Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Concentrate on your journey

How do they get away with it? The vote fixing that is. The 'pure' housemates, chosen by the pointless Gillian McKeith get to nominate. How are GC and her lapdog Danniella, chronic chainsmokers, PURE in any way? GC was exempt from the task for 'feeling nauseous'? The only task this bitch has done is the one where she got immunity. Funny, that. Gillian McKeith was a waste of airtime and whatever she got paid. Honestly, fuck these I'm a Celebrity people.
I have no idea why Big Brother wanted Tiffany, Stephanie and Jeremy on the block, while Darren Day, Danniella and GC just sit there smoking and whining and pretending they're decent people when we all know they're morally bankrupt. It was so annoying, as I like all three people who were up. I voted to save Steph though, as it's my aim in life to see her outlast Gemma Collins. At least Stephanie admits her sins.
I was sorry to see Jeremy go. I thought Emma treated him despicably, overcompensating for her Hazel/Daley fuck up of years' past by pretending she cares about sexism when we all know she's a raving misogynist. Jeremy is single, he can essentially do what he likes. I do believe he fell in love. I dread to think what Stephanie will face when she's evicted. That crowd are just looking for a witch to burn and she's the one. I have this faint hope in my heart that she could win it, just because I'd love to see the uproar, both in and out of the house. Helen won, so anything's possible.
I have more to say on all of that, and tried to last night with a podcast that was sabotaged by a live mouse being dumped in my living room by my cat. Whether the beginning of that ever sees the light of day, I'll let you know. The mouse, unbelievably, is still at large. *eek*
So on with tonight's show. God, is the phone task still going on? I hate two day tasks. Yawn.
I also don't give a fuck if Steremy shagged or not, but I like the fact it annoyed the hags so much. I include Darren in the hags, FYI.
OMg Jez wiggling his weiner at Steph. Now I'm going to have to delete another 10 people off Twitter for calling Steph a slag, even though it's Jeremy waving his willy around.
What is the POINT in Scotty T, does anyone know? Also, who is the other Scotty? There was Luke S and Luke A, but where is Scotty A, B or C? And can we swap for that one?
I watched the extended cut of Steph's call earlier and it was actually really moving. The fact she was so desperate to hear he her dad proud of her was cute. Her dad was soooo nice. I wish I had a nice dad. 'You hold your head up high.' Aw. Fuck Danniella, John. Steph is eating up the call time. 'Concentrate on your journey.' That's fighting talk. 'Retain your dignity' means 'don't fuck Jeremy' right? Too late, I think. He's not seen Sam for a while, ha. I have, plugging his wares on Twitter. I like the fact they all leave the room when they have the calls. Calls from home are better than letters from home.
Danniella: 'Of course her dad's proud of her.' *sour* What a bitch. I actually hate her more than GC now, which I didn't think was possible.
Big Brother zooming in on Jeremy and Stephanie getting it on before throwing them to the wolves. Mock horrified much.
Danniella: 'Scotty hasn't had a phonecall.' He has, it was just so insignificant, no one remembers it. It was just one of his feral co-stars barking down the line.
Danniella's getting her call. I'm so happy for her, not. Bet she's pleased her friend mentioned Tiffany, ha. 'He's like JLo.' Er, who the fuck is it?
Scotty couldn't wait to get Megan off the phone. Can't blame him.
Hold on, why is John 'I didn't cry at my father's funeral' getting another call? And bawling! Turncoat.
Jeremy is deffo finger banging Steph! I like the way they've cut all the phonecalls with the sex. It's dramatic, ha. What about the dignity though? 'Me dad!' Oh, fuck dignity. She knows she's not getting back with Sam now.
Gemma ordering her mum around and hanging up on her. 'You can walk? Sort me out a fucking party!' Ok then.
Steph is wondering how to speak to Sam. I don't think you'll have to worry about that. Jeremy pretending to be respectful: 'We should wait a while.' What about the magazine deals? The magazine deals wait for no one. Jeremy: 'We're gonna have amazing sex.' I'm sure. But he's happy to wait, OK? He can't even wait until they get out of the house!
I like Tiffany's reaction when she was saved, it seemed very genuine. I can't work out if Steph's orange dress is an eek or a chic. Maybe it's a cheek.
'It's made Danniella's day' that Tiffany is staying (subtext: Steph or Jeremy are going).
Steph and Jeremy saying their goodbyes in the loo. Quite apt. I still don't get this phonebox thing. I thought it was quite sad when he went. I'm so glad it wasn't her though. Fuck the other housemates.
Danniella: 'You get way you get when you behave a certain way.' Yeah like no septum. She's SMILING. Evil cow. How can she BE SO JUDGEMENTAL! How can you be 42, have been through all that, and throw around the word 'slag' and JUDGE SO MUCH? And allegedly she's a Christian? FFS. Hypocrite.
Danniella: 'She deserves every boo she gets and more.' So much for her 'trying to help' Steph as people were bleating to me on Twitter this week. Bet you I don't hear from them again. She's just HORRIBLE. I'm glad Scotty T was left without his playmate and it was his own doing for nominating Steph. Haha! Scotty T comforting Steph, ugh. Steph doesn't have to explain herself to that mutt Scotty T. He doesn't understand love. He just wants to know when his next walkies is.
What's Danniella carping about. 'It should never have been him.' Didn't she nominate him?
Danniella is in no position to judge ANYONE! Even my mum just texted to say Danniella is a 'trouble stirring bitch' and just jealous.
Darren even said the thing about Jeremy's locket aggressively. Why is everyone being so mean to Steph? It's so annoying. This lot are so fucking sanctimonious. At least Steph is being real unlike Darren 'I don't fantasise' Day. I'm tired of everyone being the voice of reason, being the morality police. Put a sock in it. We're trying to watch an entertaining programme here.
Danniella is obsessed with being 'mugged off.' I'd just settle for 'mugged.'
I'm glad to see Tiffany happy, she deserves it for being one of the only fun housemates in there. She's annoyed she didn't get to comfort Jeremy in his hour of need - I honestly don't think Jeremy would have been up for it. He's cuntstruck.
So we approach the last week. What pointless twist are they going to throw in to ensure Scotty MTV T wins? Watch this space! We get the winners we deserve. Unfortunately.

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: The masturbate ball

The show started off slow tonight but then built up to a great climax... ahem. Apologies in advance, there's more jokes like that to come.
So Stephanie wins a facial and massage with the water being off but says no... then yes. So she's selfish, but not as selfish as GC, who didn't think twice.
So Gemma is worried she's 35 and people will think she's weird cos she;s not got kids. No they think you're weird because you're horrible. They understand why you've not got kids because no one in their right mind would sleep with you. I'm 35 and I'd rather die than have kids. John is right, if you really want kids, you go and do it. People who wait for their eggs to dry up need to get on it at our age, and not leave it too late, if that's what they want.
GC s doing reiki on Dal: 'You've got to picture a toilet going out of your colon.' Say what? 'Send love to your colon and imagine poo going down'. Er, or just use the loo like a normal person. The Darren goes for a shit and Gemma walks in on him. CONVENIENT. Big Brother is obsessed with scat.
Scotty T and Christopher moralising about Steremy. Ugh. Mind your own business. Jeremy: 'I can't help the way I feel about her.' Just leave the man alone. I never realised men like him actually talked about women in a nice way. I thought they were more like Scotty T: animals.
Jeremy kissing Stephanie's neck in bed, while Scotty looks down his nose like Norris off Corrie. Stephanie has got a strong eyebrow game. Not so good at managing her personal space.
Tiffany is waiting for someone to cross her so she can start a fight. 'I came here to fight cos that's what I like doing.' I hear you. 'No one is giving me beef.' Imagine Christopher or Darren in the DR saying this stuff.
Steph is worried Sam's not going to be there when she gets out. Steph, come on, now. 'Everything was perfect before this.' Well you're the one who fucked it up. Take some responsibility. The 'house' didn't do it.
I like the fact they're making them do a task which involves some level of skill, even though it's a puking task. They have to drink gross things and guess the ingredients.
I thought it was rigged cos Americans don't eat spam but then I got told on Twitter they invented it or something. Whatever, it's gross.
What's the point in holding your nose when you drink it cos then you can't taste the ingredients?
Tiffany is not happy. I couldn't drink that either.
So Darren is the last person immune. I'd say that's curtains for Danniella or Maloney on Tues. Or could Scotty T go? I always hear he could win it, but why? What's he actually done of any interest?
Ha, so the immune housemates get to uninvite people from the party. Gemma uninvited Chris, Steph did Tiffany and Darren uninvited Danniella. The alienation of Tiffany continues unabated. At least Gemma is trying to include her.
At least they gave the housemates they excluded from the party a drink, and a good job too, or the rest of the episode would have been a wrap. Tiffany is drinking a bottle of prosecco to herself, so she's going to get shitfaced. I've been there.
Danniella, 'Tiffany should just gatecrash the party.' A good plan (especially with Big Brother's complete lack of discipline) but Tiffany has come up with a better one, and is busy frigging herself off drunk in the toilet. Fair play! That will chill her out a bit. Good on her, she is so unapologetically her. I love it. I liked her face when walked out of the loo. I thought I hadn't seen a female housemate masturbate since Sam in the box, but someone reminded me about Kinga. I can't remember who came first now. Boom boom! (sorry)
Female masturbation is something so ignored that it's great to see it even MENTIONED now and again, let alone carried out, if only by implication.
Sexual antics warning coming up, AFTER Tiffany has wanked off. Ha. I suppose that was behind a toilet door.
What the fuck are John and GC doing in the loo? Ho come GC is being bearable tonight? It's awful! I live to hate her. I love the fact she's had no airtime though. She was becoming unwatchable.
I'm glad the boys are including Tiffany now. Those masks give the whole show a bit of an orgy vibe.
Truth or dare! Now Tiffany is finally enjoying herself! A bottle of prosecco, a wank and two snogs (well, four). That's a decent night by anyone's standards. And good for Jeremy - a great mindgame to play on Steph. Let's see how she likes the tables being turned.
Tiffany thinks Scotty would be great at 'eating pussy.' She said 'Jez is a cheeseburger but Scotty's the Big Mac.' Zing! Nice to see them let their hair (and their pants) down.
OMG! Tiffany asked Darren Day if he'd fantasised about cheating on his wife. She's kicking it up a notch! He paused for WAY too long, then said he 'swore on his kids lives he hadn't.' You're allowed to fantasise, Darren. So you're telling me he doesn't look at porn? He's trying too hard to be squeaky clean. I'm not buying it. I prefer Tiffany just being like 'RARRGHHHHH!'
I'm not sure why John is saying 'pull my nightie down when you've finished' or even who to, but it's freaking me out.
I love Scotty T motorboating and snogging Tiffany. Megan who? She must be SEETHING.
Jeremy and Scotty crawling round at Tiffany's feet and her giggling. This is more like it! The mantub could become the gangbang tub!
Tiffany and Scotty in the shower was gold. Tiffany would definitely fuck him. Dear God, her looking at Scotty's dick in the shower, did she grab it, too?! 'It's BIG! That shit would blow my back out. I want to bite it.' OMG! I am speechless. I think Megan's TV just went over.
Uh oh, Jeremy confessing to Stephanie he kissed Tiffany. This is not gonna go well. Fuck this Jeremy and Steph shit, let's see Tiffany and Scotty, at least they're enjoying themselves.
Stephanie: 'I'm nothing to you anyway, we're just pals, you can do what you like.' OK then. Why have you got a face like a slapped arse then? Jeremy is playing her a good 'un.
Jeremy: 'You're allowed to play me like a fool when you've got a boyfriend and I'm not allowed to have a game with the lads.'
Steph: 'I've put so much on the line for you then the one time I'm ill you neck off with someone else.' What is this 'necking off'? She sounds like Austin from #bb17. So is she admitting she's dumped her boyfriend? No, she's STILL hedging her bets!
Jeremy is drunk and getting a bit bolshy. He's annoyed that she wants to marry her boyfriend. He's right though, it is one rule for her and another for him. I think he's right to try and force her hand. Which brings us back to Tiffany... hopefully the winner of CBB 2016. Fingers crossed Danniella will go tomorrow, if not, I'll happily say goodbye to Chris or even Scotty. Hopefully they won't spring any twist crap on us. And aren't more people going in? This could be interesting/shit. Watch this space.

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Big Brother, plz grow some balls

Shit, since I last wrote a blog THREE people have left! It's been a quieter week this week, and still we've lost three. As Emma said, it's lucky they put 16 in. CONVENIENT, you might say if you suspected certain people were on a contract.
So it's a sad goodbye to David Gest (RIP), a fuck you to Angie Bowie (in the paper today saying Bowie strangled her; thought she didn't want to talk to the press?) Apparently she gave up £200,000 to walk. She wasn't worth £200.
I was very pleased to see the housemate evicted was rat-on-the-beach Megan. God, can someone sort out her style, the Princess Anne hair and the Dallas make-up makes her look in her fifties. I was chuffed to see her go instead of a decent housemate like Tiffany or John. I was surprised to see so many people boohooing on Twitter about Megan leaving. She had no redeeming features, thick as fuck, psychotic and a borderline racist. Excuse me if I don't cry my eyes out. Oh, she did have one redeeming feature, I take it back. Her arse cheeks. Or is that two? Either way, see ya.
It's obvious GC was going to stay on eviction night because the idiot general public (t.m. Helen Wood) AND the producers seem to love her despite the fact she is literally blowing up their game by refusing to play it. So then they give her immunity. You can say she picked where to stand but one of the task team could pushed a gold OR white mask up, cos let's face it, the handles they were turning weren't operating the boxes. Jeremy pulled his off (oo-er) and it still popped up. That sentence didn't get any better, did it?
So I suppose the 'top story' apart from GC vs John is Stephanie and Jeremy. I admire Stephanie just because she's the only one standing up to Gemma. Christopher and Darren finally appeared to say a couple of negative things about Gemma, AFTER they heard her get booed. Steph's thrush battle yesterday was revolting in more ways than one. But what was more gross than pigeon shit knickers, or creaming your knickers over Jeremy and admitting it, or knickers being left on the table, or the gang up eyes (redux) is people on Twitter calling Steph a slag. And it's not just the people using that word, it's the whole tone of the self-appointed morality police. They're worse than Scotty T. Who does it actually affect that Steph is 'cheating' (if you can call it that) on her boyfriend on TV? Her boyfriend. How awful for him, etc. But is it affecting your life? No, you're being given content for a TV show you watch. You might not want to watch that; I don't particularly, either, I think it's played out. She's not going to dump her boyfriend and commit to Jeremy, she's keeping her options open and I DON'T BLAME HER. Jeremy could just as easily fuck off back to Ireland. She's got Big Brother Brain and Jeremy is her Big Brother Boyfriend. Her OWN boyfriend has surely dumped her by now. But I don't think Steph can see outside the situation like we can. I think she probably thinks she can patch it up. Maybe she can. And if she can, or she can't, what's it got to do with us? Of course we can comment on the show, and what she's doing and blah blah blah, that's what Twitter and blogs and pods are for. But take a look at yourself, and ask yourself, have you ever done anything wrong in your life? The fact is, the Twitter handwringers are just like GC when she saw Jeremy and Steph under the covers; pleased as fucking punch to have something to be outraged about. So do us all a favour, and get off your high horse (if you're on one). Otherwise, you're no better than John Partridge, ha.
Anyway, in other news I heard GC cut her finger and has been 'rushed to hospital'. Don't rush back. Is it wrong to hope she gets gangrene? She'll probably come back with the Sunday papers and a new wardrobe.
Tiffany has been doing SO WELL lately. Her bathroom convo with John on the live feed over knickergate was one of the weirdest and most compelling things I've seen. Two true gamers in action, hamming it up. Fuck, yes. I think John is great and he must stay to the end. He's so dramatic and totally fake, therefore a great housemate.
So who's writing the warning, cos we've had Highly Offensive, HIGHLY OFFENSIVE and now HIGHLY Offensive language. But which is worse?
Er, why the fuck is Gemma getting a blowdry? Typical selfish bitch move by her there. Why doesn't she just fuck off home if she wants a blowdry? I actually think I hate her more than any other person on Big Brother ever. Is that even possible? The levels of bile runneth over! I spend the entire episode FURIOUS. Can't be healthy. No wonder Chris and Darren are nervous wrecks.
Bossing the hairdresser around, argh! Hold on, is that the stripper from the other night? I note that was cut from the highlights, and not surprised as I thought it was borderline sexual assault. Plus who wants a stripper with a beard? This beard thing must end soon. It's already been going on ten years too long. BEARDS ARE DISGUSTING. SHAVE THEM OFF.
So it's not 'a proper Essex blowdry'. What does that entail, glittery hairspray and a magazine deal at the end of it? Yes, she's still fucking moaning. GC is getting the full Frankie Grande edit from the producers now. They must despise her because she's making them look a fool. She has no respect for Big Brother, won't do tasks, comes and goes as she pleases. Just get a fucking turnstile in and be done with it.
Stephanie informing Jeremy about her required after sex etiquette while holding his hand. Can we just call her relationship done and let them get on with it? Then I can actually enjoy the romance instead of it being a bit grubby. It makes me cringe when I see them together, not because I care, but because I know I'm going to have to unfollow another 20 people on Twitter calling her a slag. And they were people whose opinions I respected, people I liked. And that hurts my feelings.
So here it is, Gemma tried to peel a potato with the sort of knife that should probably be banned in Big Brother and cut her finger 'through to the bone'. Darren: 'That's quite a bit of claret.' Is that you, Danny Dyer? Bleed, bitch, bleed!
Dt Ottoman was in no rush. Let's hope she treats him better than she does her hairdresser. GC has gone to the hospital to get stitches. Imagine how relieved they must all feel. I wonder if we'll ever get to evict her and feel the same way?
I just missed the rules to the task but I guess I'll figure it out. Oh it's like 15 to 1. You answer a question and then knock someone out (not like that, although...). Scotty T thinks Darren might win the whole show. Danniella made Chris lose a life 'cos he's her friend'. Er...?
Tragic that Christopher didn't dare say Gemma was the drama queen of the house. What a fucking wet weekend. He nom-vommed her face to face! He'd been growing on me, too. I hate the words 'man up' but MAN UP has never been more apt in this case.
Scotty T targeting Steph again. With friends like him, who needs enemies? And still he'll win it.
GC threatening Danniella: 'Play it properly then.' Scary. She's like a one-woman mafia.
Gemma's face when Stephanie was being honest about what a cunt she is. Danniella sticking her oar in. What a bitch.
Danniella: 'I want a gift from my kids.' Who said it was that anyway? She's demented. I know she's having a bad day, but Jesus. I read on Twitter the prize was a facial. You can't just make up what prize you want. If you want to see a picture of your kids, go home. I hope your letter from home gets shredded, too.
So Danniella was cool to lose a life when it was Scotty, but not when it was Steph. 'And so you know it.' Gemma's face said she got whatever she wanted. Danniella stormed out the room.
GC (shouting): 'Stop it cos you're a very nasty girl!' Steph hadn't actually said a word. Then Gemma goes, 'She's mugging you off left right and centre' to Jeremy. Then she screams in the kitchen 'She don't let up!' Who? YOU! Steph was just playing the game, participating in the task, an alien concept to you, I know. Disappointed to see Tiffany go with them. She had a duff edit tonight.
Danniella: 'The bird's a fucking bully.' How has Steph bullied anyone? She's the one BEING BULLIED. And I don't use that word lightly, although I generally don't give a shit about that word (unlike slag). Which brings us to:
'You're a fucking slag, love!' Danniella screams, while out of earshot. Really brave. Well you're a washed-up dog. Then they bash out the fire exit and Gemma goes 'they either remove her or we're going.' Um... do you want an Uber or just get the bus?
I love the fact the task just went on after Gemma and Danniella flounced off. Jeremy and Steph are the last two standing and he threw it to her. That was actually a really sweet moment. Whatever you think of Steph, her relationship with Jeremy is real, unlike GC and Danniella's, which is rotten.
So Christopher can see that GC is fucking up Danniella's chances, but will he dare say it to anyone but Darren? The chainsmoking chickens in the corner! They should have a sign up in the corner saying 'Spines not required'. Christopher is right, GC is playing Danniella. That sums it up completely. I'd really warmed to Christopher after that jungle task, but I'm really fed up with him when he won't stand up and be counted. If he DOES, he could go deep.
The housemates are playing charades when the miserable cows re-enter. I'm shocked they don't even get a warning from Big Brother. They looked very cheerful in the DR. They are MUGGING OFF Big Brother (and us watching). Gemma doesn't mind going in a cage now. That claustrophobia clears up quickly, doesn't it?
Then they come back in and say sorry to Jeremy, but not Steph. It's just wrong. That felt horrible.
I'm really pleased Steph has immunity but less of the 22-year-old girl crap. She's right to feel aggrieved, though. She's not 'over thinking it'. She understands it completely. She gets it.
There was a bit with John getting involved (never!) and Tiffany summing it all up in the DR but that doesn't really need repeating. 
Danniella then apologised. I do think Danniella is just a basketcase in with the wrong crowd. Her apology seemed genuine - I think she's just missing her kids, but no need to be sexist.
Gemma to Steph: 'Giwls have gotta stick togevver.' Ok then. Steph seems to be hinting she's done with her boyfriend now. About time. I wish she'd just say it outright.
Random moment of the night: Tiffany to Darren: 'You're such a force in here. You're so sexy and masculine.' A force! He's less than a drip. Darren thinks she's on a task but he's 'very flattered.' Tiffany thought he was 30! Hahaha. Darren: 'I'm happily married.' LOL. He's not trying to be a love rat in there, Tiffany. All I can think is Darren Day smells great or something. Women just fall at his feet. But in reality, he must smell like Rothmans.
Don't forget to listen to Big Brother Bile, it's going a bit stale now, but should be a fresh episode early next week: Bit on the snide
Cheers for reading. Goodnight! 

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Lip Sync Prattle

 OMG I can't actually listen to this rat screeching again. Is it a double tonight? I can't believe she's not up. She would stay anyway, because those moronic people going 'ooh ooh' would vote for her. I'm sure she or Scotty T will win as their show starts on MTV next week. I'm onto you, Ted-demol. Plus that bedwetter won.
Who's doing Emma's hair these days, Donald Trump?
At least they've got their hashtag in check, I hate #cbb2016 even though I've been doing it like a mug.
I honestly think Nancy/Angie will go as they've had zilch airtime the past two days. A noms twist? I'm definitely not voting.
Why is Gemma getting cheers? I knew Jeremy would. Must be the Aquafresh crew in the crowd. They fucking love watching him brush his teeth while wearing his coat. Really turns them on.
Megan's hangover must be REAL. So everyone today is going 'Megan has a point, she just expressed it badly.' Er... there's expressing something badly and there's turning into a fucking banshee on crack.  She is POISON.
A few people seem annoyed with John now. Danniella; 'A few people sit in corners and load the gun.'
John has stirred the pot but it's NOTHING compared to what Megan did yesterday. I am still agog she's even in the house.
Stephanie 'doesn't remember' kissing Jeremy, ha. Good one. A friend of mine pulls that one after a few drinks and ends up in a strange woman's bed.
Oh Danniella is saying Gemma 'loads the gun', I thought she meant John.
Megan's warning: Aggressive. So she was aggressive, racist, hit the camera, had a go at Big Brother and she's still there. Megan is still arguing with Big Brother! OMG. Get the hint. Then Tiffany got a warning for 'rising out of bed'. Stupid. Big Brother is racist. Keeps a racist in the house and has a go at a black person. Typical!
If I was a housemate I'd be SHOCKED to see her back. Megan is back and still 'agged': 'From what I remember...' Don't think that's going to stand up in a court of law. Darren: 'Tiffany was the one who got out of bed.' Grow some balls, man! God, what a shrew. I really want to like him, but he just agrees with whoever he's talking to.
Megan is trying to explain to Tiffany in her sober state that she's not a nutbag. Too late, man, too late.
Gemma: 'Megan, you did nuffink wrong last night.' Psycho enabler.
Megan: 'Maybe because I was drunk last night I wasn't explaining it right.' You could say that. You know, calling her a 'ghetto cunt' and all that. Megan is the epitome of white trash, btw.
John: 'It was nothing to do with me.' What about 'clearing up shit' gate? Christopher Maloney needs more airtime. Along with Gest.
Gemma: 'People have smelt the shit and woken up to it.' Most of it is coming out of your mouth.
John can't believe how people manipulate in there, cos he thought it was just him doing it, ha.
Who's more intelligent, a lemon in a sock or Scotty T? Can we vote for the lemon in a sock to win?
Megan 'aint disrespecting Big Brother.' She hasn't ruined my view on her, I thought she was scum and she IS scum. If she's ever read a book, then I'd be fucking shocked.
OK a new task, lip sync battle. Hey, isn't that on in a minute? Tricksy! Guess what, I still won't be watching. Fuck you, C5. Scotty T thinks it's fun though, so that's the main thing. What's the point of a task with no shitstir aspect? At least give us some outside contact, lol.
Shit, Christopher Maloney in drag looks like Dobby from Peep Show (illustrated above, like Smash Hits).
I like the song Bonkers. Jeremy doesn't seem to know the words. He's lost without his toothbrush. David thinks it was 'absolutely fantastic.' Once Ash Harrison said those words and the next day, Armageddon happened. Go figure.
I'm not sure what Jonathan would say if he could see Gemma's outfit today, but I think it might be 'eek.'
I forgot to watch Nancy and Angie because... weeeeeeelll.
Isn't it great to see them having fun? No. Well it's OK, Gemma's here to ruin it. 'We're not mugs, we're from Essex.'
Haha, when you're so common you think John Patridge is posh. *embarrassed face emoji* David Gest is trying to stop Gemma and Megan winding each other up. Gemma: 'I want to know what the wink meant.' It means John thinks you're a pair of cunts.
If Darren keeps hanging out with Gemma he will go down in my estimation BADLY. The fact Gemma and Megan hate John is making me like John again. There's a lot of ups and downs with this show. But then someone reminded me about him trying to get Tiffany out by force. But still, at least he's not Gemma or Megan. It's a scale here.
Stephanie is worried she might get booed. She'll be lucky if she's not burnt at the stake in slutshame Britain.
Ooh Angie's jacket is rather fab. Stephanie is getting some cheers. Things have changed since the Hazel days, haven't they? And Hazel was in Jeremy's position, if you get my meaning. Get who out? Get John out! OMG. Do people like Darren that much, ha? The good part will be seeing him to try and change up his game and failing. Aw. What about his musical in Northampton?
And why not 'get Megan out'?! Is the idiot general public really that dumb? (Yes)
Did Gemma have the most votes to save?! WTF. I AM NOT ON THE SAME PLANET AS YOU PEOPLE. I knew Stephanie was safe. One of the oldies will go. I'm glad they keep Jeremy waiting at least. He'll have time to brush his teeth again, at least. Mmm, sexy! (blergh)
And we're back in the room. Why is Nancy getting booed? She's done nothing. Not even nothing wrong, just nothing. I would have prefered her to stay over Angie. She had more to offer. We didn't even get to hear her slag off Ulrika. I would have enjoyed that.
I find Nancy strangely classy and interesting, or intriguing at least. Emma is talking to her like she's an idiot.
Nancy: 'Some situations it's not even worth it to have an opinion.' True. Pretty boring interview, really. 'Too polite to stay in the house.' True. It was so random when she picked Scotty T FTW. I think those two had a bit of a thing.
Nancy's 'friends and family' looked like Jason Statham.
Oh God, don't let these cunts choose. They're letting Gemma, Angie, Jeremy and Stephanie vote. WHY! WHY!!!
All the old people will be nominated. Darren, John, Gest. Ooh Angie nommed Kristina but took so long she didn't give a reason. Gemma nommed John for nomming Darren. What a smug bitch.
Jeremy nommed Tiffany. Stephanie nommed Danniella. Christopher Maloney was lucky to not get nommed! Good stuff. I'm glad Gest and Darren weren't nommed either. Kristina will go. DISGUSTING that Megan is not up. I fucking HATE Megan and Gemma. Pond life look down on these two. Pond life look like Nancy Dellollio compared to these two.
PS: Sorry to keep you waiting with the podcast, James has been ill and also doing some overtime so we're a bit behind schedule. We'll be back on air(time) on Monday or Tuesday. Also should be on track to do regular pods after that as his shifts will work out better. The next one should be pretty packed, I'd imagine, like an episode of Sistah Speak, late but long! Thanks for your patience!
PPS: I like Emma's coat. That's the only good thing I have to say about her.

The X Factor: aint no black in the union jack

Hi how are you? I'm still ill and miserable. And I don't think this is going to help.
Group song! 'He's an Xbox and I'm more Atari?' WTF is this song. I'm so out of touch. Yet I'm so glad to be out of touch.
Buble! Morrissey's not a fan. I'm not a fan of the music, but he comes across well in interviews. I don't think he takes it very seriously. I'm still fast forwarding this section.
I watched the Piers and Cheryl interview today. She seemed miserable as sin, but I guess she's had a bad year. Still, there's just something very sour about her generally. I did feel a bit sorry for her though, which I guess was the required emotional reaction.
So is she miming? Unless she's been gargling anti-freeze I'd say so. That robot voice don't come natural. Looks like she forgot to put her trousers on. She should have forgotten the jacket too, it's gross. This song doesn't have a tune. Her legs look cute, though.
Dermot: 'even Louis was having a little look'. What CAN he mean?
Now for the results. Aiden and Wagner through; cool. And Katie! Interesting. Glad Belle Amie weren't in the bottom as well.
An all-black bottom three! Well, what do you know. I wasn't expecting that result.
It's time for John to go. He doesn't interest me and Treyc is clearly the better singer. Still, he seems like a nice guy. But who wants a nice guy in the competition? I want trembling, theatrics, bad rapping. Plus he's got another bad suit on.
He sounds off singing this Kelly Clarkson song. It's like he's drunk at the karaoke.
It's clear no matter how well Treyc sings, people just can't warm to her. So I'd rethink the 'rock chick' thing, Cheryl.
OMG what the hell is this Treyc is singing? Awful. She should stay in, but only just.
Bye John. He took it well. Enjoy watching Wagner pant his way through more silly songs. I know I will.
Note to Dannii: I'm giving you one more week to sort out your dishwater hair or the baby gets it.

The X Factor: These are the things I could do without

Soz I didn't blog The Apprentice this week, I was a bit ill. Thought it was a bit duff anyway- the tasks are less imaginative than Big Brother.
Hopefully this blog won't disappear into cyberspace like X Factor blogs past.
My boyfriend has skulked off to bed because he doesn't want to watch it. I predict he'll be back within 20 mins. Time starts now.
I declare all songs tonight should have a Harry Hill style ending. Coffee and TV!
Paije on first. Oh Paige. Why are you still there when Diva Fever and Nicolo aren't? Damn that wild card. Having said that, this is the best song Paije has done. Having said THAT, that's not saying much. He looks like he picked up his outfit at the local jumble sale. He's spent two quid, but it was 50p to get in.
Oh yeah, his nan died, didn't she? Can I get a sympathy vote?
Oh, now John. Great they're getting all the exciting acts out the way first. His hair looks cool, but lawks, the dry ice? That jacket is rough, too. This song blows.
Ey up, what are those dancers doing? Oh my boyfriend just emerged. He's not happy! Clearly not a John fan. I don't think he's missed enough to truly enjoy the rest.
Louis is such a hateful little cunt, isn't he? Horrible little man. Mind you, Cheryl and Dannii are both cold, too. It's just an all-round arsefest. At least Cheryl looks good. I like the sugar pink.
Is Rebecca wearing a Cheryl wig? That dress is peculiar, like she's got a ledge in it. Red hair, red lips, pink dress, it's all a bit much. I'd lose the lipstick at least. What is this song? I wish people would do some songs I know.
Boyfriend is sulking. He just said, 'is it drudgery week?'
Ooh, Simon taking a pop at Elton John. Put your handbags down, ladies.
My boyfriend's verdict on Cher: 'she looks like a cunt.' I think she looks like Tina from Corrie, but with massive eyes. Like a bug version.
Danni's looks like she's come as Dr. Foster from Lie to Me tonight. I'm rather obsessed with Lie to Me right now. It's the new Medium.
I wish Cher was doing Then Jerico instead of Tears for Fears. Is it another mash up? Is she in fancy dress? I think the make-up artist has got a bit excited tonight, like they've been given access to some colours they've never seen before. As usual Cher's a din, but it's a lot more interesting than Paije or John.
Matt. The man. The hat. The legend. Card-ell, Dermot? Card-AL. It's like Paul Burrell all over again. Britney! Don't do a Darius, dude. Oh no, Darius actually made this fun and exciting. This is just 98% dirge. Ah, Darius. Darius Danesh. Darius Campbell. Either way, he's a dreamboat. Matt is not. I think Simon's idea of 'incredible' and 'genius' are different to mine; ie. mental.
OMG Dermot just dissed Darius. FU Dermot.
Boyfriend thinks this band is called 'One true direction'. Nearly. He's cheered up a bit now. I think he's looking forward to Wagner, and he's trying to guess what Aiden might sing. This means he's into it.
One Direction are like the Slick man, they always deliver. What song is this?! I do fancy one of them, the one with the long eyelashes and the black hair. Don't tell anyone. Urgh that foetus one just winked.
Louis: 'it's like five Justin Beiber's'. Don't have nightmares!
They've mentioned Topshop about 12 million times tonight. TOPSHOP. Send me a cardie.
Treyc. I don't think anyone was screaming for her at Topshop. Well, unless she left a tag on something.
Why have they done her up like Brandon Flowers? This song is awful. She's murdering it. Do you think that guitar's plugged in?
I wish they'd STFU about Elton. He's NOT WATCHING. He's ordering David Furnish around his gigantic mansion.
You can't just 'become' a rock chick, Cheryl. It's not like Courtney Love was a choir girl and then stuck on some red lipstick and started growling.
Mary's out of ideas already. Zzzz. She should do Common People. 'I took her to the supermarket..' I'd like to see her in the bottom three tomorrow, give her a jolt.
Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Is he doing Diamonds are Forever? I only know that because I've got the Arctic Monkeys doing it at Glastonbury on my Itunes.
I like it when he goes all trembly and cross-eyed. His hair looks fucking cool. Move over R-Pattz, there's a new kid in town.
Louis likes Shirley Bassey. In other news, Simon's hair is flat.
You could tell Aiden didn't agree with what Cheryl said. Don't invoke the name of Kanye, Chezza. He's no role model.
Ooh, Dannii did nick the idea from the Arctic Monkeys. At least she admitted it.
I like this song than Belle Amie are doing. I thought their voices sounded quite good, actually. I like their blue mascara, too. Dannii is slagging their styling, but she's wearing the same thing.
Dermot clearly hates Louis! I love it.
Oh my fucking GOD LOUIS HIS NAME IS PRONOUNCED VAGNER, NOT WAGNER. And he says Simon doesn't care about his acts. If I was Wagner, I'd just call Louis Lewis from now on until he gets it.
I was singing Spice Up Your Life in the bath the other day. It is in the top five Spice Girl songs, I'd say. He's completely out of time as usual. Medley! He's shaking! Living la vida loca is obviously a tune as well. it wasn't exactly seamlessly blended in.
Wagner looks under pressure. I think I could sing better than this. Wagner hates the Spice Girls! He is Louis's puppet.
It said in Heat that Katie had her own American reality series! Sweet. I hate the Jungle Book. My boyfriend just said: 'I feel isolated from society at times like this.' Oh, I thought we'd progressed!
Do you think it would be humanly possible to get a comb through Katie's hair? I say no. I don't get the 50s jungle book thing. Her and Wagner in the bottom two, I reckon. Wow, I can't believe she's getting such good comments. The only way that would have worked is to have gone all drum n bass in the middle.
It's OVER. Now what? I'm not allowed to watch Xtra Factor. Gonna get locked back in my cupboard without any dins. If I'm not out by tomorrow, send food parcels.

The X Factor: The Death of Diva Fever

So again last night I spent two hours of my life (as I was getting ready to go out, no less) writing a few hundred words (of complete shit, admittedly) and BLOGGER went 'oops, we can't process that request'. WTF? Is it just X Factor blogs? Is it my netbook? Am I cursed? Are my blogs getting so bad they need to be vetoed before they even hit the page? Either way, Blogger, you're a cunt.
So, this is Sunday's blog, not Saturdays as advertised.
So, brief thoughts from last night: Cheryl looked great. Storm was on first (death box) and sang flat but thanks to the judges being deaf from all the crowd noise they failed to notice. Treyc has got a good voice, yet she gets on my nerves. She's got this Myleene Klass smug thing about her where you just want to slap her, but can't put your finger on the reason why. Yet when I hear her accent I like her a bit more. Dermot night: 'that was amazing.' Treyc: 'I know.' Enough said.
The others in brief: Cher: puppety. There in something inherently hateful about her, but I still kind of like her. Katie: mouse ears. Wagner: very classy the way he replied to that question about Mary. Rebecca: much better, looked stunning and I liked her song. One Direction! Let's hope it's home. Mary: good song, and good singer, but she's not for me. John: who? Diva Fever did a song with virtually no lyrics, which is a good move. They should have done Wham! Matt: gives me the creeps and looks like he's shitting himself when he sings.
I didn't like them being nasty to Aiden! Admittedly he was singing a song 'everybody knows' that we'd never heard of, but I like his spazz attacks and flat bits. That's what makes a real singer, not a fucking Joe Mcelderry.
I think Simon Cowell was on the over-excitable pills last night as he called Rebecca 'genius' and One Direction the best band in Britain right now. What, better than the Kaiser Chiefs?
Also what was with the 'heroes' theme?! I had never heard of half those songs, or people.
RESULTS show! Ironically, my hair looks exactly like Katie's today. But with zero effort!
Medley! I thought that Lady Gaga song was quite good actually, they did quite a good job! Shit I've never thought that about one of those bits- ever!
I have never heard a Diane Vickers song. I don't think I live on the same universe as everyone else. Ugh this song sounds horrible! It doesn't have a tune. It just sounds like someone's got Karen O stuck under the lawnmower. It felt like watching a kid play at being a popstar. And I hate to say it, because she's beautiful, but she was pushing it having that much of those legs out.
OMG Katie Perry is off! Maybe some starts should mime after all. Why do all her songs have this really dreadful 90s trace sound behind them? She is almost proudly rubbish. The thought of Morrissey having to pander to this dullard makes me want to punch Russell Brand in the face, and I love Russell Brand.
'Boom boom boom even brighter than the moon...' just get me the fucking gun, now.
Glad to see Katie straight through. How are all Louis's act surviving?!
Diva Fever, Storm and Belle Amie in the bottom three. Storm looks livid! Put that old dog down. Storm; face it, NO ONE LIKES YOU. What a 'trier' essentially means, 'what a failure'.
Wow Diva Fever went down fighting! That was the most gloriously gay thing I've ever seen! I love I Will Survive! Wow, that was amazing.
Belle Amie look like they're being dragged out to face the firing squad. Put on a brave face; the show must go on.
Aw can't believe Diva Fever went out in a clean SWEEP! Cruel! Just as I realised I think I fancied one of them. Odd, I know.
Yet still we have to suffer through John, One Direction... funny old world.

The X Factor: Just Dance (off)

Not sure I'm going to get much blog mileage out of this results show but I'll give it a bash. I predict the show will be 10% content, 90% padding. My blog will mirror this exactly.
Hope Nicolo survives this week anyway. I think he got a bit shafted.
Oh god, I hate the bits where they all sing, it's so cheesy. It works on American Idol but not here.
Isn't it past One Direction's bedtime? There's too many contestants, I can't work out who's who. We need to do some serious culling. Oh god, they're even flogging the group song, how tragic.
I don't like Dannii's dishwater hair colour. She looks rubbish. UGH Usher. The only good thing he's ever done is The Faculty. I genuinely couldn't name a song of his. I can't even slag off his performance because for health and safety reasons I was forced to fast-forward through it. I mean, do we really need a black Justin Timberlake? The white one is odious enough. Eww, look at Usher's facial fuzz.
God, I've heard people say 'there's something about Mary' about FIFTEEN BILLION TIMES already. STOP IT.
Wow, Joe McElderry! Has he got his teeth fixed yet? Even gay he manages to be utterly bland. I don't believe he's ever had a cock in his mouth. Mind you, I suppose there is a vacant slot for a new Stephen Gately (RIP).
Is he MIMING?! Fack me. God it's like Ray Quinn resurrected. This song is kinda catchy though, LOL!
Aww cute when Dermot picked him up. LIVING THE DREAM. Yes. My boyfriend had a dream last night he shoved his long-deceased cat into a thermos flask because it was talking to him, so living that dream isn't always so desirable. THINK ON MCELDERRY.
RESULTS! Already? That actually felt like a manageable amount of flim flam.
NOOOOO I don't want Katie or Nicolo to go! Sad face.
As I predicted. Nicolo got shafted. He looks handsome tonight. He looks shocked. I think he's got a good voice, people just don't like him. I guess he doesn't help himself with that attitude.
OMG FYD are shit! Please send them home, not Katie. She can really sing. They look like they've got their school uniform on. Go home, Penfold. Wow they are spectacularly ugly for a boyband.
Katie's nails look nice. Don't let her down... please don't stop the music... what can they be trying to say!?
Dermot looks like he really cares, doesn't he? He does a good job.
Yay, so glad Katie survived. She's more interesting than FYD and their scarves. Oh yeah, they opened the show yesterday! Well, they clearly weren't valued then. They got the death box!
Now let's just sit for a minute and contemplate that Wagner got more votes than Katie and Nicolo. Bon(go)kers!

The X Factor: Simon's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Harry Hill has put me in a good mood, so looking forward to getting stuck into some X Factor. I'm half an hour behind so can fast forward the adverts too! Win-win!
Gamu gate! Zzz. I honestly couldn't care less. I like Katie! Gamu had a good voice, but no X Factor for me.
WILD CARDS. Please put Diva Fever back in! Not fussed about anyone else.
Is Louis seriously putting that dude through?! Fuck me. Should have been EARS dude.
Yeah it is Diva Fever! LOLS. So pleased. Do you think they were expecting Simon, or do they wear a lot of glittery eyeliner during the day? (it could be either TBH)
Cheryl still aint putting Gamu through. She's putting that smuggard through instead. Oh well, at least she's black.
Fuck me, sixteen to get through now, this is going to be one LOOOOOOOONG night. So glad my dinner's nearly ready. Cheryl looks day-glo orange. She looks like she's got that toasted skin problem I read about this week.
OMG Diva Fever's suits! Lordy.
Ah, so they're nicking that songs available to download on Itunes idea off of Must Be the Music. I SEE. They should nick Dizzee Rascal as a judge too; he's amazing! He's worth about 40 billion of Cheryl and would be 40 billion times cheaper.
FYD- what does that stand for? Fuck, you're dreadful? The lead singer looks like Penfold. On first, so they're fucked anyway. UGH this is shit. I hope they're ejecting three acts tonight. They'll need to.
Matt lives with his parents... lame. You shouldn't start receeding before you leave home, should you? I wish he'd take that stupid fucking hat off. Coldplays. But it's not Coldplay. I'm confused. Why is he wearing job interview clothes, but with that hat? He's really strange, I don't know what to make of that performance.
John also lives with his mum. God, he's so boring I could cry. I'm praying he goes bang when he sings his song too. POP!
God, this is even worse than I imagined. Truly AWFUL.
I can see right up Dannii's nose. Simon's saying he looks great?! He looks AWFUL. That was soooo cheesy. I can't believe they were so kind to him. Genu-whine!
I like Rebecca. She was pick to win, but as the public are so doggedly racist, who knows? Ooh, she's looking up. Another dated, boring old song. What IS this? What's she wearing too? Where's her cool retro style gone? Gah.
The imperfect Storm! Just pass me the bin to be sick in, dear. What a tragic little man with his wrinkles and pink hair, face etched with desperation. Revolting isn't the word.
I hope Storm does end up on a stretcher. He should do Life is a Pigsty and then they can really lay on the rain effects.
UGH the glitter. Glitter makes me think of nice people like Patrick Wolf and Brian Molko. I can see why the dancers are wearing masks over their faces. I'd be ashamed, too. We built this shitty on rock and roll! Storm is about as relevant as Menswear. No, less relevant. My mum's dog is called Storm. You give my mum's dog a bad name.
Belle amie. They're cute. I've never heard of any of these songs! They look shaky but they just need more time, I think. The blond one looks ten years older than the others. The little black one is cute, and the one with the short hair. I agree with Cheryl's advice. Hope they stay in.
Ooh my dinner is ready. Yummy!
LOL, when I write 'Cher' in my tags, Cheryl Cole comes up. Irony! I like her big eyes and boniness, she's like a Tim Burton character. Her gurning is cool, too. I thought her performance was shaky, to say the least. Definitely not in keeping with what the judges said.
DIVA FEVER! Well, none of the judges mentioned the singing, did they? I don't think the other one sang AT ALL! It's like he just wandered onto the stage for a muck about. They're fun though, they're the gay Jedward, and that can only be a good thing.
Paije is boring, and he was out of tune.
Katie! Not bloody Queen again. WTF is she wearing? She looks like she's under the blowdryer. Why is she so far back? I keep expecting her to do something. I like her voice though. My boyfriend just said 'is Brian May going to come out?' Let's hope not.
FUCK YOU LOUIS. Katie-hatey. Katie is cool. She's annoying, but good. Simon likes her. Who is this 'new wave' of artists Cheryl is speaking of? Clearly she has no clue.
Next up is Groo-bo (Mary). Just when you think you couldn't care any less. She reminds me of that thing out of the little mermaid. My god, they're mad for it!
Nicolo. I like him, he's got a great voice! Lady Gargoyles. OMG what have they done to him! I've got some sunglasses like that from Primark. They were £2. The slick hair is gross, too.
My boyfriend just said 'why isn't he dancing?' God, this is awful! Why is this happening? I hope I just dreamt that. Disturbingly bad.
One Direction (there's nowhere to go but down) make me feel ancient! They look like foetuses. Coldplay again! Chris Martin must be on some deal with these fuckers.
OMG the blond one is so cheesy. Wow, that was a new low in rubbishness. That yodelling bit was like some cats getting thrown off a mountain and into a blender.
I wish someone would put a muzzle on the fucking crowd- it's like being stuck on a tube with a bunch of marauding football supporters.
This Wagner thing is a fucking joke. Where's Justin?!
WTF is that in the background? Bongos! OMG Ricky Martin/ Love shack medley! That was actually amusing.
Honestly, Aiden is the only thing keeping me going through this two and a half hour slog. Well, that and my dinner.
FITFITFITFITFITFITFITFIT. Mad world! Ooh he looks like he's going to stab someone. Theatrics!
He's shaking! I want to go into Aiden's forest. I could look at him all day long. I just said I liked everything about him and my boyfriend said 'what, even the name Grimshaw?' R-Pattz comparisons! Aiden is way fitter than R-Pattz. I feel dizzy. Shame I look about the same age as his mum.
Treyc! She's annoying me even in her video before.
Why have they done her up like Kat Slater? No, auntie Kim! Eh heh. I thought she was quite good actually. She still gets on my wick, through.
Two out tomorrow! Super. I'm off to move around a bit so I don't get DVT.

Big Brother 11: Matress Reloaded

Why is BB on at 8? Now I can’t watch Corrie or Enders! Badness. I have no internet or freeview at the mo so had to try and get my video to work! I didn’t like it. Old technology; you defeated me. New technology: you defeated me.
Is Big Brother even going to work without the swearing? My reality TV buddy JOTV texted me after work to say Shabby had gone walkies. She must have been missing Uncle Biffa. RIP Shabs. You made your mother proud.
So they’re going to buy Steve a new leg, as his current one is on loan. Some seemed keener on that idea than others, didn’t they, Dave. Leg gate! Who did Steve borrow the leg from? The legbrary? I know I wouldn't want to stump up for it! Hohohohohoho.
I liked Mario explaining history to Corin with the use of the ‘big hand’ and the ‘little hand’. Is he going to make sure she eats her dinner with the choo choo train? Mario thinks the Loch Ness Monster is '20 to 30 meters long'. Unconfirmed reports are coming in that Mario's winkie is 3 centimetres long.
Which cause does Ben want to give his imaginary winnings to? Probably restoring Windsor Castle. Or the Raef from The Apprentice benevolent fund. I don't think it's something he needs to worry about too much as he's going to be out this week anyway the way he's behaving.
Do you think we would have got to see the girls flash if it was after 9pm? Or would it have been hidden from us, just like Mario's dinkle? Conspiracy.
God, I hate Ife. She's a total div. Keever and Shabby are 100% tool, don't get me wrong, but the whole situation just stinks of teenage angst. Shabby and Keever being bitter because someone is having fun? No shit. It's a national cunt disco.
Bedgate! Ooh, Corin is getting angry. Back off, she's radioactive.
John James looked like he wanted to be in the bedroom rather than at the party with proud-to-be-a-moron Corin, Neanderthal Nathan, idiot Ife and Saint Steve. Who can blame him? (And this line-up, by the way, is what you've got to look forward to in the final three weeks, mark my words).
Ife's idea of a 'wicked time' and mine is something different. I think Ife thinks she's coming off as some sort of renegade who we're all sitting at home cheering on when actually we just think she's a whingey little turncoat dullard.
Ife STOP BEING SO SANCTIMONIOUS. Careful, Ife, your dignity is getting compromised. I wish Ife was in a fishbowl, being held under. But to be fair to her, she did say quite clearly 'I don't want to talk right now'. So why not just leave her be?
Keever's neck vein looked ready to pop.
Shabby and Keever looked genuinely depressed in the diary room. At least Shabby actually meant it about leaving this time. So what will Keever do when she's gone? Wage war on Ife? Make friends with Ife?
I felt a bit sad watching her go. I don't know why. Oh yeah I do. It's because as much of a dimlo as Shabby was, at least she had a personality. The rest of the house can barely scrape together one between them.

Big Brother 11: Nathan Gnarly

Another day, another task, more contact with the outside world. I HATE these army tasks, they make me cringe.
Oh, Shabby, London doesn't love you back. I thought she was from Milton Keynes anyway? She isn't so proud of the concrete cows.
Ben giving it back to the army guy was quite funny. He did FIVE MINUTES, what more do they want? Haha. I'm glad he put Dave up! Dave's been let off the hook easy so far. He took that quite well, if anything.
Did Dave just go to have a wash in the pool? Urgh.
Shopping list bullshit! Not interested. Vote Nathan out and end his kitchen tyranny. See him give the shopping list up to Josie then stomp off like a complete twat. Dave just wants the men to sort it out. 'Take it outside, ladies'. Shopping is not that difficult.
Keever has been cleaning her teeth for the whole of the highlights. Shabby is SPOILING for a fight.
Oh, Ben. He's not a team player. But at least he's not an uncouth, grunting, rude, ugly, moronic, hairy man-pig like Nathan.
I hate these BBLB tasks! FORMAT FAIL.
Does Keever ever say anything pleasant about anyone? How can someone manage to be so dull and so conceited at the same time?
Look at them scavenging crisps! Hiding them away. RIP Sunshine.
Have you noticed how the majority of the smokers are complete arseholes? Just saying.
Oh Mario, give it a rest. Make up with Ben quick before nomination time. For all the long words he drops into sentences, his emotional intelligence is zero. That make up hug was awkward.
I like the silver sheets! We got silky sheets recently though and it didn't work out so well. Too slippy!
I ask again; why have we never got to see Mario running round naked?! I'm sure he thinks that was his finest hour and it hasn't even been shown.
Aw to Ben not getting his suitcase back. I want to see more of his clobber. I'm sick of all the Ben bashing.
Nathan doesn't like upper class people? NO SHIT. Classist prick. Nathan doesn't know any intelligent people, he probably thinks if you can answer the phone-in quiz on GMTV you're a member of fucking Mensa.
Why IS Nathan so aggressive? Do you think he was dropped on his head as a baby?
John James looks so handsome when he smiles. Shame he's such a numpty. Are him and Josie in love? I can't tell. It feels like it might all end in tears.
Anyway, blah-bluh-bleh, as Morrissey would say.

Big Brother 11: Oh, Ben, don't come to the house tonight

Ouch! Shabby got caught out there slagging Corin. That was bad timing. Stop digging, Shabby. Corin in the diary room is fairly interminable, though. She’s a nice person, but there’s nothing to her.
Ad break: is it a good idea to call a new skin cream ‘emulsion’? What next, Avon creosote?
Shabby’s reaction to Ben’s task was bitter, but kind of right. Let’s face it, nothing is worse than when they sent Charley out, then put her back in again: ‘hell, yeah’.
Nathan never dares saying something nasty to people’s face, it’s always after they’re just after earshot. They bleeped out the insult he said about Shabby; it’s post-watershed, so it must have been bad. Don’t like the cut of his jib.
I liked Ben’s joke about John James, why didn’t that make the final cut?!
Ooh Mario is really getting nasty towards Ben. I wouldn't be surprised if Mario puts him up next week. Ben says being gay would affect his career in America but he 'doesn't think sexuality is important'. Mario, face it, you and Ben aren't going to be chums outside the house. He's putting up with you and that's it.
I always end up feeling sorry for Ben even when he's in the wrong, he's like a lost puppy. He is shallow, but he's fun, you know. He's entertainment. But he pushes his luck with Mario. Mario has been there for him.
The crowd did not have banners up. I reckon they told them not to boo, too. This mobile home joke stinks.
Wow that took them so long to stand up when Ben came back in I thought they'd been told to stay seated.
There were literally p-p-p-p-poker faces from Shabby and Keever when Sunshine went. I bet Shabby can't fucking believe it! Ha, I'm glad Shabby and Keever don't feel appreciated in the house: FYI it's because you're CUNTS.
Ife is always getting involved in other people's business because she's just a dull wisp of a person.
Mario: just accept Ben doesn't fancy you, love! It doesn't mean he's a homophobe or in the closet.
Thought John James was going for a wank in the cupboard. Turns out he just wants Josie to sleep with him. She should tell him, 'if you want to fuck me, let's do it.' She aint going to get a better offer' especially if her other offer is Nathan.
I feel for Mario, but I think he's tying himself up in knots. His issues are mainly to do with himself, not Ben.

Big Brother 11: Goodbye Sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

I don’t really care who goes tonight, which makes for a bit of a dull eviction emotionally. They are all ‘characters’ but none are particularly likeable. If I was in the house I think I'd strangle Sunshine, slap Shabby and just feel annoyed with Keever.
It was hardly like they asked Ben to snog Mario for a task, he only had to do an arm wrestle. He is being a prima donna. Imagine if he'd had Mario's mole task! He wouldn't have got past putting the outfit on. He got away with picking the stand-up role pretty easy. OMG why is he lying to the group about what Big Brother asked him to do?
Ugh that match.com advert was twee-tronising.
This show is dragging so far. This comedy task aint funny.
Sunshine was laughing at the time but she doesn't know why because she didn't find it funny. Well, how is he meant to know that? Sunshine is digging her own grave right here. John having to tell chicken jokes in the middle of their argument was sadistically amusing. That was weird when Josie told him to shut up. They have a very odd relationship.
Who's that person standing next to Davina? Awkward. It's like Courtney Love's assistant filming up her nose with an iPhone.
This lolly task is a waste of lollies. Mmm, lollies.
I don't know if Ife thinks she's making herself look good by detaching herself from Keever and Ife. It doesn't make me think less of her, but it definitely doesn't make me think more of her.
Uh oh, the screen just died. Someone on digital spy said 'have they tried turning it off and on again?' LOL. That was weird that it just came back on and was up to date. Suspicious. Eviction is not live!
Sending Ben out in front of the crowd? This is wrong! This is diluting the brand! There's so many things wrong with this. He gets to see the crowd/ banners etc. He gets to hear a reaction. It's not cool. Big brother has jumped the shark so many times the shark has become extinct.
Ben has come dressed as one of Morrissey's backing band! OMG cringe! Ben is warming to this! His jokes are peculiar. He's got mascara on! I'm surprised he did it.
How weird that Sunshine went after the way Shabby behaved this week. I can't wrap my head around that. Her dress looks nice. I think she looks quite good, actually.
She didn't even get booed. There seems to be quite a friendly crowd tonight.
More technical problems! It's a tight ship they're running this week.
At least Sunshine dealt with the callers quite well. BB is obviously not happy for the housemates to pick the Bob Righter thing as they keep picking nice days. Didn't Ben ALREADY face the wrath of the tree by doing the stand-up?
Interesting that voiceover guy at the end said the loss of vision was nothing sinister! We'll be the judge of that.

Big Brother 11: Who's your favourite European dictator?

I moved house today! Yet still I blog. Why? Who knows. I'm going to bed soon after.
Josie you've admitted fancying John! Stop lying.
Dear Ben, how about not starting sentences with 'one of my favourite European dictators is...' and finishing it with 'he destroyed three orphanages'. Not much of a vote winner. Why are Ben and Dave cuddling like that? It's so weird. Especially when Dave is saying 'stop kissing and cuddling Mario' whilst cuddling him! It's just borderline homophobia. PS. Dave, aliens more likely exist than God.
Mario looks hot today, kind of stubbly. But I don't trust people who don't 'know themselves' tm. Ashleeeeeen.
Ben talking to the tree of temptation was the lolz. 'Hows your father, apples and pears'. Ben loves the word 'dob'.
I like Sunshine being the fly in Josie's ointment.
Every time they've show Ife tonight she's been stuffing her face.
I don't like the way Keever treats Shabby. Shabby overreacts, but Keever does (warning: Jeremy Kyle speak) 'push her buttons'.
Littlejohn has never been more right than when he said, 'you do care, but you don't want to care' to Josie. I still have no idea what their argument was about though. What I do know is, John James is a manipulative piece of shit.
If my best friend carried on with me the way Keever carries on with Shabby I'd fully expect my boyfriend to hand me my P45. Fucked up. She's way out of order.
That feeling where you fall for someone and it makes you want to be a 'better person' lasts roughly around two weeks before you stuff your face with cakes and go kick a small child.
Although Ife is right to tell Keever to watch it, I just can't warm to her. She seems too wishy washy to me and has no clear personality I can hang my hat on.
Ben saying 'is that understood' to the tree was funny.
The way John James carries on with Sunshine does remind me of how my brothers used to treat me (but without the sexual undertones).
Mario to Sunshine: 'we're here and not in the mirror'. LOL. I like her silky outfit.
Random thought: What did Josie get for her special day?
Oh Sunshine, shut up about being a doctor. Never had the phrase 'it's all going to end in tears' rang so true. She was laughing her head off at the time. Sunshine gets on my wick.
'Big Brother is concerned about you and wants one of your friends to come to the diary room.' What is this shit?
Beware, Littlejohn, she's going to have you up on a rape charge next. Mario was very kind to her, kinder than she deserves. She is encouraging her own eviction here.
I can't believe John James got bollocked for having a joke with Sunshine yet Big Brother let Shabby go on the rampage like a fucking animal the other day.
Bed.

Big Brother 11: It's my lucky hat

BEDGATE! Ben looked befuddled when his bed tipped up. I wish my bed did that, it'd be handy in the morning.
OMG Ben to John James: 'you're a lovely person but you're so stupid.' His morning diatribe was the best. Eat that, John James. Suck it up, idiot box. I would like to have heard the whole hour of that argument.
Questions: Would you give up your personal items for tobacco? Would Dave give up his Bibley? And does Shabby have to always be such an arsehole?
Shabby telling other people to give up their stuff, but she's not giving up her hat? JESUS. She's such a dickwad.
Shabby looks bedraggled. She is projecting all over the shop. She has so little self-awareness it's mind-boggling. John James and Shabby: so misunderstood.
Shabby would rather give up her photos (ie. her FAMILY AND FRIENDS) than her hat. Oh, God.
Big Brother, I DARE YOU to burn the housemates items on a bonfire and show it on a big screen (including Shabby's family photos as she doesn't care about them anyway).
I'm glad Shabby is suffering over the stupid fucking hat, just like they made Sunshine suffer over the crisps.
They should KICK SHABBY OUT for the way she behaved in the 'nest'. That level of aggression is unacceptable. I would feel totally unnerved around her. 'Having a benny'- LOL. Bring back Nikki Grahame, at least she was an amusing spoilt little brat.
Shabby's lucky hat isn't working out so well for her, now, is it? She's fucking UNHINGED. Which family member's photo did she screw up?
I don't think I've seen someone make such a prick of themselves on Big Brother for years! It really is spectacular. I hope Keever watches back Shabby calling her a bitch and saying she was basically a tease.
Josie: 'whenever I feel a bit low, I always think of that woman who got her face ripped off by a chimpanzee'. I DARE you to say that to Shabby right now. I double dare you. Me and my best friend are always going on about that chimpanzee. The reason he did it was because the woman had had a haircut and he didn't recognise her! Haha. I recommend the 999 call. It's a horror show.
LOL to Ife coming out and celebrating the tobacco! Shabby soon crawled back round. Can you imagine the atmosphere Shabby is creating in there? She's a fucking MONSTER!
I liked the red herring about Shabby winning the task. Thank fuck she didn't. She needs to leave before she's fucking stretchered out.
Ooh Keever. Bad loser. Shabby was happy Keever was up. I fucking pray Shabby and Keever do go together, the nasty fucking pair. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Keever is probably desperate to leave and see her boyfriend.
Dave is SO insincere. He's not gutted in the slightest. Keever was rude to him, though.
I can see why Shabby is attached to that hat. Her hair is shit. Sometimes I wake up in the morning with my fringe looking like that. The answer is simple: wash it.
John James in a wheelchair? Shame no one's broken his legs.
'What have I done?' Shabby laments. Where to start? When John James is your best ally you know you're so far up shit street you're blocking the toilet.

Big Brother 11: The famine of intellectual nourishment

Shabby sleeps in the kohl! But not the bowler. Ife's slagging Shabby. But who can blame her?
Mario, quit with the Bennuendo. It's becoming painful. Ben ignores it beautifully.
Oh, Sunshine, rallying against the world. Stop justifying your lifestyle choices.
Nathan wants to be a porn star. Ben, hand him the razor; off with the body hair, starting with the monobrow. Who would want to attach a string to that fucking ape?
Why is Josie always clad solely in a towel? Why is she so down on herself? Are these two things connected? She doesn't 'make the best of herself' as my mum would say.
Ben wants a morsel from Nathan. I want Nathan to fuck off. Corin nominating Mario! Nooooooo. I've STILL not seen him strip. BB are censoring him!
Quite a mixed bag of nominations this week. Surprised Keever didn't go for Ben again.
IFE YOU MADE YOUR BED ABOUT THE CRISPS, STFU.
John James nominating Ben! What bullshit. Boo. Backstabber.
Josie. Tiresome. You're not nominating Sunshine over crisps, come on now. It's cos she's competition.
Ooh Mario using the word 'mercurial'. Fancy! Shabby, man. You're a donkey. Can't believe she didn't nominate Ben though. Steve voted for the right people!
Sunshine: ironically, the very definition of dour.
Mario believes in karma. No wonder Ben got bored of the conversation. Loved Ben's reaction!
Is Shabby telling Keever off for being nice to people? Fuck me, she's so pathetic. I was more mature at thirteen years old. Shabby's argument went like this: 'you're being too nice to people... you're being spiteful.' Well, which is it?
BAD atmosphere in that house today. Which equals good TV.
I like it when they give them non-alcoholic beer and don't tell them. It's mean but funny.
Oooooh John pulled out the 'love you like a sister' line. Mario is worse than Graham Norton for his crassness.
Aw, Steve needs to win to get some new legs. Don't put robo-Steve back in the cupboard.
John James on the Bible: 'how can you read that shit, it doesn't even make sense! I could have wrote it better than that.' They should put that on the back. That drunk thing really makes my skin crawl. 'High on the holy ghost' indeed. Get him out this week. He's a homophobe and a fantasist.
Don't antagonise the John James! You'll be in his firing line next. And you WON'T LIKE IT. He didn't come out of a lemon tree. Whatever that means.
PS. Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining. Now you wouldn't hear THAT come out of Ben's mouth.

Big Brother 11: Fraggle Cock

Looks like Big Brother spent a couple of quid on puppets. Should have spent a couple more on decent housemates. WTF is the Zig and Zag thing about? They are about as culturally relevant as Keith Lemon (and no doubt have the same agent).
Josie's got a good edit on her puppet, I think. Urgh, I'm so over the football thing now. Why is Mario's puppet still a mole?! Steve has a disabled puppet. Tasteful.
I like Sunshine's 'crappy dress'. Her puppet is ugly though. STOP SINGING GAGA.
I didn't like Steve fondling Corin's puppet boobs! SEEDY behaviour, haha.
John James's puppet looks more intelligent than him. I was laughing at the puppets, even though it was just one joke over and over. I want them to have a proper stand-up row. God, are they STILL going on about crispsvegangate?
They should have done Ben's puppet with his little cake shorts on. His bouffant is the wrong shade.
I'm looking forward to the Josie/Sunshine/Littlejohn love triangle coming to fruition. He's playing them both a good 'un. It's interesting that he's attracted to two women who are (physically only) a bit less attractive to him. I could see him being a feeder.
Shabby's a bin raider! Lush. Those Waitrose bins are fantastic, aren't they?
I like the fact Mario and Sunshine's discussion took place inside the wardrobe. You could have it off in there! Are they talking through the puppets in that wardrobe? We need an independent enquiry.
I was trying to think of a pun along the lines of 'Three Lions, a bitch and a wardrobe' for my title, but it was just too laboured. So I gave up.
So they can go in the pool and not use the puppets? You never really see them in the pool this year, do you? I'd be in there like a shot on a hot day.
I love the fact Ben, Shabby and Keever aren't watching the football! Even I would watch the football if I was in there. It's 90 minutes. I'd watch absolutely ANYTHING if I'd had no TV for a month. Still, respect. Haha, even more of them aren't watching it! Hilarious. Damn those lions.
I liked Ife trying to boost Josie's confidence. She shouldn't be made to feel bad about herself because she doesn't conform to some 'standard' of beauty. She is pretty.
Ben on blue eyeshadow: 'you associate it with girls in WHSmith.' What?! LOL.
Josie's crush on John James will be her undoing; and they are both in there long enough for it to unravel BADLY.
Mario and Ben having a squabble about UFOs! Silly.
Ben's barnet is DEFYING GRAVITY. Check out his dressing gown. I liked him asking Steve questions because it was his birthday, it was a nice touch. They all really respect Steve, you can just tell, and I don't think it's fake.
Seriously, is Ben slagging Mario off? Fucking hell, there's biting the hand that feeds you and ripping the fucker off. He can't HELP BITCHING. 'I thought there'd be more reception rooms'. WTF. Ben wants to do a jigsaw. I love it.
Footnote. I did 'Without Me' by Eminem on karaoke first up stone cold sober at a work do once. It was nothing short of heroic.

Big Brother 11: Penalty crisp-off

I saw Ben talking about Coronation Street on the live feed! He said he liked Janice. LOL. Bet he likes her horse fleece.
Oh, Dave, it's not the Lord that saved Govan. It's the Ben fans. Stompy Shabby.
This crisp thing is a total farce. Ife, you volunteered to go out and ask Sunshine! Now you're moaning about it. Moron. Keever and Shabby don't want you in their gang any more so stop sucking up.
Sunshine only likes crisps and bread. Sounds like me! Remember the bag of crisps the gave to greedy Mo once? It was like a BINBAG. *drool*
We don't like external disembodied hands appearing in the diary room! NO contact from the outside world. That included those encased in rubber gloves. Stop diluting the brand!
I can't stand the way Keever and Shabby are acting but Sunshine is such a martyr. I don't like either side, so it's hard to become emotionally invested.
Typical Shabby, trying to duck out of crispgate. I'm glad Sunshine stuck up for herself. Does Nathan ever say anything comprehensible? 'Spoilt bitch!' Nice. Thick cunt.
THEY ARE CALLED CRISPS NOT CHIPS, Nathan, you're not from fucking LA, you shaved chimp.
Argh, I wish they'd shut up about this now. LOL to BB giving them crisps for lunch.
Nathan. Typical football fan wanker. Can't wait to see him cry when we lose. This is the first time I've seen him animated about anything.
That German national anthem sounds like a right old din. That was funny when they sang the national anthem and it filmed them from underneath! Chin cam. Even John James was singing along.
That penalty shoot out looks hard! It was funny, though. Who's that host in Germany? Where's our host? They might be happy now, but they won't be when they watch it.
Shabby calling Keever a viper! OMG Keever grinning about the 'sexual tension' remark! She DOES lead Shabby on.
Nice shorts, Mario. Him and Ben are meant to be, shorts-wise.
I am always amazed out how touchy feely people are in that house, but particularly Dave, Ben, Mario and John James. They are ALL OVER each other. Honestly, I'd rather stab my friends in the eye than have physical contact with them. I'm totally frigid in that direction.
There doesn't seem to be strong mum and dad figure in the house this year. Steve is not really a daddy, in that he's quite laid back and doesn't impose himself on others. I like it better when someone isn't running the joint.
What is going on with John James and Josie? Who knows. But I suspect nothing. He seems as friendly with Sunshine as he is with her.
I watched this whole Shabby/Keever heart to heart on the live feed. I was fairly unmoved by it. It was quite funny when Dave popped up and they didn't know he was in the nest.
Shabby holding out the olive branch to Dave? Well, it is nominations tomorrow. Cynical, moi?

Big Brother 11: Absolute bloody bastards

Josie and Ife calling Ben sneaky right in front of Govan's face. Rude!
You don't see much of Steve but he just seems utterly normal (which makes him a bit of a boring housemate). He's very straight down the middle.
Sunshine is a bit gutsy for going round the world alone (and not just 'for a girl', as John said). I want to like Sunshine but she's just so humourless I find it difficult.
John James on politics: 'unless it's affecting me I couldn't care less'. He's the sort of person who's proud they've never read a book. It's not admirable to be ignorant (but it explains a lot). What a drongo.
Govan is not scared to face the outside world, he lies, his foot desperately tapping.
Human sponges task is not possible. It's just an excuse for Shabby and Keever to have cud. And they wonder why no one is supporting them doing the task. Because you've isolated yourself! Josie knew to do a dive bomb into the pool to get out the water but didn't bother telling them! Hehe.
Is Nathan growing a handlebar moustache? That's the most interesting thing he's done in the house.
Electrolytes angst. Don't use long words like that around John James, Sunshine. You'll short circuit his tiny mind.
I like crisps as much as the next person but Shabby, Nathan and Keever coveting them was just nasty. They (both BB and the other housemates) are victimising Sunshine over her diet.
THAT'S what I'm on about, Shabby. Bye bye Govan. Josie is acting like Govan had some sort of right to stay. The public decide, not you.
Monk weirdo! LOL. Shabby and Keever: you have fucked yourselves. Be as stupefied as you like. 'They're going to take us out one by one'- yes, exactly like you were planning to do to them, except there's safety in numbers, and you two were too stupid to work out that one plus one equals not enough.
Josie is getting on my wick, telling people what to do to 'look like a good person'. I'm on the side of the crisp sandwich eaters. Josie is being a cunt. I didn't realise what a nasty bitch you were. Ahh, it all makes sense now. It's because Sunshine was in bed with John James all afternoon. Hence the claws have come out. It's nothing to do with food. I'd shove that crisp sandwich up Keever's bum crack.
Love Ben's politician speech. He is 'humbled' by our support. Don't compare yourself to Margaret Thatcher, Ben! You aint out of the woods yet.

Big Brother 11: Wake me up before you Govan

Dave is really creepy. In reality, I'd like to see him go over Govan, but the momentum seems to be behind Govan and I want to save Ben.
If they cut off my hot water I just wouldn't have a shower. Simple.
Is this a highlight, Mario and Ben playing word association games? Dear lord.
Why are people so antagonistic towards vegans (and vegetarians?) Shouldn't it be meat eaters who have to justify themselves, not the other way around? I think people are so offended by people being ethical because it makes them feel guilty.
Mario is a sexy scientist. Uh oh, Ben's ducking out of the task. This doesn't bode well. I'd like to stick John James to that tape you use to catch flies and leave him there.
What IS this 'rock-ET' Shabby speaks of? That's not how they talk in Milton Keynes.
Govan sitting shit-stirring saying he'd vote out Ben or Mario. What would you vote out Mario for, I've never heard him say a bad word about anyone!
So John and Mario can both suck themselves off. Bollocks.
SHUT UP GOVAN. ARGH. Do any kind words ever leave his lips?
Corin's thicko act is so past its sell-by date it's going mouldy.
I agree with John James about Sunshine's name. If she likes it that much she should be proud to have it on her medical certificate. John James is just going on for no reason, though. But that's his only setting. He just needs one girl or other to antagonise.
Oh God, I'm really scared Ben is going to go. Please don't make it so. Dave WANTS to go! I wish he would.
Ben looks like he's BRICKING IT. Yes, Ben is safe.
EVERYONE in that room thought Ben was going. They look GUTTED! It should have been you, Shabby.
Govan MINCED down those stairs. I don't even hate Govan that much. But I love upsetting the house. Ben has been fucking pilloried this week. Fuck that house.
72% of the vote! Out of four! Cool, I think Ben is more popular than we thought.
'He's a bit stupid and he shitstirs' should be Govan's epitaph.
Govan looked rightly embarrassed when shown his bitch fest. I think he's actually alright, he's just a bit naughty. He should have just bitten the bullet and come out of the closet yesterday.
Interesting Govan said Big Brother was laughing at him in the diary room! LOL.
I thought Govan came off quite well in his interview, he seemed quite affable.
Oh god, why haven't they cut this awful bit at the end where people call in! It sucks.
Govan looks beleaguered. Aw, to Josie crying in the bathroom. I never even knew they were that close!
I wish they still showed them their best bits at the end, it's a really feel good thing that they've ruined. Amongst other things. Ben FTW.