Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I'm not fucking Bono

If ever a series didn't need an alien invasion, it's this one. We don't need a rehash of Beadle's About when we've got a virtual porno kicking off. Actually, the spaceship doesn't look too bad. LOL is the electric shock suits?! So soon! Mind you, any time is too soon.
Lee Ryan and Liz have been abducted. Ha, micro-dermabrasion.They're not even waxing Lee, they're just razoring him! What a wimp!
Casey isn't the sharpest, telling BB she's been talking to Lee in code. Remember 'follow the van'? That was some old skool BB times.
Lee: 'You're not really allowed an opinion as a celebrity.' Tell that to Morrissey. Lee, don't be a crashing bore, vent your opinion, it's funny.
'Earlier Lionel was given an intergalactic space trumpet.' Well there are words I never thought I'd write. Space trumpet playing leads to Krispy Kreme donuts, apparently.
Evander rates himself, doesn't he! Is he allowed to touch the space trumpet? Just don't let him near the pink oboe.
Lee confiding in Liz is about the least touching moment I've ever seen on TV. Jasmine is is his kind of girl: 'a bit damaged'. Er, don't admit that on TV. That's like when men say they like anorexic girls or something. There's a reason a man wants a girl who's damaged, and it's not to put her back together again.
How is this alien reading tweets out?! Have aliens got Twitter, now? These tweets could be about either Luisa or Jasmine as they've both behaved like a pair of sex-mad loonies.
Do you think it's discrimination to pick up an alien as if it were a child? Discuss.
That Luisa is nasty saying Casey is looking to 'latch on' to someone. All she seems to want to do is waggle her tongue at Jasmine. I'm sure Lee said yesterday he wanted a girlfriend! Now he's saying he doesn't. What a knobber. I feel almost sorry for Casey, now. And her boobs.
Er... what is Jim Davidson eating! He has the table manners of a chimp. Linda is right to be wary of Jim: he's got the knives out for her. But she's not exactly been friendly to him, either.
Why are they playing Busted into the house? Liz Jones is like Michael Jackson or something in those sunglasses. Hold up, it's Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. This is an indie disco classic. 'I'll still fry you in my wok... mmmmm drop!'
Jim: 'I love Ollie.' Ha! Does he know he's bi? Lies!
Lee Ryan is being a bastard. He HAS led Casey on because when they were unchained he was still in bed with her and jerking off and everything. So much for his kids watching.
Lee is serenading his housemates. Waaaaaaaa! Hide the breakables. Did Jim tell Jasmine to fuck off, or Lee? Is it OK to be rude to someone just because they're American?
Evander needs a Bible buddy.
Sam Faiers is the most boring housemate of all time. Have you seen her say one thing of interest?
Jim Davidson is not down for giving a bottle a blowjob. No, siree.
Lee: 'you know they're all talking about us.' You're the one who's been talking about it all day, prick! Lee Ryan hasn't even got 'big brother brain'. This is not a showmance. It's a woemance. I hope Casey shoots him down. I thought she dealt with him in quite a classy manner, actually, and then he's carping on like she's clinging to his leg begging for him, when actually she was like, 'whatever'.
Linda is just as shirty with Jim as he is with her. Look at her holding court! She's stirring it up.
Dappy: 'you lead it on, bro.' Who's the bigger misogynist, him, Lee, or Jim? I think Lee so far.
Now Lee's got back with Casey! No wonder he loves animals so much, this guy is a fucking dog. Talk about mixing! He's acting like he's not causing this whole situation.
Jim: 'What am I accused of?' I like Jim more than Linda right now. Is she trying to goad him? I don't get it!
I've slept under a space blanket before, on a crate, off my head, and it was fucking horrible. NOT sexy. Lee is like a horny little bitch! Poor Liz and Jim having to listen to Lee and Jasmine snogging, ten minutes after he said he liked Casey. BARE LIBERTIES.
OMG I think Lee went to jerk off in the loo again, and this time someone (Jasmine) followed him! Is that his pulling technique!? How must he behave in the outside world if he carries on like that in there?! Waaaaaaaa! What a creep. Come back, Duncan, all is forgiven. This is going to be a long three weeks at this rate. It's going to be doubly long if Lee and Casey get fake evicted together. I don't think I've ever seen someone two time another person in the Big Brother house. It's either the ultimate sluttery... or the ultimate strategy.

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