The British Soap Awards 2011

Time is flying. It seems about ten seconds since I last blogged these fuckers. And what a year it's been for soap. Hasn't Eastenders been amazing? Oh...
Admittedly the tram crash was good in Corrie, but on the whole, I don't think Corrie has been that great this year. I miss Blanche and the humour has given way for grotesque product placement. Like my boyf said, I'd rather they just show the packet than have them going 'Let's go to ALTON TOWERS! Let's stop at MCDONALDS on the way!' It's tawdry.
Tony Gordon! Give his eye an award for best actor. He is SADLY missed. Ooh, Syed looks dreamy.
McFly are giving an award to sexiest female. One of the nominees is Zoe Lucker (Vanessa). Are we that hard up? Tania is about 500 times better looking. Roxy aint even bothered to show up. Tina from Corrie won. She's dressed in gold foil. Tasty. She just looks like a good-looking girl next door to me. She dedicated the award to her mum and dad, presumably for giving her the genes.
Sexiest (I nearly wrote sexist- habit) male next. Sugababes are presenting, well the current heads. Keith Duffy! VILE. Duckworth spawn?! Vile. Maria's wife beater boyfriend? Gross. SYED! Jack Branning. Christian. Syed for the win, please. He's lovely.
Duckworth spawn looks mega sleazy. His low neck JLS-style t-shirts should be banned. OMG Syed wasn't even in the top four! WTF. Nor Christian! Homophobes. David Cameron probably banned it. Ah, Jack just made the genes joke. Nice white jacket. Very Manuel.
Best young performance (ie. most precocious child). Obviously Simon from Corrie must win. Simon did win! LOL. Aw Peter Barlow carried him up. Cute.
Most spectacular scene (ie. biggest explosion) must go to the tram crash. The Eastenders pub fire was farcical. Especially Phil's crackting. Why did the tram make a noise like Godzilla when it came off the tracks? Mentals. I should think it did win after all the £££ they spent on it.
Villain of the year. John Stape! He murders people but he's still not very scary. Lucas! Hell no. Hollyoaks is probably going to win this one.
Tracey aint bothered showing up, either. Not sure who won this, someone from Something I Don't Watch.
Best on-screen partnership. No Steve and Becky? Oh no, there they are. I think Kat and Alfie have a horrible relationship. She treats him like crap. What's she wearing?!
Best newcomer: Fatboy?! He's been in it for years! They are scraping the barrel. Dude from Hollyoaks won it, ffs. He must be good, he won the Villain, too.
Lifetime achievement. Ugh. What old relic's arse are we gonna kiss now? Oh, Jack Duckworth. I hate Jack and I hate Vera. He aint even bothered to show! Aw, Tyrone flew out to give him the award. That was kind of cute.
Best actor. Peter Barlow. Kevin Webster?! Masood! Phil. Shane Richie- ugh. Yeah give it to Peter Barlow! Hmm, they gave it to someone in Emmerdale, yo.
Best comedy performance. Auntie Kim. Mary from Corrie. Are you sure this isn't the annoying award? Paddy McGuiness actually made a funny joke. Where's Tamwar? Norris?
Mary won. I can't stand her character. She's not rooted in reality at all.
Best storyline went to Kevin/Mollygate. Hardly!
Best actress. Carol from Eastenders?! Oh fucking spare me. Zainab?! Ugh. Give it to Becky! Kay won. Why isn't Ronnie nominated for anything? She did all that staring into middle distance SO well.
Ugh, I can't be fucked to watch this anymore. I'm gonna go watch The Apprentice. Eastenders win best soap, right? Like they always do. UNDESERVEDLY. Arseholes.
PS. Best musical score? PEGGY'S THEME.