I have just started a new job and asked my colleagues today if they'd be watching Big Brother tonight. I got the stock response: 'I watched the first year or two' and 'What channel is it on now?'
So why does Big Brother endure for me, and those like me, ie. you, who read my blog or listen to my podcast? I think it's a few things; for me it's a nostalgia that never ends, a shared dialogue, shared memories, a shared youth. For us hardcore who still hang on, my friends, my age group, like Morrissey fans, we're part of an exclusive club, that was once considered cool or at least popular, but is now something people have forgotten, except the people who haven't. It's a secret club.
An example of why I love Big Brother took place this week: James (my Big Brother Bile co-host and boyfriend) said to me the other day (in Spain!), 'You're not in Heartbeat now, m'dear!' And I just cracked up laughing. He was quoting Spencer Pratt talking to Trisha Penrose. Who? Exactly! And it's part of our shared currency, our shared lives, those moments that people have long forgotten, like that, or ones everyone remembers (Nasty Nick/ Jade vs Shilpa). It's our lives, as well as theirs.
So whatever happens now, it will me more shared dialogue for all of us fans, more things to quote, hate, love, get mad about. I'm loyal to to the things I love. And I love Big Brother, and this little community, that I didn't even realise existed, but that I found out about through things like Scott Hudson's BBUK interviews and then the Couch Potatoes podcast. I think Dr Detroit first used the words 'Big Brother community' and it was a revelation to me. I thought I was just a loser watching Big Brother, yet here were people of all ages and nationalities talking about the things I like. It was brilliant, and it's great to be a part of that (I'm still a loser, but we're a gang of losers, and that's cool.)
And now to slag it all off to fuck. Haha! I try not to look at too much pre-show stuff, so I only know Timebomb, and the fact they can reverse time, ie. recycle old tasks, housemates, twists etc.
'Expect the unexpected' - check. People going 'ooh, ooh'. Check.
I like Emma's short hair! I tried to do short hair recently and failed miserably. I look like Myra Hindley.
A 'world first' is coming up! Arisa Cox is telling us something's a world first every week on Big Brother Canada and it's just like the freeze task or some shit. There's now so many twists on Big Brother Canada, it's like a running joke. I know BBUK isn't too far behind.
Ooh, the house. I heart the sofa. The house looks very nice. Looks like they've spent a few quid and the bedroom isn't making my eyes bleed like the Big Brother Canada monstrosity. Are those real fish? They'll be dead in a week. Still, at least they can cut to them when people are being racist like they do in BBUS. Bit sad watching this on my own though, this should be a Friday night, not a bloody Tuesday! Boo. I'm not even drunk!
First in is Chloe. Just what we don't need, a new Charlotte Crosby. A young White Dee. She doesn't like posh people. I bet they LOVE her. Said something about Asda in her VT so we've got the measure of her.
Next up is Keiran. This guy is 30? Time has not been kind. He's a black guy in a plastic jacket. He is bugging me already. Is this the best two they've got? Oh dear. Also, why is BB starting so early this year? I hate having two BBs on the go. If I have to have three by June I'll have the hump as there's only so much moaning one woman can do.
Simon is in next - 46, that's positively ancient. If what you were after is a melted Louis Spence, then you're onto a winner. Not sure why he's getting booed though (except the fact he's camp as Christmas, of course). Why IS he getting such a booage? Homophobes! No doubt they'll be telling me they just don't like jazz hands on BOTS.
Next in is Jade, an Irish polyamorous high end lingerie model. That's a few boxes ticked right there. Tick that on a job application form and you've aced it. She's attractive, but why has she got my mum's hair? I like her cape.
Joel is a aspiring politician who said the buzzword 'immigration' and that his cat was white. Is he a cat racist? He wants to bring 'compulsory fun and laughter' to the house. Ahh, the young Cheggers. He hates political correctness. Yeah, I hate showing people respect, too. What a cunt. He's also one of these that looks like he's got a permanant fart under his nose, like that one from The Wanted. He looks soooo young. Which makes me feel soooo old. Another reason to hate him.
Ooh hello. A white rapper, my favourite. He's actually cute but that jumper over the shoulders is unforgivable. Cristian? Actually I just looked at him again. Not cute actually.In fact, has he got 'fart nose' as well? Is that catching?I hope he does some rapping forthwith. You'd think Emma was quizzing him on Newsnight from the struggle it was for him to answer a couple of simple questions. This guy is dumb as a rock.
Next in is a cafe girl in an egg dress. This sounds like the new Lily Allen song. Another fucking racist. A racist Stacey Solomon, in fact. Jackass won't like that. Not what the world asked for, and not OK. Went in chewing gum and going 'oh my fucking days'. Classless. She doesn't drink? (Alkie!) Ha, and later someone went 'why would anyone not drink?' Good point.
If what you're looking for in your next housemate is Jack and Joe rolled into one lump, you're in luck. He's even CALLED Jack. Calling women 'birds' non stop. Prick. He's promising 'non stop chaos'. Cut to hiding under the kitchen counter, crying. His friends call him 'pieface'. Let's just cut the crap and call him 'cuntrag.' People seem to like him. People are idiots. Just ask Helen Wood.
Next up, the MILF Samanda. I like twins in the house. They look like Josie Gibson after a spillage in the botox factory. Did Marcus Bentley really just say 'they're nicknamed Twinny Towers?' Call Offcom! I can't get away with those sorts of puns, so why can they? Haha. God bless 'em. They seem the most likeable so far, so the bar is pretty fucking low. Haha, they're 27! I think they meant 72.
A boob obsessed black lesbian in next; the UKIP kid won't be impressed, but Channel 5's diversity charter has been filled with just one launch show's worth of housemates. Good stuff. Adjoa looks drunk and she's a pastor's daughter. Figures.
ANOTHER posho! Nick. 'I do nothing for a living. Yeah, I'm a twat.' He has breakfast in bed, watches cartoons and goes in the swimming pool. Sounds alright to me. I like him. I liked it when he went in and said 'somebody hug me', it seemed genuine. This is my posho. This is my winner. *cut to him being evicted the first week*
What is this version 4.4 and above Android shit Emma is banging on about? It's worse that Brian Dowling saying don't vote if you're watching on plus one. Save the technical stuff for the small print.
Ugh, someone who likes football. Danny. He loves beers and the boys and hates stuck up people. Funny that, I fucking LOVE THEM. Better than sexist football loving lager louts, anyway. Probably a closet case. I liked the line, 'I do drink, heavily' though. He's just a boring, supposedly good looking cardboard 'Home and Away' style alleged 'hunk'. And like Ash, he'll be around for decades. But does he have a catchphrase as good as 'absolutely fantastic'? I DOUBT IT.
Fucking hell, look at Adjoa's white trousers. I'm not sure anyone in the world can carry off white trousers. Or catsuits.
Sarah has impressive eyebrows. She likes arguments (check, Helen Wood). She halfway through a law degree? Better call Saul? I agreed with her comment 'I don't like it when women say they don't like other women' until she added 'it's because they're normally a tramp.' Her VT was one of the best, classic trolling. She is beautiful. And evil. A winning combination. Hope she has a scrap with mum hair. She looks like butter wouldn't melt going in, all teeth and shiny hair! Scally Axl.
I don't get this 'showbiz' dude. The real Louis Spence did crap on the show, so why do we have to deal with this gone off one? Rubbish! Lazy casting.
But first, it's the last housemate. Aaron. He seems more like it. I like his pyjamas, sorry, tracksuit. I'm surprised he had to come out to his mum. I think he's nice looking but not sure about his zebra outfit. I think Marcus Bentley just said that Aaron was 'the first man to qualify as a beauty therapist in Northampton.' 'Beauty' and 'Northampton' go together like 'Northampton' and 'University.' Beauty in Northampton is polishing your DMs. There was no beauty therapy when I grew up there, just LSD and snakebite and then everyone looked attractive, no threading required.
Ooh, another one. Eileen! I thought Aaron was it. I've seen this woman somewhere before. Ah, she was on X Factor. I think she was with some old dude. She seems like a good character. Did she say 'Proskecko'?! How old is she? 10 different shades of red lipstick, that's my girl. At last, a decent housemate. So far I only like Aaron, Eileen and Nick ie. all the ones the other ones will gang up to get out. These are the ones who intrigue me.
Now we gotta vote on something. But we don't know what?! It's like the election all over again, although this time I'll actually vote. If I could have voted for a politician via an app, I might have actually bothered. Also, if they hadn't put so much paper through my door.
So we get two minutes to vote, but we're not told what for, and still we vote. Fucking idiot general public in action. I voted for Nick because I like putting my favourite in dire jeopardy.
So five housemates have got to pick a 'timebomb' and each contains a prize or punishment. Some jokers have voted for Showbiz. But also NICK. Pieface, Adjoa and Jade. Seems a bit of an odd choice. What about Eileen?!
Pieface has got three immunity passes. He wouldn't have been up anyway. WTF has Nick got! Whhhhaaaat he's got to nominate face to face? Bullshit. His private nominations would have been funny.
Jade got a luxury shopping budget for herself, also known as a slop pass.
WHAT!? Whoever 'destinates' the eviction timebomb will leave the house immediately. Bullshit. 'There are no secret rooms'. Also bullshit. Haha, they can swap! Someone said it's like Deal or No Deal. Correct. Never swap! I know it is blue, etc.
Showbiz has GOTTA GO. Thank God it's not a pass to the final. Adjoa dodged a bullet there and then some.
What the FUCK are the producers doing?! Of course I'm thrilled Showbiz is gone but unless itwas a fix, which it wasn't (was it) that was a HUGE risk. Why bother going through the whole casting process just to throw someone away like that? It was a pure miracle that the sadistic Twitter crowd picked Showbiz, that could have been your favourite doing jazz hands out the door! It doesn't bear thinking about. I would be fuming if I had voted and had a hand in that.
Showbiz didn't look too sorry to be going - 'that's showbiz, baby!' I like the fact he got best bits. His best bits would have been the same after a month, too.
OMG him shouting 'fuck off' at the crowd at the end, I was dying. He was sooooo annoying.But that 'twist' was just mental. Also, not a world first, they did virtually the same thing in BBUS one year.
It's all fun and games until you've put a bet on and then they just throw the bookies favourite out one week, or get some would-be rapist to hit a button and walk off with half the prize money, isn't it?
All I can say is, have the bomb squad on standby. Simon's early boot is karmic retribution for Helen's pass to the final. But still, some evils cannot be undone. And as for Simon? It's time to face the final curtain.