Saturday, 2 June 2012

The Voice: The Final

Well here we are and already I'm hearing the fucking word 'jubilee'. Is there no escape? What has the Voice got to do with the Queen? Cunting bunting! In other news, Holly's come as a dominatrix.
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others. 
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain. 
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!

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