Saturday, 9 October 2010

The X Factor: Simon's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Harry Hill has put me in a good mood, so looking forward to getting stuck into some X Factor. I'm half an hour behind so can fast forward the adverts too! Win-win!
Gamu gate! Zzz. I honestly couldn't care less. I like Katie! Gamu had a good voice, but no X Factor for me.
WILD CARDS. Please put Diva Fever back in! Not fussed about anyone else.
Is Louis seriously putting that dude through?! Fuck me. Should have been EARS dude.
Yeah it is Diva Fever! LOLS. So pleased. Do you think they were expecting Simon, or do they wear a lot of glittery eyeliner during the day? (it could be either TBH)
Cheryl still aint putting Gamu through. She's putting that smuggard through instead. Oh well, at least she's black.
Fuck me, sixteen to get through now, this is going to be one LOOOOOOOONG night. So glad my dinner's nearly ready. Cheryl looks day-glo orange. She looks like she's got that toasted skin problem I read about this week.
OMG Diva Fever's suits! Lordy.
Ah, so they're nicking that songs available to download on Itunes idea off of Must Be the Music. I SEE. They should nick Dizzee Rascal as a judge too; he's amazing! He's worth about 40 billion of Cheryl and would be 40 billion times cheaper.
FYD- what does that stand for? Fuck, you're dreadful? The lead singer looks like Penfold. On first, so they're fucked anyway. UGH this is shit. I hope they're ejecting three acts tonight. They'll need to.
Matt lives with his parents... lame. You shouldn't start receeding before you leave home, should you? I wish he'd take that stupid fucking hat off. Coldplays. But it's not Coldplay. I'm confused. Why is he wearing job interview clothes, but with that hat? He's really strange, I don't know what to make of that performance.
John also lives with his mum. God, he's so boring I could cry. I'm praying he goes bang when he sings his song too. POP!
God, this is even worse than I imagined. Truly AWFUL.
I can see right up Dannii's nose. Simon's saying he looks great?! He looks AWFUL. That was soooo cheesy. I can't believe they were so kind to him. Genu-whine!
I like Rebecca. She was pick to win, but as the public are so doggedly racist, who knows? Ooh, she's looking up. Another dated, boring old song. What IS this? What's she wearing too? Where's her cool retro style gone? Gah.
The imperfect Storm! Just pass me the bin to be sick in, dear. What a tragic little man with his wrinkles and pink hair, face etched with desperation. Revolting isn't the word.
I hope Storm does end up on a stretcher. He should do Life is a Pigsty and then they can really lay on the rain effects.
UGH the glitter. Glitter makes me think of nice people like Patrick Wolf and Brian Molko. I can see why the dancers are wearing masks over their faces. I'd be ashamed, too. We built this shitty on rock and roll! Storm is about as relevant as Menswear. No, less relevant. My mum's dog is called Storm. You give my mum's dog a bad name.
Belle amie. They're cute. I've never heard of any of these songs! They look shaky but they just need more time, I think. The blond one looks ten years older than the others. The little black one is cute, and the one with the short hair. I agree with Cheryl's advice. Hope they stay in.
Ooh my dinner is ready. Yummy!
LOL, when I write 'Cher' in my tags, Cheryl Cole comes up. Irony! I like her big eyes and boniness, she's like a Tim Burton character. Her gurning is cool, too. I thought her performance was shaky, to say the least. Definitely not in keeping with what the judges said.
DIVA FEVER! Well, none of the judges mentioned the singing, did they? I don't think the other one sang AT ALL! It's like he just wandered onto the stage for a muck about. They're fun though, they're the gay Jedward, and that can only be a good thing.
Paije is boring, and he was out of tune.
Katie! Not bloody Queen again. WTF is she wearing? She looks like she's under the blowdryer. Why is she so far back? I keep expecting her to do something. I like her voice though. My boyfriend just said 'is Brian May going to come out?' Let's hope not.
FUCK YOU LOUIS. Katie-hatey. Katie is cool. She's annoying, but good. Simon likes her. Who is this 'new wave' of artists Cheryl is speaking of? Clearly she has no clue.
Next up is Groo-bo (Mary). Just when you think you couldn't care any less. She reminds me of that thing out of the little mermaid. My god, they're mad for it!
Nicolo. I like him, he's got a great voice! Lady Gargoyles. OMG what have they done to him! I've got some sunglasses like that from Primark. They were £2. The slick hair is gross, too.
My boyfriend just said 'why isn't he dancing?' God, this is awful! Why is this happening? I hope I just dreamt that. Disturbingly bad.
One Direction (there's nowhere to go but down) make me feel ancient! They look like foetuses. Coldplay again! Chris Martin must be on some deal with these fuckers.
OMG the blond one is so cheesy. Wow, that was a new low in rubbishness. That yodelling bit was like some cats getting thrown off a mountain and into a blender.
I wish someone would put a muzzle on the fucking crowd- it's like being stuck on a tube with a bunch of marauding football supporters.
This Wagner thing is a fucking joke. Where's Justin?!
WTF is that in the background? Bongos! OMG Ricky Martin/ Love shack medley! That was actually amusing.
Honestly, Aiden is the only thing keeping me going through this two and a half hour slog. Well, that and my dinner.
FITFITFITFITFITFITFITFIT. Mad world! Ooh he looks like he's going to stab someone. Theatrics!
He's shaking! I want to go into Aiden's forest. I could look at him all day long. I just said I liked everything about him and my boyfriend said 'what, even the name Grimshaw?' R-Pattz comparisons! Aiden is way fitter than R-Pattz. I feel dizzy. Shame I look about the same age as his mum.
Treyc! She's annoying me even in her video before.
Why have they done her up like Kat Slater? No, auntie Kim! Eh heh. I thought she was quite good actually. She still gets on my wick, through.
Two out tomorrow! Super. I'm off to move around a bit so I don't get DVT.

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