Saturday, 4 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Noble and fucking dope

Ooh, hello. Please spare us an 8 hour recap. Who knew Jim Davidson was an OBE? Mind you, the Queen loves alleged (and genuine) sex offenders. Should I rephrase that? Nah, sod it. I'm no Sally Bercow. Woman!
Everything that comes out of Jim's mouth is cringeworthy. Everything is sexual or just horrible. 'I've been staring at you for a week' are not words you want to hear come out of his mouth, either.
Liz Jones' face says it all. It's like her and Dappy are speaking different languages. Dappy: 'I'm a cool, young character.' Well, if you say so. Stick with Dappy, Liz, you'll go far. Or get evicted. One or the other.
So we've got Lionel to blame for Jim's fame. Thanks, Lionel.
Jasmine putting vodka down her pants already; that's my girl. They shouldn't give them spirits! Give them more spirits.
Evander seems totally lost. Poor sod. Does he really need the money? Dappy telling Evander about his media image. Who cares!
Let's see how long 'we've got a nice bunch of people' lasts.
I have that throw they have hanging over the couch. £30 in the sale on Very. Opulent indeed!
This handcuff thing is crap. Are you telling me they have to poo in front of each other. This is why we've got no live feed, cos as soon as the show finishes, they all get unhandcuffed and probably sent to Jackie Stallone's private suite. I know your game, Big Bruvver!
Dappy and Liz seem one of the happiest couples together, to be honest. I love Dappy, he is 100% entertainment. No doubt he'll be out on his ear first.
Oh dear, Dappy is going 'I'm not going home.' Wolfy!
Jim Davidson banging on about 'showbusiness. 'Evander has got jet-lag; the Spencer and Heidi defence.
I think I'd rather be chained to Big Ron than Evander. His social skills needs a little work. I feel sorry for The Apprentice chief vagina licker. Evander is upset he can't put on his pyjamas. Luisa: 'I don't want to sleep in this dress, it's quite expensive.' They're not going to make then sleep in the handcuffs.
Evander is telling his one story about Mike Tyson. Might as well evict him now. Luisa looks bored out of her brain. Oh God, a Christian, too. Bring back Stephen Baldwin.
Dappy: journo hate. He loves Liz Jones. Wait until he sees what she writes about him after. Dappy, you're not allowed to say 'pow, pow pow' in the Big Brother house, haven't you heard. He's got bare things up his sleeve. Give Dappy a cigar and he'll be set. Which 'brunette ting' is he after? VOLUMPTUOUS. Ha. Dappy is better than I could have even dreamt.
Liz is missing Dappy She always looks stressed, ha.
Respect to Jasmine for keeping hold of her drink when she fell over. That's a true gamer.
Jasmine is dragging Towie round like a reluctant dog. WTF is up with her? She's a mess!
LOL to Dappy on the pull! 'Do you like bad boys?' OMG he's taking advantage of a drunk woman! Did he try and bite her?
I like this Jasmine, she knows what she wants. I wouldn't fuck with her.
What medical reasons give Lionel his own bed! Has he got an orthopedic mattress? How can you sleep handcuffed, it's a health hazard.
Jasmine's got the boobs out! Wowee. She is gonna be GOOOOOOOOD value. OMG, she's assaulting Lee Ryan.
I feel really sorry for Sam from Towie now! She can't even go DR and plead sexual assault! Where did they find her! What she's done has been worse than Daley in my opinion.
Dappy has his Dappy hat on! Isn't it wrong to make Sam breathe Jasmine's second hand smoke? This task has got health hazard written all over it.
Lionel doesn't look too pressed with the 'finger bang' each other talk. Even Dappy is appalled. That was TMI and then some. Indecent! I love how gentlemanly Ollie is.
Lionel doesn't expect to hear A GIRL say things like that. A man saying things like that is A-OK!
Jasmine is 'spiritual'. This is why I'm an atheist. She makes Charlotte from Geordie Shore look like Brian Sewell. What a first night show, though! Amazing.

No comments: