Documentary: 40 year old virgins

Hey you! Join me in taking the mick out of people on Channel 4. This 'documentary' looks a bit duff, I really should have written one about the brilliant, but cruelly named, The Undateables. I should also have written one about the appalling Oscar Pis-whatshisface BBC3 'documentary', mindbogglingly presented by Rick Edwards. But I watched it at four in the morning, drunk, so probably best I didn't. Good reconstructions, but the rest of it was a bag of shit.
So instead, let's take a look at this old crap. Ooh, before I start, a note on the show Gogglebox, which was also on tonight, and who DID cover 'what's that guy from Tool Academy doing there?' If you like TV, you should watch this show. It's obviously a little bit scripted, but it's just people watching TV and commenting on it. The best people are the posh drunks and the black best friends, who last week opined about the horrors of malnutrition which sharing a packet of crisps. I find something very comforting about watching other people watch TV, whether it be Beavis and Butthead, or some Big Brother housemates doing a task. I don't know why, I think it's just the fact that it could go on forever, people watching people watching TV, watching people watching TV, like some mirrored vortex. Like David Icke's worst nightmare (except for when he's on it). Anyway, genuine characters on Gogglebox, the likes of which our Big Brother could do with getting hold of in the summer. But of course, they'll just get some Essex page 3 girl instead. Shame.
Let's meet the virgins. Boyd Hilton (sorry, Clive) is going to 'go on a radical course to teach people how to have sex'. Guess what country that course takes place in? You win. Boyd is 45. He works in IT. He looks normal, if you fancy Boyd Hilton. Someone must. He lived with his mum until he was 29. That doesn't help. He has that Doctor Who K9 thing in his house. Enough said. Ah, he's in the friend zone.
I don't know why these people don't just go online. ANYONE can get laid online, I truly believe that. Going on TV and admitting you're a virgin is probably not going to help your pulling power.
'29-year-old' Rosie looks middle-aged to me. She wants to have children. That's not going to get the men queuing up, a virgin who wants to get knocked up. She says, 'men smell weird to me, like aftershave and ham.' Well, it's better than Lynx and piss, I suppose.
Both of them are going to see 'sex surrogates' (that's prostitutes to you and me) for a 12-week course. Surrogate Cheryl says she's had sex with '850 people, not including my husbands.' She didn't list the number of husbands. Oh, she says she's not a prostitute (she is). She don't look bad for 68, though, Christ, I thought she was mid-fifties. Would you want to fly to America and sleep with a 68-year-old? Boyd Hilton does! That's Morrissey fans for you. (Aw, get well, Morrissey.)
Boyd has also got some religious guilt crap going on so that's not helping.
Rosie was sexually abused when she was younger so her problems seem a lot more understandable. Rosie goes to meet a creepy old man who's going to take her virginity. Er... is there a theme here? But apparently he doesn't smell of ham. Hurrah. Looking at him playing tennis, I thought it would be a bit like having sex with one of Larry David's friends. Not exactly something you fantasise about. LOL, she told him she doesn't fancy him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Boyd is saying the word 'penis' into a mirror until it loses all meaning. Yeah, this is really going to get him all the 'chicks' when he gets home. I'm kind of expecting him to find 'clitoris' written on the mirror in period blood later. That's more of a hope than a likelihood, though.
Watching Boyd kiss this 68-year-old-not-prostitute made my stomach turn, but luckily he started crying about three seconds in, so I didn't have to suffer too much. I am being a bit mean, and I do feel sorry for him. I just don't think this is the solution. Probably going with a real prostitute NOT on TV would be more beneficial.
Rosie is getting her face stroked by an old man she doesn't fancy. Is this really helping her get over sexual abuse? REALLY?
This programme confirms to me that men will sleep with ANYONE. I wonder how much this 'treatment' costs? I mean, I know C4 are paying for it. But for a layman. And isn't there a risk that Boyd will fall in love with this lady?
Rosie on willies: 'it looks like an uncooked sausage.' She's obsessed with meats! She's been sent to buy a vibrator and 'find out where her vagina is.' Well, I suspect it's between her legs. It must be scary for a virgin to go into a sex shop and see all that stuff. I get scared of that stuff!
Boyd had a flashback of someone pulling his pants down in front of a group of girls and pointing at his penis and laughing. God, is that all it takes to ruin someone's life? Mental, isn't it? It's true though, little things like that can fuck you up forever. One comment can make you anorexic.
It's probably not helping this guy get a hard-on that it's broad daylight and there's a fucking CAMERA in the room! How about some candlelight and the option to hide under the covers?
Boyd is being shown through a book of ugly vaginas. I've never felt so straight. Don't get me wrong, penises can be pretty gross too, but vaginas are just frightening. Boyd 'feels queasy.' So do I.
Rosie's has enough of Gary as she doesn't fancy him. Fair enough; who wants to fuck someone they don't fancy?
It's Boyd's last 'session'. Will he 'go all the way'? Eek this woman is giving him a blowjob! Fuck me, they're showing the sex! This is shocking. Channel 4! You monsters.
Aw, I hope Boyd finds a girlfriend back home. Maybe Lucie Cave is interested. Hang on a minute, isn't Boyd Hilton gay?! Oh, Boyd. You've lied to us. Get back to your column about Spooks or some other crap your target audience isn't interested in. Goodnight.

Channel 4 Drugs live: The ecstasy trial 2 (Keith Allen finally turns up)

So here I am again. I said I'd do this blog, and I'm damn well doing it but there's people here and I'm drunk cos it's my day off tomorrow, so I'll do my best.
Why is Keith Allen being so shirty about his past drug use? Everyone knows he was a huge caner. He's coming off like a total prick. This former MP Evan Harris took an E to 'support scientific research.' Try telling that to your mum after a big Saturday night.
LOL my boyfriend's friend who was here just got picked up by his mum, sorry - girlfriend - and got in trouble cos they've been drinking all day. He basically just got forced to say goodbye and leave quick-smart. That was funny.
If Keith Allen hasn't had proper E since 1988, what the fuck was I taking in the 90s?
Isn't Keith Allen a bit old to be taking drugs? He's like an OAP. He's still moaning about the quality of the drugs. It's because you've taken so fucking many! That's why you can't feel anything.
Keith Allen just declared himself a 'renowned gurner'. Or, as I like to call it, a massive cunt. He's complaining about the editing like a Big Brother contestant. What a knobber.
Wicked, Dr Christian just told us, 'if you are going to do a pill, just do a bit and see how you feel.' Good advice. Just do a quarter like my friend SWIM.
The Tuesday blues; lol! Is that official medical terminology? Ha to that guy saying 'you need a good couple of days after to 'reflect'. Yes, reflect on a boxset of Breaking Bad and a packet of valium. That's not reflecting, it's just being a couch potato.
Ecstasy takes longer to recover from than cocaine; that's because cocaine makes you high for half an hour and E makes you high for a whole night. It's simple maths.
Captain Killjoy is telling us about all the bad bits. Mistress Mustard jacket (sorry, Professor Val Curran) is disagreeing.
I'll say it again: There's no doubt whatsoever E affects your long term memory. So does weed, so does booze, so does a traumatic event when you're younger. I agree with this Professor. That woman is kidding herself to think the effects are short term. I can't even remember my own phone number. I need to go to Derren Brown's memory palace and do a ram-raid.
SAS guy felt 'like an empty windsock' after doing E. Do you ever feel like a paperbag? Now he's speaking to Dr Adam Winstock. This is getting confusing. Windsock... Winstock. I think only Keith Allen can clear this one up.
I've seen these American MDMA therapy sessions on a documentary before. Surely the Feds should be onto her by now? Mind you, she is hiding up in the trees, like Katniss in Hunger Games. 'Let's do E and talk about your abusive father.' Um, no.
Fuck me, she looks wasted. Her eyes are all over the place, and she's stroking her leg. I'd be like 'let's talk about kittens.' Is the therapist high, too? They've got some good E (sorry, X) over there. Ha, she's got down-turned mouth, too. *esadface* Looking at you gurning isn't going to help change minds, to be honest.
Jon Snow: 'it's a big nut to crack.' Why do they keep saying things based on the guest's names? I think it's cos everyone's off their tits.
Oh Christ, it's the plastic glowing brain again. Save us.
OK we're onto the ex-politician taking the E now. He's doing it all in the name of science, like Walt. He looks confused. He's not feeling 'loved up.' He's fighting against it! He is gurning, though. So all I've learned from this show is that what I've learnt from this is if you're a boring bastard or a miserable killer you won't get much out of a pill.
Was Keith Allen on a pill or what, did we ever even find out?! He's a fucking sourpuss.
Oh we're now hearing what the people in the survey said. Did they fill in the survey when they were high?
Keith Allen is bragging about having decent drug connections. What a fucking loser. Johnny 'Country Life' Rotten did the same thing on Question Time and it was the same feeling of your dad going 'this has got a good beat'. Grow up, beardy. Lily must be hiding behind a pillow right now.
'Are you a drugs counsellor?' 'No, I'm a substance misuse practitioner.' Christian gave him short shrift after that.
I was expecting a lot more from tonight's show but it was just more of the same old drivel. What was the point of it? Just to piss off the Daily Mail? 
Let's face it; those who are drawn to drugs are going to do drugs, and those who aren't, won't. More information, yes, but a giant plastic brain and a showboating Keith Allen? It's not science, and it definitely aint cricket.

Channel 4 Drugs live: The ecstasy trial

Hahahaha, lovely. Drugs! Live! Except they're not live. They filmed it before, presumably in case someone died.
So Keith Allen on an e isn't all that shocking. A pregnant Fearne Cotton on ecstasy is shocking. Jedward on an e is shocking (half would be enough for them, I'm sure). Anne Widdecombe on an e, that I'd pay to see.
Host Jon Snow - why doesn't he get involved?! He's always in disaster movies, isn't he, declaring the end of the world. Hold on, isn't he in Human Traffic? I'm pretty sure someone has a weird trip out and Jon Snow is dancing in the middle of the club. It's all adding up, He's a secret pill muncher.
They are giving them 83 milligrams (what does that mean? These measures as as incomprehensible as alcohol units) of specially prepared ecstasy. Normally when someone 'specially prepares' ecstasy, it's with brown sugar. NB. 'ecstasy' is a lot harder to spell than it looks.
Dr Christian Jessen! Obviously a pillhead. The first patient is gurning. He says he feels 'calm and general wellbeing and feels lovely.' Yes, there's a reason it's called ecstasy and not 'misery'. That comes later.
So they are giving some placebos and some E and then asking them how they felt when their friend died - ew.
In all seriousness, it is time to properly investigate ecstasy. Let's face it; enough of us will be finding out the effects in about 30 years time, probably in the form of severe Alzheimer's.
Here's what I know about ecstasy. I used to do a lot. I've seen someone take it and say 'why don't they put this in the water?' The same person said, 'I want to give this to my mum.' Ecstasy is one of the most harmless, non-addictive and fun drugs there is. It's not to say people don't die... they do. But it should be up for adults to decide if it's worth the risk, as they do with smoking, which provide no pleasure, and jumping out of planes, which is just stupid. It's time for drug takers (like bisexuals) to come out of the closet and say, 'It's not that big a deal.'
This woman patient says she 'got loads of happy memories back.' Er.. where's the bad side? Oh I know, next Tuesday. Aw, she's crying with happiness. But she feels disconnected from God. Oh well, do another pill, that should sort it out.
How many people are going to come off this trial and go find their nearest dealer?
I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in a scanner on E! Just looking at that machine makes me anxious.
That bit where John Snow said 'take us deep inside the brain' and parted the massive plastic brain was the lols. It's like something off Brass Eye.
Gap yah kid is saying he took E last on Friday and it made him feel 'at one with himself.' You parents must be proud. Don't admit you're a pillhead on TV! It might hinder your job prospects.
LOL to the jaw clenching diagram. Jon Snow just said GURNING. Lolololololololol.
How can anyone not enjoy a feeling of euphoria? It's like saying you don't like crisps. Only Morrissey would say such a thing.
My boyfriend can't stop laughing at the light up brain. Lightupvirginbrainwave. Is it Christmas?
Seratonin! This has just gone like Human Traffic. My boyfriend is certain they're trying to sell us some E. He just said 'are they going to mention the incessant looking for things and not being able to go for a wee?' Maybe later. How about the electric shocks in your brain and the nightmares where you're paralysed? I feel like I've been on this ecstasy trial for about 15 years now. And I'm still not skinny.
I never even knew e came from a tree until THIS YEAR. Which proves that there's not much info on ecstasy, because I've read a whole book in it (incidentally, the writer of said book 'Ecstasy Reconsidered' died in a car crash).
I never knew it used to be called empathy, either. Trust the DEA to shut down the 15 years of fun times. Probably because no one wanted to go to war when they were on it. They were too busy listening to Darude. Someone just said 'disco biscuits' and it sounded as quaint as 'ghetto blaster.'
OK they're giving it to a former SAS soldier now. RELAX. 'I didn't want nothing to do with it.' I've heard people saying that about E a lot. Some people don't like losing control, but in some ways you're more in control that with booze - you can drive a car, for example (JUST KIDDING). Soldier: 'I started getting the hump with it' - LOL. He didn't have a good experience because he was fighting against it. It's like someone going incessantly, 'are you alright? Can you feel it? Can you feel it?' Just get on with it, FFS. Enjoy those free drugs, misery guts. 4% of takers don't like it. That's 96% who are happy customers!
No long term effects? My own two eyes (and poor memory) would tell me otherwise.
Ha, the guy in the studio has got his gurn on. Where the fuck is Keith Allen?
Patient: 'the pink door looks really pink.' What's worse, people talking about their drug experiences or people talking about their dreams?
A woman just said 'an entire pallet of vocabulary'. And she's not even high.
Dr Christian has come to tell us about DEATH. A man called Parrott is telling us about the downsides. People are NOT aggressive on E. I've accidentally befriended someone who'd snogged my boyfriend a few weeks before whilst on E back in Northampton in the 90s. I stopped punching people as a teenager when I started doing E and it was no coincidence.
He's right about the memory. All drugs impair your memory. Including booze. With E, though, you'll never have a whole section of the night missing though, and you probably won't accidentally end up on New Years Eve getting a cab to sleep with your ex-boyfriend who likes Doctor Who. You'll be too busy watching quiz shows and listening to hard house.
Ooh, there's a guy who's son has died now. Buzzkill. You don't see Leah Betts dad about much these days, do you? He used to be worse than Mitch Winehouse for self-publicity.
This 'Shabs' guy is more like it. He's been taking E since he was 14 and it's not done him any harm, ha. He seems perfectly OK!
I prefer these people who like doing E and staying in. Oh, it's just a cover for their homosexuality. Bless. (Blowjobs don't count if you're on E.)
It doesn't even need to be discussed that doing e enhances your friendships. Just staying up for 12 hours with someone enhances your friendship, and being able to be more honest, plus a heightened feeling of empathy enhances your friendships. Until a week later when that person is still on your couch demanding cups of tea.
This Shabs is an eloquent chap. Why are all the e-heads either really posh or thick as fuck?
It's all over! That was kind of boring, and I said too much. Do we get the comedown show tomorrow? And where the fuck is Keith Allen.
For all you need to know about ecstasy, just watch a few MTV Dancefloor charts presented by Russell Brand. It's like digging up a 90s time capsule. What with Matt Alwright getting a bottle of piss in the face, this has been a good night for TV, but this show could have done better. It was too sanitised. I want to see people vomiting and picking the E out of it to take it again. Let's see Jon Snow pick the bones out of that.
I guess I'll be blogging this tomorrow then! It's good to be back.

Love Thy Neighbour

Apologies for my lack of bloggage but there's bugger all on TV worth shouting about and everything I am watching is either on DVD or about ten years old. I will blog about those things anyway, but not yet.
And I'm blogging this three weeks too late. Silly, aren't I? Still, I'm doing my best! I meant to watch this but Thursday is pretty much the only night I leave the house, so forgive me.
This show sees a bunch of people competing to win a cottage in a village full of bigots (is the one in Midsummer Murders?)
I want to win that cottage, people can call me whatever they like, I'll just put barbed wire round the fence and set the dogs on them once I move in.
The first couple are - lesbians. I know, shocking stuff! OMG they've got a baby. How DID that happen? No doubt some rude cunt will ask them shortly.
'POLITICALLY CORRECT'! Check. I think you get desensitised living in London to just how pig ignorant people actually are.
Second 'contestant' is a topless model. Well, they'll probably prefer her to the lesbians.
I went to look at a village to live in at the weekend. I'm not sure I'm cut out for people being friendly in shops and nodding to you in the street. I prefer chicken bones and human bloodstains lining the pavements.
Someone was literally open-mouthed at the sight of the lesbians. It's like the Daily Mail has come to life. Now there's a thought.
Apparently you DON'T need a man and woman to make a kid, you toxic old bat. Stop saying 'a lot of people will think this...' when spouting your own hateful views. Oh, and mind your own fucking business an' all.
OMG those cunts in the forest begrudging them their IVF. WANKERS. The NHS! Fuck off, the NHS is there for everyone. Why are you against two people who love each other bringing a child they love into the world? WHY WHY WHY? OMG the old 'the child will get bullied' scenario. Why not RAISE YOUR CHILDREN NO TO TO BE HATEFUL LITTLE TOSSERS???? How about that, ignoramus features? Too difficult for you? Go read a book, you fucking prick.
'A lot of people I know...' Just say ME! I HATE GAYS! I HATE BLACK PEOPLE! Just fucking admit it! It's all over your crowy, sour faces.
How can that gay couple be so patient with people being like that to them? I'd stab them in the face. I'd raze their village to the ground, cackling.
The topless model has got no chance, because she's a bit brassy and they're too snooty. Wow, I haven't heard anyone use the word 'trollop' in about 15 years.
When that blonde woman had upset the 'life model' and made her swear, she enjoyed repeating the word 'fucking' a little too much for my liking.
LOL even after the model stomped off in a huff, only 77% voted for the lesbians to stay. Says a lot.
I shant be watching anymore of this. There's enough hate stored up in my heart to do me an injury. I need to go do yoga or summat.
PS. Stay tuned to me. I missed you a bit.

The Model Agency

Not had enough of tyrannical cunts at work? Then why not watch The Model Agency.
Oh, model agencies. Full of arsehole men and women and reedy girls. I've seen it a million times before. I've seen a show really similar to this on C4 on Sunday mornings, reasonably recently, I'm sure of it. In fact, I think that's the same woman who was on it.
Why are all the model scouts so fugly? They seem like they're all cut from the same cloth; hard-faced and ruthless. LOL to that bloke reading a book and texting whilst someone is trying to talk to him, what an arsehole.
To be a model you have to look like you've 'come from another planet'. I can look like I've come from another planet if it's early in the morning, or I've been up late enough. Still don't think they'd book me. I think what they really mean if you have to look like emaciated and have un unnaturally large gap between your eyes.
Perhaps I would give more of a shit about this India storyline if we'd ever met her or seen her. As it is, I don't fucking blame her for wanting out, especially if someone called her fat when she's built like a chopstick.
Lol to the disgust at someone being 'a full C cup'. Heavens.
'I just want to stop all the pressure on India by ringing and texting her constantly until she forgets school and comes back to work as a model!' Fuck me.
Ah, here's India, part-Lily Cole, face like a satellite dish, and not knowing what she wants to do. Imagine being able to turn a 'dream' job down on a whim. I smell money. Sad when you think of all the girl's starving themselves to achieve that throwaway dream. But still, I don't blame her.
Why is this model scout such a crybaby?! STFU already. Stop acting like you care about this girl, you don't! You're pressurising her. RESPECT HER DECISION. No means no, you learn that when you're about three years old.
I dont think I can face this again, it's too vapid, but with no humour.
NB. Here's how you use a Flip camera. Press the red button, dumbass.

Documentary: Britain's Fattest Man

I always have to check how to spell Britain. Is this normal? I can't sleep so might as well stay up and watch this, as by tomorrow it will be ye olde news. In fact, it's probably old news now. I can't keep up with all the Twitter folk. It's like I'm writing this on parchment. Hey ho.
Firstly, let me say I can relate to this 70 stone guy. Because I went to go swimming after work today, stood on a 73 bus for about 25 minutes as it sat in one spot, and then got off and got a McDonalds. So I know how he feels. Luckily, I can still see my toes (for now).
I can't work out what is going on with this guy's rolls of fat. He has a roll of fat coming off his leg that is about twice as big as my head, and it's not his leg, or his stomach. What is it? It's fucking frightening, that's what.
How come someone comes in and looks after you when you eat yourself almost to death? I suppose there's no choice, really, what else can they do, just leave you to rot?
His face doesn't look that fat, oddly. He must eat CONSTANTLY. You must have to put in the spadework to get that fat. I eat junk three times a day and I've only got the one roll of fat. Right?
Who is bringing him crisps?! Who is bringing him white bread and butter? He was eating 20,000 calories a day! Fuck.
30 to 40 chocolate bars a day?! I don't think that can be true, but look at him.
Oh god, seeing him rolling there naked like a jellyfish, being sponged down as if he's a particularly unattractive car is just too much. He can just sit naked and it's not indecent because his genitals are just buried under layers of fat.
Christ, he's been turned down for stomach stapling. I doubt if they could find it. And I'm not being flippant. I'm starting to think I should have gone swimming after all!
Ugh, the op they're going to give him means he has half a chance of dying. I can't believe they can put someone that big under anaesthetic. It's unreal.
OMG he can't go toilet. That was what stopped him eating so much. Wow, is that what it takes?
He can't lose the weight because he doesn't move and burn off calories. Fuck.
It's weird that he wasn't even a fat kid. You'd imagine it would be a gradual thing from childhood. Interesting that he ended up caring for his mother, and now needs caring for himself.
He re-mortgaged his mum's house and spent ten grand on food and his sisters stopped speaking to him. Wow. Oh my god, this is too sad. He has no friends and no family.
They are putting a new table in to do the op because his 'tummy apron' is too big. Can you imagine the humiliation? Can you? Can you really? This is real-life horror.
Christ, they can't put him in a helicopter! Who's going to volunteer to fly that fucker?
I guess it's cheaper for the NHS to have a 50/50 chance of killing him than paying 100K for his care each year, right? I bet they do weight it up like that (I should be writing for The Sun).
OMG they are worried that the NHS floor can't hold him! But they weighed him and he was 'only' 56 stone. Lightweight.
Will someone take that toast off him! Give him a carrot, ffs. He didn't seem very interested in the fresh air. He hasn't been outside in years!
They're installing metal supports in the hospital. Bet he's glad he's not American and having to pay for all this.
I want to go on that 500 calorie a day jelly diet. A little 'piece' of his body looks flatter. But what is that piece? What's it called? It's like magic producing new body parts. This programme is making me feel scared shitless. I really hope he doesn't die at the end.
Don't look at the operation! Fuck me, how did he survive that?
Christ social services rang him whilst he was still in his hospital bed recovering to tell him they're taking his carer off him! FFS she's like his only friend. Evil cunts. They did just do it to save money. They're probably weeping because he didn't die. That is pure mental cruelty.
So at the end he'd lost 18 stone. He still looked fucking huge. They took his carer off him, and I'm surprised he coped with that. From being with someone 12 hours a day to having them gone is totally wrong.
At the end he stood up for the first time in two years. And then they did another op to make him able to walk by removing the massive lump of fat from his thighs. That piece of skin alone was one and a half stone. Wow. They even had to reset his legs to make them the right way round to walk.
He did actually look a lot smaller at the end, and lost 21 stone. I just want to lose two!
PS: if you're his sisters, why not try picking up the phone to him now?

Katie: My Beautiful Face

This is the horrific story of the model who got acid chucked in her face, by a 'friend' of her boyfriend because she dumped him. Blinded in one eye, and scarred for life, she can't even eat because her throat is burnt. She has to get fed through a tube.
To all the people who believe in 'fate' and 'karma': tell me what does someone do to deserve this?
GOD, those first operation pictures were so fucking horrific. I can't believe she looks as good as she does considering those pictures. They rebuilt her face entirely. When she described looking in the mirror for the first time, it was just completely harrowing. Just unimaginable how that must have felt, especially to someone who made her living through her looks.
Watching her parents have to massage her scars four times a day looked hard. Having to move back in with your mum must be hard. Not being able to go out on your own. Hard. Losing your looks AND your independence seems too much to bear.
So she met Danny on Facebook. He raped her after two weeks. Three days later he sent the guy to throw the acid at her. How much must he have paid him? Fucking cunt couldn't even do it himself. The CCTV of that was just terrifying; that's real life horror right there. That's You've Been Framed directed by George A Romero.
29 operations. God. She is one strong woman. 'Brave' is a weird word, because what choice does she have? It's just do or die, isn't it.
I didn't like it when she said she belonged to him now because of what he'd done. Don't admit it, don't let him think he's won. The thought of him watching this show and feeling smug is just unbearable.
That boyfriend cunt got a minimum of 16 years. The other guy got 12 (no minimum mentioned, but the papers say he'll only serve 6). Not long enough. But thank god it wasn't any less.
It was hard to see her suffer and feel so ostracised from society, but a lot of it is in her head (understandably). I think she could easily find love again. I think she needs to get out of her mum and dad's house as soon as she is strong enough.
She was absolutely stunning before, but she's still attractive, and she's got a gorgeous smile, and massive strength. I thought she looked really good at the party; I'd kill to have that figure and hair! I liked her dress as well.
The only way 'justice' can be done in this situation is to stick her ex and his stooge in a vat of acid. I'd enjoy watching. Just lower them in by robot, and then there's no morality issue. Then put it on TV, just to complete the circle.

Age 8 and wanting a sex change

Shouldn't that be 'aged'? That's a clunky title. How about 'My sex change: aged 8'. It's not entirely true, but it's snappier. Anyway...
Background: I think my feelings about transgendered people, and particularly their treatment by the media, (and then society), has definitely got a lot more defined in the past couple of years. It's all about the pro-nouns, isn't it (said in Gok style). It is so sick when the Daily Mail (oh yes, our old friend) insists on calling someone who's had a sex change by their old gender; if someone feels strongly enough to have their sexual organs operated on, and removed, then I'd say they deserve to be called a woman (or man, if it's the other way round), personally. Plus, the kind of agony it must take to come to that sort of decision; I mean, have a heart. Yet still, I barely notice jokes about 'trannies' sometimes, I'm sure I make jokes about them on occasion (yes even me!) They are an easily forgotten minority. Even some feminists seem unsure of where trans people fit in.
This documentary seems quite shocking on the surface; but what choice do the parents have? Let the child 'be themselves' whatever that might be, or suppress them? Isn't it better to let them find their own identity? That seems great in theory but in practice seems like a very difficult and confusing issue (and I'm just watching it!)
Josie is an 8 year old girl who used to be called Joseph and was born a boy. It does feel weird to call her Josie, initially, because can a child make that decision? I mean, they are American, and this is the country that brought you beauty pageants, Balloon Boy and My Monkey Baby. Who's to say a mother who really wanted a girl wouldn't put bows in her boy's hair for long enough until something stuck. But that's not the main reality.
It's interesting the way her mum said Josie ALWAYS wanted to be a girl; that it was just something so inherent inside. Not even that she wanted to be a girl, but that she WAS a girl. Even so, it does seem strangely psychotic to be discussing sex-change surgery with an 8 year old.
The mum said that Josie behaved badly as a boy because she wanted to be a girl so much. She finally found her in the bathroom considering castrating herself with a pair of nail clippers. The doctor diagnosed her with gender dysphoria (sounds like a Placebo song).
After that, the parents didn't seem so rash, they seemed very kind to have let her be herself at that age, rather than trying to fit her in another box. I guess a child who has had that freedom from 8 will be much better equip to deal with her teenage years, in many ways.
Kyla is another 8 year old boy with gender dysphoria (see, she wears pink!) Kyla seemed a little more like a boy in drag to me than Josie (and the voice-over was calling her him!!!) but I trust the parents have the child's best interests at heart. It's hard though; do you really know at 8? It's a scary decision to make, as they have to decide whether to give them hormones to basically change the path of puberty. That's a big one to get right. And I don't think it's patronising to question that; there's a reason why you can't get plastic surgery until you're 18, because your body changes, and your mind changes. But then there's this thing of just 'knowing inherently' and trusting someone to know themselves; I mean, I knew when I was 8 I never wanted to have kids. That hasn't changed. Argh, it's so difficult (see, this is why I don't want kids!).
It was weird to hear Josie at 8 coveting puberty and 'boobs'. That was funny when she said she was 'grumpy' that she had a penis. It seemed poignantly childlike.
Hold on, they just said 'it's been found that most people with gender dysphoria grow out of it.'!!! If that is the case (although they quoted no statistics) then surely letting the kids take the hormones before they hit puberty is pretty dangerous. I thought the doctors point about what if they change their mind about the hormones when the parents are quite fixed on it after so long was a good one. Christ, what a minefield!
Kyla then got highlights. I'm not sure an 8 year old should have highlights whatever the gender. I didn't dye my hair til I was about 13.
Ah, they finally have one the other way round! 12 year old Bailey was a girl who is now living as a boy. It seems more 'normal' that way round, I guess because it's more acceptable for girl's to act masculine. That was jarring when she said 'I don't even have girl thoughts; I think about sports and football'. This strikes me as a little worrying; because it's just this myth of defined gender roles, and they are hard to deconstruct at 18 or 27, let alone 12. Like, does it have to be one or other, or can it just be more fluid than that?
16 year old Chris was born female and now lives as a boy. He did take the drugs to stop him going through puberty as a girl, and now takes testosterone to make him a man. He really looked male too, except with a bit of a girly voice (but then I know many other men like that!).
It was interesting that his aunt said his dad always said he wanted a boy, but god, there's trying to please, and trying to please! Surely that can't have influenced it, it has to be genetic.
It was interesting when they were discussing should 12 year old Bailey tell his 'girlfriends' the truth? What if he does and it destroys his life, as they moved to an area where it wasn't known he was born female? It's a dilemma.
For Chris, aged 16, this was even more pertinent, but his girlfriend knew the truth. I liked his mum saying 'at least we can guarantee he won't get anyone pregnant'. Such a mum comment!
Bailey then had to chose between the testosterone injections and growing any taller, as they stop you growing. What a choice for a 12 year old. It just seems like too much. Testosterone also makes you infertile, so it's like a 12 year old choosing to be sterilised just for good measure. What a lot to take on, that's just mind-boggling.
In a weird twist of fate, Chris had a trangender mentor (FTM) who then fell in love with his mum! It's not the kind of family that Jan Moir would approve of, but it worked for them! I liked Chris, he was really sweet.
It makes you realise that these rigid little pigeon-holes we set up for children really are no good; pink for a girl, blue for a boy. They said Josie still likes cars and dinosaurs, so what? Maybe the little pink ironing board and kitchen set wasn't very much fun, did they think of that? I just feel lucky I never had to question my sexuality or my gender. I had it easy.
And as Brian Molko says, 'Don't forget to be who you are.' He also said 'For the first half of our gigs, there's normally some guy convinced I'm a girl, and a pretty cute one at that. As the gig continues, it begins to dawn on him that I'm a bloke, and suddenly he has to ask himself some serious questions.' and I think that's a good note to end on!

Documentary: Addicted to Surrogacy

I think surrogacy is wonderful. I have read amazing stories of women's generosity, and been in awe of them. What a gift. But why would someone want to do it repeatedly? Surely being pregnant is a strain, an ordeal, a drain on your health?
This show followed Amanda, who decided to be a surrogate after having her own baby. Olga, who was to be the baby's new mum said 'what's the point in marriage if you aren't going to have children?' as if people without children are entirely pointless. Amanda had never been a surrogate before, so it was all a bit up in the air how it might pan out.
I can't imagine how it feels to have to put your trust in a woman to give up their baby. It must be hideous; what a delicate, fraught situation. I am so lucky in a way that I don't want children; no biological clock, no worrying about fertility, no worrying about finding the right man, the right house, or being a good role model. It is very easy for me.
Another surrogate, Jill, had been a surrogate to EIGHT. She just seemed to be addicted to the feeling of being pregnant. All of her babies were biologically hers, but she had never kept one! How weird that she didn't want children, but she loved being pregnant. Now she was 44 and still trying! Time to stop. But it gave her life a purpose. She'd spent 18 years being pregnant for other women and hadn't had sex since she was 20.
Tammy-Lynn was American (no shit, with that name) and on her 6th and 7th babies (twins) for an English couple she didn't actually like. What must her husband think? I felt sorry for the couple waiting outside the room as the twins were born. How frightening to have your fat in someone else's womb.
Next we saw Carol who'd had twelve surrogate children, including triplets. Eek! She said her health is now on poor shape, and she had varicose veins and dodgy teeth. One baby she had for another couple turned out to accidentally be her own husbands instead of the new father's! Apparently the babyless couple were very angry but kept the baby. Carol seemed quite flippant about this, like they should be grateful for any baby, and I guess they should in a way, but it must have been a shock.
It was weird seeing the dynamic when Amanda's baby was born, Olga tiptoeing round, feeling like she was stealing the baby. Amanda was amazing, really; what a big thing to do for someone. How brave. I think it genuinely is that the women know how much they love having children and want to pass that onto another woman. But still she cracked when the baby left. That was hard to watch. I was shocked when she said she'd do it again! It must be like a weird buzz.
Personally, I'd rather have an addiction that's more managable. Luckily I do. Crisps!