Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Two birds, eight pack, cock out

Blog fans! You'll be happy to know I can't podcast right now because I'm sick and have lost my voice! I can only make victim croaks. But I have a fab new laptop so I'm going to be blogging my little socks off. But first! Let me get a vodka. You can put vodka in Lemsip, right?
Emma has a repreating pattern on but I'm not sure if I like it yet.
It's the morning after the nightly Sarah vs Paul smackhead crackdown. Derek is worried Sarah is 'sitting in the negative corner' ie. the smoking area. Kartik is brushing his teeth IN THE GARDEN. This is a new low! Where is the sink? Is he going to spit it onto the astroturf? ANIMAL.
Trisha: 'If I have to stay in this house with Sarah I'm going to self evict.' I can see her point. Sarah's one woman pity party is tiring. Even Derek and Barry nommed her. I just wish they told them the totals. She would have gone nuclear. All these bitches on Twitter feeling sorry for her! Fuck that. That's what she wants! And no, that doesn't mean I'm on Paul's side. I'm on no side, as they are all uncivil as fuck. I've seen politer arguments outside Wetherspoons.
Trisha: 'I know some vampires.' Jemma: 'So they kill people?' Trisha: 'You have to go on the dark web to find out about them.' Well they wouldn't be on the light web, would they?
Helen can't be bothered to talk in sentences anymore. I know the feeling.
Jordan telling Chad he did well to stick up for Sarah. Narcissists stick together.
I liked Jemma at first but she's constantly bitching. She moans about Sarah being negative but she's just as bad.
Trisha could do with some Dove Summer Glow. I'm a similar colour to her and it just makes you look less translucent. It's not tan, just a body lotion. I recommend it to pasty people.
Chad is 'just going to not wear pants today'. I like Chad best when he's just chatting to Trisha.
Sandi has to do a task where she has to be the best at everything ie. one upping everyone and winning Tina Turner songs in return.
Sarah bragging about her massage skills, her 'strong thumbs' and then singing her past hits with Sandi. She's quite tragic at times.
Trisha saying she wants to be boring so she gets evicted. I just voted for her! Wish I hadn't now. Zzz. Sandi is trying to make her twerk. What is it with Big Brother and twerking. They are more obsessed with it than cats ears.
Sandi now has to make Barry do something but I wasn't paying attention. I can't be fucked to rewind. Doesn't seem worth it.
Karthik has never met anyone like Trisha who just orders in food and makes her living off YouTube.
What happened with Chad and Amelia? Now he's after Sarah but he's playing the long game, ha. 'If I go home tomorrow it won't happen.' Is he storylining to stay in?!
Trisha's underboob looks sore.
Sarah and Paul are making up AGAIN. Sarah is blaming Jemma for everything. Eek, Paul Danan's top knot. Yucksville.
I just saw the bottom of Emma's dress. Fuck NO.
We're about to hear 'highly offensive language that is not for the faint hearted'. Ooh. Let's see if my heart can take it. Pass the smelling salts.
Sam said 'Trisha looks like she's permanently about to have a download.' What does that mean? Did I mishear?
Then Brandi said to Sam 'you're such a little a cunty whore'?. He sure is.
Chad has 'fashioned himself some new hooves.'
Why is Brandi apologising to Sam so hard? Who cares? He IS a little cunty fame whore and a nipple flicking twat. He wouldn't even still be there if Jemma had complained about him, as she should have done. I think Sam is dragging the idiot Jordan down, and that's saying something.
Tina Turner disco! Derek's dancing is good. Not really. Looks like he's about to take off. Are there too many oldies in the house? I think one or two in their fifties is fine, and people in their thirties are good, but Barry, Derek, Karthik, Shaun, Helen... it feels a bit top heavy. I'm not ageist, I love old man Jerry and Kim Woodburn. I just don't want to hear a bunch of oldies moaning about their arthritis. We have Christmas in BB19 for that.
Paul on Chad: 'Two birds, eight pack, cock out.'
Why is Trisha jealous about Chad smoking with Sarah? He smoked three cigarettes straight, haha. Trisha sounds mental. She's got Chad on lockdown.
Trisha calling Chad a fake. Jemma's ONLY storyline is hating on Sarah. I like Sarah's dress today. Is Amelia still on the show? Now her fake love triangle has died I haven't seen her.
The rose cat ears are next level grim. BURN THEM, BIG BROTHER.
Jemma could start an argument in an empty room. I still don't know what about. Oh, cos someone said 'are you still going on about it?' Was it Paul? It's not worth rewinding is it. This episode is just not worth rewinding on any level.
Jemma is bitching to Derek. Perhaps he can put her in a more positive seating area. Calling Paul 'a fucking little rat', haha. I actually feel sorry for Derek having to deal with these neurotic bitches (that includes Paul).
What is the drunk mess Jemma wearing? A wonky vest, bra and some weird jogging bottoms. Paul: 'Don't threaten me, you're not a bloke.' Ha. Jemma: 'You're a little snakey rat.' *cue snake sound effect* Paul: 'Don't step up to me like that, you aint no gangster.'
Jemma: 'Take your silly little shades off.' Haha. There's no prison sentence long enough for Jemma and Paul's collective fashion crimes.
Paul: 'All this rat shit? If someone steps up to me like that they'd be on their fucking arse.' Rat shit? Rachet more like.
Those were actually entertaining highlights for an eviction episode, the last part, anyway.
Safe are Sarah and Chad! They didn't even hear it at first. Was nice when they hugged although I do think he's playing up the showmance because he knows she's popular. So it's out of Karthik and Trisha to go. Ooh! I wonder who will go? God, Sam is such a knob.
Not another American woman out, please! Ooh it was Karthik. Oh well. No loss. I haven't found him entertaining or interesting but Trisha needs to do something now.
Karthik's probably happy to be out of the mad house. Are there going to be more adverts now? What a joke.
Karthik doing 'just got off the boat' jokes. I think his heart is in the right place, he just seems a bit of an odd duck. But apparently he was good on The Apprentice but I don't watch it anymore.
I heard that Sarah has a boyfriend actually! Interesting. She does seem quite chummy with Chad now. Does HE know she's got a boyfriend?
Karthik doesn't know if he's going to be a celebrity or going back to being an IT guy. Let me see.
We never even got to wax his monobrow. I don't mind his turquoise jeans, though.
WTF Big Brother is on at half ten tomorrow because of the football but is showing on 5* at 9? WEIRD. I wouldn't be surprised if they just stuck it all on 5* like they did with BOTS the other night. I missed BOTS that night! Dumb. They don't give a fuck.
The pod will be back when my voice is back! Love ya.