Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fuck New York

Why is Emma always wearing a really gross jacket? And Jim is wearing yellow gingham. Why are people booing Liz? Boo to you, motherfuckers. At least Sam has attempted to cover the boils.
Are we still doing this task? That snow looks like flour. They are making Linda eat dog food. I don't believe they'd really make her eat dog food, it's not suitable for human consumption. It's probably got horse in it.
Dappy's hair does actually look good when you see it, I don't know why he's always wearing a stupid hat.
Sam Faier's future plans are dull as fuck, surprise surprise. She's put Ollie in the friendzone.
Lee is wearing long johns and fiddling with his bits. This 'killer questions' task as been done a million times.
Liz is going to be Lee's next crush after admitting she fancied him!
Jim: 'If you cut Dappy's head off you'd see honest written through him like a stick of rock.' Can we try it just to check? Some of those questions were quite good, I must admit.
LOL Lee's gone off Jasmine already! Ha. 'I didn't say she could move in with me, or did I?' he said, picking his nose. 'Or did I?' should be his disclaimer after everything he says. This guy is a first class tool. Lee's playing the blame game with Luisa now! Love it. Aw, they're just messing. Hard to tell if Lee Ryan is lying if his mouth's moving. Waaaaa!
We still have no clue what is going in in this task. Smash iiiiiiit! Ice cube wars. Get the Weetabix and the Zeo. I wish someone would just crush someone's skull with a hammer.
'This week housemates went on a journey.' They always do.
Ha, they're showing them what they said in the pub! Cruel. Ollie is wearing goggles to protect him from the heartbreak. He's put his hood up now, too. He should go camouflage like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen worktops. Linda seems to have the hump, but then what's new? This is a woman who only smiles once a year, when she hears Jim's been arrested.
Why do they only ever show tweets from celebs? NAZISM. What about us plebs? We do funny tweets too. Sometimes.
Who's hoovering? And why can't we have subtitles whilst someone's hoovering? Oh, there they are. I feel like my mum's gonna ask me to lift my feet up so she can do underneath.
Dappy and Luisa talking about nominations - but luckily they don't cancel the nominations anymore. Why aren't they using the jail? Has anyone even been in it? They are wearing a twosie. Sam: 'Did they break anything?' Yeah, the rules. Dappy trying to similate a BJ with Luisa.
Lee: 'They've worked out the language of dolphins but the government found out and stopped it. It's hearsay, but...' YES! Lee knows! He knows the conspiracy theories. Dolphins were monkeys, who didn't like the land, after all. Yes, Lee is defending his elephants and whales statement! Liz is suddenly his biggest fan again. 'I didn't say 'who gives a fuck about New York' I actually said, 'fuck New York'.' Er, I think that's worse. I don't think that's the best way of clearing that up. I would have loved to have seen more of that conversation. I could watch Lee Ryan talk about conspiracy theories ALL NIGHT LONG.
Haha, Sam has even got 'friends' on her t-shirt. Lame. THIS CONVERSATION IS INTERMINABLE. Ollie: 'It's fine.' It's ALL GOOD, as Siavash said.
If you cut Jim's head off, what would it say all the way through him? GAMEPLANNER. Now he's pretending he wants to go. Pur-lease. But if the public votes for him to stay, he'll do his best to win. Er, don't trouble yourself.
Why does Sam have to justify herself to Ollie? She's not obliged to fancy him. Either way, it's boring as fuck. It's patronising.
I like Luisa being sweet to Liz. Liz needs more friends!
Dappy is telling off Sam for wearing Sam's pig jumper. I want a jumper that squeaks.
Lee's sleeping in the bed with Casey defence: 'I was so tired...' I hate Jasmine so I hope Lee does get back with Casey. Casey is warm and sweet. How is Casey playing games with Lee, Luisa? I think you mean the other way round. How come we never heard Casey say 'I can't wait to fuck you when I get out of this place'? We heard her say 'do you want a blowjob'.
Why is everyone always bagging on Casey?! It's so annoying. Aw, is Lee to tired to get into his own bed again? It's so... far... away. Just... can't... quite... make... it. Cruel to get into bed with someone then say you won't spoon them. Luisa and Linda have BADLY got the wrong end of the stick here.
It's time! FACK IT, Liz has gone. Disappointing. That's a shame. Don't boo her! She's getting some cheers, good. Aw, she looks nice. She did so well in there, you know, for someone so fucked up mentally. Suddenly everyone's on the Liz train! We were on that train from day one.
Liz has post traumatic shock. Emma's still got her coat on indoors. Why is Emma being nice to her? She's been slagging her off non-stop on BOTS. Liz is playing the deaf card, ha. Worked out better for Sam.
Liz: 'I let Lee hold my hand. I miss my dogs.'
I like Liz heavy breathing and scratching her head. LOL to Liz refusing to look at herself. She's got BAD OCD and self esteem issues, hasn't she. I feel for her. I wonder if she's on meds.
I hope Liz writes a scathing article about them all now. Liz and her £85 sock choice. Oh, good old Liz. I love her for not looking at the clips. She doesn't toe the party line.
I love her gurning. And she believes Casey! Good. And she had a go at Jim a bit, good, saying the others wanted him to leave.
Liz is going to go to a Prince concert with Dappy. I'd like to go to that with them, if it wasn't for Prince. I thought Liz's interview was good. 'Dappy's a little meerkat.'
'I think dolphins are aliens.' I would have liked to have seen the context around that comment, too.
Aw, she's going to try and enjoy her life, rather than endure it. And shouldn't that be a lesson to us all?
Bit sad now. Enjoy your nomance, heathens.

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