Thursday, 23 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Shove your nice up your arse

We're halfway through The Hunger Games 2, but have had to pause because it's so fucking long, to watch Big Brother. All we've done all the way through it is make jokes about Big Brother anyway; there's the showmance, the mentors, gameplans, strategy. But thankfully no Jim Davidson. You'd relish sticking an arrow in that tomato face, wouldn't you? Set the cannons off!
Ollie is 'bummed out hard.' I'm not interested in the Towie-mance. I'm not interested in Jim vs Linda. I'm not interested in Lee and Casey.
I do like the idea of sticking Ollie and Sam on the fence, literally. At least Ollie's got his pig jumper on, anyway. Squeak! There's no love for Lee from Sam and Ollie! Ha. They are having to FORCE Ollie and Sam to speak. It's pathetic. Sam seems more willing to get off the fence than Ollie. A LOT more willing. Ollie is just following where she goes.
Ollie is making me LOL. Calling someone a sexist is 'outright vile.' It isn't, when they are. Ollie can't think of a reason for calling Jim sexist. Dappy: you're less sexist than Jim. What an accolade.
Does Ollie have a chance with Sam? Why would Sam say no... when she's on TV.
Ha to Ollie saying Linda starts on Jim. Linda doesn't allow you to have your own opinion. Ollie, why have you changed your opinion? Because Linda told him to!  
I heart this task. Ollie is coming across as such a drip. At least Sam is showing her teeth a bit here. Like, just a snaggletooth, but still. That was actually an original task for once.
Look at the way Jim speaks to people, sorry - women - with the 'I put nothing in your mouth' comment. Disgusting.
Well done to getting yourselves off the fence and on the block, Made in Towie. Why is Ollie bringing up her looking good not wearing make up again? It would piss me off if someone kept saying that to me. I'll wear as much or as little make up as I want, fuck off! I hate guys who go 'I like the natural look'. It makes me want to wear orange lipstick and blue eyeliner.
Lee is carping in the DR again. 'Oh no, someone fancies me, how awful.' BOO HOO.
They didn't show Liz the WHOLE TIME before the eviction. Sad face. Sam's got some Sallie Axl sideboob going on there. Jim looked rather smug.
Face to face noms. Again? How original. Linda's nomming Jim and Ollie. 'You should grow a pair of balls.' to Ollie. How can he, when he's just got that plastic mound? It's true, though. He DID give his opinion today. Under duress, but, you know.
Dappy nominated Luisa for calling him sexist. Dappy's mum would be 'mortified' if she thought he was sexist. She TOLD him to be sexist, so he said the other day. We really need Dappy's mum to clarify her position on BOTS. Dappy also nominated Linda for saying he slept too much, following by admitting he sleeps too much, because he's tired from composing and promoting his album. His mum and his agent (is that the same person?) told him to sleep in the Big Brother house? That's not very entertaining. Everyone's agent sounds like a prick, telling them all to keep their heads down. BORING!
Ollie nommed Jim and Lee and probably shit his pants simultaneously. Why is Ollie always dressed exclusively from the Geri Halliwell range?
Jim nommed Luisa and Linda, somehow bringing Ollie into it for no apparent reason. Oh dear, Jim is bringing up The Dead Husband. Jim, you may have never mentioned him by name, but you certainly brought him up, in a backhanded and insidious manner. Jim can moan that he wouldn't be arguing if Linda and Luisa were in there, but Linda is winning the game for him, so hey ho.
Casey nommed Jim and Dappy for a reason I couldn't fathom, something to do with food. Dappy: 'It's about respect.' OK.
Sam (ie. the entitled bitch who thinks she should be there to the end) nommed Jim and Sam. Everyone seems to have the hump right now.
Lee nommed Sam and Ollie, the fencesitting crew. He nommed Ollie for not sticking up for him. Ollie wouldn't stick up for that horse against Evander Holyfield. Ollie would probably go, 'Well, Evander has his reasons.'
Luisa, you can't change your nominations FFS. What do you think this is?! I'm glad her nominations got cancelled. I would have liked to have known what they were though.
Why is Dappy always going on about his MUM! 'An admirable person', my arse. Mummy's boy! The only swag he's got is his presents from his mummy at Christmas.
Jim, Ollie, Luisa, Linda, and Lee are up. Surely Linda will go.What's up Dappy's arse? Maybe he needs some more sleep. Wee Willie Dappy.
Luisa was going to swap Ollie for Dappy. OMG I hate Linda so much. What a bad loser. Why are they all so shitty about being nominated? It's the game. It's up to the individual who they nominate. If you don't like it, tough shit. They're all so bitter about it.
Why is Dappy blaming other people that he put up Linda? Thank fuck he put up Linda! If I have to look at her miserable face for one more day I'm going to boot my TV over and then wee on it.
Linda to Jim: 'Stop being nice to me.' Talk about can't win. Jim's hardly 'grovelling' by passing her a knife. I wish he's pass it through one of her arteries, tbh. She's the sourest person to ever enter the Big Brother house. She's had 'a fabulous time.' Fucking hell, I'd hate to see her down in the dumps.
Uh oh, Ollie's speaking. Stop speaking. Is this a house meeting? I love watching Dappy's face during bits like this, as he sits gnawing his nails. Linda is giving Ollie evils.
Why is Luisa starting on Ollie now, too? Poor Ollie, he's only trying to have an opinion because he's been told to. I think Luisa is being cruel. She's being a real cow. She has NO manners.'I'm sorry you felt that way' means, I'm not sorry. Luisa, you could have walked off if you were than bothered. Ollie was being a bit earnest but there's no crime against doing a stupid little speech in there. It's a Big Brother staple, just like fencesitting,
Jim is loving Luisa and Ollie arguing. Calm down, Ollie, you're going to burst a blood vessel. Ollie: 'I'm being bullied.' That was the closest thing to bullying I've seen in that house. Jim is virtually doing a victory dance. He's hugging the sexually ambigious Ollie! And he KNOWS. He's another step close to the win. And they're all too dumb to see it.

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