Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Face down, arse up

Is it really the penultimate episode of Big Brother? it's been a hell of a ride, but with the the extermination of the fanny rat there's nowhere to go but down. The best days are behind us, but there's still a fight to the death ahead. Who will it be? Creepy old man Jim Davidson? Loveable but naive Casey? 'I'm only being honest' Luisa? Schlong swinger Dappy? And... who are the other two again?
Why are Jim and Casey acting like they're in a Carry On movie? I know Lee's gone now, but Jim?!
Luisa is thanking the peasants - sorry, public - in the Diary Room.
I like Ollie and Dappy being mates, it's cute. Dappy and Jim are working out how to get in the bath with Luisa and Casey. I like the fact Dappy, Ollie and Jim are such different men but all get on.
I think Dappy needs to work on his pranks. Tim from Big Brother Australia could give them a few tips: cutting though someone's curling iron wire, and rubbing garlic on their make up brush and then crying when they put an egg in his jacket pocket.
Why is there Fairy Liquid by the bath? Are they using that as bubble bath? Thrush alert! Casey's probably already got it off Lee Ryan, anyway.
Ollie and Sam are upping their game, going on about willies and vaginas. Desperate.
I'm glad Dappy's getting a task. I like it when Dappy has fun. Not good at freestyling? Boo.
Sam Faier's is pretending she could have been fun if she'd had more booze. Ooh, Jim sticking it to Lionel and no one looked happy. 'Acts like he's gay'! Whatever could he mean?! I hope the Jim mob are taking note of their saviour's behaviour tonight cos he's coming off like a bit of a cock.
Dappy's raps are funny! Spotted dick and fake tan. I would have liked to have seen more of that. Jim: 'I thought it was an album track.'
Jim is LORDING it in that house right now. And also being really crude and creepy. Ollie, stop trying to be street. It's bad enough when Dappy does it. Everyone seems very jolly today, even Ollie and Sam.
Ollie's impressions were pretty shit. Don't give up the day job. Oh...
Ollie, stop doing the whispering talk again. I wouldn't mind whispering in the bedroom. Dappy seems to enjoy the sweet talk, lol. He's game. No wonder Ollie's never pulled a bloke if he's been whispering all these years.
Last chance saloon task. Secret questions from the housemates! I like the fact we find out who asked which question. Casey is dealing with this well.
These questions are all about sex! It's rude. That Linda question was blatant editing. It was a good task though.
Fuck you Ollie and Sam's 'imaginary' romance on the OUTSIDE. Who cares about a romance on the outside. Dappy's horror that Ollie doesn't like doggy style.
Sam's fake tan defense for not standing up to Ollie! What is she wearing? She looks like a neon marker.
Dappy is 'the real bed bully'. TMI. He finds Luisa intimidating. No shit.
Jim, stop playing the bad year card! The year is over! And stop being so fucking disgusting. 'It's been an honour.' Spare me.
Luisa, what a trouper, offering to take the boos for Casey. Hmm, I don't like Luisa and Jim's uneasy alliance, it makes me twitch.
Casey seems like a weight's been lifted now Lee's gone.
Jim: 'It's not attractive being intimidating.' Then, 'If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.' That's Jim's gameplan in one sentence. He spelt it out for you. Are you still going to vote for him? Really?
Oh so it's not OK for Luisa to sleep with men because then they might tell the nice men she wants as boyfriends about it. What is this, the school playground? His views are so outdated and narrow-minded. Then he hints he's been to sex parties. So it's OK for him, then? Same old story, no wonder him and Dappy are bros.
Luisa doesn't need to change to meet the right guy. She just needs to meet the right guy and he'll accept her as she is.
Ollie's date sounds exhausting. My feet would hurt after Borough Market. I don't think Sam wants to go to the Tate Modern either.
Jim reminding Casey that Lee's a fanny rat. Mega lols. That's not a term of endearment for you, either, Casey.
Ollie and Sam know how to do some 'harmless flirting'. Where are the cue cards?
And that's it. Save Dappy, Casey and Luisa. With a miracle, someone other than Jim can win it.

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