Yes, please don't hit my mum Alesha, she's done nothing to you! Here, beautifully inane Alesha Dixon discusses domestic violence. This is going to be a bit of a minefield for me, both because of the involvement of Alesha, and the subject matter. It's going to get a little personal. But here goes.
One of the children at the very start of this documentary said 'he threw her down the stairs; and for that reason I'll never forgive him.' I understand that sentiment. The thought of all the children out there having to witness that sort of stuff feels horrific. How can parents do that to their children, do that in front of their children? They just don't give a shit. That's the long and short of it.
Alesha's mum's boyfriend beat her up when Alesha was 8. Mine happened when I was 11.
It is a horrible feeling to feel powerless; but it's worse to see your mother powerless. Especially when she has the choice to walk, but she won't. That's the worst part. I do blame my mum for not leaving sooner, and I don't apologise for that. There's a point where a victim needs to gather themselves up for the sake of the children. Once she left everyone was like 'your mum has abandoned you' and I just thought 'good. why on earth didn't she leave three years ago?' It was the smartest move she ever made. I told her a million times to go before that.
Alesha, bless her, hasn't really got the gravitas to tackle this subject with any sort of feeling. She even makes horrific violence seem mildly boring.
It was interesting what she was saying about 'not having a say' in how you were raised; I think that's an important point; once you're an adult you DO have a say. You can choose to separate yourself from violent family members, or situations that are bad for you. I spent my entire teenage years waiting for the next blow up. I am proud that I live in a safe space now. I am reluctant to get dragged down by it all again. 'Victims' have to do the right thing by themselves- and blood isn't thicker than water, especially when you've seen it splashed over the pavement.
Alesha says she feels sorry for her mum, but it sounds like her mum is over it. It's the same for me, my mum couldn't give a shit about what happened, but that stuff scarred me for life. It's different for children; you're developing, and that rips a hole in you.
One girl talked about how she tried to get in the middle of the violence and he carried on hitting her mum like she wasn't there. I remember so vividly trying to get my dad off my mum, and he just didn't even even register I was there. We also ran to our neighbour on that day.
It was interesting to hear the girl talk about picking up with her dad again after 13 years; I don't speak to my dad, and I've noticed myself feeling increasingly guilty about it. But I've always thought; if a stranger did that to your mum, would you ever forgive them? So what's the difference? I always come back to that thought. I will never have children- but if I did, I could never do that to them. Don't you just want to protect them? I just can't make sense of it.
Alesha says 'you should always question why someone acts a certain way, especially if it's a violent way'. But should you? I don't care what drove him to it; he shouldn't ever have done that, and especially not in front of me. I'm not interested in the reasons behind it. It's just thuggery. If that's too hardline, then whatever. It's just an excuse; you have a free choice on how to behave.
It's interesting when you realise your 'role models' are deeply fucked up. But it's also completely annihilating.
The conversation about how witnessing violence at a young age affects the brain was interesting. I 'only' saw one incident of extreme violence; I dread to think how my brain would have been affected if I'd seen that over and over.
The psychologist said the effect of witnessing violence makes you constantly frightened, and that's definitely how I felt as a teenager, constantly on edge.
Wow, Alesha Dixon is quite stunning. Bless her, she's trying.
Ah- Alesha visited a domestic violence incident with the police between a male couple! I've been discussing this with another friend today, so that's interesting. Apparently 11% of domestic violence victims are men. They don't seem to be the ones getting murdered, though. Eek, they played a really scary 999 call with a guy going crazy. DV is no joke. Look at how many men kill their partners (and whole families, if they're a real special case) per year- it's terrifying, and it's largely ignored. Oh, another one. It's just too commonplace.
I can't stress enough for women to leave, for kids to speak out, for men to THINK just think about what you are doing.
OMG! This guy used to make the mum say who she loved more out of him or her daughter and force her to say him! FUCKED.
My mum used to say over and over 'he would never lay a finger on you' as if that made everything OK. I don't think she had a clue what that situation actually did to me; she still doesn't really get it; although she gets it a lot more than she used to, because I forced her to.
I was interested when Alesha talked to a perpetrator at the end; and I do believe men can change- they do. I used to not think that, but I've grown up a bit. Once a wifebeater, always a wifebeater, I did believe that. But I don't now. But even if you can change, it doesn't make what you did in the past forgiveable. It doesn't change what you did. Wow, Alesha is really nodding, it's like a fucking Churchill advert.
I'm not sure about teaching kids about DV in school. Can you teach someone not to be a sadistic bastard? No, I'm wrong actually, it can't hurt, can it. Maybe it never occurred to someone not to be like that.
Footnote: Do you know how I met my best friend twelve or thirteen years ago? Her mum was in a shelter, running away from her dad, very similar situation to mine, and put a pin in a map, and hit Northampton, where I grew up. Unlucky for them, maybe, but lucky for me. It's funny how things turn out.
OK, back to the telly.
Showing posts with label violence against women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label violence against women. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Women: Activists
I wont even comment on the 'Women: Mothers' programme as it was so pathetic and limp. Shame; this series started well. Hopefully 'Activists' has got a bit more oomph.
I've been to the London Feminist Network conference and I found it very disappointing. It said nothing to me about my life, in so many ways. I don't care about objectification; I mean, I do, but not much. I care about violence against women and equal rights/ pay, not about prostitution, porn or glamour modelling. A friend of mine is a psychologist who also does pole dancing for fun. Partly thanks to Object, she can't do it any more, because a new law has arrived that labels her 'a sex worker' so she cannot legally work in the criminal justice system (she works in a prison) and do that. She's basically had to give up her fall-back for money. That's not freedom; it's oppression. Women-on-women oppression.
Who is portraying women as sexual objects? Magazines certainly do, but that doesn't make ME a sexual object. I like being a sexual being. I like some porn, and I like being objectified sometimes. Horrifying, I know. I am 100% a feminist. These are not issues for me. Domestic violence is an issue. Rape is an issue. Abortion is an issue. Not being able to walk down the street at night is an issue. The rest just feels like window dressing. And I'm not stupid, I understand how Page 3 dehumanises women, I understand how Nuts magazine dehumanises women. But do you socialise with 13-year-old Sun readers? Idiots will always be idiots. You can't make morons intelligent.
I understand what Fin in this programme was saying about the rage; I am enraged by sexism everywhere. But I enjoy being enraged. I enjoy being intelligent enough to see why something is sexist when someone else might not even question it. Knowledge is power. It's better to be oppressed than ignorant.
Two women a week killed by their male partner; that is something worth shouting about, worth raging against. Someone calling up for 'a prostitute like a pizza'? I'm not bothered.
I do hate sexist language; bird, slut, slag; it's all the same thing, something a woman can be called, but a man can't. I even hate 'hen' party with it's vision of twittering women. But what is the point of them reading ads for porn lines in the back of a magazine and complaining about it? It's like going to Wales and moaning that it's raining. I don't agree that men who watch porn see all women as 'slags'. Men compartmentalise sex; they can turn that off and on again; and guess what; so can women.
Oh god, the feminist songs! Spare me. This doesn't do much for our image. 'Po-faced' is levelled at us a lot; and this is why. A man reading The Star on the tube is clearly an idiot; let him get on with it. Does it really affect you? Getting angry about that is like getting angry at a park bench; in fact the park bench is probably more well-read.
Another friend of mine is a member of Object, and friends with Sandrine, but when I challenged her on the views she didn't seem to have the answers to why objectification is bad, just that it was bad. But if you're going to stand up for something, why not stand up for battered women, for rape victims? Glamour models and porn stars are making money. It's their choice, the majority of the time (except for in cases of trafficking etc- and that in itself is violence and rape, so why separate it) so why take that choice from women?
Music videos are soft porn. Movie stars encourage girls to starve themselves by being so thin. The way to arm yourself against this is to teach your children some morality; some common sense. There SHOULD be more curvy women in magazines. But there's not. So don't read magazines. You don't need that handbag or that diet plan. Any intelligent person realises this at about age 16. There is so much alternative media out there now. You don't have to feel so oppressed by this stuff. I don't listen to pop music or watch pop videos any more. You don't have to. Just put something else on. I agree in freedom of expression for all; even the brain-dead. If you get angry about everything, you can't even function anymore. And I'm angry about MOST things.
Oh wow, they just mentioned abortion! Surely abortion should be the NUMBER ONE subject for any feminist, the number one priority; a women's right to choose. It's so intrinsically important. There are people out there that want to force you to give birth against your will. All this other stuff is just a diversion.
The 'bin the bunny' thing against Playboy is just stupid; it makes people laugh at us as feminists, because people see it as frippery. And it is. The Girls of the Playboy Mansion TV show makes me feel sick; but so what. I used to have a Playboy pencil case when I was a teenager; so what? It didn't 'programme me to accept degradation and pornography in later life'- it just kept my pencils in check. It's just a logo, a picture. It can't hurt us unless we let it.
I agree that stereotypes of men and women have a lot to answer for; and the media enforce that. But men and women also enforce that. If you choose a different way; it's not that difficult to live like it. In fact, it's very easy.
I recognise loads of people from the feminist conference; the thought of 'feminist comedy' I found quite frightening, I must admit. It's weird seeing the footage from that conference because I was there, and it was well-meaning, but some of the speakers were just plain dull, and there was a real lack of humour (except for the feminist comedy, which I avoided, obviously). I hate to be such a downer, but I went there with expectations, and I came out feeling non-plussed, and that's surely not the aim of an event like that. I think it needed an injection of charisma. Some of these feminists are dare I say it; a bit sappy. And then the others are a bit... militant. I want a bit of humour and panache.
I agreed with the girl who said it can be lonely being a feminist. I'm always confused by my female friends who aren't feminists. How can you NOT care about your own sex, your own rights? It seems bizarre.
I thought the interviewer asking that feminist why she paints her nails was fucking stupid. Heaven forbid a feminist wants to look pretty.
Oh my god, there's no rape crisis centre in London! The whole of London! Now that's something to get upset about. That's disgusting. Rape IS legal in this country, it really is. Then afterwards; see you later, love.
I'm glad they touched (very briefly) on feminists having conflicting views; we're not one homogeneous mass, and no one should enforce their views onto others. I AM a feminist; and I have just as much right to call myself one as anyone else.
These documentaries are 15 minutes too long. I was getting very antsy towards the end.
Is this wave of feminism gathering momentum? Not really. Apathy rules. But you can make a change in your own life; with your own opinion, but explaining things very simply to people. And it does make a difference.
I got groped and almost robbed on the bus today. It's hard being a woman. But I'd still rather be one than a man.
I've been to the London Feminist Network conference and I found it very disappointing. It said nothing to me about my life, in so many ways. I don't care about objectification; I mean, I do, but not much. I care about violence against women and equal rights/ pay, not about prostitution, porn or glamour modelling. A friend of mine is a psychologist who also does pole dancing for fun. Partly thanks to Object, she can't do it any more, because a new law has arrived that labels her 'a sex worker' so she cannot legally work in the criminal justice system (she works in a prison) and do that. She's basically had to give up her fall-back for money. That's not freedom; it's oppression. Women-on-women oppression.
Who is portraying women as sexual objects? Magazines certainly do, but that doesn't make ME a sexual object. I like being a sexual being. I like some porn, and I like being objectified sometimes. Horrifying, I know. I am 100% a feminist. These are not issues for me. Domestic violence is an issue. Rape is an issue. Abortion is an issue. Not being able to walk down the street at night is an issue. The rest just feels like window dressing. And I'm not stupid, I understand how Page 3 dehumanises women, I understand how Nuts magazine dehumanises women. But do you socialise with 13-year-old Sun readers? Idiots will always be idiots. You can't make morons intelligent.
I understand what Fin in this programme was saying about the rage; I am enraged by sexism everywhere. But I enjoy being enraged. I enjoy being intelligent enough to see why something is sexist when someone else might not even question it. Knowledge is power. It's better to be oppressed than ignorant.
Two women a week killed by their male partner; that is something worth shouting about, worth raging against. Someone calling up for 'a prostitute like a pizza'? I'm not bothered.
I do hate sexist language; bird, slut, slag; it's all the same thing, something a woman can be called, but a man can't. I even hate 'hen' party with it's vision of twittering women. But what is the point of them reading ads for porn lines in the back of a magazine and complaining about it? It's like going to Wales and moaning that it's raining. I don't agree that men who watch porn see all women as 'slags'. Men compartmentalise sex; they can turn that off and on again; and guess what; so can women.
Oh god, the feminist songs! Spare me. This doesn't do much for our image. 'Po-faced' is levelled at us a lot; and this is why. A man reading The Star on the tube is clearly an idiot; let him get on with it. Does it really affect you? Getting angry about that is like getting angry at a park bench; in fact the park bench is probably more well-read.
Another friend of mine is a member of Object, and friends with Sandrine, but when I challenged her on the views she didn't seem to have the answers to why objectification is bad, just that it was bad. But if you're going to stand up for something, why not stand up for battered women, for rape victims? Glamour models and porn stars are making money. It's their choice, the majority of the time (except for in cases of trafficking etc- and that in itself is violence and rape, so why separate it) so why take that choice from women?
Music videos are soft porn. Movie stars encourage girls to starve themselves by being so thin. The way to arm yourself against this is to teach your children some morality; some common sense. There SHOULD be more curvy women in magazines. But there's not. So don't read magazines. You don't need that handbag or that diet plan. Any intelligent person realises this at about age 16. There is so much alternative media out there now. You don't have to feel so oppressed by this stuff. I don't listen to pop music or watch pop videos any more. You don't have to. Just put something else on. I agree in freedom of expression for all; even the brain-dead. If you get angry about everything, you can't even function anymore. And I'm angry about MOST things.
Oh wow, they just mentioned abortion! Surely abortion should be the NUMBER ONE subject for any feminist, the number one priority; a women's right to choose. It's so intrinsically important. There are people out there that want to force you to give birth against your will. All this other stuff is just a diversion.
The 'bin the bunny' thing against Playboy is just stupid; it makes people laugh at us as feminists, because people see it as frippery. And it is. The Girls of the Playboy Mansion TV show makes me feel sick; but so what. I used to have a Playboy pencil case when I was a teenager; so what? It didn't 'programme me to accept degradation and pornography in later life'- it just kept my pencils in check. It's just a logo, a picture. It can't hurt us unless we let it.
I agree that stereotypes of men and women have a lot to answer for; and the media enforce that. But men and women also enforce that. If you choose a different way; it's not that difficult to live like it. In fact, it's very easy.
I recognise loads of people from the feminist conference; the thought of 'feminist comedy' I found quite frightening, I must admit. It's weird seeing the footage from that conference because I was there, and it was well-meaning, but some of the speakers were just plain dull, and there was a real lack of humour (except for the feminist comedy, which I avoided, obviously). I hate to be such a downer, but I went there with expectations, and I came out feeling non-plussed, and that's surely not the aim of an event like that. I think it needed an injection of charisma. Some of these feminists are dare I say it; a bit sappy. And then the others are a bit... militant. I want a bit of humour and panache.
I agreed with the girl who said it can be lonely being a feminist. I'm always confused by my female friends who aren't feminists. How can you NOT care about your own sex, your own rights? It seems bizarre.
I thought the interviewer asking that feminist why she paints her nails was fucking stupid. Heaven forbid a feminist wants to look pretty.
Oh my god, there's no rape crisis centre in London! The whole of London! Now that's something to get upset about. That's disgusting. Rape IS legal in this country, it really is. Then afterwards; see you later, love.
I'm glad they touched (very briefly) on feminists having conflicting views; we're not one homogeneous mass, and no one should enforce their views onto others. I AM a feminist; and I have just as much right to call myself one as anyone else.
These documentaries are 15 minutes too long. I was getting very antsy towards the end.
Is this wave of feminism gathering momentum? Not really. Apathy rules. But you can make a change in your own life; with your own opinion, but explaining things very simply to people. And it does make a difference.
I got groped and almost robbed on the bus today. It's hard being a woman. But I'd still rather be one than a man.
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