that more? Caroline is clearly the fall guy this week; bet you a million pounds everyone puts Caroline up this week; she's an easy target now.
Lauren's loving the Adam clips. They didn't show him saying he's got a hard-on. What's the porno music?
I knew Brian was going to say Lauren was leading Adam on. Brian always has a go at the wrong person.
Lauren was classy in her interview. But I was depressed about her comment that all girls talk about is make-up. Fuck off. 
Quite sad, really. She should have been in the final. It's going to be such a grim final. It's going to be Frankie Cocozza and Denise Welch all over again. But times five.
Did Brian just say Kirk Norcross was hot? My boyfriend's reaction to that was: 'well some gay men like homophobes.' Ah, that little bit of live feed was good because you can see the outsiders have been buoyed by it a bit. Deana; 'we need to join forces'. Correct. Go under the covers. Write it on a piece of paper in eyeliner. Whisper in the toilets. Just align your fucking votes this week; please. It's your last chance.

Big Brother 13: Yop top

My boyfriend has suddenly turned into Dennis Leary; moaning and ranting that hot water gets turned off for rule breaks instead of housemates 'being put on the block': (note the BBUSA speak). He's not wrong, though.
Lauren's roots are looking like mine do before I force myself from the London/Surrey borders to Holloway Road to get mine done. I think I go once every three months. As a peroxide blonde; it's unforgivable.
Ashleigh isn't sure about her outfit; nor am I. It looks like one of Courtney Love's cast offs; and only Courtney can get away with that.
Luke S pretending that location or clean vs messy means anything to his and Ashleigh's 'relationship' is laughable. We know there's no relationship. There's not one now, and there certainly won't be one outside the house. It's too little, too late and you're fooling no one, sunshine.
I'm not surprised that Ashleigh and Scott are turning on Becky next; it was obvious she was going to be the next fall guy. But I'm happy to see her fall; in fact, I'll give her a shove myself.
How to repel boys... how to repel the entire human race, more like, Caroline.
Is Deana going on about money again? I hope Luke S isn't listening. I feel a bit sorry for her if she thinks the way to stop men cheating is to 'cut off his money'?! Cut off his dick, more like. Ashleigh is talking sense for once. Vows are for life! Lauren: 'every man will cheat.' How sad.
Ashleigh: 'I've got so many words to describe Deana.' I can imagine what one is. Yet she has none to describe anything else. Ashleigh is such a bitter person, and it's written all over her face. Her 'soulmate' parents produced a cruel little bully, I hope they're pleased.
They're having to shoehorn a storyline in for Sara as she has all the personality of a lampshade. She looks nice, though, in fact she looks lovely. Every time I look at Conor's gurning face I feel sick and sad.
Scott's gay, so why does he have to do the date? Is this where he's going to get the tell-off? What's he going to do, insult the Scottish? His line about a President was quite good.
Adam came out touching his crotch! 'Do you fuck on the first date?' LOL. She liked that better than Conor not talking. I'd probably laugh if someone said that on a first date. Just push the table over or something. Easy. I think I like Adam when he's a bit pervy sometimes, at least it shows a naughty side to him.
Love Luke A winning the 'lads night in' and Luke S cheering before being not invited.
Deana's 'real recognises real people' mantra isn't that catchy, is it? 
Why didn't they show that scene of Scott saying that about Indian culture? I find that EXTREMELY fishy.  They should repeat it over the loudspeaker. The only reason I think we didn't see this scene is because it was worse than we've been told, or more innocuous than we've been told, and BB are either trying to save their skin or just pretend they're doing something. 
'Sarcasm' could be bullying; what about threats of rape and violence towards women?! Ouch, that sarcasm really hurts. Ouch. Out of character.... lolz.
My boyfriend just said, 'It's like Diary Room martyrs this week.' Here's how we can decide between the good and bad people in the house; the ones who have been called into the DR for being racist and the ones who haven't.
I'm glad Adam and Luke got that treat; they deserve a break. I was just going to say I think they'll be friends for life outside the house but then Adam said something about Luke's nuts (or lack of). Was that offensive or not?! I rewound it three times and couldn't tell. It's like a political minefield tonight! Richard Littejohn wouldn't know whether he was Arthur or Martha. We ARE all going to hell in a handcart.
Why does no one know what 'tactile' means on this show?! Poor Adam; he's setting himself up for a fall.
Uh oh, now Luke's getting involved. Lauren: 'this always happens to me.' How awful, having men falling at your feet. She does encourage him a bit, but I don't even want to say that because I can't bear the 'prick tease' talk, it makes me fucking sick. I think she just likes the attention, and you know, she's young and I don't think she's entirely got her game together yet. Adam should know better. She's cute; of course he's going to fall for her.
Caroline: 'sometimes I think I've definitely ruined my life.' You have.
Oh dear, is it the 'it's not you, it's me' talk. Lauren, you're not 'one of the lads'. You do send mixed messages, but I don't think she 'led him on'. That was a little bit sad. But it doesn't make Lauren a bad person. But it might give Adam a helping sympathy vote next week. And I want Adam to win right now.

Big Brother 13: Says she in that frock

I saw a friend tonight and said, 'Are you watching Big Brother?' and she said, 'No, I'm not enjoying it and it's boring.' Can't really argue with that sort of common sense.
One mark for the clip of Scott going 'boo woo' again; we can't stop saying it in this house, it's almost as if that has become the correct impression.
No marks for the rest of the entire show. Why does Luke A care that a bunch of cretins don't like him? Isolated? You've got three friends in the house, it's not that bad. I think Luke A is having a 'boo woo' day. He's going to boo woo his way out of the competition if he's not careful.
Is Luke A wearing Arron's onesie, or is that just a communal house onesie? Does it get issued with the rulebook?
The fact Luke A thinks Luke S was 'cool' is quite telling. Luke A is as cool as a pair of microwave slippers.
They don't show much of Scott, really do they?
I'm glad Sara is sticking up for Deana. Adam is being really silly. It's obvious that they are going to pick off Adam next. She was saying 'you're part of her crowd'. It was a compliment. You ARE NEXT, you dick. Now fix up, because you're shooting yourself in the foot bad. It doesn't put you in a 'terrible position'. You were on the precipice anyway, dickwad.
Why is Luke 'sucking ass' of the darkside after just declaring he wouldn't? It's a bit late to campaign now, we vote, not them. He's keen to stay, isn't he? Perhaps he should have stopped skulking in the smoking corner.
Adam has never liked Deana from day one. The outsiders used Deana to make up the numbers. I'm glad she's not up this week.
Caroline does look fat, actually. Fat, ugly and horrible, what a winning combination.
They're actually letting Becky do the shopping list? Conor: 'I hope they fuck it up.' Yeah, don't let a girl do it, whatever you do, they're bound to fail. Conor, don't threaten to throw chicken nuggets over the wall. What did they ever do to you? About as much as Deana did. Probably less.
Oh God, Luke A is trying to mend fences with Becky now. He's starting to look a bit desperate. You're on the ropes. Don't suck up to the people. They've put you there.
WHAT!? How come Caroline is getting told off for bullying? What about CONOR? What's that as a result of?! Bad edit. I can't tell what's going on. Don't get me wrong, Caroline getting called in by the Tell-off man is no bad thing. I only wish it was the Tell-off man off Breaking Bad and he was armed and dangerous.
It IS difficult to undo that horrendous personality, isn't it, Caroline? She should have heeded Benedict's words; she's a nasty spiteful little girl. Conor tells her to just keep doing what she's doing. So he can win.
What did Becky order, 300 cans of Spam? Oh no, 12 billion bars of chocolate.
Why are Caroline and Lauren making up now? I don't buy it for a minute! Ironic Lauren is sucking on a spoon when that's their nickname for her. You lied to me, you lied to a spoon.
What's 'instercourse?' Is it when someone has sex with Becky in sepia tones?
I know something that will make Ashleigh's doubts about Luke A 'resurface'. Luke S: 'Lauren walks like an elephant.' Charming. Why is Ashleigh obsessed with Lauren? Is it because Lauren is smart, pretty and normal? Yes. Luke S doesn't even fancy Lauren! He was just trying to get with any 'bird' and you're the lucky chicken, Ashleigh! Squawk.
Ashleigh is putting all the paranoia she feels about Luke into Lauren. 'They know about farms.' What!? 'I feel thick.' You are thick. You're an embarrassment. I'd hate so much to feel like that. Can you imagine being that stupid? It would be frightening. It would be terrifying trying to understand the world when you have no emotional intelligence or otherwise. How could her parents have let it happen? Why is she always going on about how thick she is? Read a fucking book. Why is she obsessed with learning how to cook? Just get a bloody takeaway.
Luke A is trying to show his 'fun side'. Bit late! I don't mean to pick on him, but he's being so transparent.
Caroline is having a Fair Isle meltdown in the DR. Will someone give her a fucking hairbrush? WHY did she get in so much trouble? Did she threaten to rape someone? Did she do another racist attack? It would be nice to be told. More importantly; why has no one nominated this disgusting creature yet? Give it a tissue and tell it to fuck off. BOO WOO.

Big Brother 13: Pasta la vista

Do you remember when Bea (destroyer of Freddie) said pointedly; 'Are we going to have a positive or negative day today?' Well, we don't need to ask that anymore. We've got a houseful of sour-faced Bea's. In fact Caroline makes Bea look like Helen 'I like blinking I do.' I'd rather live in Albert Square than the Big Brother house right now.
Scott, Sara and Becky have gone firmly back to the darkside. And the thing is, they've been bullied into going to the darkside. But they've done it with glee so fuck 'em.
Is there anything funnier than Caroline saying she's 'surrounded by bitchy people'? This is the most horrible Big Brother I've ever seen, poisoned from inside out, no laughs, no one to champion. The producers have let the bullies run riot and I'm certain the viewing figures must be plummeting.
Watching them stuff their fat faces isn't exactly appealing either. Becky moaning because someone can't stuff their face as easily as she can; cos they've not had as much practice as you, you fat fuck.
Face to face nominations were guaranteed to keep Conor in because who would dare nominate the thick thug to his face? Why are they STILL protecting him?
Fool's gold. Another nomination twist in the wrong week. Another nail in coffin of righteousness.
Even the way they did face to face nominations was stupid and lacked tension. Conor shouldn't even be in that house. Conor's reason for nominating Lauren was tragic; BB sees everything so who cares if she told on you! If they'd shown Luke's little Batchelor chat on the big screen he would have been up this week - well, if he wasn't immune. 
Ashleigh just mentioned Catherine. Who the fuck is Catherine? Here's some reasons people nominated Deana; you put a chicken in the oven, you told us to wait five seconds. WTF? These people are loopy.
I hated that; just horrible. If Adam had nominated Caroline instead of Ashleigh, Caroline would have been up and we could have got rid of that cunt at last. That's the problem with 'the outsiders', they have never been able to organise their voting correctly, even when Lydia was in there. Even now you can't talk about nominations, you can easily heavily slag off two housemates and get your point across, it's quite simple.
I actually want to punch Becky in the face. I don't care how much her breast weighs. I just want to see her bundled into the river like Nanna Birk Larsen and then for Sarah Lund to go on an extended holiday.
Luke A is right to feel defeated. He's been victimised since day one. I don't think he needs to worry about being booed; not unless they've got the Conor rent-a-crowd there. I must admit, I want Luke A to stay. I think it means more to him. Although Lauren staying will be one in the eye for the girls.
WHY is Caroline ruling that house? WHY do people like Caroline so much? She's fucking evil. She's ugly through and through. She's a plate-faced, poisonous piece of shit. She needs wiping off the planet for the sake of humanity. I don't throw around personal insults and wish such things on people easily, but she really is the lowest of the low.
Deana is right; they should have voted smarter. I think Luke's beef is that he really wants to win, and his chances are slim now, because his group is fucked each week. That was really nice of Big Brother to point out what Deana said: the truth.
Lauren AGAIN attacking someone on HER OWN SIDE. Fucking thicko! God, Adam or Deana HAVE to win this. I don't think BB will make much money on the phonelines this week, let's put it that way. It's like voting to get a toe or finger chopped off.
I don't know what Adam's upset about: Deana's RIGHT, it WILL be her and Adam next week. The other side didn't need telling that; that was the plan anyway. BB HAS to put them all up next week; they have to. Remember the joy every time Freddie stayed? Remember that happy feeling? We've not had a chance to feel that once this series. Big Brother hasn't just jumped the shark; it's fucked it.

Big Brother 13: Docey no

I'm going to struggle with this one tonight so I'll just keep it short. Buffalos. Conor and Caroline - I'm glad they let them show that on the big screen so Becky could see Conor stabbing her in the back. She's still to stupid to take offense though.
Oops I missed the task (shame) as I'm having an ebay dispute with some dickhead who sold me a faulty phone and then went 'oh yeah, it's not in working order but I bought it from Asda so go in there and sort it out.' WTF! That's not how ebay works; it doesn't involve a trip to frigging Adsa. Give me my fucking money back.
Having said that, it looks like this has been one of the worst episodes of all time, so never mind. I forwarded through the hoedown because anything that involves them having fun makes me feel physically sick, such is my hatred for them all.
Nothing has happened in this episode. Not one conversation. Not one thing of interest. Conor is getting his usual hero edit. That's about it. I listened to a bit of Benedict's podcast last night which was quite pompous and embarrassing, but he did call Ashleigh 'a fucking bitch who's thick as pigshit' so that was one highlight. And that's one thing you don't get from Big Brother; the truth in any way shape or form. Every misdemeanor goes unpunished or covered up and good housemates are put up as like sacrificial lambs. And they think we're so stupid we can't see it.
Why has Deana not walked? I'd have broken someone's nose by now.
There's just not a good feeling about BB anymore. My boyfriend's stopped watching it. There's nothing to look forward to or enjoy because no one is getting their comeuppance. There's no happy ending.
Haha, Luke could come unstuck here confiding in Conor about Batchelor-gate. He's bound to tell someone - bet it's Caroline. Ha, followed by Luke going 'Lauren's a two faced fucking bitch.' and Conor going 'she's a spoilt little brat.' Has he met Caroline? The hypocrisy is so rich!
'She's stirring the broth.' says Becky, stirring the broth. Caroline: 'you're a boy so you're allowed to say rude things.' They obviously don't teach feminism at private school. Or manners.
The DR staff must really feel their hearts sink when Ashleigh goes in there. Did Ashleigh just call someone 'thick'? Ashleigh could be outsmarted by those fruit flies they've just taught how to count.
I think Luke A is quite perceptive that the crowd isn't on the dickhead crew's side. They trouble is, there's so many of them, the odds are highly in their favour.
I don't understand cornflake gate. I don't understand much anymore. I need to go bed.

Big Brother 13: Fingers crossed she goes before me

Hi rapidly depleting BB fans, sorry I didn't blog last night, I was knackered. I think I actually enjoyed the show more not blogging it because I wasn't forced to comment on every non-story. But from the looks of things tonight's going to be a good one. Side note: just watched the first BB14 USA and it is FUCKING AMAZING. I'm gonna blog it later, and there will be profuse enthusiasm. Please read it even if you don't watch it cos I'm going to CONVINCE you to watch it.
Anyway; onto our shower of shitbags. I think Conor's going to have another 'out of character' outburst tonight. How many times do you have to verbally abuse someone before it becomes part of your character? I'd say two strikes and you're out. Conor's on about 20.  I hate Conor the most when he wears that stupid vest. He played Scott and Becky a good 'un last night. They're thick as fuckery if they fall for his BS.
Conor discussing nominations AGAIN. Yet he goes off on Deana when he's said a zillion times worse.
My boyfriend just pointed out if you told Caroline her mum died she'd giggle. She's such a pathetic specimen - if I'd given birth to it, I'd try and invent a time machine to undo that evil.
Deana and Conor should be put up as a punishment; a good, clean head to head. Then we'll sort the men from the ladies.
OMG, Conor is SO aggressive! Look at him slamming around. How can he still be in there? His fuse is so short he rightly should have blown up by now. Go fuck yourself, you stupid thick cunt. I'm sick of hearing his voice, seeing his face, his stupid hair, his stupid clothes, his aggressive manner. WHY DOES Conor hate Deana so much? Is he racist? What HAS SHE DONE?! I don't think we'll ever know.
Becky is rich calling Lauren 'wooden spoon' - she's the biggest shit-stirrer in the house. She's a floater and a mega gossip.
Deana is SO PATIENT with Conor. Conor: 'I have never had an argument in this house at all.' He can't control himself around Deana. It's not that Conor doesn't trust Deana, it's just that he can't trust HIMSELF around Deana.I'm certain he's going to flatten her at some point. Who is VOTING FOR THIS PRICK? Argh, I literally can't STAND IT. I can't cope with it. On the grounds of humanity!
LOL to the Morrissons value suntan lotion; I hope Conor gets skin cancer, do the world a favour.
I hate Becky so much again tonight. To think I actually VOTED to save that dumb cunt. Yes, I've called two people cunts tonight. Equal ops. The only thing wooden in that house is Ashleigh. And Sara.
I saw a glimpse of this secret task on BOTS and it looks like it's going to be amazing. They've stitched Luke S up BAD. How could Luke fall for this? Surely he's not that thick. Love the devil horns. IS he this thick? Or is he a good actor? It's like what they did with Anton, telling him his rubbish single was at number 1.
I don't know if Luke S could be that stupid/callous to sell Ashleigh down the river like that and not expect them to show it on the big screen. Unless he knows they'll show it and he wants out. Or is he so vain he's lost all sense of reality? Either way; this could be the end of his game. And as much as I think he's a pompous twat (that lips tattoo says it all) he doesn't deserve this shafting as much as say, Conor or Caroline.
Luke has to showcase his sense of humour... that will take some serious acting.
Eww, Deana's either got sweaty knees or the grass is wet. Let's go for sweaty knees.
Luke is so arrog-cunt. I hope they show him disowning Ashleigh on the big screen. He absolutely deserves it.
Luke: 'I came in here and thought I'd get with a bird, but she irritates me and it might not last on the outside.' What a TOOL. How does he think that makes him look to the outside? What an utter knob-cheese. I liked that fake agent guy's little shrug at the end.
Any man who EVER refers to a woman as a BIRD should be treated as sub-human, as they're treating us as sub-human.
Please, please, please, please show it. Please show it. Please, please, please, please show it. He's twitching! Luke S's frozen smile is fab. Talk about shitting himself. They're going to sit on that footage and bring it out at an opportune time to destroy his game. Love the fact he mentioned the Katie and Peter show to Ash but not The Bachelor. I think you call that economical with the truth. He's got a dirty little secret now. Can't believe he really bought that - and he knows he's fucked his chances of winning. Luke S: 'what if I look fat?' No, what if they show that video. They're really brought him down a peg or two. Why are him and Ashleigh colour-co-ordinating? You can't co-ordinate your way to love.
The only justification for not showing that video is to spare Ashleigh's feelings. Otherwise it's totally justified. And really Ashleigh would be better off knowing sooner rather than later as she's being made to look an idiot. Don't get me wrong; I'm enjoying Luke's shame; but others deserve it more. I want to see Conor get fucked over. Luke should be thanking his lucky stars they didn't show that video; if I was in there I'd be in the DR pleading for them not to.
Luke should know pride comes before a fool. 'The end conversation might be taken out of context.' What context can you put that in?! You said you'd dump your 'girlfriend' for money because is sounded fun! Deana was right about that relationship. 'I'm not thinking of myself, I'm thinking of Ashleigh'; don't make me FUCKING LAUGH. What a scumbag. 'People can think what they think.' Yes, because of words that came out of your arrogant, vain gob. What BB did was cruel, but all they really did was give him enough rope to hang himself.  Now suck it up, doucepants. Suck it UP.

Big Brother 13: Shev-gone

Yay, my last session at the conference finished at 8.45 so I'm in time for the eviction. Do you know what's funny? When someone asks you if you're coming to the bar and you go 'no, I'm going back to my room to blog Big Brother' and they go 'is that still on?' and look at you like you're brain-damaged. Well guess what? I AM brain damaged. I'm drinking a warm Diet Pepsi and watching someone I don't like get chucked out of a house in a lonely hotel room. And I'd rather do that than go to a bar. Because I'm a social disaster zone and I've talked to people all day and I just want to talk to myself now. I've realised lately just exactly how much I love blogging and TV and just hanging round the house with my boyfriend and my cats (not available in this room today). They might not be the healthiest of hobbies, but they make me happy. So I'm not going to apologise for it. I'm going to just do it and say no to the social things I don't want to do, except for the 1% I do want to do. Everyone hates me anyway, and rightly so, I'm a ridiculous human. Anyway.
Sara in the DR was quite sweet. I can see her going quite far and I'm quite sure she'll be there on the final night. Maybe she's not boring and she got an unfair edit. Either way; she's nowhere near as bad as I thought she was but I reserve the right to back track on this.
Yes Shev, we do need to see your journey end; tonight. No, of course I really want Conor to go: but he won't. Mind you, Shev has taken her 'personality' and made it so unbearable she's 95% unwatchable, so I wouldn't be sorry to see her go. But I would be sorry that Conor has fans.
They can't really be dropping rocks on Ashleigh's head, can they? Mind you, it would make no difference to her midget brain. Tiny midget brain! Does not compute.
Them not passing the task was a bit harsh but we've not seen them on a limited budget yet, have we? That should cause a bit of deserved misery.
It won't let me turn this TV up! I like my TV twice as loud as this; clowns.
Conor's mum: 'there's not a bad bone in Conor's body.' Well, he can't keep a civil tongue in his mouth and you've clearly not taught him any respect for women. He's also rotten inside. Apart from that, yeah, he's fab. Great hairdo.
Luke A's in a bit of a grump. I don't know if you have a right to moan at people for waking you up when you're sleeping in the daytime. Night time is a different story. But you have to remember; he's taking hormones to change sex. This has an affect on your mood - dur.
Ashleigh is an appalling judge of character. If she had a clue, she wouldn't be able to spell it.
Lauren likes Conor 'lots'. Oh dear. I can't work out which side is which any more. I preferred it when the battle lines were clearer.
Shev: 'can you imagine the house without Conor?' I'm trying to, but it seems like a pipe dream.
Adam's 'almost erect' - ugh. TMI. Adam shouldn't rub it into Luke A about erect penises. Lauren is predictably being called 'a prick tease'; I say pricks should control themselves.
Shev wants some Mr Kipling angel slices. I was considering those in Tescos the other day but went for some Galaxy Counters instead.
LOL my friend is phoning me at the exact moment of the EVICTION. Mental. Don't you even know me? This is my friend who's having a gathering tomorrow night on the exact weekend I'm in the arse end of nowhere. And that's one of the 1% of things I would have gone to. BOO WOO.
Shev looks cute, I like her 'little girl at a tea party' look. Look at Conor's silly earring. It's hard to blog this live feed cos I can only watch that part on my netbook which I'm blogging on. I need two screens. So I'll keep it sweet and keep it brief. Does Lauren ever talk about anything but cigarettes? I'm glad to see Ashleigh dented, and her side dented. She's wreaked enough havoc whilst offering nothing. I'm surprised they let them out when the crowd is cheering outside. Shev is rocking backwards and forwards like a mental patient. Ashleigh is actually being quite reassuring.
It's hard seeing Conor being quite smug after his annihilation last week. 'Keep on putting me up, fuckers, cos I aint going nowhere.' Ugh. They might not even put him up this week, which would be criminal. Conor vs Deana next week would be interesting... and educational because I think the passion from both sides runs high.
And we're back. Conor in the DR: 'I never thought I could be this popular.' WTF! This so wrong. He's popular like herpes. How come the boos were mute for Arron last week but are loud and clear for Shev? Oh, I forgot; she's a woman. Why is she getting booed THAT much? I mean, I can't stand her, but she wasn't evil, just irritating. I actually feel a bit sorry for her.
But then I saw that clip where she went off and Deana and overreacted about the 'will you marry me' thing and I felt less sorry for her. What is her real personality anyway?! Glad Brian stood up for Adam a bit and called her out on picking him to watch on the video clips.
I don't think Beyonce coined the term 'me, myself and I'. Shev was funny 1% of the time. But the rest? Keep it mute indeed. I have to get up at 7.30am for breakfast and work until 9.30pm tomorrow. I'll be quite un-cute tomorrow night, but I'll do my best to blog. How can we turn this BB around, people? We need a witch doctor. Or a miracle.

Big Brother 13: See how your rules spoil the game

Want some entertainment? Listen to Harry from last years Big Brother talk shit in the freezer, sneaking mobile phones into BB and 500 bananas etc on the Big Brother gossip podcast. I think I enjoyed it more than the Benedict interview even. Very, very funny, cool and insightful. When you're pining for the antics of Jay McCray, you know you're in the (frozen) shit. Harry basically said that men in boiler suits had to come and decontaminate the fridge and they were all told to shut their mouths about it! They thought it was the biggest storyline ever and we didn't even get to see it. WTF. That is NOT how you make an entertaining TV show.
Meanwhile, back in the real world we're having to deal with this old poop, still. Bossiest housemates would include Shev and Caroline. Adam as a warden: 'this is why cops are out of control.' Power goes to people's heads, as anyone who remembers Dustin from BBUSA could confirm.
I don't think I'd ever seen Lauren's body before; it looks good, why does she always cover up in hoodies? 'You're not my friend anymore,' reminds me of that Emmy the Great song. Shall I include some relevant references in my blog? Nah! Why change the habit of a lifetime?
Everyone looks a bit over-tanned today, like stewed tea. Caroline, task overreaction much? She's not even got her hand in. This is how men feel sticking their hand down their knickers. Can you imagine what she's like when she gets cum in her hair? Look at Luke, so calm in the face of it all. How can he not be pissing himself? Don't ask, don't tell. She was the perfect person for that task. The more I see her suffer, the better.
I'm surprised Ashleigh's not stirring the pot about Lauren walking round in her undies. Lauren's having one of her moments. LOL at the juxtaposition of almost seeing Lauren's boobs spliced with Conor having a good root up his nose. Oh well, you can't win 'em all. I don't even know what she's upset about. Is it something to do with smoking? It normally is.
They should make housemates 'stand up and not complain' in the middle of the night. Saying 'this absolutely sucks' is complaining. This task is OK because it's pissing the housemates off.
Luke S would make a great security guard. He'd also have gone down well at Auschwitz. He just loves following orders. Stop talking like the unfunniest guy on Facejacker. Give someone a megaphone and they always become a cock; remember that religious dude who used to condemn us all to Hell outside Topshop at Oxford Circus before they gave him an ASBO? He looked a bit like Ian Beale.
Shev should become a puppeteer with those hands. I liked her using up her last bit of hand energy in the DR. Just tie your hands together. Put them in your pockets. Adam, you meanie! I'd throw that orange at him.
Conor's body's not bad; he must have been queuing for that when the brains and manners were being handed out. He actually seemed quite good at that task for the most part and was mildly amusing. I HATE YOU BIG BROTHER. DON'T MAKE ME AMUSED BY CONOR. Oh it's OK, give him 5 minutes and he'll be back on the twat-track. That megaphone thing certainly wouldn't be annoying if you were in there and trying to sleep, would it?
Now, I'm off to a three day conference in the middle of nowhere tomorrow (I know, I love working the weekend!) but I'll try and be a bit of a rapscallion and blog BB if I can get on the net; I managed it in January so it's 50/50. The main thing I'm gutted about is BBUSA starts tonight and I'm not going to get to watch that until Sunday! How rubbish is that?!  
Conor got a reasonable edit tonight so it's pretty obvious they want him to stay; if they got the exterminators in to save Jay McCray's arse, then they'll happily sacrifice Shev and her flappy arms to save this Irish charm-void. I don't think we could stop it now if we tried. We can merely sit back, watch, and despair. See you tomorrow, chocolate teapot-willing. Goodnight.

Big Brother 13: Shev off

Oh God, I need some sort of Shev muffler. I can't cope with it. She's dig-dig-digging her own grave, and it's a shame, cos I want Conor to go, but even I want to vote for this bitch now. I'm not voting this week though. I mean it this week!
How does Deana keep her cool? Some people are just born mellow I think, or maybe she's just been brought up right.
Good, I'm glad Sara's having a go at Shev now, too. Shev is so patronising. She's always saying people are attacking her; transference! LOL to Luke A just exiting stage left, who can blame him?
'You need to take the level of your voice down': that's fucking rich! I remember her saying a similar thing to Lydia. You're not up for eviction because of Deana; you're up because you're more irritating than Leo Sayer.
Houmous/hummus (I don't know how to spell it, it's gross) doesn't even smell of anything, and it tastes rank.
Deana was talking sense in the DR. She invokes sympathy because people treat her like crap; she can't win either way in the house, but at least she's got the public behind her.
I don't know how you straighten afro hair because I've only got wavy hair and I can't get it straight with GHDs. I think I'm just doing it wrong. Mind you, my hair is bleached so it snaps off when I go at it. Either way; this is filler.
That's weird that Luke A has become more immune to emotion since becoming a man. I'm not sure I'd like to become immune to emotion, but maybe it would be handy sometimes when I'm crying in my car listening to Morrissey.
General knowledge quiz. Come on, Ashleigh. They are doing quite well. Ashleigh thinks the Queen has a Doberman. That's just Prince Phillip. Don't slag off the Royal Family in front of Sara, she'll bitchslap you.
LOL to Conor's 'banter' t-shirt. Should that say 'wanker'? Shocked he got that question right; thought he was thick as pig-shit. I didn't know it.
Conor is shaving the top of his legs. Even I don't shave the top of my legs. Is he using Deana's epilator? It should be in a doggie bag with the police.
I'm finding this episode soooooo boring. Ashleigh complaining she's ugly. Becky doing a Ricky Gervais dance. Can we have a new housemate, please? Can we have an old housemates, please? Can we have a BBUSA?
Why has Ashleigh got her hand up Luke's trousers in front of Scott? If I was in there I'd get a spray tan just cos I'd be bored even though I'm an English rose. What do Adam and Shev get instead? They should get some other beauty treatment. Equal ops.
Adam and Lauren can't pine for Deana that much; they've never really liked her anyway. She's always been an adjunct to their group.
If I was forced to listen to that music in there I'd cry. I know how out of touch I am with modern pop from Song Pop. I don't know my Flo rida from my LMFAO. But neither do I know my metal from my disco. Pick indie rock or 90s alternative and your arse is mine, though.
Are they trying to show Conor's sensitive side tonight? Spare me, please. 21 is too young to get married.
Ashleigh, I don't think you can call yours and Luke's tawdry liasons 'love-making'. It's not even rutting.
I don't care about these people, therefore I don't care about the bitching, neither do I care about the rights or wrongs of any given situation. This makes my blog a bit stymied. I'm not a bad workman blaming my tools; it's just a factoid.
I think Deana is just feeling paranoid about Lauren. I also think Adam is going to tell Lauren this conversation.
When Jamie East et al say this is the best Big Brother ever, I think of Rex, Nikki, Ashleeeeeen, Victor, Marcus and even Brian bloody Belo and laugh. I even pine for Samanda, Helen and Paul, Craig Coates, Maxwell, Science, Derek, even fucking Charley. These people were characters. These people had storylines, story arcs, they weren't just 'he said, she said.' I miss Kinga, Pete, even fucking Ziggy. I miss HORSE FACE GRACE. This year has been the worst year ever, by a mile. There's no arguing with it. And the casting is to blame. I mean, why did anyone put Sara in there? Why?
I don't even know who Deana and Shev are talking about. Setting a gossip trap is hardly worth doing. I read that Paris Hilton makes shit up to tell her friends and then if it gets in the press she drops that friend. Imagine having to live that that. Not so hot, is it?

Big Brother 13: The worst thing is complete weirdos are staying in

I feel like I'm being tortured by Big Brother and I'm not even on the blue team.
Nommies by greens only. Bring it on (although I know the result, of course). Deana shouldn't even have to nominate Conor for being aggressive; he should have been thrown out on his ear long ago.
Not surprised by Luke S's nominations. Is he allowed to nominate his own side? 'Adam can take his opinions elsewhere'. Where, exactly? He's locked in a house with you.
Scott: 'it's annoying having a trumpet over you every time you speak.' Tell that to Martin Fowler. He's right; Luke S doesn't have a sense of humour. He's missing that chip. Along with an empathy chip. And a brain.
LOL to Conor saying he wants Caroline to win. Talk about backing a donkey.
I love seeing Conor, Caroline and Shev getting a taste of their own medicine. Deana took being up for nomination in a classy manner; they are acting like they're in a lemon-sucking competition.
Becky called Conor 'intimidating.' Is it OK to have someone aggressive and intimidating in the house? Apparently it is. Becky's right; he should have learnt his lesson. He had a chance to turn things around. But he's incapable because he's a horrible person - rotten on the inside and out.
Oh my, why does Scott keep trusting those people to do his hair? Scott's dyed his hair Eminem blonde. Do you think he used Live colour? Why are Luke A and Sara being so shirty with each other?
Have you ever seen anyone so excited to have a cupboard full of Morrissons own brand food?
Scott: 'many a mickle makes a muckle.' Shev: 'never a truer word spoken.' Eh?
Shev looks like hell today. She's going to go on the warpath because she's been nommed now.
Conor: 'the worst thing is complete weirdos are staying in.' Yeah, that's been the worst thing since day one. Now the tide is finally turning. Conor: it's your own fault. And you're STILL discussing nominations. Angrily. Rotten man. He's worse than Hitler. *hyperbole*
Now Caroline's gunning for Luke A? WTF? She's got so many targets I doubt she even knows what side she's on.
LOL to Conor getting in trubs again. What an ignorant pig. Why is Shev going so mad at Deana? Deana's been up three times! Shev: 'there's not a problem.' REALLY? Why have you got such a stick up your arse then? She could end up leaving this week her trap is so out of control. Yeah, Deana, why couldn't you have left this week instead of Arron and kept Shev happy? Selfish bitch.
I feel sorry for Deana trying to talk sense to that idiot. You might as well try and teach French to a Boglin.
Look at the way Conor is talking to Deana! It's disgusting! He's so aggressive! That's not OK AT ALL.
I think you'll find the expression is 'you need to check yourself BEFORE you wreck yourself.', Shev. Look at Deana coming at Shev like a bull out of the china shop. Look at Deana getting angry and aerated. Control yourself, Deana! Shev is being so calm and dignified in comparison.
The show is over? Yes, for you, Shev. Every word is digging your own grave. I wouldn't save either Shev or Conor from a burning house and I mean that wholeheartedly. They are worthless human beings.
'You're a flip-flopper.' You're a knob-jockey. 'Stop looking for emotional comfort.' Yes, that's an awful thing to do. Shev is shit-stirring witch. I'm not surprised she's exhausted, she's been yapping so long she's worn herself out. Well done, you made Deana cry for no reason.
OMG I can't hear Shev's voice anymore. Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap. STFU. Don't you get that Deana is popular with the public and it might be a good idea to give her a break? WEAK gameplay.
Deana deserves to win this after all she's put up with. And I deserve a fucking medal for blogging this misery fest. It's worse than Eastenders. I feel miserable as sin today anyway. That didn't help.

Big Brother 13: You put my family in your mouth

Alright! Can we finally put this turf wars shit to bed right now? It's boring as fuck.
LOL to Marcus's 'Shev is still banging on about what Adam said.' What is it with people and their birthday? It doesn't mean everyone has to kiss your feet all day. On my birthday I normally get a manky cake (if I'm lucky) some socks off my mum, and then stay in and drink. I don't expect a telegram from the Queen. Adam's got more class in his finger than Shev in her whole flappy hand.
Shev: 'I'd be on Hollyoaks or Eastenders if I could cry on cue.' Adam: 'I don't know what any of that means.' Ha! Culture clash.
Adam can say what the fuck he likes in the DR so shut your fucking trap, Shev, you absolute turkey. Shev: it's not your birthday anymore. I'm glad you had a shit birthday. I hope you have a shit life, too, because you're shallow and boring and I'm tired of hearing your voice. I thought Adam handled himself just right, to be honest. It's not his fault BB showed them that, or that they picked his clips to watch. They all slag each other off in the DR, that's what it's for.
What is Adam eating out of that tin? Don't throw stuff about Adam, it's beneath you. But hey, at least we know BB thinks that's entirely acceptable so he won't be punished. I really think they've pushed Adam to it anyway; and if that makes me a hypocrite, then I'm a hypocrite. I'm glad he's showing some emotion.
Why is Caroline blowing smoke up Adam's arse? Fake, fake, fake.Sarah seems much more on 'our' side, lately. But I'm still not entirely sure about her.
How thick is Conor outright talking about nominations and no one even stops him? I get D but who's B? Oh, Becky, dur.
Good on Luke A and Lauren for saying they'd throw the task. But some tasks are not that easy to throw. It was funny seeing him so pissed off in the DR. I like his 'it's really great'. I like him tonight.
Conor: haha! That fix - I mean, twist - was great. I can't wait to see the blue team go DOWN! Conor: 'I'm walking out them doors right now.' Good. He's worse that John James for his empty threats. He makes John James look like Pete Bennett.
Morrissons muesli: mmm, mmm. I don't care who's up out of Conor, Shev or Caroline. They're all a bunch of cunts. It's too much to hope that Ashleigh would go, too, because she's too inoffensive, even though her very existence is an affront to common sense. I think Luke S could really benefit from Ashleigh leaving the house; I think it could help him win it.
I like Lauren a lot more now she's come out fighting, too. They're standing up against the arseholes and it's to their credit.
Haha, the blue team's punishment was nothing compared to the green team's.
Conor's not doing an awful lot to redeem himself this week, is he? He's coming across like a fucking dick. Aggressive, surly, nasty, bitter, spoilt, unpleasant. At least Ashleigh's trying to make them join together. Conor's not fake, though. Shame his real self is such an odious oaf. Sulking in the DR like a little boy who didn't get his sweeties - boo woo.
LOL to Conor blaming Caroline for him being bitchy. I don't remember her being around when he made his hairbrush comment, but then we all know Caroline has never even heard of a hairbrush.
Redeem yourself this week, people. I'm guessing Conor will be up, so please, this time, do the right thing. He wants to go. We want him to go. Show him the door, open it, then sling him down the stairs.

Big Brother 13: I'm so mentally above this

Shev's real personality is really coming out now, isn't it? She's a first class cow. I'm glad she's having a shit birthday, because she's a dickhead. Shev: 'I'm too old, I'm so mentally above this.' She isn't mentally above Pingu. 100% unlikeable.
Nice product placement of the Live hair colour there. I thought they had to cover up labels on that show.
I think this breathalyser task is gross. There's no way I would take part in it, it's unhygienic and vile. The thought of getting someone's coffee backwash is utterly revolting. Having to breath the same air as Conor is virtually sexual assault.
Luke S is a tedious fake bore. I can't tell if Lauren is leading Adam on a little bit or if she does like him?
Shev is talking about herself IN THE THIRD PERSON. She did it twice! If you want to go and see your family, you know where the door is. Quoting Beyonce? Fucking hell, is this what it's come to?
Now they're plugging Morrissons bathroom cleaner! What about Jedward's Lidl trolley dash? Maybe that was the final straw.
Deconstruct the fort! Annihilate the castle. Ashleigh: 'what does that mean?'
Why are they humiliating Ashleigh tonight? Luke S's face was a picture. I think they might have to have that 'it's not you, it's me' talk soon.
I wasn't even moved by Shev's birthday message. She didn't even get a call from ASL, she just got two kids singing happy birthday tunelessly. Couldn't they have even videoed them?
What is that blue drink they're drinking in the secret room? Looks like antifreeze.
Not sure what was going on with Scott and Becky's argument there: bad editing. What's up with Scott; he's having a meltdown. BOO WOO.
It's a bit unfair letting the blue team watch these Diary Room moments. Especially all of Adams'! Adam was spot on with everything he said. I loved seeing Shev's indignant reaction. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUCKA.
If someone took Caroline to the DR and told her her whole family had died she's probably giggle like a little kid who'd just smelt a fart.
Shev: 'the viewers can see.' Yes, the viewers CAN see. Through you.
Why is Lauren sitting out with the witches who are all slagging off Adam? How did Adam guess that they watched that video? Luke A just told Adam what was said! I thought what happened in the secret room stayed in the secret room? Uh oh, could be punishment afoot.
Now they're advertising Gliss shampoo. Gliss shampoo is shit and costs about a quid.
Bit annoyed they stitched up Adam like that. Adam's my current favourite in the house. So he's clearly doomed. Or is he?

Big Brother 13: I can't control my feelings when I'm this fat

So now I've had time to think about the maddening result of last night, I think maybe it was the right result - because now we get to see Conor weak, vulnerable and generally shitting himself. My only concern is the idiot house will fall for his for 'poor little me' routine and decide to give him a week off the hook. But a week to stew on his fallen empire might be good viewing.
Nice to see Arron acting like an irredeemable little prick on his last day. No reedeeming features whatsoever. As for that whitewash on BOTS where he'd obviously been primed to act contrite and agree with everything Emma said; do they think we were born yesterday? As an aside, the way Emma handled BOTS yesterday was appalling. She is dying on here arse on the show. She is towing the partyline so hard and constantly apologising for the producers lack of morals. I'd love to know what she really thinks, but I have zero respect for her at now. Cut the stupid sketches and all the flim flam and let's have some fucking honestly.
Look at the way Arron talks to Becky compared to how he talks to Luke S. I am so glad he's left. It's just a shame he didn't take gubbins with him.
Luke's lost his protein shake! Boo woo, as Scott would say, ridiculously.
I don't like what Adam did to Arron particularly, but at the the same time, at least he's making a stand and coming down off that fence at last. What was that Adam threw over him? Arron is mad! He had the worst two days in the house ever. All these 'pranks' are so fucking TEDIOUS. Can someone talk about something INTERESTING?
Don't worry Arron about where you're going to sleep tonight; it's in a Travelodge.
Arron 'you're bullying me! I'm intimidated by you.' to Adam. BOO WOO. So true he can dish it out but can't take it. Intimidated, my arse.
Lauren thinks Arron is HILARIOUS. Caroline thinks Arron's BRILLIANT. I pity them if that's their idea of a decent person. As predicted Lauren switched to the knobend side of the house. She's just a weak, weak person.
Is Becky having a chocolate sandwich? Vom. Caroline, 'why can't I get a boyfriend?' Er... where do we start? You're hideous to look at, rotten inside, nasty, evil, cruel, unsympathetic, ungrateful, spoilt and extremely insecure. So good luck with that.
Not enough camera action on Arron and Conor's face when Deana and Becky were saved. It's not a 'fucking fix' Arron, you're just despised, more despised than a violent thug, so that's quite something.
The agressive reaction by Conor and Arron when he got evicted was disgraceful. When will they throw that disgusting pig out? What does he have to do - stab someone? I'd be frightened to live with him.
Deana's victory dance was brilliant - so deserved.
Conor crying up the corner is mega lols. Just fuck off home if you're so sad. Luke S's little pep talk was quite sweet, really.
It's disgusting Caroline saying Sara couldn't be happy when Deana was saved. Like she wouldn't be gloating if it was one of her team saved. Sara is being a bit of a whingebag about this, though.
Conor is so thick; still slagging off Deana when it's obviously the public love her. Wake up, idiot box. Conor still has no clue what he did to Deana, does he? He has all the self-awareness of a pair of slippers.
Caroline: 'Luke A is the bitchiest housemate hands down.' DELUDED. Caroline, being fat is not the thing you should be worried about. Buying a pair of GHDs and some intensive counselling might be a good start.
Rather too much emphasis on Caroline and Sara in the last quarter of an hour... we could really have done with seeing more of Conor digging his own grave and bawling. We've earnt it.

Big Brother 13: The two most realest guys

Here we go! I want to hear boos. I want to hear chants. I want the crowd to be issued with pitchforks. We'll probably be lucky to hear 'get Conor out', this country is so fucked. This is a country so in love with violence against women it's given Chris Brown a Number 1 album, two years after we wouldn't let the aggressive little prick into Heathrow. Conor will probably be given a medal and a stripper upon leaving. Brian Dowling needs to handle this interview very carefully IF Conor goes. It feels like a lot is riding on it.
As for Arron; his disgusting attitude saw me vote for Becky and Deana today. BB could EASILY have made it a double eviction tonight, and they are absolute arsewipes for not doing so.
Just looking at Arron and Conor makes me feel burning rage in my stomach. The crowd are chanting 'get Deana out': are you fucking kidding me?
Ah, they ARE showing the BOTS bit! Brilliant. Arron: 'what is a rapscallion?' Becky: 'it's a little shit.' Good on Deana giving it back to those cavemen. She takes it all in such good grace.
'Human tampon' - nice. Conor, you're not allowed to discuss nominations, you unutterable thug. Conor and Arron snickering is just so vile. ARGH, they're so cocky. Grotesque. I can't wait to see Arron without his sidekick. See Arron waiting for permission from his master to get get off the DR chair. Give that boy a bone.
Conor is getting quite a lot of cheers. Who is cheering for him?! Who? He must have a big family. I haven't heard him say one positive thing in an entire week. He just spits out bile and has a haircut like roadkill.
Keep Conor in for the 'laughter and jokes'! That comment makes me laugh. I'm ROTFLMAO.
Poor Deana crying. I don't blame her, I'm quite tough and I think I'd crack under that onslaught. FUCK YOU Adam for not standing up for Deana, then. Disgraceful. He's sat on that fence so long they've nailed a fucking 'for sale' sign to him. 
My boyfriend just said, 'Arron's gameplay is leaking out the side of his ears.' I don't know what this means, but I hope it's painful. LOL Deana made Arron 'feel uneasy'. The truth is he's just worried because she's crying and he knows that gets votes. Deana is on 'nononononononono' overdrive tonight. Enjoy that apology, did you, Deana?
They are BOOING DEANA'S MUM. Conor's girlfriend seems quite intelligent, considering. Brian needs to work on his 'interviewing friend's and family skills'.
Arron's sister: 'he's a loving, caring, compassionate young man.' Get him a job at the UN. Blood really is THICKER than water.
Looking forward to my MEASLY half an hour of live feed tonight! Seriously, how do we allow them to get away with it? We really are fucking mugs. They're not going to tell us who's evicted until the second show, are they?
Are they still doing this task? Christ, it's longer than the Bayeux Tapestry. I give about as much of a shit about it as I did at the beginning - zero.
Becky's thigh cam! I do like Becky 50% more than I did last week, but I still only like her about 2%.
If you're watching this on +1 and you've got the brain capacity of a four year old, please do not vote. But if you do dial futilely, do it to save Conor.
Arron's just jumped in the pool. Let's hope there's no lifeguard on duty and he intends to re-imagine Chuck Palahnuik's Guts.
LOL x a billion to Arron's 'fuck you BB' chest paint. He's invoking Morrissey in the November Spawned a Monster video. I hope it's one of Adam's prison tattoos and indelible. It's no Richey Manic's 4real, is it? It's not even 'did you say 500 bananas' is it? Are you allowed writing materials in the house these days? They've probably got a TV as well.
Arron, they're not 'characters' in the house: THEY'RE PEOPLE. Haha to him wiping it off like a naughty schoolboy.
They muffled out the crowd noise so you couldn't tell who was getting boos or cheers, I've never known them do that before.
That was BRILLIANT telling them Deana got the most votes. Absolutely heart-warming. I didn't know Sara liked Deana so much. Then Becky. The camera angles were shit, I wanted it to linger on Conor and Arron's faces. I'm sure we'll get that shot later. 
My boyfriend just referred to Conor as 'that hairbrush thing' and said 'this is the first just result this season'. He also made a good point that Luke S is lucky he's got his showmance in a way, as it's kept him out of a lot of the bitching. Conor already going 'I want to go' on the live feed. It's BRILLIANT making Conor and Arron sit on it for half an hour; absolutely magic and delicious justice.
This live feed is interminable so far; do they just sit there humming the whole time? Lauren's little cuddle with Arron when she heard Becky was safe was quite cute; it said a thousand words. Luke cuddling Deana was hilarious! They were lining up to hug her and kiss her arse.
I think Arron thinks it's a task and they're going into a bedsit/ crypt. Arron's going 'anything could happen!' Except you winning Big Brother, you great gala. Or you ever getting a girlfriend again. Both of them, 'I'm ready to go.' There's the door: fuck off.
Conor's pale face is a delight. It's like he's trying to figure out how to do a rubik cube after the nuclear war.
They should have evicted whoever it is in the green and blue outfits, I've seen people evicted many times in costume before.
Why DOES Conor have that hairdo(nt)? Why have they got a clock in there? Why, why, why, why? Conor's punching his hand rather than Deana. Do you think he said 'congrats' to Deana? DID HE FUCK. If I was her, I'd laugh in his face.
Conor: 'it's fucking hilarious.' Yeah, it is. Conor's getting angry now and a bit threaten-y. Lock up your daughters (and the hairbrush).
I'm not surprised Deana doesn't think it's real, she's been so victimised in that house. Caroline: 'you're SO loveable!' You're not, you transparent
I can't understand a WORD Conor says. Arron BLATANTLY thinks it's a task and they'll still be saved. Which makes it so much the sweeter. 'The two most realest guys.' I'll take the imaginary ones, then, please. LOL just looked on Twitter and people are sad about Conor and Arron and saying they're fun guys and it's a fix. Is there a BB playing in an alternative universe I don't know about? Or are people really that dense?
So did we learn anything from that live feed? Sara apparently likes Deana a lot (well, when she's saved from the public). I think that's about it. Why can't they give us that paltry half an hour each week? Please sir, can we have some more? *holds out bowl*
What song will they play when Conor comes out? I think a mash up of 'Smack my bitch up' and 'Rape me'. would be right up his alley.
So the eviction is not on until 11 but the live feed is only half an hour? What a joke. The Sexy Ads show. Thanks!
WHERE is the shot of Conor and Arron when Deana was saved? HOW many cameras do they have in that house?! Useless, fucking useless.
Good HAS overcome evil. But I do pine for Benedict and Lydia. This eviction is a win/win. I think Arron will get a big head if he stays. More so.
OMG Arron got evicted! See him kick that thing? He's got NO CLASS. Do you remember how Lydia went out last week? He could learn a lesson from that.
CONOR IS AGGRESSIVE! Chuck that cunt out NOW! 'Do your job, bro' (what's that, rape Deana?')
Arron is SUCH A MONUMENTAL PRICK but this is still the wrong result. Well done Chris Brown fans. They need to chuck Conor out via the back door IMMEDIATELY.
You can't tell if people are getting booed anymore! It's stupid. OK, I've changed my mind about the win/win.  Scum, scum, scum, the pair of them.
Arron's NOT BOTHERED. Why aren't people chanting like banchees through his interview like they were through Lydia's? Honestly, I can't wait to die. This planet is DOOMED.
Brian's not had a go at him AT ALL yet, despite that despicable behaviour before he left.
Conor is a health and safety issue; they need to remove him, he's going to go off. Someone needs to go to the DR and say they're scared of him; I'M scared of him!
OMG are they seriously having a highlights section of Arron and Conor's friendship? 'A real man's man.' Enough said! I thought they were going to do a stormy bit at the end showing the pair of them being the world's greatest bell-ends, AND THEY DIDN'T. Morality really has left the building. Channel 5 is a disaster.
I'm so done with Brian. He's completely inadequate. Laughing and joking with Arron; tragic and unforgivable. Get Jeremy Paxman in FFS.
I think the crowd were chanting 'fix' but it could have been 'thick'.
Conor crying at the end was a bittersweet moment. Ashleigh: 'you're 1 million percent not a bully.' And she 1 million percent didn't jerk off Luke S in that bed. Shouldn't Conor be happy he stayed? He's going to win this show, isn't he?

Big Brother 13: Smurf wars

Green and blue equals groo.
Shev sticking the knife in about Adam and Lauren. Poisonous troll. Let them dry hump. It's better than Puke and Ashleigh's wet hump. I do feel it's all going to end in tears for Adam. Sad face.
No use crying over drunk milk, Shev. Why isn't Becky crying and making a scene about being forced to wear that disgusting green onesie? She looks like that mound the Telletubbies live on.
Lauren: 'Shev's getting on my last nerve.' She's nicked that expression from Danielle on BBUSA (Season 3, I believe).
Control of the bathroom: like I could give a shit. Duck off. Sara ruined the task. I hope they're going to mentally torture her like they would if Deana had done that. But of course they won't. You didn't WIN, Conor. You LOST like the little Tim Henman scrotumclot you are. I'm glad Adam had a little dig at him. Come on Adam, get your claws out, show us what you're really made of.
Territorial pissings! I so want to see Caroline go soon. Will anyone ever nominate it?
They've got an outside toilet right? So I wouldn't be bothered about losing the bathroom. You can wash in the sink. I hate having showers anyway, they're an affront to humanity. Having water coming at you at that speed first thing in the morning is like being machine-gunned clean. Baths all the way, please.
I like the fact Sara is sitting on the allotted blue side of the DR chair. What a suck-ass she is. Kaftans?! WTF.
'Fuck off you knob, get a life. 'Who's Arron talking to, a mirror? Is he calling OTHER people moody? He's like the world's sulkiest teenager who's dad's just confiscated his Nintendo DS.
I actually feel sorry for these people, there's so little to them. If they had a braincell it would be lonely. If they had a heart it would be bargaining to be sold via Cash Converters to the Tin Man. Deana isn't getting much of an edit, is she? I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. All this 'save Deana' thing leaves me cold. Deana has been badly wronged in that house but it doesn't make her an interesting housemate. I don't find her in the least bit interesting. So, she had a go at someone earlier this week. Great; but it's not enough, really. I still DO think people should save her (what's the alternative?); but I won't be voting this week. If it was a vote to evict, I would have voted about ten times for Conor. I still think it's disgusting that Deana has no idea what Conor said about her. If I came out and heard that, I'd go and chuck a brick through his window.
Ha, this task looks more like it. Which housemate made this bitchy remark about you? Cue fireworks. ARE they going to play Deana Conor's quote? Go on! Lauren getting called out for 'complaining bitterly' about the lack of ketchup. Hilarious.
They played 'she has a split personality and she's fake' as Conor's quote about Deana. Missing a trick here, aren't we? Look how angry she was about it! Wait until she hears the truth. It's a fucking whitewash. Jokes.
Scott: 'I'm going to max up the bitchiness.' Sweet.
I'm glad Deana called Conor out. Look how smug he looks. I so want to wipe that look off his face. He's unintelligible and unintelligent. Please, please, please let me get what I want.
That green in the main bedroom is too much; snot green. I'd rather be on B Block.
Lauren seems to have issues with fags and food. My boyfriend is going mad about the way Caroline is eating those crisps. He gets really mad at me for eating crisps noisily too, but eating crisps is one of my greatest pleasures; I'm with Caroline on this one.
Why DOES Caroline like Conor so much? What does she see in him? What does he see in her? Why don't they get off with each other if they like each other so much? *covers mind's eye*
Don't say sorry for breaking the rules and getting your team a punishment, will you, Ashleigh, you dimlo? These people have never learnt basic English, let alone basic manners.
Luke: 'this is what hell must be like.' So is the smoking area still communal? This task isn't very hardcore. It's not exactly rich side/poor side is it? I remember Kate Lawler and Spencer Matthews canoodling through those bars. Well, looking at each other.
Lauren pointing out the age difference between her and Adam. A seven year age difference is nothing - grow up. What is Lauren eating? Looks like butter off a knife. I kind of want Lauren and Adam to get together; I like the meeting of the mean streets to Jersey, it would make a good film. Of course, they don't have black people in Jersey; and I'm not casting aspersions; my ex-boyfriend was from there so I'm virtually the tourist board.
I knew Lauren was going to go outside and bitch. Sigh. Get Conor out, etc! 

Big Brother 13: This is like some hospice situation

I found something really cool today, which was linked from Digital Spy, basically a radio interview with Benedict, and the radio show is an American BB fansite (mainly concentrating on BBUSA but also on BBUK). The interview with Benedict was about 1.30hr long and after that there was some interesting gossip about the upcoming BBUSA. The interview with Benedict was talking about all behind the scenes stuff and really in depth about the process, and his life, and was very interesting indeed. It was like how BOTS should be if it wasn't produced by absolute chimps. It made me pine for how BB could be; psychological, analytical, intelligent. BOTS at the moment makes the days when Dermot jumped from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy seem like the Today show. Let's not even remember the glorious Big Mouth days. I wonder if you can download the old Big Mouths? I'd pay to watch those again. Anyway, this podcast was intelligent discussion about reality tv! I'd forgotten it was possible because BB is so dumbed down. Here's the link to the podcasts if you want a listen, I highly recommend it if my word counts for anything. Also it's funny to hear Americans talking about our Big Brother... like why would they be interested in ours when they have the best reality TV show on the planet? I'm just imagining Ashleigh being interviewed for an hour and a half. No, can't do it. 'What's a microphone?'  
Becky, how can you be too fat to wear trousers? Trousers are essential wearing for fat people; they stop your thighs rubbing together. 'I don't want to burn any calories!' Why not?
If only this was a 'hospice situation', Shev - then we could look forward to you and your lobotomised chumps dying each week instead of yapping crap in the corner of my room. 
Also on that radio show they were saying about how in the US they've just unveiled the new house and they were going 'who gives a shit about the house?' It's so true that for so long the focus has been on the wrong thing in reality shows; tasks, engineered storylines, etc. Who cares what the couch is like; casting is everything, and that's the giant fuck up they've made this year. I like the fact they were taking it quite seriously on the podcast, as if it were current affairs or sport or something. That's what Big Brother needs, gravitas!
I'm not even watching this task. I hate the tasks on BBUK. Now on BBUSA it's a different story. They're more of a Hollywood production and the results affect whether the housemate stays or goes.
LOL to Katy Perry on that advert saying 'thank you for believing in my weirdness.' Weird people don't declare themselves weird, numbnuts. They just behave in a way that makes you avoid them for a few years until you see them walking down the street with a trolley full of shopping bags.
Has anything happened in this show tonight? Blue, green... whatevs. I hate them all equally. Well, not equally.
Ashleigh, your skin looks grey, you look like you need a vitamin tablet, not a fucking cigarette. What's up Shev's arse? I think I might hate her more than anyone in the house (bar Conor) because she actually pretends she's a nice person. Newsflash: she's a fucking cow.
I can't even get excited about a task where they rate their popularity/ looks etc. I've seen it so many times before.
Luke A ISN'T less attractive than Caroline. But he CAN be bitchy. Caroline actually OWNS a hairbrush? Her slagging off Adam for being thick; this dumb bitch went to private school and she didn't even learn basic manners!
How come Luke S and Ashleigh are still allowed to snog etc? There should be barbed wire between the rooms. It would be an effective contraception.
Why is Conor such a hateful person? How does he see himself I wonder? I bet he doesn't even know how utterly poisonous he is. 'Out of character' my arse. The way he was speaking to Caroline was vile. Arron's like a rogue green pea in the sludgy blue pot.
Don't leave Adam's group hug hanging. Oh, OK then. I love the fact that Adam finds the Big Brother house more abhorrent than gangs or prison. I can see why. LOL to Adam suddenly fancying Lauren. He's really got cabin fever. Do you think she'd go for it? And what would they say in Jersey?

Big Brother 13: He hasn't gone right inside

Day 28. Fucking hell, it feels like it's been about 300 years. Even Marcus Bentley sounds war-torn.
So I know there's four up: Deana, Becky, Arron and Conor. If ONLY it was vote to evict and a double eviction. Would be sooooo sweet. As it is, who knows what will happen? I don't think Deana will go: the rest are vulnerable, but I will be disappointed not to see Conor pick up a chair and make his exit.
How's this for a revelation: I don't really mind Scott's hair. Yay, Scott nominated Caveman Conor. Nominations are all over the place as expected. LOL to Big Brother basically stitching up Arron over boring statuegate.
Yes, Caroline, your hair has a lot of 'flair and character' *buys her intensive conditioner for Christmas*.
Ashleigh doing 'girl talk' about her and Luke's undercover action is gross. She's not a slut in any way, and anyone saying she is is a cretin, but bragging about it is juvenile and tragic. It's not a romance, it's a bit of gossip.
Conor's 'tactile means he's got tactics' is beneath even commenting on, because even I don't think he's that thick. Caroline's digging out Adam again. Watch your mouth, Worzel! Wouldn't want to accidentally do a hate crime, would you?
Is Caroline really nominating Lauren for being a stirrer? Hilarious. Caroline, your impression of Adam needs some work. Perhaps BB has got some boot polish they can give you? Seems like your sort of humour.
I thought Ashleigh was looking rough in the DR but I thought she'd just not done her make up again (meow!)
Ooh Becky nominated Conor! Interesting. Sounds like he's being even more of a douche than we're even seeing.
Watching Conor get told he'd been nominated was DELICIOUS. Warm feelings inside. 'I'm not fucking worried.' YOU SHOULD BE, YOU SCUMBAG.
'Becky's a skiniving bastard.' And you're criminally stupid. Arron: 'two faced bastards.' What do you expect, they've got to nominate someone! You wouldn't mind if it was someone else.
Conor: 'I can read people.' He's right about Sara's personality, though. 'I don't even think Scott's human.' That's called homophobia. 'Maybe I could use her' about his 'friend' Caroline. Oh, this charming man.
I sooooo want Arron AND Conor to go! LOL to Scott finally turning on Arron. Thought he fancied him. Well, there's a fine line between love and hate. Is Scott drunk or has he just lost it? Arron threatening Scott. 'Shit's about to get real.' No, shit is re-al already.
Happy, happy house! Benedict and Lydia must be thrilled to be out. 'Pouring things down the sink is disgusting'. Not if it's a massive bag of cocaine and the LAPD come knocking. WTF is a rapscallion?! Ooh, apparently it's a rogue. Scott's gone bananas. I love a good TV meltdown, though.
To be fair to Ashleigh, I think she deals with Caroline quite well. In any sane world they'd hate each other.
God, Luke, Lauren and Adam are sooooooo boring. Don't get me wrong; NICE. But who wants nice housemates? Scott FTW (bet you didn't see that coming) for using 'rapscallion' and starting the most stupid row I've seen so far. But I haven't forgotten his past misdemeanors. And if a new housemate arrives, I'm supporting them, even if they're a foxhunting sexist right-wing Christian. It would still beat this lot.

Big Brother 13: I couldn't give two hoots

Oh shut up Shev and Becky - like you don't want to win it. Everyone wants to win it. I'm glad Scott is onto Luke S. I don't know if he can bring him down with the thicky crew, though.They need Lydia's scheme trails to sort that problem out.
Theo/Sebastian-gate was really silly. Why is Arron so protective over a statue? I have a life-size lamp of Venus de Milo and we call it 'Our Lady'. It is probably the first thing I'd save in a fire. Well, cats first, then that.
Oh, Arron. What a twat you are. Sara is putting him off.God, there's literally nothing to comment on. No one actually has conversations anymore. Shev is so chronically annoying. She's got zero substance.
I like the fact they're gunging Ashleigh on pretty much the only day she's put make up on. Outside world contact! God, why do I bother even saying it? That ship has long sailed. Eww, gunge on the DR chair *OCD*. Why would Ashleigh be upset that she was gunged? Who gives a shit? There's some hammy acting going on. As if Shev is really that scared of clowns. It's all just a façade. There's no storyline so they're having to engineer one.
Loving Arron's 'just been exploded' look. If only. How gullible is Shev? Can they make Conor look like he's just been punched in the face and raped with a hairbrush, please? This might be the most stupid task ever.
They should deffo have gaffer taped up Luke's mouth. I couldn't be gaffer taped up like that. I'd get claustrophobic and panic. Also, it wouldn't suit me, a bit like those electric shock outfits.
No one would say 'it's not worth it' - they'd force Shev to do it at knifepoint. This is the most boring Big Brother yet because it's a non-story focusing on a non-character. Shev is so fucking thick she doesn't even realise what's happened.
Arron's chat up technique needs a little work. Him and Sara never did have that talk, did they?
I'm thrilled that Scott is pulling away from Caroline. Very smart move. Caroline: 'Conor's one of my best friends.' Idiot move. It was inevitable that their friendship would end as it was built on pure poison.
Cigarette wars: boring. Ashleigh: 'Lauren's a fucking weirdo.' No, you're a fucking sad sack. Lauren's quite normal and you're an insecure bag of slop.
Did Conor just say 'I hope everyone goes up'? Be careful what you wish for, you disgusting thick pig.
Luke S: 'they could take a shit on the table and still be in here.' Well, we know that from last year. Who'd have thought this year could be any more vile? Send the defibrillator. This show is flat-lining fast.

Big Brother 13: The lowest of the low

Good evening. Looks like Becky's the new dog to kick. Oh well, suits me fine. They're all as bad as each other and the 'outsiders' need a break, even though all my favourite outsiders have already gone.
Fuck off Becky, giving it 'who is she?' in the DR. Don't make me pine for years when there were actually decent contestants. 'Shev is old enough to be my mother.' Really? I don't think so.
Becky doesn't give two shits. That's why she's bawling. Sara is saying sorry to you, you idiot. Take it in the spirit it's intended. 'I'm 19!' What does this even mean? Excuse me for being an idiot, I'm 19? At 19 I was doing my degree and had written two novels! STFU. At 18 you can legally do ANYTHING. You're an adult. You don't hear Harry Styles going 'but I'm 17!' before he gets into bed with all those older laydeeeeez, do you? Shev to Becky: 'you're bubbly.' Yes, about 18 stone of bubbly.
This desperate plea for airtime - sorry, 'romantic picnic' - is beyond comment. What does Luke see in her? A friend of mine said Luke S does have his good side, and it's true, given a different set of friends maybe he'd come over a bit better in the house... I mean, he does have half a braincell. But even so, he is still ultimately a douchebag of the highest order and his showmance is about as believable as that alien landing in that woman's back garden on Beadle's About* (*old person's reference).
I'm actually feeling embarrassed for Arron every time he speaks now. What a sad, sad character. 'Smoking hot birds'. What a little prick. He's going to be so embarrassed when he grows up a bit and he watches this back.
Cooking task... zzz. BB isn't trying to shit stir the Lauren, Ashleigh and Luke situation, is he? I think Luke said 'crisps' about 1,000 times. I like crisps, much more than the next girl, but it's not that exciting.
It would be better if Lauren couldn't see who was cooking what and had to choose blind. I don't think she'll dare choose Luke S. And she didn't. I'm glad Luke and Lauren have seen through Luke S being nice to them. He's such a gameplayer.
I'd rather have money than flowers, too. Luke S is trying to tie Deana up in knots. She gave her his opinion. He doesn't like it. Deana: say it to him about the fake relationship! You'll instantly become my favourite housemate.
Look at Becky shit-stirring; what a horrible person. She'd do anything to 'get in with the gang.' Scott is actually showing he's got balls a bit lately, refusing to rat on Deana. Good on him.
Ashleigh: Deana is right about your relationship; it is the lowest of the low. No feelings, just sex, patronising and desperation.
GO DEANA! At last, someone gets off the fence. 'Your fake relationship is disgusting'. Wicked. Luke S's body language was brilliant. Yeah we will see when you get out! He'll drop that rat-faced little thicko faster than Becky dropped Deana after that 'favourite housemate' challenge. It's not ideal to start a row right before nominations, but at least someone's speaking the truth at last.
What is Caroline TALKING about? Yes, Deana, play down the fact you're successful to fit in with the thickos; they've already got rid of the two most 'famous' people in the house.
This show is soooo boring right now. It needs a kick up the arse right now. Sort it out this week, please.