Live (ish) Blog: The British Soap Awards 2009

I wouldn't normally watch the soap awards (as I'm not clinically insane) but I thought it might make for an amusing blog. Only you can decide if I was right or if I should have watched The Apprentice instead (I'm gonna watch The Apprentice anyway, ner!)
Oh dear, it didn't bode well when I hardly recognised anyone at the start. But then I only watch Eastenders and Corrie. I was amused to see Luke Strong doing a rude boy style hand flick at the cameras- bo! He's keeping it real down Underworld. He likes what he's seen so far. Unlike me, which is Barbara Windsor looking like a corpse and a vomit-rainbow of dresses. Aww, Shaun. I miss your manic charms. Andrew Sachs! Die! How am I going to cope when he's actually IN Corrie? Stop ruining my life!
Why is Phillip Schofield on EVERYTHING? He's about as humourous as an episode of Eastenders. Zzzz.
1st up: Sexiest Male. God, there's fuck all totty at the mo, that new doctor they've foisted upon up in Eastenders makes me wanna go gay. Ooh I vote Tony from Corrie! I've got the sickest crush on him and his white shirt black tie combo. And he's one of the options. Bizarre. As is Peter Barlow? I'm not that desperate! Or Shaun, I'd pick him too, I like gingers. Ah Christian is up for it as well. He's my boyfriend's pick. God, they nominate about 500 people. Next it'll be Dev, Dev's uncle, Ken, Norris and Billy Mitchell. Urgh, Jack from Eastenders won! He looks like the missing link. I'd rather go dogging with Phil Mitchell. His speech was quite funny, he said it was 3 hours in make up. Boo!
Sexiest Female. My boyfriend likes Becky and Tina from Corrie. Is Stacey Slater sexy? My mum says she's pretty but I think she looks like a hamster. Hmm, no nominations for Roxy or Ronnie I see. Tina won. She is cute. Oh dear, I'm actually getting into this. Bye bye non-existent credibility.
Villan of the Year HAS to be Tony. Those masks were fab. Ooh Archie is pretty bad as well though. Tony won! Hurrah. Well deserved. I was so pleased when they kept him in Corrie, he's a great character. He looks hot!
'Comedian' Lee Mack made a gross sexist joke. Haven't you been replaced by that other twat comedian now (Macantyre?) Just fuck off. Oh he's introducing Best Comedy Performance. It's gotta be Blanche, she's basically got her own scriptwriter she's so good. What she's not even nominated! Zenab Masood??? Is she meant to be funny? She's always fucking moaning. She's about as funny as getting run over on the way to get chemotherapy. Where was Norris? Becky? Even Dev, for fuck's sake. This award is an abomination, an injustice right up there with Guilford Four. I demand a recount!
Spectacular scene of the Year: I can't even think of any except that naked picture of Dev and thats cos it was yesterday! Oddly I'd seen the Emmerdale one at my mums. She's always going on about how good Emmerdale is, but I need another soap in my life like I need a pay cut.
Best Dramatic Performance: Oh dear, Doctors isn't winning anything, I wonder why (not). Bianca was actually pretty good in the paedo storyline. I thought that episode was excellent. Shit, Doctors did win! Wtf? I watched that once because my friend was in it, and even he was wooden.
Best young dramatic performance should go to Simon, he's amazing! He almost makes me like children! And that's just weird. Bianca's ginger spawn is quite good, too.
Best Exit. Yay, Liam should win that (cos of the masks!) but won't as he wasn't there. That Doctors exit did look good, it was like Final Destination. Ooh Liam did win after all! Very very rock n roll.
Hold up; how come Jordan and Peter are presenting an award? When did they film this? I feel cheated. Best Couple should go to Steve and Becky, and surely will. WHAT! The Masoods?!! You've got to be shitting me? Am I on a different planet to everyone else? They are SHIT. The only one thats good is the speccy kid. What next, Nasty Nick for Best Actor? Fuck me. The world is so out of kilter with my own perception of things, I wonder who's got it right. Obviously it's me, but still; fuck you, world.
Oh fucking hell, then Barbara Windsor won some lifetime achievement thing for bellowing 'GETOUTTAMYPUB!' and that's about it. She gets on my nerves. Oh shut up about Carry On films. Get over it! Aw, Shane Richie came out and called her 'the duchess'. Cute.
OK I'm flagging now. Surely the lifetime achievement award should be at the end. This show is exactly an hour too long. Still, I'll suffer the rest just for you and bankroll it later, even though you never asked me to.
Best storyline. Doctors won?! Who watches Doctors. No fucker, we're all at work. How ridiculous.
Best Newcomer: I like David's mate who works in the butchers, he has a very amusing voice. I think Whitney is excellent too, and a really good actress (and cute- she's not underage anymore, right?) David's mate won! Cool, especially as I can't even remember his screen name.
Best Episode should have gone to the Bianca/Whitney one I reckon. I thought that was about the only good episode of Eastenders in a year. Steve and Becky's wedding was awful and totally over-acted. It was actually quite embarrassing. Doctors won! Who knew.
Best Actor went to Shaun Slater- fuck a duck. I fancy him as much as the next person, but his acting is dire! Even he looked embarrassed. These awards are a shambles. Fair play that he said Max Branning or Phil Mitchell deserved it more, because they do (even though Phil Mitchell seems to have forgotten how to act drunk lately.) Who's going to win Best Actress now, Heather?
Becky won. I think on the whole she is a good actress, and her character is good, she just had an off day on the wedding. I can't believe they showed that clip straight after, it actually made me cringe it was so bad.
How the fuck did Eastenders win Best British Soap? It is so badly written it's untrue. Coronation Street is so far ahead in terms of writing, comedy, characterisation, even drama, it's unreal. Choosing Eastenders over it is like offering someone a holiday in the Bahamas or a trip to Blackpool and people choosing Blackpool because they don't like 'that foreign muck.'
Who is voting for this shit? You should have your pens taken off you, you fucking idiots. Or is crayons?

Eastenders: The Paedophile Edition

Eastenders was excellent tonight. I cried the whole way through it so it must have done the trick. Wow they really piled on the rain machine, didn't they? And Tony actually did some acting rather than just looking like some shifty motherfucker. I thought the whole thing was brilliantly acted; Bianca and Whitney in particular were really good. And I normally can't stand Bianca.
The whole episode was really well written (I notice from the credits they got an old school writer in; I did my dissertation on Eastenders at university so that tells you what type of course I did) They always get an old school writer in when it's a biggie episode.
The whole episode was full of horror and it was very dramatic, in the right way. I'm glad they didn't shirk from it; and I thought Bianca's reaction was interesting; I was SHOCKED when Whitney said she was 12 when it started and Bianca still carried on having a go at her. But the penny dropped more gradually; and it was actually more effective as she put the pieces together. It was good when she took Tiffany off Tony's lap, and him saying she was too young, because that's how it must be to be a child abuser; you must have to have some supremely twisted sense of morality to say 'no, that child is too young, but 12 is ok.' We lump them together, but child abusers ARE humans; and that's what's frightening.
I'm so glad they didn't drag it out more; I couldn't have standed (!) it any longer. NB. That creative writing degree was wasted on me *pays back the loan forever*.
I was wondering the whole way through when someone was going to say the P word, and I'm glad they did, although it was clearly a heavy handed 'message for the kids'. Yet it was good that it was acknowledged; this was not an affair, it was rape. Whitney was not to blame.
I was very happy when it transpired Bianca had called the old bill at the end. The whole thing was like the worst drama in my house ever growing up times twelve. And you gotta love Eastenders for that shit.
PS: I double dare you to spell paedophilia right first time.

Corrie/Enders- The Drugs Don't Work

Good! I'm glad Liam went back to Carla, they were meant to be, and Maria's a whining dolt (even if she is extremely pretty). They had a slow dance to The Drugs Don't Work... what's that all about? It's not the most romantic love song, is it? Just thinking about Richard Ashcroft's fish-face is enough to put me off. Tina was quite funny today, and the whole gay chat was quite amusing. Kirk's girlfriend is well annoying though, she'd better turn out to be a complete psycho or something, otherwise she's an utter waste of space.
I was happy to see the return of Christian in Eastenders, as he is the only actual human in it. As if he could fancy Stephen. Stephen is the opposite of viagra. I hope he's gone forever, please say it's so! And send Lucy Beale after him, the narky little cow.
And what was the deal with Roxy's pregnancy test? I've never seen one with a giant red crucifix in it, normally it's like a little blue dot or something right (not that I'd know). Perhaps it meant she's due to give birth to the spawn of Satan. That doctor bloke wasn't too bad was he? I think he was slumming it with Roxy and her nylon hair. Ricky and Bianca have been an UTTER anti-climax. I can't stand them. He's just about bearable, but she needs drowning, now.

Enders: Frank

I wasn't going to blog about this, but Ricky, Diane, Janine, Bianca, numerous flashbacks, and us hearing the thoughts inside Pat's head, then even the bloody coffin talking, is just too much to let slip by unnoticed. Without Pat almost stripping. It's so gross the way they always allude to Pat having a 'sexy past.' BLERGH!
This episode started off awful (another Christian-less episode- sob!) with Pat and Peggy both talking for way too long, but kicked off after about ten minutes. I love it when Peggy says 'get out of my pub!' You can't go wrong with that.
I KNEW what would be inside the present! So obvious. So revolting.
I'm well pleased to see Ricky back, I think he's fabulous. I bloody love Janine as well, I wish she was back for good. I'm thinking she probably isn't.
Why was Bianca still wearing the same clothes she wore ten years ago? Has she been cryogenically frozen? In fact none of them had aged. How peculiar. Lucky gits.
Other things that should make an Enders comeback.... Sharon, Dennis, Matthew Rose, Steve Owen, whoever Paul Nicholls played who wrapped tin-foil round his head (but not his mum, she was fucking annoying), the new skinny Sonia (just to see what people say), Tiffany, Grant, Beppe, Beppe's brother, Gaffney... evil Trevor! Oh my god, there's so many.
PS: Bloody loved the advert with Ricky and Bianca. If only actual Eastenders was that good.