Monday, 7 June 2010

Soap and Ammo: Lord, have Mercy

Typical Corrie; normally the storylines revolve around Ken's tawdry affairs and Norris selling penny sweets; the minute they go all Die Hard, some inadequate goes garrity with a sniper rifle in Cumbria. Result: no Corrie for almost a week. Presumably, the grieving friends and family won't be offended this week. Unless they watch Eastenders.
It is a joy to see Tony's boggle-eye back on the cobbles; even if he is hamming it up somewhat. I like Carla giving it back to him ('under-endowed'!); Carla is one of the best soap characters ever; glamorous, cool, sexy. Why IS she going out with that bin man? It makes less than no sense. How can they keep Tony in the show as a escaped murderer? They can't, can they? He's coming out of that factory in a body bag. Sob.
Oh, and a word on the new credits. Boo. Change the theme tune! Put a drum machine on it.
Gail's trial! Burn the witch. Only Corrie could be so bombastic as to run two such big storylines together; if Eastenders give you a well-written, exciting storyline, they make you eat up a big pile of Heather doing karaoke in between.
Hayley is taking being a hostage extremely well. I'd be gibbering. This siege is not very scary so far. It's like a comedy siege. Ooh, the accomplice just bought it. I take it all back. I HAVE been affected by this storyline.
Talking of which, onto Eastenders. Which storyline have you enjoyed most recently? Ben's personality transplant? The thought of Pat and Peggy's having sex with the same bloke? Liam's maths homework? Fatboy and friends enjoying a sojourn to the countryside? I know, the fun never starts!
This new Zoe Lucker character is good, isn't it! Very well rounded. Mind her handbag, Max. Wow, that romp lasted the same amount of time it too Minty to fit three cliches into one sentence.
I heard they are replacing Lucy Beale with a new actress. My boyfriend will be disappointed, as he fancies the current one. I wish they'd replace the following characters: Lucas & family (including Denise's 'zany' sister), Janine & co, all the Slaters, all the new young ones (except Fatboy), Heather, Minty, wheelchair kid (your mum left, why don't you fuck off), Carol Jackson, Liam Butcher/Jackson, Owen's mum (see wheelchair kid reasoning but replace 'mum' with 'son'), Danny Mitchell, Danny Mitchell's mum. What I'd replace them with? A Syed and Christian year-long special in which they go to Lesbos and live happily ever after.
What the fuck is this Mercy character and her offensive stereotype of an aunt all about? I feel like I've missed something, but actually they just never bothered to write it. Even if they had, I'd rather watch Hamster-girl sing me through the latest Glee covers albums.
I want to see Bianca's Forever Friends nightie. Apparently they are re-writing the Lucas storyline because it's so controversial in light of the massacre. They can barely write something the first time around; I dread to think what the alternate version will be.
Theoretically, this Eastenders lasts the same amount of minutes as Coronation Street, so why does it feel three times as long?
Oh god, please don't stay Mercy. You're fucking useless.
Back to Corrie! Transphobia from Tony! Leave Hayley alone, you monster. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria.
Look at that casual sexism from the Boyzone twat! First trannies, now women. Who's next?
Don't hit Carla, you brute. You'll ruin her hair. I feel I was a little unfair on Eastenders. There are a few characters Tony could happily off for me tonight: Julie, Sean, bin man, Kevin, Kevin's dad, Molly's aunt, Sally, Rosie, Rosie's sister, Maria, Rita, Norris's girlfriend, Emily Bishop, all Windasses, Boyzone dude, Tyrone, Gail, Audrey, Audrey's gigolo, Jason, Chesney, Ashley & Claire & their kids, Jack Duckworth, Jack Duckworth's sugar mum, Liz; I could go on.
This Corrie has been a bit scarier (and more violent) than the first.
How could Tony say Maria was a better lay than Carla? Maria is one step up from an amoeba. It doesn't ring true. Kirk is sexier than her.
Why did Nicky Platt go from trying to avoid that hairdresser to her virtually living there? It seems like they forgot to write the bit after the first date. Storyline fail. I honestly don't miss this this show, so it can't just be me.
TONY. Don't toast the knicker factory. Think of the fumes from all that polyester. Think of the ozone layer. BANG.

No comments: