Saturday, 11 January 2014

The Voice 2014: Has it come to this?

I thought I'd waste some more crucial minutes of my life writing a blog no one will read about a show no one watches. No, not CBB, but The Voice. I know. I'm behind so I'm gonna fastforward through this thing like a demon. Unless, of course, it's like great TV, or something. Ha.
Fresh from her latest hate crime, known homophobe and woman-hater Emma Willis is clearly not clogging up enough airtime on CBB, BOTS and in the fucking hub on This Morning, so she's scurried over from Borehamwood to become the new Voice host instead of the equally insincere Holly Willoughby. Reggie has gone, and replaced by another black man (that's that boxed ticked then, BBC) with even less charisma. Yes even less charisma that Reggie. I didn't think that was possible either. Anyway, he's the one from JLS who seems the least interesting. Not that that's difficult.
Nice to see we've got three male judges and one female (box ticked). What has happened to Ricky Wilson? Has he gone anorexic? He actually doesn't look too bad. I always just picture his chubby face and think of one of the most pathetic and childish lyrics in recorded history: 'Every day I love you less and less/ I can't believe once you and me did sex.' Not that anyone has even ever heard that song, nor knows who Ricky Wilson is. Well, anyone who likes the Kaiser Chiefs should be shot in the face, and I'm being lenient. Ha, he created 'a soundtrack to a generation.' NO. RUBY RUBY RUBY is not the soundtrack to any generation. Unless it's the last generation on the planet and all good music has been banned.
Kylie, on the other hand, has always held a special place in my heart. She was my first obsession when I was 9, I had Kylie patches on my jeans, and a Kylie jumper. I even didn't mind some of her later stuff (Confide in Me, that one with Nick Cave) but this whole Spinning Around era Kylie with her eyebrows stapled so far up her forehead she was showing surprise from the moon doesn't really do it for me. Still, you gotta respect her. She's like a cockroach. She's in every era, her face just getting a little tighter and tighter.
This bit where they make then sing in the start is SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING. It's so po-faced and shameful. LOL to Will 'singing' Can't Get you Out of my Head.
Kylie does look good, you know. I like her hair colour. She is beautiful. Has Ricky Wilson had some Rylan grill work done, too?
I wish Tom Jones would go away, he makes me eyes hurt. At least Jessie fucking J and that douche from The Script have gone, hopefully to be incinerated in a car park somewhere.
What the fuck is this Kylie cover with a fucking flamenco guitar. Fuck off. Darius has covered all the reimaginings we'd ever need.
What contestant is going to pick Ricky Wilson over Kylie? I mean, seriously.
The editiong on this show is whack, they spend WAY too long on each singer and all the backslapping and bullshit. The US version is soooo much better than this one. Come back Adam Levine, all is forgiven.
Woah, someone's just pulled out the 'journey' card. GAMEPLANNER. Ooh, she's got nice legs. But they can't see them. Oh they didn't turn round for her. Journey's end. Yeah, we're not bothered about your daughter either. Next!
Harp girl bored the absolute pants off me. If I ever hear Get Lucky again, I'll shoot myself in the face along with the Kaiser Chiefs fans that don't exist.
This comedy 'Xtra Factor' style bits they try and do are so fucking cringe.
Ok, so there was only one decent singer, the kid with the keyboard and they didn't turn round for him. Right.
The next girl sounded like she was going to start playing 'Bigmouth strikes again' and it turned into 'Sexy and I know it.' There are no words to describe that sort of disappointment. Now they are all talking about toilets. I'm fed up with this, now. RUNNING OUT OF GOOD WILL. God help me by the time we get to Big Brother.
SOB STORY ALERT. Fast forward. This older lady actually quite a lovely voice. Better than Sam Bailey's any day of the week. Aw, it was nice when Tom helped her down the steps. Chivalry!
I know it's pointless to say, but where ARE those winners of the previous Voices? I've got Bo Bruce's album (which is excellent), haven't seen much of the actual winners, though. How can they pretend this is what it's even about anymore.
LOL to 'where do I know you from?' 'Crimewatch.' Hey I remember this guy from The Streets! The Streets had a good energy. Blinded by the Light is probably the most accurate song about taking ecstasy you could ever hear (an aural Human Traffic) 'What was I just thinking about, who cares, I'm totally fucking mashed.' Makes me feel nostalgic, ha. Turn the Page is as also as good as any other song you could name. Mike Skinner had a good knack at hitting the nail on the head of whatever the current culture was. I'm talking like he's dead. Where is he?
Why is Streets dude singing 'holding back the years'? Has it come to this? I can't bear this song. I like this guy though. We got history. I love the 'I'm actually blushing right now' chat. Aw Kylie is going all gooey over this guy. He's gotta pick her over Tom! This bit was actually kind of feel good, but I think that's because they were playing Bloc Party in the background. LOL to him picking Kylie 'cos I fancy Charlene.' Sweet.
And that's the end.

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