Saturday, 29 September 2012

X Factor: (Not the) Judges houses

Ok so I'm blogging X Factor even after declaring I'd never watch it again. I've been enjoying X Factor US and The Voice US so much, that I crawled back to our substandard version. The judges on the US X Factor work: there's the gentle-but-dead-behind-the-eyes Britney, enthusiastic puppy Demi Lovato, and Chief head-wobbler LA Reid. In the US X Factor this week, Simon didn't bother to turn up and they sent Louis Walsh over as 'guest judge'. They mentioned none of his credentials (not even Jedward) and they didn't even say he was a producer. It was just like this weird Irish idiot turned up for ten minutes and it was never mentioned again. Just like the fact they have no host.
The Voice US is superior because it has the super cuddly Ceelo Green, the so blonde-her-hair's-snapping-off, spilling out of her dress and often drunk Xtina, and head buffoon, Adam Levine. There's also some country douche, but we don't mention him.
Anyway, on with our cut-price bollocks. Shouldn't judges houses have an apostrophe in it somewhere somewhere?
One band has already left 'due to a visa issue'. Is this a euphemism? Shouldn't Simon Cowell get this shit checked out before bands get to that stage? Did he learn nothing from giving a wife beater a million quid on Red or Black?
Tiny Tempah is helping out Tulisa in St Lucia (he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house, don't you know). He generously said, 'there's probably space for one or two more female artists in the charts right now.' to which my boyfriend replied 'Well if they let pricks like you in the charts, I'd say there's plenty of space.' Who is Tiny to decide when the female popstar tally is full? They should get him working on border control next.
Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne. She should be on the real panel, not the simpering lettuce leaf Nicole - 'not good enough for the US one but she'll do for us cunts'. Nicole is with Neyo in Dubai. 
LOL Gary Barlow's group got to go to Northampton. St Lucia, Dubai, Las Vegas... Northamptonshire. That's what I call the short straw. Because I'm from there. So Gary Barlow has got Sinitta (sorry, Cheryl Cole) helping him as usual. I find Chezza about as warm and lovable as cat sick, so I'm not overly impressed, but she'd still be better on the panel than... er, all of the others. I feel like Simon Cowell doesn't give a shit about the UK version anymore, he gives us pathetic judges like Nicole and how the dour, stony-faced Gary got the gig after last year, lord only knows. Gary Barlow has about as much charisma as a sausage. And at least sausages are nice.
The groups are up first. So two more bands get a chance to come back because of the 'visa' issues. The first one, who's name escapes me, did a medley of Bob Marley an Pink. The second band Mitsotu, who we'd never seen in our lives before, as they were clearly always marked for failure, are also poor.
MK 1 (isn't that the Milton Keynes shopping centre?) are the ones who's third member got cut only after making them promise to give him 33% of all profits. I wonder is Syco has given him 500 quid to fuck off yet.
Union J have had to change their name from Triple J because Simon has decided to shoehorn a Harry Styles lookalike into their band. I'd be pissed off if an extra heartthrob was brought into my group. I think they should have renamed the group Triple J + 1. I think all the acts have been rubbish so far. Triple J are sucking the life out of the annoying-but-catchy Call Me Maybe.
I like Poisonous Twin and their scouse brows. At least they've got personality. This beat box group can fuck off.
The final act is called GMD3. Why are all these bands fucking acronyms? It's like trying to work my way round the periodic table! Bullshit. Off with their heads. I could think of better band names than this in about 30 seconds. Fuck me, this is the worst one yet. Louis' category is a bag of shit. I hope he puts through MK Ultra, Poisonous Twin, and then any of the shit boybands.
Dermot looks knackered. Can't he get some botox or something? They wouldn't let a woman presenter on TV looking so craggy.
Back to Dubai to see Princess Nicole beating her slaves and sitting by a ginormous bowl of fruit. Oh, and her category is the boys. 
James Arthur is my pick to win it. He's like Plan C. AWFUL song choice, so old fashioned and a bit defeatest singing a song called 'I can't make you love me'. There's just something very likeable about him. I liked the way he was clutching his shirt on one of his previous auditions. He has it: the X Factor. And he's the only one so far.
The next guy sang Neyo's song. He's not going through.
Adam I liked before, but he's doing a really shit song which barely goes up or down. No one would even pick this song to do at karaoke. I thought he could have done a lot better.
Jake I fancy. His brother is terminally ill, but he's carrying on like a trouper, anyway. He's singing Take That. Perhaps he thought he was getting Gary Barlow as his judge. He's also singing to the floor. Another uninspired song choice; why don't they sing something moving or unique? They are all looking like losers right now. Sing something to make the judges cry.
Rylan is absolute genius. The story he told on Xtra Factor about getting his wallet stolen by a fox was probably the funniest thing I heard last week. Rylan's come as Kylie Minogue. I hope he goes through, he's really entertaining. He's doing a mournful version of Rhianna.  He's got the Stacey Solomon factor.
This next guy Jahmene who murdered Moves Like Jagger actually did a reasonable version of Titanium. But he bores me.
Ok now we're back with Tulisa and the girls. I think she's got the best category, but still hasn't worked out how to put a toner on her hair. Her stylist must really hate her guts - you can buy them in Boots for 99p - and he's done her up like Trailer Trash Barbie.
I like Jade but I don't think she's brilliant. She's got heart but I'm not sure she could win it. I like Amy as well but I don't love her. At least her song choice was modern. They showed about two seconds of Leanne so I take it she's not going through.
I like Jade and her clown makeup and her doing it for her 'daddy' in prison.
Lucy is obviously talented but not as unique as they make out. It was quite brave of her to do Whitney, but put a quirky spin on it. I'll be pissed off if she doesn't go through.
Ella is the best of all the girls. Like James Arthur, she could easily win it, plus she writes her own songs. She's really good.
And now we're back with Gary and a hard-faced Cheryl Cole in Northampton (she'll fit right in, we love a good punch up there). Just as good as Vegas. Gary's category (the overs) is dreadful. Tulisa could have put four or five of her category through.
I have never seen this Carolynne person before. She sounds out of time. And she's singing fucking Boyzone. Bollocks.
Aw, that was quite nice when Gary gave Nicola some reassurance. I don't know why she got through. They should have put Hayley from Pop Idol through, she had a lovely voice. Tragedy? Of all the songs to sing.
Brad is dated, boring and looks like a used car salesman. He sang the Final Countdown in a club style; I couldn't even tell what song it was.
I HATE this Melanie 'I'm a mother' bore. She looks like someone who'd try and sell you a bag of heather at a festival. I bet her house if full of runes and windchimes. She's DULL! I don't know why Gary likes her so much. Gary's pretending he's not going to put her through because she's got kids; er wouldn't that be discrimination?! They'd never say that to a man. Douchebag.
Kye is actually alright, if he stops going on about being a chimney sweep and having to work for a living (yes, like we all do). Ooh, he hit a bum note. That was a shame. Adam Levine wouldn't stand for that crap.
Christopher is the most of earnest auditionees ever. He's wearing his heart on his forehead. Another awful, old-fashioned song, and he's singing it really camp. I still think they'll put him through, though, because the grans will love him.
As much as I can't stand Cheryl Cole, she's actually quite gracious to come back on a show she was basically sacked from. I'd swap her for Tulisa any day. And I'd swap Nicole Scherzinger for Wagner.
Cheryl's glad she's 'got a car coming soon.' Let's hope isn't driving it. Or... hmm, perhaps I'll leave it at that. 

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