The X Factor (and Xtra factor!): In Brief

I did watch the X factor live last night but was a bit tired to blog. I thought Stacey was good and was annoyed by Simon's comment that she was 'vulnerable', she was sexy and her voice sounded really nice. Olly has a good voice and was lumbered with a bad song. Danyl was on form; I'm sick of that sour-faced Cheryl Cole digging him out. Lucy seems to have been put in a 'teemo' category, and it doesn't suit her because it's not her natural style. And what was with the Stacey impression? That shit is catching. Lloyd needs to go home- tonight. And why do the judges rave about Jamie and Joe? I thought they were both flat. Jedward were genius, obviously. Ghostbusters? Inspired.
Why DO the contestants wear the same clothes on the friday and saturday show? Can't they afford another set? Credit crunch.
Black Eyed Peas! Made Jedward look credible. Can you think of a worst band on the planet? I can't. Is there an UGLIER band on the planet? I doubt it. Thank fuck for fast forward.
Leona is pretty good, isn't she? I mean it's not my thing but she's got a hell of a voice on her. Mind out for those loopy fans, Leona- wear a helmet!
I'm actually pretty shocked Jedward were in the bottom two. I thought they had millions of fans?! It will suck if they go, and I can't see how they can survive with the judges voting. Boo! Don't think Lucie should be in the bottom though, either. Her sing-off song was crap, though.
Oh christ, John and Edwards sing off-song was Rock DJ, the worst song of all time. Watching them bobbing about for their little lives was quite sad.
I felt quite nervous when they were deciding! Didn't think Simon would take it to deadlock, LOL! Hope he saved Jedward. Haha, he did! Poor Lucie.
Danni said 'it should never have happened!' Hehehe! Jedz on the Xtra Factor 'what's a backlash?' You're about to find out.

The X Factor: Rock Week (and results!)

I'm doing the main show and the results in one hit as I am only just catching up now. So if I'm irrelevant, I apologise.
Rock week sounds hopeful. What are we going to have, Placebo, the Killers? No, Katie Perry.
What has Cheryl got on her boobs? Looks like a couple of hubcaps.
Little Joe, my little popstar, you get on my wick. Oh they've put him in a leather jacket. He's not exactly Ozzy Osbourne, is he? No idea what that song was, but it wasn't rock, in my opinion.
I prefer Cheryl with her hair up. Her big hair gets on my nerves.
Lucie looked good as a rock chick, like a more bearable Mel C. I quite liked her performance.
Aw Danyl is fucking up his song because no one likes him! The nation is bi-phobic! The bisexual community needs to get behind him. But his fucking up DID seem very stage managed. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon told him to force a tear out. I like Danyl. He looked very handsome this week. He can sing. Cheryl is a bitch for sticking it to him when he's down either way. Simon, you can't say someone is 'undoubtedly probably' the best singer in the competition, those things cancel each other out.
Katy Perry is not rock!!! It's cock, but not rock. Lloyd can't sing. Get rid. I've done better than that at karaoke. And shouldn't he change the lyrics to 'I kissed a guy'? Damn straights.
Stacey's doing Somewhere Only We Know! Keane's one good song! She's murdering it. That song is fun to sing, I used to have it on Singstar. She sounds out of time with the music. Her dancing is duff. I don't think she can concentrate on two things at once, if you know what I mean (she's thick). Louis said the song is boring. Wrong! That song is lush. Can't believe the judges thought that was OK.
Argh Jamie doing Get Your Rocks off. I notice they took 'whores keep whoring and junkies keep scoring' out of it. That's not very rock n roll. Get Your Rocks Off requires no ability to sing whatsoever. Please let me never hear it again. Louis is right. Kerrang does not endorse X Factor rock!
I like Rachel and (whisper it) I like that U2 song. Fuck what have they done to her hair? They've Danniified it! Bring back the mohawk. I don't think it's wise to change her image each week, as it makes it harder to identify with her for the casual viewer. Imagine if they shaved the twins heads?
The Jedward quiffs are getting massive! They are like Sampson. It's quite a neat trick to get them to sing that Queen song, as it has no tune. They didn't look very sexy this week though, which is a shame as I think them in eyeliner as a theory works well.
I hate the Beatles, but I thought Olly's voice sounded good. Thus ends Saturday's show.
And now tonight's show! I'm X-Factored out already, and this is with no adverts, and no Xtra factor! I hope Lloyd or Jamie go tonight.
John Bon Jovi! Is he made of plastic? He's not ageing, is he? Bon Jovi were the first band I ever saw live. Milton Keynes bowl! Good times. Lighters aloft.
JLS on a giant picnic table! I'd scream if any of them were the slightest bit good-looking. Aston Merrygold indeed. He looks 6.
An advert for Bon Jovi! What a coincidence (!) Lloyd and Rachel in the bottom two. Hope Lloyd goes.
I hate the way Cheryl acts so hard done by when it's one of hers; she's a manipulative shrew. Don't gvie Lloyd your sympathy vote! Send him back to his mummy!
Deadlock! Rachel's out. Shame. She looks defeated. Racist Britain strikes again. Hold your head up high girl, go get your mohawk and your mojo back.

The X Factor: Eating a sandwich whilst swimming

It's sunday, so time for me to sit in bed in my nightie catching up on last night's caterwauling- hurrah!
Oh, it's Big Band night. Urgh. Is there anyone on the planet who thinks 'great- big band week!'. I don't have much to say about Olly or Lloyd, except the song was too low for Lloyd. Even if it was Brian Molko doing big band week I'd hate it. It's just against sanity.
Christ that rap by Miss Frank was AWFUL. I liked the red lipstick though. The judges always say the exact opposite of what I think.
Bring back Rachel's quiff! I can't believe Rachel is 18. She looks 30! Did someone put something in her drink, she was so loopy afterwards. I think I preferred her sulky with the quiff.
Is INXS big band? Er, no. Oh, it's U2. Same thing.
Dermot has said 'in your comfort zone' about 30 times so far tonight. It reminds me of the second time that I followed you home...
Stacey did sound out of tune, but who cares? You can't kick her out, it's like drowning a kitten.
I thought Danyl was pretty good- the best so far.
Please get rid of 'little' Joe. I'd rather watch mould grow on my windowsill. I like Lucie though.
John and Edward: still can't sing. Nice balloons. I don't think Ricky Martin is big band, either. I must admit, I did contemplate the John and Edward threesome for the first time tonight, but couldn't take it seriously.
Quite lacklustre tonight. We need a pop or rock week, or one where they choose their own songs.

The X Factor: Slow motion suicide

I'm enjoying my Saturday nights now, and catching up with X Factor on Sunday afternoon, with no fear of finding out the result. Nice one, Simon.
Christ, where did they dig Whitney Houston up from? Annoying back in the day, and even more annoying now we're expected to forget about the ten year crack-fest. Grr!
And with Louis at Stephen Gately's funeral, the show is looking shakier than ever. Will he have just one single group to come back to? It makes you realise that it's all a load of old rubbish, really. RIP Stephen, and C-U-N-T Jan Moir (yeah, I think everything has been said on that subject already).
Diva week seems a bit unfair on some of the blokes, doesn't it?
Why is Whitney hanging out with Frank Butcher? Why is Simon Cowell bigging up Frank Butcher? 'The most legendary person in music ever...' Frank Butcher? WTF? This a farce! He's not even the best car-lot owner.
I thought Lucie looked good, and she did well to sing such a lightweight song when she probably wanted to do a belter. Thought Cheryl was a bit cruel to her. Cheryl's acts are a load of balls and she's definitely on the defensive. The bigger the hair, the worse the attitude.
I like Dannii's La Foux-style hair. Dannii does seem cooler this year. Is all it takes a haircut? Cheryl, take note.
The song Olly sang was awful but there's just something inherently likeable about him. He can sing, too and he's a bit different.
Christ, they've made the pretty, scraggy-haired black one from Miss Frank very blonde! I like Miss Frank. They are kind of mismatched and came together by accident and there's something good about that, serendipitous. I like the little curvy one, too. Fuck you, Simon. Keep Miss Frank in! He was particularly harsh considering Louis isn't even there to defend them.
I like Rachel's fuschia lipstick! Rachel is super-cool. They made her up like a clown last week and I don't think it helped. Oh dear, they've gone a bit overboard on the blusher again. I agree with Simon's comments- Dannii is getting Rachel's styling/ personality a bit wrong. Nice jacket, though. Does Beyonce have any songs that aren't sexist against either men or women?
I hate Joe, and I hate 'Where do Broken Hearts Go'. Fuck off. I don't get why they all love him so much, he's fucking rubbish from start to finish. Go to your room!
I like Danyl, and I think Cheryl is just being a bi-phobic bint. And yes, I'm still pissed off about Ethan. Oh, he did sound a bit off during that, though. These songs bore the crap out of me. I'm losing the will. How can anyone watch this show live with the adverts too, I'd be self harming by this point?
If I hear Cheryl Cole say 'little popstar' one more time I might punch myself in the face in protest. Lloyd: zzzz. He reminds me of Eoghan Quigg. He sounded flat too.
Simon, control yourself! he 'fell in love with' Olly, and described Lloyd as 'cute'. Hmm.
Cheryl squeezed out some tears to save her little popstar! Sweet (vomit).
Fucking hell, John and Edward were even worse than last week! Even I can sing better than that. What a pair of tools. WTF was that bit in the middle where they did some Titanic ad lib? Fuck a duck. Keep them in! This is amazingly ridiculous.
Oh I forgot about this last guy who did Respect (I wonder why?). Get rid! Oh and Jamie Afro too. I'm flagging badly now. This song is dreadful.
I'm not sure even Stacey can perk me up right now. Oh dear, Cheryl said 'little popstar' again. *breaks own nose*
God, could Simon get his tongue out of Whitney's jacksee? And as for Frank Butcher. Send him back to Pat/ Peggy/ Janine.

New: X Factor results show

Gately is dead, no Louis but the show must go on, because ching ching, there's cash to made. So they've made it like American Idol and made them sing a really shit song at the start to make us all cringe. 'Tonight's going to be a good night' was perhaps not that suitable an opening song in light of a tragic death, but there you go. Dermot'll give us a cud and make it all better.
I kind of hope the twins don't go out a bit, because watching them dig their own hole is quite funny.
Ah, this is the reason for the 2nd live show! More voting, more money for Cowell's coffers.
Alexandra Burke; not just as good as Leona Lewis. Nice try though, love. Her hair looks good, so that's the main thing. Hold on, is she miming? Surely not!
Haha, Dannii had to apologise for her bi-bashing last night! Don't diss the bi's Dannii, they are a much maligned minority. It cant be easy for them, all that choice.
Robbie William's 'performance' was like watching a knackered old car-horn that had grown an ego farting round a stage for five minutes. Awful. He looked a bit 'twinkly eyed' to me as well. Sniff!
Haha, that's funny they put John and Edward through first. LOL! More rubbishness to come. I reckon it might be Kandy Rain at the bottom.
Christ, look at Rachel's blusher! The make-up artist really hates her. Fuck, she better not be in the bottom two. Shit, she is.
All women in the bottom two, and a black woman at that. Good old GBP.
At least they sing a different song, I couldn't suffer through those same ones again.
Aw Rachel looks crushed. This isn't fair. I thought both performances were quite good. At least they gave Louis a vote by proxy.
OMG deadlock! Those racy clothes paid off after all. I'm glad it went to the viewers vote. I'm glad Rachel stayed too, although I thought Kandy Rain were good. That's sexism for you.
I can tell X Factor is going to go badly this year from the championing of Jamie and John. Zzzzzz. I'd rather watch Dating in the Dark.