I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Coming Out

You may have noticed I stopped writing about I'm a Celebrity, because I got proper bored with it. Janice should have won, although Biggins was a legend eating the testicles. But Janice's fake crying as a vote winner for me.
I thought this show would be awful but it was actually quite interesting watching what all the parters got up to whilst the anti-celebs frolicked in the jungle. The whole Marc Bannermann thing looked like more of a farce than ever: his girlfriend looked non-plussed and it all looked SO staged. When he was watching it on telly going 'oh god...' You were THERE! You DID IT. Div.
John Burton Race's partner was a bitch. Katie Hopkins' partner looked too good for her (although not much) and called her 'gorgeous'. Lynne's partner seemed like a drip. Lynne was more of a cunt than ever out of the jungle, courting the paparazzi and slagging Rodney in front of his daughter. Then kissing his arse when he came out! What an embarrassment.
Did I need to see John in the bath? No.
Anna Ryder-Richardson, wake up! You ARE DULL AND BORING! Do you need Katie Hopkins to tell you this? Hollyoaks Mute came out and went 'want chocolate!' Dur-brain. Sink back into obscurity, chav. You have less personality than Anna Ryder Richardson.
I couldn't bear to watch that bit again where Cerys looked over her shoulder for Marc. That was a proper cringefest. It sucked he didn't show. What a prick. Total humilation on TV. I can't believe she sold her story either. I could have wept reading it, it was so embarrassing. Let Chantelle and Preston be your warning! And not just in matters of the heart.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - It Must Be Love

Why was everyone picking on Janice today? Anyone would have thought Lynne was a defenceless puppy by the way they were going on about her. She was a prize cunt, the very worst kind of person, one who doesn't practise what they preach. I wasn't slightly sorry to see the back of the sanctimonious old boot. Fair enough Janice and Rodney were pretty childish not saying goodbye but I understood why they did it.
Mark's (Marc? I'm sure it was Mark!) letter to Cerys was quite sweet but they over egged it somewhat, unless they are going to bring him back in, what do I care? I take it he's dumped the girlfriend. If I was Cerys I'd be very wary of him. I like Cerys, she seems very calm and thoughtful. I hope she doesn't get stung by the whole sorry mess. But it's true: you can't help who you fall for sometimes. That's why there are so many broken-hearted, divorced people in the world. Oh yeah, and well done to Cerys for standing up to Rodney. He almost seemed to listen!
I was surprised to see John go, I quite liked him in a way, even though he was a full-on bear with a sore head. When will the Hollyoaks Mute be defeated? She is a robot! Her heart is made of ice! I like Biggins, even though he is quite smutty. I like J. Ryder-Richardson's alright. The camp is going to be a dullard-fest before we know it. Ant and Dec are pretty funny though.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - 'I'm Not Used to This!'

Lynne displayed arch manipulation skills tonight. She actually made me scream she was so infuriating. She would argue black was white, but only after giving you a fat guilt trip first. John was cruel to her, but she milked it, big time. Why does she always start on Janice too? Janice didn't really do anything! Janice means well. Lynne is inherently cuntish. I knew when John apologised there'd be another row. His apology was crap but Lynne was very ungracious, then went running telling tales to camp.
The task wasn't THAT bad I don't think. The bickering between Janice and Lynn was hilarious. 'I wish I had my camera- that's a great Christmas card'. Fucking genius. I liked her pretending to snog Dec too. Lynn seemed to be enjoying sucking on some shrimp. I wonder if the shrimp enjoyed it? At least it shut her up. Janice was the most unsupportive team mate ever, But I loved it! I loved them describing what they hated about each other afterwards; it sounded like they were describing themselves.
Observation: Katie Hopkins talks like a little girl. She needs to unleash her inner bitch. I enjoyed the fly gangbang. God I'd go mad there! Proper horrible!
It really bugged me when Rodney was like 'Cerys should leave' cos of the Beppe brother love. It aint her fault! It's HIS FAULT. He is the one with a girlfriend. Cerys hasn't really done anything. Mark's girlfriend's impassioned speech didn't really move me. She didn't seem to care enough, somehow.
It was a major cock-up that Mark went. That was a major storyline and now the romance probably won't get started. Aw! Killjoys. Now all we've got to put up with is arguing. Grr! How can anyone have voted to save Hollyoaks Mute over him?
Still, it will give Rodney some food for thought. Feminazis unite!
Mark's interview was a lesson in hole digging! DIG DIG DIG. It felt very real though. He wasn't a politician, he was quite honest. I felt sorry for him! Scurry back to London, Beppe's bro. Your clothes are on the lawn. Nice!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Feminazi

Woo! I want to be formally known as a feminazi from now on. So tonight. Janice and J did well on their trial, therefore it was boring. John woke everyone up at 4.15 by lighting a fire and bashing about (I'd have chucked him in the fire). He was spoiling for a fight and found one in Lynne. You could tell she wanted to lose her rag but was trying hard to rise above it. I loved the fact she was seething! Keep needling her. You can break her yet.
She's right though, John and Rodney have no respect for women, so I wasn't too upset to see Rodney sprain his knee. Still, he got to spend the night in hospital, so it wasnt all bad. It's a sad state of affairs when going to hospital is your best option though. The others should start injuring themselves for fun! Hospital food! Yummy.
Beppe's brother seemed to be paying homage to Beppe with his raggedy goatee. The bite mark set it off nicely. Cerys didn't seem to agree with Anna that she and Mark were just 'good good good friends'. She seemed to be thinking something else entirely.
The British public stupidly chose Janice for the trial again- she won't eat that crap! It will be interesting to see how Lynne does after the 'I would have done the eating one' comment. Serve her up a big portion!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Oh, Man!

Another good show tonight. Lynne was very brave during the trial, then ruined it all horribly by being so sanctimonious about it. Well done to John for calling her out. She also let herself down in the egg timer task by falling for Rodney's 'it takes a big person to step down' speech. No it doesn't! Fight to the death. What sort of feminist are you? 'I know it means more to you to win...' Why, because he's a sexist? Sigh!
Beppe's brother and Cerys romance is quite shocking really, considering he's got a girlfriend. I wouldn't trust someone who falls in love that fast in a gazillion years. I don't know what she sees in him, he's so slimy. She does look genuinely worried about her obvious feelings for him. It must be horrendous worrying about the public perception of events. But she's not to blame, he is! She's single. His girlfriend might be huffing and puffing about Cerys, but open your eyes, love. Your man is a RAT.
They will definitely have a snog soon. We might not get to see it though. I have a feeling it will be done under cover. John stirred it up a bit too by saying it looked like it was 'meant to be'. It's just lust! It's just Stockholm Syndrome! It'll probably be Janice and Biggins next.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- 'You're gay'

Well Janice obviously wasn't the right choice for the eating task. Lynn could have done it easily, as she pointed out- and from appearances she clearly has a long history of shovelling a mountain of crap into her gob. Fucking smug bitch. I really want to punch her. She has really brought out quite a violent streak in me- I wish they'd let her go in the glass coffin. Then they'd dropped it. I'm quite liking Katie from The Apprentice in comparison. Even though she's got a bright red nose.
The eating thing was funny: I enjoyed Janice saying 'you're gay' as John was eating crocodile penis, and him replying 'give us a kiss.' He seemed to take a bit of a shine to Janice, didn't he? Needless to say, I wouldn't eat any of that stuff. Just the thought of it fermenting in your stomach is the stuff of nightmares.
I like Janice's banter with Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show, unlike all that other dross they do.
That J guy seems alright, but he looks very thin and tired, he's starting to resemble a victim of famine. I quite like his deadpan accent. And finally a man who won a task and didn't go 'I got beaten by a girl!' like some sort of Neanderthal prick.
I don't like Beppe's brother, he's a knob-end. He seemed to be having an orgasm over eating a pig. I don't like football dude- he's a sexist twat. Chef guy is OK. Cerys seems quite nice. Gemma: try speaking.
PS: Why does everyone like coffee so much? Just the smell of it makes me gag. I wouldn't even hold hands with a wombat for it.