Happy new year! Enjoying Eastenders? Me neither.
I usually like to liven up my soap blogs by alternating the brilliant Corrie with the tragic (and I don't mean that sympathetically) Eastenders. But there's no Corrie tonight, so let's do this.
Firstly, I think the dead baby swap storyline is completely tasteless. Dead babies are bad enough, but we can't just have one grieving couple, we have to have two, because it's Eastenders. Eastenders has gone from bad to worse for the past 12 months, but normally it's just appalling acting and boring storylines. This crosses a line into something that might actually affect people who've had a baby die (and please stick your helpline up your arse, n'all).
And more to the point, why can't Ronnie have a happy ending? Why can't ANYONE? Argh, I need to stop watching this programme, but it's harder than giving up Zopyclone.
How did Kat get so pale so quick? Does she apply that orange stuff daily? WHY? So many questions. No reasonable answers.
Jack looks haggard. Bet he wishes he'd stayed away dancing. Even being in close quarters with Anne Widdecombe would be preferable to this all-out misery-fest.
One good thing about this storyline is it's shut Kat and Alfie up and stopped their pathetic, overdone hammy acting for a few episodes. I can't stand either of them- I wish the pair of them had been incinerated along with their wardrobes back in 2001.
Syed hasn't been seen in months and when he does turn up him and Christian are arguing about a kiss that never even seemed to happen. Why can't they be happy? Why can't anyone be happy? Except Auntie Kim. Make her less happy. Invisible, even.
When is Kat going to take her hospital gown off? Aw, that was sad when she was sitting on the swings. I'm very weepy right now, and this isn't helping. Uh oh, Alfie's making up stories of how the baby died. Kat's going to think he killed him next.
Ugh; how long are they going to drag this out for? They should send us free Valium with our TV licence.
Showing posts with label soap blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soap blog. Show all posts
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Monday, 6 December 2010
Soap & Gory: Tram-a-lolz
Soap bloodbath! Gotta be due a blog.
Funny; I've never seen those trams trundling over Coronation Street. CGI trams! They should have just had the street hit by an asteroid instead, it's more fun. I mean they had ghosts in it last month- it's not so big a leap.
Molly is catching the tram! I don't think anyone in the history of the Street has ever caught that tram before. Oh, because it wasn't there.
I actually don't know who's going to die; except that Ashley and Claire might, which is fine by me.
The picture looks different; I think they're shooting it with a different kind of camera. HD? Everything looks a bit yellow. Mind you, my mum did give me some codeine earlier.
What's going on with Leanne's hair? She looks like My Little Pony. She must have some tasty sugarlumps, she's very much in demand.
Molly is a hard-(potato)faced one. Poor old Tyrone. Please let this storyline come on top this week, they've been dragging it out almost as long as an Eastenders storyline.
Hope Carla doesn't die! She's my favourite character. I'm still mourning the loss of Tony Gordon.
This storyline with John Stape and Charlotte blows. Hope he dies.
Are those gunshot wounds all over Sean's shirt? No? Shame.
Not interested in Lloyd's (non) girlfriend and her ex. When are the explosions going to start?
It's times like this, when Nicky Platt is on screen, I pine for Madame Rickitt. This 2nd dude is such a shit actor. Did you see him on the faux Jeremy Kyle show? David Platt acted him off the stage.
What could there be possibly left for Tyrone to see in Molly? I preferred her when she was fat and nice. 'You made me tell you'. Cruel.
NEXT: fire! Screaming! We could have done with a bit of that in the first episode, I think.
Oh, well, Eastenders never disappoints (!)
Let's have a fantasy tram crash for Eastenders. In fact, it would be quicker to name who to keep: Max, Phil, Christian, Syed, Dot, Shirley, Tamwar. They can all be hiding in the launderette when the bomb drops.
Actually, forget the crash. For the firing squad: Alfie and Kat. Buried alive: Janine, Ryan and Stacey (oh and Stacey's mum, they'll enjoy that). Beaten to death with a baseball bat: Billy, Ian and Jay. Drowned like kittens in a bag: Glenda, 'skidmark' woman and Zainab.
Why is everyone under the illusion Ryan is good-looking? He's dull as fuck, and looks a bit like a chimp, but not enough to be appealing. He's hardly the new Dennis, is he? Casting directors: please try harder.
Lily's 'records' just appear to be blank pieces of paper; well done props department. Ah, they were busy making Whitney's 'brap' T-shirts. Spare me.
WTF is going on with Phil, Jay and Carol's bit of stuff? Actually, I'm not interested.
Stacey's wallpaper is horrific. No wonder she went mental.
CORRIE! CORRIE! CORRIE! Bring on the (fire) wall.
Fuck this build-up, get on with it. The Tyrone and Molly thing should be massive. Now it's just like a bit of comedy filler with Janice.
Don't be sexist, Tyrone, have some decorum.
That doctor looks like Liam (RIP). Come on, bring on the dis-Joinery.
The hammer attack was quite good (and gory). Wacky camera angles, too.
It strikes me that Becky's not that good a guardian to that Max; she's lost him twice in a week.
Pissed off with this episode; it's all just flim flam. Bring on the rubble! Come come nuclear bomb.
LOL, well that was good for the last five minutes. Final Dev-stanation! So why did The Joinery just blow up? Ken seemed almost non-plussed 'that's my son in there'. The actually tram coming through was funny as fuck. They probably spent about 100K on special effects that bad. Exciting, though! I really wanted to see that sweetie jar fall on Rita's head. So I'm guessing Molly's dead, which will leave Kevin to bring up the baby. Hope Peter Barlow survives.
That ITN news 'live from the street' sounds like a great idea for the mentally ill. Disturbing!
Funny; I've never seen those trams trundling over Coronation Street. CGI trams! They should have just had the street hit by an asteroid instead, it's more fun. I mean they had ghosts in it last month- it's not so big a leap.
Molly is catching the tram! I don't think anyone in the history of the Street has ever caught that tram before. Oh, because it wasn't there.
I actually don't know who's going to die; except that Ashley and Claire might, which is fine by me.
The picture looks different; I think they're shooting it with a different kind of camera. HD? Everything looks a bit yellow. Mind you, my mum did give me some codeine earlier.
What's going on with Leanne's hair? She looks like My Little Pony. She must have some tasty sugarlumps, she's very much in demand.
Molly is a hard-(potato)faced one. Poor old Tyrone. Please let this storyline come on top this week, they've been dragging it out almost as long as an Eastenders storyline.
Hope Carla doesn't die! She's my favourite character. I'm still mourning the loss of Tony Gordon.
This storyline with John Stape and Charlotte blows. Hope he dies.
Are those gunshot wounds all over Sean's shirt? No? Shame.
Not interested in Lloyd's (non) girlfriend and her ex. When are the explosions going to start?
It's times like this, when Nicky Platt is on screen, I pine for Madame Rickitt. This 2nd dude is such a shit actor. Did you see him on the faux Jeremy Kyle show? David Platt acted him off the stage.
What could there be possibly left for Tyrone to see in Molly? I preferred her when she was fat and nice. 'You made me tell you'. Cruel.
NEXT: fire! Screaming! We could have done with a bit of that in the first episode, I think.
Oh, well, Eastenders never disappoints (!)
Let's have a fantasy tram crash for Eastenders. In fact, it would be quicker to name who to keep: Max, Phil, Christian, Syed, Dot, Shirley, Tamwar. They can all be hiding in the launderette when the bomb drops.
Actually, forget the crash. For the firing squad: Alfie and Kat. Buried alive: Janine, Ryan and Stacey (oh and Stacey's mum, they'll enjoy that). Beaten to death with a baseball bat: Billy, Ian and Jay. Drowned like kittens in a bag: Glenda, 'skidmark' woman and Zainab.
Why is everyone under the illusion Ryan is good-looking? He's dull as fuck, and looks a bit like a chimp, but not enough to be appealing. He's hardly the new Dennis, is he? Casting directors: please try harder.
Lily's 'records' just appear to be blank pieces of paper; well done props department. Ah, they were busy making Whitney's 'brap' T-shirts. Spare me.
WTF is going on with Phil, Jay and Carol's bit of stuff? Actually, I'm not interested.
Stacey's wallpaper is horrific. No wonder she went mental.
CORRIE! CORRIE! CORRIE! Bring on the (fire) wall.
Fuck this build-up, get on with it. The Tyrone and Molly thing should be massive. Now it's just like a bit of comedy filler with Janice.
Don't be sexist, Tyrone, have some decorum.
That doctor looks like Liam (RIP). Come on, bring on the dis-Joinery.
The hammer attack was quite good (and gory). Wacky camera angles, too.
It strikes me that Becky's not that good a guardian to that Max; she's lost him twice in a week.
Pissed off with this episode; it's all just flim flam. Bring on the rubble! Come come nuclear bomb.
LOL, well that was good for the last five minutes. Final Dev-stanation! So why did The Joinery just blow up? Ken seemed almost non-plussed 'that's my son in there'. The actually tram coming through was funny as fuck. They probably spent about 100K on special effects that bad. Exciting, though! I really wanted to see that sweetie jar fall on Rita's head. So I'm guessing Molly's dead, which will leave Kevin to bring up the baby. Hope Peter Barlow survives.
That ITN news 'live from the street' sounds like a great idea for the mentally ill. Disturbing!
Monday, 7 June 2010
Soap and Ammo: Lord, have Mercy
Typical Corrie; normally the storylines revolve around Ken's tawdry affairs and Norris selling penny sweets; the minute they go all Die Hard, some inadequate goes garrity with a sniper rifle in Cumbria. Result: no Corrie for almost a week. Presumably, the grieving friends and family won't be offended this week. Unless they watch Eastenders.
It is a joy to see Tony's boggle-eye back on the cobbles; even if he is hamming it up somewhat. I like Carla giving it back to him ('under-endowed'!); Carla is one of the best soap characters ever; glamorous, cool, sexy. Why IS she going out with that bin man? It makes less than no sense. How can they keep Tony in the show as a escaped murderer? They can't, can they? He's coming out of that factory in a body bag. Sob.
Oh, and a word on the new credits. Boo. Change the theme tune! Put a drum machine on it.
Gail's trial! Burn the witch. Only Corrie could be so bombastic as to run two such big storylines together; if Eastenders give you a well-written, exciting storyline, they make you eat up a big pile of Heather doing karaoke in between.
Hayley is taking being a hostage extremely well. I'd be gibbering. This siege is not very scary so far. It's like a comedy siege. Ooh, the accomplice just bought it. I take it all back. I HAVE been affected by this storyline.
Talking of which, onto Eastenders. Which storyline have you enjoyed most recently? Ben's personality transplant? The thought of Pat and Peggy's having sex with the same bloke? Liam's maths homework? Fatboy and friends enjoying a sojourn to the countryside? I know, the fun never starts!
This new Zoe Lucker character is good, isn't it! Very well rounded. Mind her handbag, Max. Wow, that romp lasted the same amount of time it too Minty to fit three cliches into one sentence.
I heard they are replacing Lucy Beale with a new actress. My boyfriend will be disappointed, as he fancies the current one. I wish they'd replace the following characters: Lucas & family (including Denise's 'zany' sister), Janine & co, all the Slaters, all the new young ones (except Fatboy), Heather, Minty, wheelchair kid (your mum left, why don't you fuck off), Carol Jackson, Liam Butcher/Jackson, Owen's mum (see wheelchair kid reasoning but replace 'mum' with 'son'), Danny Mitchell, Danny Mitchell's mum. What I'd replace them with? A Syed and Christian year-long special in which they go to Lesbos and live happily ever after.
What the fuck is this Mercy character and her offensive stereotype of an aunt all about? I feel like I've missed something, but actually they just never bothered to write it. Even if they had, I'd rather watch Hamster-girl sing me through the latest Glee covers albums.
I want to see Bianca's Forever Friends nightie. Apparently they are re-writing the Lucas storyline because it's so controversial in light of the massacre. They can barely write something the first time around; I dread to think what the alternate version will be.
Theoretically, this Eastenders lasts the same amount of minutes as Coronation Street, so why does it feel three times as long?
Oh god, please don't stay Mercy. You're fucking useless.
Back to Corrie! Transphobia from Tony! Leave Hayley alone, you monster. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria.
Look at that casual sexism from the Boyzone twat! First trannies, now women. Who's next?
Don't hit Carla, you brute. You'll ruin her hair. I feel I was a little unfair on Eastenders. There are a few characters Tony could happily off for me tonight: Julie, Sean, bin man, Kevin, Kevin's dad, Molly's aunt, Sally, Rosie, Rosie's sister, Maria, Rita, Norris's girlfriend, Emily Bishop, all Windasses, Boyzone dude, Tyrone, Gail, Audrey, Audrey's gigolo, Jason, Chesney, Ashley & Claire & their kids, Jack Duckworth, Jack Duckworth's sugar mum, Liz; I could go on.
This Corrie has been a bit scarier (and more violent) than the first.
How could Tony say Maria was a better lay than Carla? Maria is one step up from an amoeba. It doesn't ring true. Kirk is sexier than her.
Why did Nicky Platt go from trying to avoid that hairdresser to her virtually living there? It seems like they forgot to write the bit after the first date. Storyline fail. I honestly don't miss this this show, so it can't just be me.
TONY. Don't toast the knicker factory. Think of the fumes from all that polyester. Think of the ozone layer. BANG.
It is a joy to see Tony's boggle-eye back on the cobbles; even if he is hamming it up somewhat. I like Carla giving it back to him ('under-endowed'!); Carla is one of the best soap characters ever; glamorous, cool, sexy. Why IS she going out with that bin man? It makes less than no sense. How can they keep Tony in the show as a escaped murderer? They can't, can they? He's coming out of that factory in a body bag. Sob.
Oh, and a word on the new credits. Boo. Change the theme tune! Put a drum machine on it.
Gail's trial! Burn the witch. Only Corrie could be so bombastic as to run two such big storylines together; if Eastenders give you a well-written, exciting storyline, they make you eat up a big pile of Heather doing karaoke in between.
Hayley is taking being a hostage extremely well. I'd be gibbering. This siege is not very scary so far. It's like a comedy siege. Ooh, the accomplice just bought it. I take it all back. I HAVE been affected by this storyline.
Talking of which, onto Eastenders. Which storyline have you enjoyed most recently? Ben's personality transplant? The thought of Pat and Peggy's having sex with the same bloke? Liam's maths homework? Fatboy and friends enjoying a sojourn to the countryside? I know, the fun never starts!
This new Zoe Lucker character is good, isn't it! Very well rounded. Mind her handbag, Max. Wow, that romp lasted the same amount of time it too Minty to fit three cliches into one sentence.
I heard they are replacing Lucy Beale with a new actress. My boyfriend will be disappointed, as he fancies the current one. I wish they'd replace the following characters: Lucas & family (including Denise's 'zany' sister), Janine & co, all the Slaters, all the new young ones (except Fatboy), Heather, Minty, wheelchair kid (your mum left, why don't you fuck off), Carol Jackson, Liam Butcher/Jackson, Owen's mum (see wheelchair kid reasoning but replace 'mum' with 'son'), Danny Mitchell, Danny Mitchell's mum. What I'd replace them with? A Syed and Christian year-long special in which they go to Lesbos and live happily ever after.
What the fuck is this Mercy character and her offensive stereotype of an aunt all about? I feel like I've missed something, but actually they just never bothered to write it. Even if they had, I'd rather watch Hamster-girl sing me through the latest Glee covers albums.
I want to see Bianca's Forever Friends nightie. Apparently they are re-writing the Lucas storyline because it's so controversial in light of the massacre. They can barely write something the first time around; I dread to think what the alternate version will be.
Theoretically, this Eastenders lasts the same amount of minutes as Coronation Street, so why does it feel three times as long?
Oh god, please don't stay Mercy. You're fucking useless.
Back to Corrie! Transphobia from Tony! Leave Hayley alone, you monster. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria.
Look at that casual sexism from the Boyzone twat! First trannies, now women. Who's next?
Don't hit Carla, you brute. You'll ruin her hair. I feel I was a little unfair on Eastenders. There are a few characters Tony could happily off for me tonight: Julie, Sean, bin man, Kevin, Kevin's dad, Molly's aunt, Sally, Rosie, Rosie's sister, Maria, Rita, Norris's girlfriend, Emily Bishop, all Windasses, Boyzone dude, Tyrone, Gail, Audrey, Audrey's gigolo, Jason, Chesney, Ashley & Claire & their kids, Jack Duckworth, Jack Duckworth's sugar mum, Liz; I could go on.
This Corrie has been a bit scarier (and more violent) than the first.
How could Tony say Maria was a better lay than Carla? Maria is one step up from an amoeba. It doesn't ring true. Kirk is sexier than her.
Why did Nicky Platt go from trying to avoid that hairdresser to her virtually living there? It seems like they forgot to write the bit after the first date. Storyline fail. I honestly don't miss this this show, so it can't just be me.
TONY. Don't toast the knicker factory. Think of the fumes from all that polyester. Think of the ozone layer. BANG.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Klever Kitchens: A Eulogy
Yes, it's Monday night, soap time! Sorry the 'tainment has been on the quiet side, I'm in the process of moving house, so blogging has been replaced by calling up the council tax people, cleaning the oven and deciding which shoes to throw out. OK, I haven't really cleaned the oven. But I bought some oven cleaner!
TV has been pretty ropey anyway; I feel like the schedulers have forgotten about us; no good documentaries, no decent entertainment. American Idol has been too wishy washy this year, I can't get a handle on who I really like. I watched Dawn Porter's My Breasts Could Kill Me, but it was one of her weaker documentaries, unnecessarily dragged out over two shows, and consisting mainly of her going 'oh I'm really scared!' Zzzz. (you did get to see her boobs though, and they were pretty impressive).
The only programme I've been really getting off on is Celebrity Rehab! Dr Drew is my new idol. Download it! It's Big Brother, but with drug addict celebrities. What more do you want?
Anyway. SOAPS. Corrie has been quite good lately, what with Simon absconding from Blackpool (who could blame him?) Peter Barlow should kick that granddad's arse. I've never thought much of Leanne as a character but she's been quite good lately. Her sad but trying to be brave acting was quite good. Ken should never have let George take that child in the first place!
Jason with his top off! Gratuitous.
I've noticed Tina has looked less orange that usual since she's been grieving, it suits her. She's lost a lot of her chutzpah as a character in recent months though. I preferred her with David.
Gail looks like a Cluedo piece in that roll-neck. Gail on the boat with the puffa jacket. Deadly!
I do fancy Nicky Platt #2 a bit though; even though he's not just as good as Madame Rickett, I have a soft spot for him from when he was in Footballers Wives. I kind of like a jug-eared man from time to time, it's a bit sexy.
Mentions of Ton-eh! Aww I miss Ton-eh. Can't he come back? Acquit him! We need his googly eyed charms. He was ten times sexier than Nicky Platt #1 or #2.
Is Klever Kitchens going to have The Smiths played again as he's sent off into the furnace? He looked like a used car salesman in that photo atop the coffin.
I noticed John Partridge (aka Christian from Enders) slating Sean from Corrie the other day for being a 'tea time gay' (I think that means a gay who doesn't have sex). When DID they make Sean's character so wholly unlikeable? I used to really like his character but now all he seems to do is rubbish one-liners. He's got less depth than Kelly Crabtree.
Rita's back! Oh.
Ooh Kevin was horrible to Molly! Have that baby and leave it on his doorstep. That'll teach him.
Janice is back in her horse fleece! Horse fleece! Horse fleece! I swear she didn't wear it for about three years and now it's back. It was probably preserved in a museum; and rightly so.
Aw I just sobbed my socks off when Simon turned up! I want a Simon. And I hate children!
I'm glad Tina interrupted Gail's speech, it sounded dire. Elephant in the room indeed! That funeral ended a bit like I'd expect one of my own family funerals to end; with a virtual punch-up and someone shouting 'you're a family of freaks!'
Eastenders, on the other hand, has been dire. Somehow they managed to fluke a fairly decent live episode (except for Jack Branning bleating something about 'the public' by accident- projecting much?) but since then it's been dire; Max's search for Bradley's shoes, the return of Carol (and her puffa jacket- looks a bit like Gail's actually) and (god help us) the grime night. Even Dizzy gave that schtick up around 2002. Also, it feels like it's been snowing for about three weeks. Continuity fail.
Roxy's staff can't come in because of the snow? What, can't Chelsea walk 15 foot across the square? 85% of her staff live UPSTAIRS.
As for enfant dullard Danny Mitchell; what is the point? Take your 90s haircut and piss off to Hollyoaks.
Oh god and I forgot about Billy's 'friends' from Balham; some more well-rounded, 3-dimensional black characters from the Eastenders storyboard. INNIT.
Sorry I fell asleep there at the 'Ian's dirty washing' storyline. As for Lucy Beale's pregnancy; I couldn't give two shits. Where is Syed? Where is Christian? Why can't we just have a two-hander with them in?
God, now the 'gardening' storyline. This is interminable!
Ah, Corrie again. Suddenly Kevin wants to see Molly! Is it any wonder women use babies as currency in sex wars; they make good currency. They're a good bartering tool.
Peter vs George! Fight! Fight! Fight! Peter dealt with him quite nicely. It was more than he deserved. Not much to chew on in that second episode, really.
KEVIN. Change your jacket! Molly. Abort. Goodnight.
TV has been pretty ropey anyway; I feel like the schedulers have forgotten about us; no good documentaries, no decent entertainment. American Idol has been too wishy washy this year, I can't get a handle on who I really like. I watched Dawn Porter's My Breasts Could Kill Me, but it was one of her weaker documentaries, unnecessarily dragged out over two shows, and consisting mainly of her going 'oh I'm really scared!' Zzzz. (you did get to see her boobs though, and they were pretty impressive).
The only programme I've been really getting off on is Celebrity Rehab! Dr Drew is my new idol. Download it! It's Big Brother, but with drug addict celebrities. What more do you want?
Anyway. SOAPS. Corrie has been quite good lately, what with Simon absconding from Blackpool (who could blame him?) Peter Barlow should kick that granddad's arse. I've never thought much of Leanne as a character but she's been quite good lately. Her sad but trying to be brave acting was quite good. Ken should never have let George take that child in the first place!
Jason with his top off! Gratuitous.
I've noticed Tina has looked less orange that usual since she's been grieving, it suits her. She's lost a lot of her chutzpah as a character in recent months though. I preferred her with David.
Gail looks like a Cluedo piece in that roll-neck. Gail on the boat with the puffa jacket. Deadly!
I do fancy Nicky Platt #2 a bit though; even though he's not just as good as Madame Rickett, I have a soft spot for him from when he was in Footballers Wives. I kind of like a jug-eared man from time to time, it's a bit sexy.
Mentions of Ton-eh! Aww I miss Ton-eh. Can't he come back? Acquit him! We need his googly eyed charms. He was ten times sexier than Nicky Platt #1 or #2.
Is Klever Kitchens going to have The Smiths played again as he's sent off into the furnace? He looked like a used car salesman in that photo atop the coffin.
I noticed John Partridge (aka Christian from Enders) slating Sean from Corrie the other day for being a 'tea time gay' (I think that means a gay who doesn't have sex). When DID they make Sean's character so wholly unlikeable? I used to really like his character but now all he seems to do is rubbish one-liners. He's got less depth than Kelly Crabtree.
Rita's back! Oh.
Ooh Kevin was horrible to Molly! Have that baby and leave it on his doorstep. That'll teach him.
Janice is back in her horse fleece! Horse fleece! Horse fleece! I swear she didn't wear it for about three years and now it's back. It was probably preserved in a museum; and rightly so.
Aw I just sobbed my socks off when Simon turned up! I want a Simon. And I hate children!
I'm glad Tina interrupted Gail's speech, it sounded dire. Elephant in the room indeed! That funeral ended a bit like I'd expect one of my own family funerals to end; with a virtual punch-up and someone shouting 'you're a family of freaks!'
Eastenders, on the other hand, has been dire. Somehow they managed to fluke a fairly decent live episode (except for Jack Branning bleating something about 'the public' by accident- projecting much?) but since then it's been dire; Max's search for Bradley's shoes, the return of Carol (and her puffa jacket- looks a bit like Gail's actually) and (god help us) the grime night. Even Dizzy gave that schtick up around 2002. Also, it feels like it's been snowing for about three weeks. Continuity fail.
Roxy's staff can't come in because of the snow? What, can't Chelsea walk 15 foot across the square? 85% of her staff live UPSTAIRS.
As for enfant dullard Danny Mitchell; what is the point? Take your 90s haircut and piss off to Hollyoaks.
Oh god and I forgot about Billy's 'friends' from Balham; some more well-rounded, 3-dimensional black characters from the Eastenders storyboard. INNIT.
Sorry I fell asleep there at the 'Ian's dirty washing' storyline. As for Lucy Beale's pregnancy; I couldn't give two shits. Where is Syed? Where is Christian? Why can't we just have a two-hander with them in?
God, now the 'gardening' storyline. This is interminable!
Ah, Corrie again. Suddenly Kevin wants to see Molly! Is it any wonder women use babies as currency in sex wars; they make good currency. They're a good bartering tool.
Peter vs George! Fight! Fight! Fight! Peter dealt with him quite nicely. It was more than he deserved. Not much to chew on in that second episode, really.
KEVIN. Change your jacket! Molly. Abort. Goodnight.
Monday, 8 February 2010
TV: Soap and Gory
It's about time I did a soap blog, and I can't let the demise of Klever Kitchens pass by without comment. Corrie has been great lately, particularly Peter Barlow's sudden and spectacular fall from grace last week. I liked it when he went starry eyed and said drinking was like 'coming home'. But why did they call that bar 'The Joinery'? Surely it was crying out to be called 'Bar Lows'. No sorry doesn't help, Peter. Leanne, leave him! Get rid.
Gail, I shouldn't worry about David having a party whilst you're away, he had one friend, and that was kebab kid.
Why is Klever Kitchens always pulling that face like his dog's just died? Oh, because he's married to Gail. Why does no one notice that he keeps giving them suicide speeches? When someone starts telling me how they've always cared whatever happens, how much they love me, and to look after myself until I see them again, I immediately search their bag for the Nytol, some opiates or a handgun.
That rich granddad is going to try and squirrel Simon away! Bad man. Ken was right all along. Peter is just skulking round corners smoking fags all episode.
Klever Kitchen's debt collector looks like the late Liam Connor. He's too dishy to be scary. I preferred the debt collector who was chasing Phil Mitchell recently, giving it all 'to wit, Mr Mitchell' and wearing a trenchcoat.
Klever Kitchens admitted he was inspired by 'canoe guy'! Did he read about that on Voggle? Joe, the filth are going to be poring through your internet records! You should have gone to the internet cafe like all the other criminals do. Amateur.
And now an interlude into the pointless doom cloud than is Eastenders. Do you care who killed Archie? Do you REALLY? I care more about Dr Al's friends from Cornwall who wanted to meet Roxy. We never saw any evidence of any such friends, and shortly after, he pootled off in his twatmobile, having never been given a bigger storyline than changing his hairstyle from slick to fringy, and once helping Heather with something boring. Brilliant work, Eastenders scriptwriters, just super.
Talking of brilliant, aren't you enjoying the grim groundhog day quality of the love affair that is Stacey and Bradley? I'm sure you enjoyed the 2 days that they were actually happy in between the dopey girlfriend going back to New Zealand and Stacey revealing she got pregnant by rape. Endless giggles, I'm sure.
DI Marsden listening to Lionel Richie was just inspired. Who writes this stuff? Give them some sort of award, quick!
I like the return of Billy, Bianca's brother, but only because he's played by the same actor. Remember his pre-pubescent androgyny? His afro? What's he been doing all these years in between, that's what I want to know. Peculiarly, he seems to be able to act. Rare for this show, I know.
OMG Sonia! She slipped back in like Sunita in Corrie, like she'd never been gone. Where's Robbie?
Urgh, there's those numpties from that spin off show, which I suffered through for no particular reason. I can never get those braincells back, bruv. Just go away.
Where's Syed??? Where's Christian? How DID Syed get it up in the end, that's what I want to know. I'll give the scriptwriters something; the wedding episodes were top notch. So why do they give us all this shit 3 times a week? Can't they get someone decent to write it at least once a week? Do they really have to only get decent writers in on national holidays?
Hen nights are never something that Eastenders does well. They are listening to Moon Safari by Air! What year is this?! This is the ropiest collection of 'hens' since KFCs farms got raided for cruelty. And that joke was really laboured, I'm sorry, I've had a long day.
That stripper guy is quite fit, but I still want those characters to piss off. Besides, he looks underage.
Bradley said 'you wouldn't let it lie!' I hate Bradley's now! He's leaving, isn't he? Fuck off to Holloway, I mean, Hollywood. Oh, no, I got it right first time... Christ, look at the colour of his face. And his tank top. Give me Max any day of the week.
Hmm, my TV decided not to bother taping the second Corrie. Thanks TV. How I love the ITV catch up player, it's so easy to use! *cough*.
I want to know what's in Klever Kitchen's survival pack! Rubber ring? Tin foil blankee? Fireworks? Honestly, Gail will put up with anything from this dude! She needs to change her taste in men.
Talking of which, Peter Barlow, no one cares when you're down in the gutter! Aw, Simon is SO cute! He almost makes me want to have children. But not really. No wonder that granddad wants to snatch him away. He's probably doing some genetic experiment on him.
What's the bet the nosy neighbours are going to see something they shouldn't? Ah, they did. OMG Klever Kitchens threw her on the floor! What a catch he is! Just let him go, Gail. The man is a menace to society.
Why is Gail still rocking that old Nokia? Is it nostalgia night? Why do they only have phones from 1995 and music from the early 2000s in the soaps tonight? What next, Simon feeding his Tamagotchi whilst listening to Moby?
Ooh, look at the moon! How moving. What next, a 'Gail Force' wind? That's the second husband she's sent to a watery grave. No indie pop hits this time around? I enjoyed the Wannadies as Richard Hillman drove into the canal. They could have dug out some more Moz for Joe. Aw Klever Kitchen's has lost his dinghy. This dude is born to lose. His phone, by contrast, looks quite snazzy. Perhaps he should have took it down cash converters. Oh well, at least we won't have to look at that expression any more. My favourite Klever Kitchen moment was when he smashed up the surgery after listening to The Smiths of course. RIP.
I hate Boyzone dude! He can't act! Get rid of him. I blame him for Peter's demise. Look, he's aiding and abetting sharing a beer with him!
Anyway, we decided the other night that instead of killing off Blanche's character, they should have her send an acerbic postcard every few months, giving us her thoughts on what her family and neighbours have been up to. I'd love to see her thoughts on Peter's latest fuck up. You could even animate it. Now THAT is a spin off show.
Gail, I shouldn't worry about David having a party whilst you're away, he had one friend, and that was kebab kid.
Why is Klever Kitchens always pulling that face like his dog's just died? Oh, because he's married to Gail. Why does no one notice that he keeps giving them suicide speeches? When someone starts telling me how they've always cared whatever happens, how much they love me, and to look after myself until I see them again, I immediately search their bag for the Nytol, some opiates or a handgun.
That rich granddad is going to try and squirrel Simon away! Bad man. Ken was right all along. Peter is just skulking round corners smoking fags all episode.
Klever Kitchen's debt collector looks like the late Liam Connor. He's too dishy to be scary. I preferred the debt collector who was chasing Phil Mitchell recently, giving it all 'to wit, Mr Mitchell' and wearing a trenchcoat.
Klever Kitchens admitted he was inspired by 'canoe guy'! Did he read about that on Voggle? Joe, the filth are going to be poring through your internet records! You should have gone to the internet cafe like all the other criminals do. Amateur.
And now an interlude into the pointless doom cloud than is Eastenders. Do you care who killed Archie? Do you REALLY? I care more about Dr Al's friends from Cornwall who wanted to meet Roxy. We never saw any evidence of any such friends, and shortly after, he pootled off in his twatmobile, having never been given a bigger storyline than changing his hairstyle from slick to fringy, and once helping Heather with something boring. Brilliant work, Eastenders scriptwriters, just super.
Talking of brilliant, aren't you enjoying the grim groundhog day quality of the love affair that is Stacey and Bradley? I'm sure you enjoyed the 2 days that they were actually happy in between the dopey girlfriend going back to New Zealand and Stacey revealing she got pregnant by rape. Endless giggles, I'm sure.
DI Marsden listening to Lionel Richie was just inspired. Who writes this stuff? Give them some sort of award, quick!
I like the return of Billy, Bianca's brother, but only because he's played by the same actor. Remember his pre-pubescent androgyny? His afro? What's he been doing all these years in between, that's what I want to know. Peculiarly, he seems to be able to act. Rare for this show, I know.
OMG Sonia! She slipped back in like Sunita in Corrie, like she'd never been gone. Where's Robbie?
Urgh, there's those numpties from that spin off show, which I suffered through for no particular reason. I can never get those braincells back, bruv. Just go away.
Where's Syed??? Where's Christian? How DID Syed get it up in the end, that's what I want to know. I'll give the scriptwriters something; the wedding episodes were top notch. So why do they give us all this shit 3 times a week? Can't they get someone decent to write it at least once a week? Do they really have to only get decent writers in on national holidays?
Hen nights are never something that Eastenders does well. They are listening to Moon Safari by Air! What year is this?! This is the ropiest collection of 'hens' since KFCs farms got raided for cruelty. And that joke was really laboured, I'm sorry, I've had a long day.
That stripper guy is quite fit, but I still want those characters to piss off. Besides, he looks underage.
Bradley said 'you wouldn't let it lie!' I hate Bradley's now! He's leaving, isn't he? Fuck off to Holloway, I mean, Hollywood. Oh, no, I got it right first time... Christ, look at the colour of his face. And his tank top. Give me Max any day of the week.
Hmm, my TV decided not to bother taping the second Corrie. Thanks TV. How I love the ITV catch up player, it's so easy to use! *cough*.
I want to know what's in Klever Kitchen's survival pack! Rubber ring? Tin foil blankee? Fireworks? Honestly, Gail will put up with anything from this dude! She needs to change her taste in men.
Talking of which, Peter Barlow, no one cares when you're down in the gutter! Aw, Simon is SO cute! He almost makes me want to have children. But not really. No wonder that granddad wants to snatch him away. He's probably doing some genetic experiment on him.
What's the bet the nosy neighbours are going to see something they shouldn't? Ah, they did. OMG Klever Kitchens threw her on the floor! What a catch he is! Just let him go, Gail. The man is a menace to society.
Why is Gail still rocking that old Nokia? Is it nostalgia night? Why do they only have phones from 1995 and music from the early 2000s in the soaps tonight? What next, Simon feeding his Tamagotchi whilst listening to Moby?
Ooh, look at the moon! How moving. What next, a 'Gail Force' wind? That's the second husband she's sent to a watery grave. No indie pop hits this time around? I enjoyed the Wannadies as Richard Hillman drove into the canal. They could have dug out some more Moz for Joe. Aw Klever Kitchen's has lost his dinghy. This dude is born to lose. His phone, by contrast, looks quite snazzy. Perhaps he should have took it down cash converters. Oh well, at least we won't have to look at that expression any more. My favourite Klever Kitchen moment was when he smashed up the surgery after listening to The Smiths of course. RIP.
I hate Boyzone dude! He can't act! Get rid of him. I blame him for Peter's demise. Look, he's aiding and abetting sharing a beer with him!
Anyway, we decided the other night that instead of killing off Blanche's character, they should have her send an acerbic postcard every few months, giving us her thoughts on what her family and neighbours have been up to. I'd love to see her thoughts on Peter's latest fuck up. You could even animate it. Now THAT is a spin off show.
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