Sunday, 5 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Them lot aint packing too tough

OMG I just saw Honey Boo Boo snot out of both nostrils. And they say Big Brother is low brow. Shit like that should come with a health warning.
Meanwhile, could this be the crassest Big Brother ever? Let's hope so. I just finished watching the sublime and wholesome Big Brother Australia, where they don't even boo when housemates get evicted.
Ugh the tap water in the Big Brother house looks white. What's going down in Borehamwood? Celebrities probably require extra fluoride.
Sam: 'your boobs come out' to Jasmine. They didn't come out, they were released.
Is that Luisa really 'born in the 80s' as her t-shirt proclaims? She looks older. 
Lionel has been married 47 years. Evander has 11 children but he only did it 11 times. Evander did a lol! Maybe he will be worth having in the house after all. Imagine if a woman had 11 children. Ulrika be spitting.
Lee's got his camo gear on; ready for war. I couldn't be any less interested in that woman chained to Lee Ryan. My boyfriend said they should swap the people that are handcuffed to each other each day.
Oh it's good they can go in the Diary Room on their own. I like Ollie Locke and his jumper.
Sam is like Jasmine's nursemaid. Lionel sticking his finger up to indicate 'finger-banging' in the DR would make a good gif.
Is it just be or should advertised programme 'botched up bodies' simply be called 'botched bodies'? No matter.
Did Jim Davidson just say 'good' to never having bigger women in magazines! Lovely. Racist, homophobic and now promoting anorexia.
And the award for gross onesie of 2014 goes to Ollie Locke.
Ah, a classic shit stirring task. Dappy's roll eyes for Liz Jones condemning Rhianna for smoking waccy baccy.
I like Evander's random bragging. I like him more tonight! Maybe the jetlag is wearing off, ha.
I like Ollie. I could watch him all day. Bin the onesie, though. Burn the onesie!
Dappy's big dick got him a number one! Ha. Shameless.
I think Sam is duller than Joey Essex and that's saying something.
Liz Jones gets bonus points to me for slagging off Holly Willoughby. Fuck Pippy Schofield!
Linda to Liz: 'why do you feel the need to be controversial?' Cos she gets paid for it, dur.
Why is Dappy skulking around biting his nails? I don't think he likes Liz anymore. Aw.
Jim Davidson: Colombian marching powder FTW. Oh God, is he Bible bashing? He doesn't go near 'strong drugs' anymore. What about weak ones? God saved Jim Davidson! Fuck you, God. *shakes fist at God* Nicely sidestepped being a homophobic racist here.
Dappy's doing some talking to camera in the yard. Not sure what he's saying, though.
The housemates are always suss about journos in the house! Be nice to her and you'll be alright, right? Maybe.
Luisa punching Evander's hand was quite amusing. Her blood on his hand. Don't worry, she probably gets tested regularly for those sex parties. Evander did some good roll eyes in the DR, too. I like the fact he seems sick of Luisa.
So Lionel would evict Liz over Jasmine 'finger bang' waltz? Christ!
Of course the answer to which housemate would Sam evict right now is Jasmine. But she couldn't say that.
Jim Davidson is bringing out the journey card early. Play that card later on! 'Things from 38 years ago'. Surely he means 'non things from 38 years ago.' Yeah we'll all have a good laugh about sex allegations one day. Ha, ha!
Sam setting up Jasmine to sleep with Dappy. Jasmine: 'I'll sleep with any old...'
Why is Dappy doing press ups in the shower? With his hat on?
My boyfriend fancies that woman chained to Lee Ryan! Why!
Why is everyone hating on Liz! Boo! Liz is ace. I'd be chatting to Liz in there all day long.
So it's OK to talk about Dappy's dong but not finger banging! Double standards.
Why must we watch Lee and Casey brush their teeth every night?! She is just BOOBS. What else has she said. 
Luisa saw Evander drop his homophobic gay boxer bomb and tried to stop him. Too late. Uh oh! If your leg is on wrong... comparing being gay to 'handicapped' people! Ohmydays. That's one way to handicap your game alright. I'm watching this late but I guess Twitter just went wild. You're telling me Jim Davidson is in that house and we've got Evander dropping that shit? Oh, Lord! Can we give him a warning, please. Poor Luisa, chained to a bigot. Don't do your vagina tongue face at him. Isn't she bi? Tell him!
Yes, they are giving him a warning! It was a private conversation, ha. On Big Brother.
I can't cope with this Dappy sex scene. 'You've got a tight little ass.' OMG. What is he doing.
Holyfield has a deviated septum and he's a bigot. Dappy is rubbing his dick and going 'told you'. Is this really all happening in one episode? In the third episode? Wowee.
We're going to up our game on the podcast front and do another tonight, too! See you there.

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