Saturday, 18 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I'll have sex when I've washed my wheelie bin out

Oh the Dappy IQ wars continue. I thought we'd put that to bed. TEDIOUS! Dappy actually came over as warm and pleasant on the live feed last night talking about the death of his dad. I don't know what's the deal here. He's doing a John McCruick on Diet Coke silence strike.
These people are animals. Breast milk! I've never seen celebrities on the show act like this. I don't want to watch Lee Ryan lactate. He's expelled enough bodily fluids in this house.
I couldn't give a fuck about Casey and Lee making up. 'The fact that you're crying made me look bad.' DON'T MAKE PEOPLE CRY THEN.
I like Ollie and Luisa trying to cheer Dappy up. Dappy's bread willy isn't big enough.'Have one of my sperms.' Urgh.
Ha, Sam and Ollie talking. NOT INTERESTING.I like her jumper, though. Big Brother desperately trying to stoke up a showmance but it's not happening. Jedward had more sexual chemistry than these two.
I am not paying attention to this task. It's one of those tasks that I don't know what it's about, or what's going on, or what the stakes are.
So Lee is meeting a fake superfan. I think even dopey Lee could work out she's an actress. No one has a fringe like that, not even indie kids. Barbell media times!
Lee is being super polite. The other housemates are feeding the 'superfan' questions. I like Ollie doing the shitstirring. This task is about as realistic as Lee's chances of having an LTR with Jasmine.
Oops, Lionel just blew the task! Did Lee SERIOUSLY not suspect? He must be dumb as a rock. I think he was just playing along to get the reward. Even Lee aint this thick.
Aw, look at Liz, all alone on the eviction couch. Will no one hold her hand? There looked to be genuine shock when Lionel got the hoof. Lee making it all about him as usual.
Jim started slagging off Lionel the SECOND he went. Lionel's had 'rows', he's had 'skirmishes'. OK then. Aw to Jim comforting Liz. He's a good shoulder to cry on, when he's not making people cry. That's how bullies operate though, slap you around a bit (literally or metaphorically) and then turn on the charm.
Linda still not happy when Jim has extra wine as it's the wrong colour.
Liz is drunk and admitting she didn't have sex until she was 32! Her husband never saw her without her clothes on. How sad. Liz, love isn't about a Conrad sofa, whatever that is. I wonder why Liz is like she is? It must be so hard for her in that house.
Jim is not enjoying the girl talk. Nice of Luisa to say that Casey can only orgasm on her own! Thanks, Luisa. Remind me not to tell you any secrets. That is very personal!
Linda: 'I had loads of sex with other men but my husband was always there.' Bold words on TV! 'And believe me, Casey, then you orgasm.' I think this has been the most sex positive Big Brother we've EVER seen in this country. Who'd have thought you'd hear an older woman say THAT on TV? Hold on, Jim's back! LOL. So no one is gonna call Linda a slag, now, hmm? Interesting! Good on you, Linda. Who gives a fuck what people think.
But remember a few days ago when Dappy said, 'Ask Linda what she thinks about you sleeping with five men?' Dappy thinks just cos Linda's old, she's never had sex. He must be sitting there thinking 'oops.'
Dappy is naked in the bathroom singing 'Lord Lionel Blair.' What the fuck?! What is going on with Dappy and Luisa in the shower? Ah, they're just mucking about.
Yes, Ollie, you do seem boring in comparison. Jim is doing his grumpy old man routine. How come it's OK when Dappy makes noise but not the girls? Well, we know why, don't we.
BTW, live feed was illuminating last night. Liz talking frankly about animal rights was extremely interesting. Of course, we get to see no interesting conversations in the house, just sex talk and rows. It sucks, really, as we got to see the live feed (for 3 hours at least) when that cunt Carol McGiffin was in there with the misogynist Mario and the nasty Louis Spence, all talking about nothing of interest because they didn't have a soul, an imagination or braincell between them. Shame.

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