Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fake eviction - Lee Crying

Evening! I'm so glad it's not a real eviction, but a fake eviction. Let's hope we see some Gina and Dexter style magic with Liz and Dappy in the bolthole. Or the bunghole, as my boyfriend has renamed it.
Casey: 'He's not done anything with Jasmine.' Er...
Is Liz wearing Ollie Locke's onesie?
Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs and Jim Davidson's a dick. What's going on under that tin foil, though? Lee has mistaken a space blanket for a wank shield.
Jim on the 'lovebirds': 'Sounded like he was whisking an omelette.' What sex act sounds like that!?
Evander listing his children beginning with E. Nothing could ever top the vain-gloriousness of Jermajesty.
LOL to the woman in the audience saying Dappy's a 'sort'.
I can't work out if I like this alien task or not. I like things to do with aliens in general. I like Alex Jones and Richplanet. Dappy has gone to smash some shit up. He thinks he's Will Smith in Independence Day. I love that Liz is Dappy's damsel in distress. Look at the way he threw himself into that task. I love Dappy! Except for the fact he said 'bent'. But they never showed that. So they must love Dappy, too.
Oh fuck me, not the electric shocks again. Ha, this is quite funny, actually. Liz Jones is being a good sport. I think she's enjoying the electric buzz. I like Dappy's urgency to win.
Dappy agog that Jasmine's sex tape could be 43 minutes long. 'What were you doing for that much time, baby?' Says it ALL, bruv!
Fucking hell, man, look at that audience, it's like the Jeremy Kyle audience just kicked off the zombie apocolypse.
Shopping list woes! Ha to Liz calling Luisa stupid. It ALWAYS kicks off! Lee giving Casey high fives now. Lordy.
Lee: 'I hate drama.' Sure creates enough of it. He needs condoms; is that for Jasmine or Casey? I don't think he's fussed. He's NOT attractive, why is he swanning round like the big 'I am'! He's behaving like such a douche he's making Dappy look well-mannered.
Jim and Lionel doing panto talk. They are going in deep with the characters. I don't think Dick Whittington and Buttons are that well thought out.
Casey has every right to be mad with Lee. She HAS been played. Lee to Jasmine: 'Please move here.' What a freak. I hope he gets booed to fuck when he comes out.
You know when Casey says something Lee's going to make her out to be a psycho. Lee calling someone else OFF KEY! That's a fucking joke. Even Jasmine says he's led Casey on. Casey shouldn't feel stupid: Lee is the prick here.
Ha, Jim letting the toilet antics out of the bag to Ollie and Sam. LOL. Lee is done for. Ollie is so cute, I love him, onesie or no.
Lee Ryan: 'Upset about what?' UPSET THAT YOU'RE A CUNT! You were rubbing your willy on her, you fucking pig. Casey could win off the back of this shit, I tell you. She's a sweet thing. Lee has traded in a nice girl for a sex cyborg.
Ha, they're chanting 'get Lee out.' He's actually gone red. He looks sick! I love it! About time they're chanting a MAN'S name for once! Haha, it was so loud, too. His face is an absolute picture.
Poor Casey thinks she's going to get evicted because she's chained to Lee. Talk about a double slap in the face.
Look at Evander eating his apple as he's hearing the eviction results. He's just chilling.
Lee, stop saying 'I love you' to a girl you don't love. Lee, you take a breather, you fucking prick. OMG he's being so out of order. What an arse. 'You're not my girlfriend.' Fuck off.
Bi convo. All four of these people are bi. Even Lee Ryan is trying to jump on the bi bandwagon. Ollie is claiming first bi dibs on a reality show. Is that true? Poor Ollie can't get none cos girls think he's gay. I'm bi-friendly, Ollie. I'll give you a chance.
OH MY GOD, my cat just brought in an ALIVE mouse! I had to round up two cats, pick it up in a dustpan and brush and run outside with no shoes on in the rain, hide it in a bush (it was in shock but moving) and come back and shut the cats in. My heart is POUNDING! Who knows what's happening in Big Brother now! Fuck me. That was stress. I need some valium. Ok, unpause the TV. Thank God, for Sky Plus or I'd have just thrown the mouse across the fence and ran back in, ha.
I can't watch Lee snogging Cruella. She's like a less likeable Carla Connor. Luisa, Lee and Jasmine haven't got a soul between them. Is Jasmine's specialty crawling into the toilet with Lee? She must be desperate, either that or she really likes Aquafresh. Lee's 'taps on' trick isn't really working, is it?
How come Ollie is deemed 'safe' to sleep with the girls? That bi card gets you some currency. It's so obvious Lee and Casey will go in the bolthole. Bet Jasmine says she never fancied him the second he leaves.
Lee: 'It's not you, it's me.' Well, that's true. Ha to Dappy and Liz getting cheered. Look at Liz's eye make up. She looks like Joan Collins.
Casey and Lee got the boot... well the bolt. If this was for real, Casey would have the right to be LIVID. Liz and Dappy would have been better.
They need to speed up this leaving bit. It's like Big Brother Australia, they're leaving so slow. Poor Casey, she looks stoic. Ha, she looked mad as hell coming out those doors. This is pure hilarity.
Casey's BOOBS! Haha, Lee didn't look too happy to be going back in. 'I hate you lot.' Emma: 'They feel the same about you.'
Bet Casey gets off with him again! Lee is a rotter. This should be good TV, anyway. They really seem to hate each other. Lee: 'I hate the way I'm being perceived.' Yes, it's probably just the editing, you jug-eared twonk. If Casey plays this right, she could really come out on top. Lee is done for and he knows it.
Ha, they're all talking about Lee already and Casey and Lee are watching. I think Lee and Casey are going to bond. Ha, Jasmine is rich, saying Lee is hurting someone! 'It's kind of a relief for me.' And there it ends. Too good. Live feed, please!
PS: No podcast til the weekend cos he's working! Sorry and thanks for spreading the word, one of ours got 550 listens. That's probably more than sales of the last Blue tune.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I'm not fucking Bono

If ever a series didn't need an alien invasion, it's this one. We don't need a rehash of Beadle's About when we've got a virtual porno kicking off. Actually, the spaceship doesn't look too bad. LOL is the electric shock suits?! So soon! Mind you, any time is too soon.
Lee Ryan and Liz have been abducted. Ha, micro-dermabrasion.They're not even waxing Lee, they're just razoring him! What a wimp!
Casey isn't the sharpest, telling BB she's been talking to Lee in code. Remember 'follow the van'? That was some old skool BB times.
Lee: 'You're not really allowed an opinion as a celebrity.' Tell that to Morrissey. Lee, don't be a crashing bore, vent your opinion, it's funny.
'Earlier Lionel was given an intergalactic space trumpet.' Well there are words I never thought I'd write. Space trumpet playing leads to Krispy Kreme donuts, apparently.
Evander rates himself, doesn't he! Is he allowed to touch the space trumpet? Just don't let him near the pink oboe.
Lee confiding in Liz is about the least touching moment I've ever seen on TV. Jasmine is is his kind of girl: 'a bit damaged'. Er, don't admit that on TV. That's like when men say they like anorexic girls or something. There's a reason a man wants a girl who's damaged, and it's not to put her back together again.
How is this alien reading tweets out?! Have aliens got Twitter, now? These tweets could be about either Luisa or Jasmine as they've both behaved like a pair of sex-mad loonies.
Do you think it's discrimination to pick up an alien as if it were a child? Discuss.
That Luisa is nasty saying Casey is looking to 'latch on' to someone. All she seems to want to do is waggle her tongue at Jasmine. I'm sure Lee said yesterday he wanted a girlfriend! Now he's saying he doesn't. What a knobber. I feel almost sorry for Casey, now. And her boobs.
Er... what is Jim Davidson eating! He has the table manners of a chimp. Linda is right to be wary of Jim: he's got the knives out for her. But she's not exactly been friendly to him, either.
Why are they playing Busted into the house? Liz Jones is like Michael Jackson or something in those sunglasses. Hold up, it's Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. This is an indie disco classic. 'I'll still fry you in my wok... mmmmm drop!'
Jim: 'I love Ollie.' Ha! Does he know he's bi? Lies!
Lee Ryan is being a bastard. He HAS led Casey on because when they were unchained he was still in bed with her and jerking off and everything. So much for his kids watching.
Lee is serenading his housemates. Waaaaaaaa! Hide the breakables. Did Jim tell Jasmine to fuck off, or Lee? Is it OK to be rude to someone just because they're American?
Evander needs a Bible buddy.
Sam Faiers is the most boring housemate of all time. Have you seen her say one thing of interest?
Jim Davidson is not down for giving a bottle a blowjob. No, siree.
Lee: 'you know they're all talking about us.' You're the one who's been talking about it all day, prick! Lee Ryan hasn't even got 'big brother brain'. This is not a showmance. It's a woemance. I hope Casey shoots him down. I thought she dealt with him in quite a classy manner, actually, and then he's carping on like she's clinging to his leg begging for him, when actually she was like, 'whatever'.
Linda is just as shirty with Jim as he is with her. Look at her holding court! She's stirring it up.
Dappy: 'you lead it on, bro.' Who's the bigger misogynist, him, Lee, or Jim? I think Lee so far.
Now Lee's got back with Casey! No wonder he loves animals so much, this guy is a fucking dog. Talk about mixing! He's acting like he's not causing this whole situation.
Jim: 'What am I accused of?' I like Jim more than Linda right now. Is she trying to goad him? I don't get it!
I've slept under a space blanket before, on a crate, off my head, and it was fucking horrible. NOT sexy. Lee is like a horny little bitch! Poor Liz and Jim having to listen to Lee and Jasmine snogging, ten minutes after he said he liked Casey. BARE LIBERTIES.
OMG I think Lee went to jerk off in the loo again, and this time someone (Jasmine) followed him! Is that his pulling technique!? How must he behave in the outside world if he carries on like that in there?! Waaaaaaaa! What a creep. Come back, Duncan, all is forgiven. This is going to be a long three weeks at this rate. It's going to be doubly long if Lee and Casey get fake evicted together. I don't think I've ever seen someone two time another person in the Big Brother house. It's either the ultimate sluttery... or the ultimate strategy.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Don't blame nuclear on chickens

This is shaping up to be a legacy season! We've got sex, bondage and rampant homophobes.
Evander still doesn't know what show he's on: 'do people come and clean the house?' No, and there's cameras watching you, too.
OMG what a hypocrite Lionel Blair is with his 'your mouth looks bigger today' comment implying Jasmine sucked Dappy off! So HE'S alright to talk about deep throating first thing in the morning. Grim.
Nature talk with Lee Ryan! Careful, now. LOL to them singing 'All rise' whilst speculating about Lee Ryan's sex life.
Luisa: 'You're such a cool, calm dude' to Evander. Yesterday proved otherwise. Will he redeem himself? Will it be a Conor situation and he'll take the money and run?
Ollie has fallen in love with Lionel. I've fallen in love with Ollie. OMG all Casey talks about is her boobs! It's pathetic. She makes me ashamed to be a woman.
Luisa seems quite proud to call herself a 'coke-taking sex addict.' I'm surprised she's having this sex party talk in front of Evander. I wouldn't dare. Dappy: 'What does that [women having sex] consist of?' Evander doesn't seem that bothered about the 'double-ended dildo' talk! Are girls being gay OK? Is that not like having your foot on wonky? Hypocrite!
Ha, we've seen this rope untangling game on BBUS. Do you think some are more tangled than others? I'm inclined to think everything's a fix.
So up are Liz, Dappy, Evander, Luisa, Casey and Lee. All depends if it's vote to save or vote to evict.
I think the handcuff task is good because it makes them appreciate their time in the house, rather than whinging like they did last year. Now they can run wild!
Ollie is doing some good strategy in the DR here. Crying and theatrics.
I like the fact this Luisa is quite a bitch. I'm not sure the lesbian gameplan is going to pay off, though. I think it might just be an excuse to you know, be a slut (I'm saying that in the sex positive sense, ha!) Casey is just like a cardboard cut out off Babestation. I don't find her attractive. She's making me feel sexist against MY OWN SEX by mentioning her boobs all the time. Women are more than just body parts! 
Luisa: 'are you gay or straight?' to Ollie. Have you heard of BISEXUALS? You ARE ONE! These people are so weird. Why does it have to be one or the other?
Why is Liz wearing that drab tracksuit? 'I'm not used to people being nice to me.' Aw. Keep her in!
Linda telling off the girls for being bitchy; spoilsport! Luisa: 'I say it as I see it.' She'd be good on Catchphrase. I quite like her, in a way. At least she's 'being herself'. Ha!
Liz: 'I don't read the Bible cos it's nonsense.' Jim: 'Don't blame nuclear on chickens.' WTF. How do nuclear weapons keep the peace! If no one had any, wouldn't it be more peaceful? Aw, it's too deep for Lee Ryan. Tell that to the victims of 9/11. I like it when they talk politics in the BB house! It's so rare.
Why is Linda always trying to prove herself to Jim!
Lee Ryan is keeping his options open. 'Playing the fuck out of all these hoes' as Jasmine so eloquently put it.
Oh dear, Lee Ryan going all 'tings' and 'bruv' with Dappy, fo' shame. Shut it, Granddad.
Jim Davidson is horrible but he IS funny sometimes! Cruel, but funny. Liz Jones is so fragile! She's like a little sparrow. I want her to have a 'journey' lol.
Don't pillow fight, Lee and Casey, that's how the Daley/Hazel war began.
Dappy makes me feel physically sick, but you can't deny he's entertaining. Why has he got his cap on in the bath! This hot tub scene is soooo childish!
Does Lee even fancy that boring pair of boobs he was chained to? It seems like a relationship of convenience to me. I think he'd rather be with Dappy in the hot tub.
OMG Dappy is like the pimp daddy in there! This is worse than when George Galloway was the cat. It's making my vagina curl up and die. Is this motorboat thing really happening? How did Dappy pull this shit off?! This is the rudest Big Brother EVER!  I'm actually quite shocked, we're normally quite stuck up and prim.
Jim's 'get the taste out of your mouth' comment - gag! Imagine what noise Lee Ryan makes when he orgasms! Waaaaaaaa!
At least Evander is keeping it holy and civillised - apart from his raging homophobia, obviously.
Luisa calling Dappy cringe! That's rich. She is shameless. What must Alan Sugar think? I'm glad Margaret isn't still around to witness this.
Thought Dappy was going to pull the covers off Lee Ryan's bare arse there. Fucking hell, man, this is like Holland's Big Brother. OMG I thought Casey was going to go in the toilet with him then. But he just jerked himself off! Groo.
Wow it's a fake eviction! Cool! There's too much going on to kick two out at this stage. The 'bolt hole'! Is that a cleaned up version of the rape suite, I mean, the safe house? Yes! I'm loving this BB! Whoop.

Big Brother 8: Hell Yeah

Well, that was pretty good. That was absolutely fascinating. The interview was unnecessarily weird and the fact that Charley failed to read a hundred signs saying 'this is a fake eviction' was fairly unsurprising.
It was all worth it for Ziggy and Chanelle's face alone. Chanelle looked strangely beautiful in her horror. Charley going from apologetically demure 'I'd fade into the background' to 'do you wanna go back in?' 'HELL, YEAH!' was brilliant. She looked truly evil. When she came in and started running her mouth like a demented chatterbox, it was fucking amazing.
It dawned on me that this whole thing was designed to turn things around for Charley, but Charley is not capable of realising this, and working it to her favour. Instead she is like a demented, wobbly-headed dog, just going on and on and on until oblivion.
The weirdest thing was, she actually looked genuinely embarrassed when they showed clips of her being angry. I actually thought she might change her ways! Silly me.
As for the rest of the show, politicians wearing Lacoste, duvets that can be seen from space, and Chanelle begging Ziggy to come back to bed. All good fun.
I think Charley's return will drive Ziggy and Chanelle back in to eachother's arms.
Beware Sam, Liam, Ziggy, Chanelle.
Thank your lucky stars Brian and Carole.
Everyone else: fucking duck. A war is about to break out.