Friday, 3 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Live launch

Hello again! It's time! I am watching alone, with alcohol! Beware.
How could they top the magic and ingenious casting of the last CBB? Well, the guests on any given day on This Morning would probably be a more effective strategy. I would pay to see that dude who thought he was Jesus Christ and Martin Lewis in the house over the latest goon from Towie. Surely we're done with the Loose Women now? I've been trying to avoid seeing who's been going in the house, as there's always rumours and half the time they're not true. Talking of This Morning, I'd be quite happy to see Katie Hopkins in there; at least she'd do what they failed to do last time: entertain. I want to hear no moaning about wanting to go home and no crying about missing family for three sodding weeks!
OK. Here we go.
Oh shit, I was fucking about when the credits came on. Recognised Dappy's voice, though.  
Oh God, being shown round the house. Who gives a fuck. Down the farble stairs. No percent marble. It's had an upgrade since the eco stuff, I suppose. I guess a Callum wannabe won't be able to 'take it on board' on a bike. Why is Russia the theme?! Homophobes. Hopefully Putin is in the house. Give him Glenns vodka, that's what I'm on.
Hold up, I'm liking the DR chair. That's more like it, bit of bling.
UGH! Jim Davidson. I'd forgotten about him. Remember when he called Brian Dowling a shirtlifter? That was one of the most horrible things I'd ever seen on television. I'll never forget it and never forgive it.  Disgraceful man. At least Brian doesn't have to pretend to be nice to him. Emma does.
Linda Nolan up next. Not another Nolan. Linda Nolan supports Samaritans though, so she's alright. A Nolan going in is the same as a Loose Woman going in really. Same mum bracket.
Some idiot is now defending Jim Davidson to me on Twitter! Ha! Shameful. Apparently me calling him a cunt is as bad as him doing a hate crime! Pathetic! It's hard tweeting and blogging, you know. It's like old media meets new media. It's like I'm writing with a quill from the future.
Nolan hating Davidson could see her become a hero. Ha, they're handcuffing them together. It's an oldie, but you know. Davidson will just be pleased he's not been handcuffed to a gay person. Linda Nolan appears to be wearing Kat Slater's dressing gown.
I've now been told by the Davidson defender 'not to tweet if i can't take a comment back.' No, I can't take a comment! You've made me cry! Boo hoo! Idiot. If women couldn't 'take a comment' on Twitter THERE'D BE NO WOMEN ON TWITTER. Oh God, I've had a red bull and a half. I'm getting aggressive. It's Big Brother that does this to me, honest.
Dappy! Kicked in the face by a horse. Are they sending the horse in, too? Dappy's mentioning da herb! Dappy FTW. His odds must be horrible. Put a tenner on him! He's got to be wearing that for a joke, right? I liked his retelling of the horse story. Measured up!
OMG they're sending in Liz Jones with Dappy! This is awesome! What fantastic casting. I take it ALL BACK. Liz Jones and Dappy. OMG. Liz Jones makes Katie Hopkins look sane. Liz Jones's articles are so brilliantly entertaining. I can't work out of she's a troll or just mentally ill. I would like any Daily Mail writers in there. Jan Moir, Amanda Plattell, Richard Littlejohn... all would be TV gold. I feel sorry for people who don't know who Liz Jones is yet. You will know her by the trail of the dead!
What goes up, must come down, so here comes a Towie. Someone who actually found Joey Essex attractive. How??!!! I saw this one on This Morning (!) and she actually seemed quite nice. I wonder if she can tell the time?
Who is Jasmine Waltz? Hopefully an arsehole. Oh, she seems quite nice. I like her. It's impossible to drink red bull, do two lots of Twitter bitching and write my blog. Something's got to give. And it's not the red bull.
Linda Nolan was right on it when the drinks got delivered. Don't blame her. Get Jim drunk and get him ejected. AGGRESSIVE? Etc.
I'm actually enjoying this launch show! What is going on? Just heard there's no live feed though, that's a bit of a bummer. I enjoyed that little bit from midnight to three, and I have a tablet now, so could cuddle it in bed like the world's biggest loser.
Is Dappy bitching about his image? Put a sock in it! Or just stand next to Tulisa.
Lee Ryan in next! Also an idiot. Fantastic. I have a secret, I fancy Lee Ryan a bit. I think it's his jug ears, because he sings like he's got his willy trapped in a door. Lee is a team player. That's lucky. What's that jacket he's wearing? He looks like a snooker player. Oh my God, it's a whole suit. Wait til he sees Dappy's, he'll be well jel. Lee Ryan is the best one out of Blue.
Casey looks like more the sort of housemate we expect; a glamour girl! I can cope with one or two when they've put this many obnoxious twats in the house. I think I might end up liking Lee and Dappy.
Next up is Ollie from Made in Chelsea. I hate to say it, but I fancy him, too. I've never seen that show but I've seen him ON things. I prefer his long hair, though. Hopefully Ollie will be like Ben Duncan. I love posh people, anyway. All of them! Except the Royals.
Oh poor Ollie, chained to Lionel Blair. At least we've HEARD of these people. My ex boyfriend has a pair of Lionel Blair's trousers, because they were in a play together and Lionel took a liking to him. Is that libelous? It's just hearsay! Apparently Lionel is straight. I'll just leave that there.
Ok, so I'm running out of steam now. Are we done? We're never done, are we? There's always some stupid twist. Oh, the twist is the handcuffs. Well, I can handle that.
Oh, two more. Luisa from The Apprentice. I don't watch The Apprentice because it's a dead format. Unlike Big Brother which can basically go on forever. She's just going on about being bi, basically. She has impressive eyebrows. I can't think of any Alan Sugar jokes.
Last in, Evander Holyfield. I'm guessing they spent a few quid on him. Looks like they've spent a few quid all round, actually. I know nothing about this guy apart from his ear getting bitten off. He seems pretty awkward. Not too keen on being handcuffed either. Don't you just hate men like that?
I can't take my eyes off Daffy's suit. At least Jim won't be racist with a black boxer in the house. Will he?!
Why has everyone got their name tags on wonky? Sack the props department!
That's quite an impressive side parting Dappy's got going on there. How tall is he, four foot? Are they sure it was a horse that kicked him and not a Shetland pony?
So Linda and Jim got to free one pair and could choose themselves. Bet they don't. People are always acting like do-gooders on BBUK. On BBUS they'd be slitting throats.
Why are Jim and Linda separating Dappy and Liz?! They are ruining the magic! Boo! Liz and Dappy WERE happy together! Oh no! Dappy and Liz are up for eviction. That fucking blows. It better be a vote to save. They are potentially the two most interesting in there.WHY with all the stupid twists! WHY!!! Just as I'm enjoying myself everything is RUINED!
BTW: for those who care, podcast tomorrow, AM. I am going to start drinking as soon as I wake up just for the benefit of it. I will bleed every last drop of this Christmas holiday before I go back to work! See you there.

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