Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Launch night and first night epicness

Early boot(ies)

Sorry I missed blogging launch night, but I was AT launch night! A bunch of podcasters and Twitter peeps got invited down for a house tour and to meet Rylan and watch the show live, and it was really nuts and fun and exciting. Rylan in particular was very, very cool and definitely a massive Big Brother fan. If you want to know more about how the day went, have a listen to this, as it talks you through the whole thing. Was so lush seeing the house and meeting other supergeeks like myself.
But because I was there I felt like I didn't really watch the show, which is mad because I watched it in person. So now I'm going to watch it again and see all the bits I missed and how it looks from another angle!
I have to say I'm feeling a bit Big Brothered out right now, so wish me luck, haha.
First let's make it clear, we did not go 'whoop whoop'! OMG look at those fireworks! From the drone! That's mad, we saw that hovering all about! It's mad seeing everything from a different angle.
Emma looked GORGEOUS last night and no, I'm not toeing the party line, she looked fucking ace, hair, dress, everything. The colour of her dress is beautiful. Her and Rylan are both so skinny!
Basically where we were stood was behind the friends and family, directly behind Emma. The lighting and staging etc looks really cool when you're there. Being in the house was TOTALLY surreal, especially because Rylan was in there. It was mental. I still feel like it was just a dream.
First in is Barry from Eastenders, aka Shaun Williamson. We'll be calling him Barry, I'm sure. It was a bit hard to see and hear the VTs from where we were plus there's loads of cheering and noise, so it's great to watch this properly now, ha. Was fun booing and cheering people! You don't really care whether you're booing or cheering, it's just making random noise to be honest, but that might just be because it's launch night and we're not invested in anyone yet.
It's mad when you see them come out though, because you realise they are just real people, not characters off the telly. I like Barry. He seems nice.
It's really FUCKING WEIRD seeing the house now I've been in there, like trippy weird. Because it didn't look like last week. It looked like a furniture showroom. The Diary Room is well duff though, looks like it's got my nan's old sofa in it. And the fields still?! Insane.
Next in is Sarah Harding, a singer from Girls Aloud. I always kind of liked her (except when she was in Corrie). Her face used to look a bit melted but she kind of looks OK again now. She used to be really gorgeous. I think she'll be a good character. Is she quoting Ronan Keating? I did NOT like her hair or outfit when she went in. Ooh, she's got her bra out. That scraped up hair looks icky. Her and Amelia Lily both had bad launch night hairdos. I think she's going to be good in the house, though.
Barry's task is annoying. I know his earpiece fucked up but it just looked such a dud on TV and there. Why do they do all these cringey first night twists?! Just let them mingle!
Next is some dick from posho scripted reality crap Made in Chelsea, Sam. 'It's the best job in the world.' Doing what?! Reading off cue cards? He came out to the new Killers song! He doesn't deserve The Killers! Knob! I was booing him. I am now officially the idiot general public. I was trying not to boo the women though. He looks like a cross between James Blunt and Chris Martin, which is the poshest mash up ever, with highlights. Lol, I did like it when he said 'we are definitely reinacting that Janine moment' to Barry. Sam's got a dry mouth *coke head*.
The fourth housemate is Derek Acorah. I used to watch Most Haunted quite a bit in an old relationship of mine and it was pretty stupid but fun at the time. I loved it when he used to abuse and assault Yvette Fielding and pretend it was a ghost doing it. Sam! His invisible friend (sorry, spiritual guardian). But there's already a Sam in the house. This is going to get confusing. He likes being booed cos he likes ghosts, right? Derek thinks there might be ghosts in the Big Brother house. Jade Goody? Derek is not going to use his secret powers in the house. Probably because the cameras would catch him wiggling stuff around in the dark (oo-er).
Barry then had to do some more stuff (hug Derek and pour water over himself) which he didn't do because he couldn't hear - convenient!
Next in is Marissa, a mob wife. She's a lot more attractive than the previous mob wife. Why is she wading round in water? She looks gorgeous, a bit Neve Campbell and someone else as well, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Her figure looks amazing. I hope she's going to be an absolute cunt.
Sandi from Gogglebox was in next. I thought it was going to be Sandra going in, not Sandy! I like them both, though. I can't believe that was her twerking on all fours in her VT, I love it. She's either going to be brilliant or annoying as fuck. She was MILKING the crowd reaction but why not.
Her entrance outfit was mad! The braids! The side boob! Also you can see me and Gaz in the audience during that bit, lol. I look like a right gorm.
You may know Chad from the Bachelorette. No, we don't know you. He's basically perfect. Ew, veiny arms. 'I can't have sex with all of you but I promise to keep trying.' Eww. STDs. Hopefully he'll be a good villian, cos he's deffo sexist. I like the fact he said 'I've seen a couple of clips online'. He's 100% going to be out of his depth then!
I don't like Helen Lederer. Annoying! It's like putting Sandi Toksvig in there, as far as I'm concerned. Yawn.
Next in is someone from The Apprentice with a monobrow. Karthik. I hope someone gives him a good waxing in the house. I don't know anything about this guy. He explained you say his name like 'carsick... go kart.' Ha.
Why has Sandi got hold of Derek's ear?! Maybe she's on a task, too.
Next up was Brandi, who looked like Jenna Jameson's mum. 'I'm best known for saying fuck a lot and drinking a lot of wine.' Fair enough. She said her husband married a 'cunt... ry music star.' Ha. Her husband left her for Leanne Rimes. 'I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution, rose all fucking day and go fuck yourself.' I can get behind that, tbh. She looked great IRL when she came out, very sexy in that outfit. I think she might be wearing Relentlessly Red lipstick from Mac that I was also wearing yesterday.
This Jordan idiot is Megan McKenna's ex. Absolute knob. All the superfans were annoyed about him going in because Ellie was in civillian. These Ibiza Weekender twats shouldn't be in civillian OR celebrity, in my opinion. Detritus. He seems high as a kite and looks like he's dressed for a wedding. He wants '15 girls in there and just me.' Haha, he says he's slept with 1,500 women. ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED. Kieran, you're slacking. His local VD clinic must be working overtime, what an absolute skank. Well, if he wasn't a total liar, that is.
Trisha has one billion views on YouTube. 'How to lick your own vagina.' Sounds good. She described herself as 'sexy, smart and slutty.' I would pretty much describe myself the same way. I like her! She's going to be a character. Why are they all sitting in a puddle? She's self proclaimed good TV. And her dress! OMG. She looks like a hippo in a tutu. I love it. This is infinitely better than Trisha Goddard going in. I cheered!
On her YouTube channel: 'I cry, I eat, I break down.' That sounds brilliant. Aw, she thinks we don't like her. I like her! Look at her boob buckles and her hair and her glittery eyeshadow and red listick. She's out of breath from just going down the stairs! Sandi looked agog.
Next up is Jemma Lucy, a tattoo model, whatever than is. She has a very puffy face and a tattooed face and neck. She's bisexual. 'Of course I'm going to be a good housemate, I've got tits, teeth and tantrums.' I like all these little mantras they have! I think she seems alright. I don't like those old curtains she was wearing though, and her hair looked gross. I'm glad she got cheered, though.
Amelia Lily is in next. I think she's a bit bland but she has a good voice. I used to like her pink hair. I definitely don't like people (especially women) proudly proclaiming they're thick. She's coming onto some hard house! I don't like her hair up AT ALL. Looks so mumsy. The tassles are not good either. Looks like she's been raiding Hannah and Deborah's wardrobes.
They saved the best for last, reality stalwart Paul Danan! Woooo! He's been on the CBB bucket list of me and my friend Dawn for about a decade since Celebrity Love Island. He is Bear-esque but he was doing Bear's schtick while Bear was still sucking lollipops.
But what the fuck was he wearing? His powder blue suit seems to have a skirt attached. And those shoes! Why is he so orange?
Paul: 'Are we allowed to mention Love Island?' Emma: 'The old version, yes.' Lol. OMG Paul's son is called Deniro Danan. Amazing.
So the last bit of Barry's awkward task happened next but I can't bear to watch it for a second time, it was so embarrassing. Also, even if it hadn't fucked up, stopping someone from going into the garden? Who cares! What are the stakes? Lazy as fuck as an idea. Terrible.
That was mad watching all that again. I think I'm mad for sitting through it twice anyway. Then again discussing it on the next pod. Argh! I am being eaten alive by Big Brother and I'm just going with it.
Ok, now we're onto tonight's show! Ooh the credits/ opening titles are very glitzy.
And they didn't over egg the recap from last night of everyone going in! Well done, Big Brother, treating us like we have a brain and can remember a day ago, encouraging. Just don't ask me to remember a week ago.
Barry passed his secret mission. God knows how, he was shit. Ooh! He didn't pass. He just won a killer nomination and not immunity. It's a bit unfair as he only met people five minutes ago.
Ooh, he nominated Marissa for making him nervous by saying 'don't get in my space.' Ha. She's going to kick his arse. Shaun/ Barry is in a grump. 'Thanks for nothing.' Marissa doesn't seem too bothered.
Amelia Lily loves Prosecco or as she calls it, 'lady fizz.' Chad thinks that sounds dirty. God knows what he's confusing that with.
I could see Barry and Sandi becoming good mates.
Sarah is talking about living in the country. Paul Danan is asking inappropriate questions already about her ex. He seems drunk out of his head. Paul: 'I know you had issues like I did.' She's magazine dealing already! Shameless.
Jordan is very hyper (ie. coked up). The sugar plum fairy is calling him extra and he thinks she means he's an extra in his show, haha.
Trisha: 'Are you an escort? Europeans have skin on their dick, right?' This is a good line of questioning. Imagine NOT having skin on your dick. Horrifying. Brandi is a Tom Jones fan. Jordan: 'I'm from Wales.' Trisha: 'Like Princess Diana.' Haha.
That astro turf feels so thick under your feet, it's mad when you're in there. Have I mentioned I've been in there, haha. I love Paul Danan already.
Marissa is using the words 'chopping block', ha. Very American.
Jordan: 'You've tooken it well.' You're thick as fuck.
Marissa is saying everything is OK to Barry. But is it? She seems annoyed still. I like her line: 'I'm not sensitive.' I like her, I hope she doesn't go.
Marissa is 32 but 'looks younger' according to her. I think she looks great. Sarah is bitching about her ex. Get over it! Shit happens. No one cares. Keep that to yourself.
Paul is not single. He's 'with the mother of his child.' That was weird phrasing. His girlfriend? Chad and Jordan are single and ready to mingle. Did someone just say 'slide into my DMs'? Dearie me.
This girl has tattoos ON HER FACE. Rotten. Sallie Axl! Her flirting with Chad is disgusting. I wonder if he goes for girls who look like Jeremy McConnell's neck double?
Chad saying he's 29 to Amelia Lily. 'I used to smoke and drink a lot.' A hell of a lot, you look 40, mate. 'My last partner was 21.' I think you're in there, Amelia.
Jemma can't fall in love with a girl. Trisha can lick pussy but can't 'get down with a girl.' Isn't that getting down with a girl? Gemma wants the girl to go home after sex. Are these two coming onto each other?
Jemma knows she'll end up with a man. Trisha is not so sure. Trisha used to be an escort, but then found Jesus. That's nice.
Helen doesn't want to share a bed with anyone. I wouldn't either.
Jordan and Sam are asking Jemma who she fancies. She doesn't fancy Chad because his vibe is too cocky.
Brandi on Chad: 'He's a boy man.' Haha.
Chad is chatting up every girl in the house. Total fanny rat.
I pressed the Diary Room button. But Paul Danan pressed the fire alarm. The button is at the bottom of the stairs, dummy! It is a bit of a stupid place to have it, right outside the door.
He's recounting the tale of him setting off the fire alarm as if he's just come back from war.
They are now claiming all the beds and asking Derek to tell them ghost stories, haha. God, Jordan and Sam are annoying already.
Paul doesn't want to be in the crazy room. Any room with him in is the crazy room. Paul wants to get some sleep. Try doing less cocaine.
Helen is storylining about the beds. Bedgate! Derek cannot sleep with a lady.
I love those kitchen chairs! I discussed them with Rylan. And I took a picture of the handwash. I'm not sure why.
Gemma actually seems OK, despite her poor life choices with those tattoos. She seems friendly and interested in people.
Karthik wants to talk to Derek about spirits tomorrow. Derek: 'I can't conjure them to me.' Isn't that what mediums do?
I love that pastel pink geometric duvet cover. Sam: 'If you get voted out first, you look like a prick.' Haha. Let's make his dream come true!
Paul doesn't know 'which girl to shoot for.' And 'They're all hot enough for me to date right now.' Chad: 'But not the old lady, even though she's awesome. And they all seem open to me.' Imagine if a girl was talking like that about the men in the house! If he's 29, I'm 5. He's probably the same age as Helen Lederer.
All in all, I'm happy with the housemates who went in. There's not too many reality TV slags (and I mean both men and women) and I think there's a few firecrackers in there.
Fuck me, I've been blogging for about three hours. I'm absolutely knackered. I'm off to eat some crisps. Listen to BB on Blast! Love, peace and harmony! I'm out!