Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Is there life on Marbs?

So this is the one the producers have been waiting for, the double whammy of grief-jockeying and Cheban flouncing out. And it starts off hilariously, with the highlights of Tiffany thinking David Gest was dead. AMAZING.
So Angie is staying in the house to 'avoid the press'. They'll still be there when she comes out. Big Brother sounded a bit cold with her and like he wanted to get rid of her, I thought. What gives, BB, why not send a nice friendly BB voice in to pass on death news? Heartless.
'THE STARDUST IS GONE.' So they call Christian and David Gest up to comfort Angie. Lucky Angie told David Gest that David died first so he didn't get confused. Christian's immediately like: 'How did he die?' wanting to get all the goss and then declaring it 'a private matter'. He is the most high handed housemate I've seen since Ulrika Jonsson. Also, a bit off topic, but is 65 too old for pigtails?
Mum's the word, OK? Remember that.
OMG so David Gest is unwell (and advised by Big Brother to rest, I note, are they trying to set this up?) and in bed so this is how the confusion starts. Classic.
Angie is partly to blame for this nonsense for presuming people know who she means when she says, 'David.'
Angie: 'You can't say a word. David's dead.'And then Tiffany starts whooping and hollering and drops into Angie's arms. Did Angie just think Tiffany was a really big fan of Labyrinth or what? The screaming and theatrics were just amazing. 'ARE YOU SERIOUS?' Then she cuts to 'I know you're joking?' It's like seeing a one woman am-dram performance.
Angie: 'It just happened now. Of cancer. Please stay calm.' Tiffany: 'We've got to get everybody together. I need a drink.' Doesn't she think Big Brother might announce it if David Gest was dead, or at least remove his dead body from the bedroom, hahaha! Call Dr Ottoman!
This is the best farce and the funniest first ten minutes of Big Brother I've EVER seen. Just magically comical and stupid in every way, and of course, deeply bleak, which makes it even funnier.

Tiffany's reaction! Oh my days. I was CRYING with laughter.
So then she runs to the garden going 'I can't keep this a secret. David is dead.' Christopher Maloney's face is worth a pause alone. The way Darren ran in from the garden! OMG. Still Angie doesn't know what she's done (or failed to do... say the word 'Bowie')
Darren pulling the covers back and showing Christopher Maoloney. 'He's here, look.' Hahahahaa! David Gest must be like WTF. I don't think the poor fucker said a word!
Then Tiffany runs at Angie like a rhino. Daniella: 'You told her David was dead with cancer. He's in there asleep.' You could not make this up. So good. People on Twitter all pissing and moaning about the disrespect; FFS, it's funny! It's farcical! I expected the episode to be one way and it was ENTIRELY another! PLUS Angie hasn't spoken to Bowie in years, and the first NIGHT she put him on blast. It's not like her son died. It's her ex who she's not seen in years. Get some perspective here.
To be fair to Angie, she did not say 'David Gest', Tiffany just presumed it, and Angie obviously thinks there's only one David on earth so you can see how the misunderstanding occurred especially with David Gest in bed (on Ted's orders, ahem).
Daniella: 'David Bowie's not dead either.' Er... he is, actually.
Tiffany: 'I thought he died in the diary room.' Hahahaha!
Why then do things turn to eveyone rounding on Tiffany to try and get her out of there? Daniella started it with 'she needs to be taken out of here' (or did she mean about Angie?) It's edited so badly I can't tell.
Christian must be gutted he was in the shower when the main row kicked off. He jumped out QUICK SMART! So he saw NONE OF IT and then he starts laying down the fucking law. 'It's not my place to tell you this...' he says, telling her it.
Tiffany made a good point about outside contact and the newspapers. Tiffany is really embarrassed, I think. 'Get out of my fucking face' to Darren.
It's a comedy of errors, alright, hahaha.
Who, Tiffany? She's in the garden giggling.
Darren Day does have a cup of tea permanently welded to his hand, ha. Even when he's trying to comfort the grieving.
OMG everyone in the house is crying. Darren seems good in a crisis. John is INTERMINABLE. He's no longer Christian to me.
Who IS HE declaring people have to go? 'We don't feel safe with her...' It' NOT UP TO YOU BITCH. She didn't break any rules. She misunderstood something, got embarrassed and shouted a bit. Get a fucking grip, mate. Don't feel safe. What are you, a little pussyhole?
John: 'People are disgusted, freaked out or scared.' Tiffany was right, they were all sitting round giving her evils. 'Gang up eyes.' It was gang up eyes! Bullies.
John: 'People are going to go if you stay.' Fuck off then, there's the door, mate. What about your mum's care home fees? Shut up then, you're staying. Sit your arse down.
Tiffany: 'I'm not apologising to that old bitch, absolutely fucking not.' Gemma: 'I want my shoes back.' Tough shit, bitch! Get your priorities straight, David Bowie has died. Show some respect.
Big Brother to Tiffany: 'There's no need to shout at Big Brother.' I loved her 'they're gonna have to get me evicted cos I'm not a quitter' speech. That's what I'm talking about! You go girl!
Angie: 'I just want her gone.' IT'S NOT UP TO YOU. Why don't YOU go, if you're so upset?
Why is Jeremy always brushing his teeth in inappropriate places? And with his coat on; again!
Jonathan wants to leave as he's not finding the funniest thing that happened in the house all week funny. His parting words to Gemma: 'You know how I feel about pink.' I want to see Jonathan round Gemma's house and eating out in Essex's finest eateries. Joanthan doesn't want to be 'in a house in complete disarray.' It's Big Brother, baby!
Thank God Tiffany is immune. She earned her fees alone in ONE EPISODE.
I'm glad Nancy comforted Tiffany at least. Tiffany: 'We don't even get the papers in here.' Give it a couple of years.
Meanwhile John and Daniella are up on their Eastenders soap boxes. 'We either decide that we're going to go or we live in this mess.' You're going NOWHERE, stop pissing and moaning. He is one sanctimonious motherfucker.
David Gest has kept the lowest profile EVER this episode, apart from, you know, the obvious, ha.
Jonathan has one eye on the door. He's using this whole thing as an excuse to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. So if Bowie hadn't died, would we still have Jonathan?
Joanathan: 'I'll be in Essex eating. Oh God, you know how I feel about pink. I like everything dark.' Especially the mirrors, I bet.
Jonathan: 'My time here has expired.' He was probably only on a week's contract.
Miserable Big Brother couldn't even be bothered to persuade Jonathan to stay. Shame, he was a great housemate (even though he inexplicably blocked me, what gives, Jonathan?!)
I do believe he actually 'really clicked' with GC. I'm surprised. I'm glad he went back in and said his goodbyes rather than slinking off like me at the pub. It was a nice thing to do. 'Thank you and goodbye.' That was quite understated. I hope he goes to Essex. I don't think he will, though.
Darren Day bringing it back to Bowie and the music industry in the pod with Angie. Darren is playing a blinder tonight. He could win it you know. He seems so much more genuine than John.
When Christopher Maloney is the only one on your side, you're fucked. I can't believe I was team Maloney when he was trying to comfort Tiffany. 'I'll get it sorted.' he says. Cut to him not getting it sorted whatsoever and Christian getting on his high horse. What's with all these specific timings this year, 'in 15 to 20 minutes?' John is not interested: 'She's had enough airtime.' You should know, you invented the fucking word.
I'm not discussing David and Jeremy's 'date' or Scotty T and Princess Anne. Not in an episode that good.
Was quite good when Tiffany apologised and Angie was really decent about it. I like it when people can be completely mental and then just make up like that, it's a good quality to have in a person. Like Austin Armacost.
Darren Day explaining pulling the covers off David Gest to checking if he was dead or not in the DR was deadpan comedy gold. 'For 30 seconds there I thought David Gest was dead.' OMG.
Gemma telling Tiffany to stay calm DISGUSTED ME. Who does she think she is?! 'You're not on your reality show now, dear.' You're not on YOUR reality show either m'DEAR, so why don't you fuck off back to Essex?' As for her tea and coffee bullshit, that is pure nonsense. 'Tea and coffee is everything.' It isn't. I hate people who go on about tea and coffee all the time, boring. Give me the grand. 'I'm marking your card.' GET TO FUCK. I reckon her and John think they're going to win it. I so hope they're wrong.
Wow, what a rollercoaster! Tiffany or Darren Day FTW.

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