Saturday, 10 December 2011

X Factor: The final

So obviously I've still been watching X Factor, even though it's fairly turgid (as is the US version). I like Marcus, Little Mix and Amelia. I don't like Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, or Tulisa.
I don't know who I want to win, really. Little Mix are fun and Amelia has the best voice, but I've always liked Marcus, too, although the songs they keep making him do are interminable. It makes it a bit boring when you don't really care who wins, I want a Rhydian character to despise and hiss at.
I know one thing, Dermot seems to be having a lot more fun on the UK one than Steve 'crab eyes' Jones ever does o'er the sea.
I'd be a bit disappointed to find out I was duetting with Kelly Rowland and not, say, Lady Gaga or whoever they usually have on.
How many times tonight are we going to hear 'it would be great for a girl group to win it' and 'Amelia is the comeback kid'.
Does it favour Marcus if they all sing a Take That song at the start? It looks like they haven't bothered doing Amelia's hair.
Gary Barlow has been the particular bugbear of the series, pissing all over everything with his dour, pinched little face and a voice Jordan would consider monotone. Oh, look at Gary winning over Marcus's gran. I'll just forget about all the dirty tricks he's pulled this season, such as calling Amelia 'shouty' when she's a much better singer than Marcus.
Marcus sounds out of tune doing Outkast. At least he's doing something different, I suppose, but I've hated every song he's done since 'Smooth Like Jagger' and I only like that because it makes me laugh. Stop going 'woo', Marcus. I feel like I'm watching CDUK.
I'm thrillled that little runt Jeff Brazier isn't doing the outside broadcasts this year. I don't like Olly Murs, but I think Caroline Flack is good, she's quite natural.
When Tulisa goes 'it's my little muffins, little mix' it makes me cringe. Little Mix visited four people's home towns, so that's four times the votes, right? Little fix, lol!
Little Mix sang loads better than Marcus. I thought they were quite entertaining. I think I'd quite like to see them win it. They're like Manga girls.
I bet Kelly Rowland has never been in a house as small as Amelia's. She probably keeps her dog in a similar square-footage.
I wish Amelia would stop wearing that baby pink coat with her baby pink hair. Enough with the baby pink!
Oh, god, now she's come out in a vile baby pink dress! I think the stylist is in cahoots with Gary Barlow. I hate this song so much. Little Mix FTW, it's decided. She should have done a good power ballad.
Every time I see JLS I always think about that one going 'merry Christmas' which they took the mick out of on TV Burp. JLS outsung One Direction by a mile. My boyfriend says the One Direction lyrics sound like a 'paedo trying to court a four year old'. Mash up! Those two songs go together like Pat Sharpe and tact.
Marcus's baby pictures were cute. What's this song him and GBar are signing? Turgid times! Should have done Flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood. It's not exactly Matt Cardie trying to hump Rhianna, is it? I honestly think Marcus has blown it.
Tulisa looks like a grandma up there with Little Mix. Her outfit is all wrong, she looks like Cruella. I think it was a bit too po-faced. I think they should have gone a bit more fluffy - they should have sung the Spice Girls or something.
Kelly's song choices are so, so, so out of touch. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if Amelia went home tonight. All those duets were whack, actually.
Why is Leona Lewis singing Nine Inch Nails? She should do 'I want to fuck you like an animal' instead. 'I want to feel you from the inside out.. you bring me close to God' etc. Every song Leona Lewis covers is the same from Run to this, it's just one big build up, just a big vocal show-off. She's got the voice though. But can she write a song? Hair-watch: I prefered hers curly.
Buble! The flukiest man in pop. How did he get so famous, all does is covers. And he's looking a bit porky. I do like him though! Not his music, but he seems like someone you could take home to meet your mum.
WTF is the point in saying 'good luck to everyone'? You might as well say 'good luck to none of you!'
Amelia is gone. It feels like the right result in a way. I kind of think Marcus is going to win. He seems hugely popular. Amelia took it well - I suppose she's used to it!
The cutest final two ever! They look like they should be made into dolls and given away with Happy meals. Marcus is the same height as Little Mix, too.
I just want to mention Steve 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges' Jones once more before I go. Simon must look at Dermot's easy charm and gran-friendly humour and weep. See you tomorrow.

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