Welcome to the lowlight of your Christmas, my TOTP blog. And I've got James here with me for once to add his own brand of bile. It's really hard to write a blog on a phone so take heed and pity me, for suffering in more ways than one.
I have never heard this Take That song before, but we both agree the brand is not working as a three. Everyone wants a (Jason) Orange in their stocking. Why not get a new member? James Corden seemed up for it on the Gogglebox repeats - sorry, highlights - last night. James says he feels something about the way Gary sings feels patronising. If you're feeling patronised by Gary Barlow in a Christmas jumper, you're probably not at your mental best.
Who the fuck are Gorgon City? Isn't that a brand of cheese? Oh no, that's gorgonzola and Cathedral City. Is this dubstep? James; 'There's a rent a raver down the front.' James is convinced they film this TOTP in July and then just CGI Ben Haenow in at the end.
James: 'When's Florence on?' I think she's reanimating in her oxygen chamber, I've not seen her for at least a year.
Up next, Schmuck. Spelt Sigma. Isn't that some X Factor reject? Oh it's like drum and bass or something. They've half got the washing machine but not quite. Come back Ed Sheeran, all is forgiven. Not really, fuck off.
I'm not mentioning Fearne and Reggie this year as they're beneath contempt.
Next up is The Vamps, a 'youtube sensation'; like Frankie Grande but less likeable. James says they look like they might be playing in a bar in the background in The Knick. If that's not funny, direct your complaints to him as I don't watch it. Jingle Bells is not a valid Christmas cover version. This is endless. There's only one fucking verse to Jingle Bells, you cunts!
Fearne likes Foo Fighters, or her autocue says she does. Well, someone has to. I have never heard any of these songs that have been out this year, thank fuck. Yet still I want to punch Sam Smith in the chops.
James: 'Fresh from making computers, it's Tom O'Dell.' Who's this miserable sod? Bring back the garage. Bring back Pharrell. James says, 'Bring back Jingle Bells.' This is a song for those who started drinking port too early on Christmas and are crying already.
McBusted. My mum's favourite. I had to buy her their CD for Christmas. I'm not even joking. Do you know how that's going to screw up my recommendations on Amazon? Disgusting. This is anti-awesome. We think might have just heard the lyrics 'More range than Brian May.' Still I suppose it's cheaper to smash up a 'air guitar' than a real one not one of the pricks can play anyway. I hope the missing one with the eyebrows is having a lie in.
Next in the aural torture chamber is Coldplay. Who'd have thought the man who wrote the beautiful The Scientist could follow that with literally hundreds of duff, samey s-hits that make you want to consciously uncouple with your own eardrums. Just stop. Stop it now, just like the sex offenders charity. Also, stop wasting paper. That confetti is murders to clear up.
One thing I will say in Fearne and Reggie's defence, they're not incessantly telling me what's coming up next for once. Probably because everyone's turned off in previous years when they did.
Next up is Rixston. Me and James simultaneously: 'who?' James: 'These people all look privately educated. How do people know the words to this song? They must play it to them in the queue.' The singer looks like Shane Ritchie.
Next up, Jeff Probst from Survivor. Oh no, it's Mr Probz. This is the worst yet. I prefer Mr Oizo.This is a new low, even worse than that twit on the piano.
The next person 'had people literally pouring out of his tent at Glastonbury' - yep, running for the nearest Herbal Highs stand, no doubt. George Ezra? Pigeon toed twat. Knock-kneed gnat. I think he just sang a line about Gordon Brown. James is becoming hysterical, and not in a good way. We're praying to be called for dinner right now.
James says there's a lot of 'sub UB40 stuff out at the moment.' Just stop and consider that sentence. Sub UB40. Fuck.
Next up is Ella Henderson. I've not heard this much but it sounds like it's off an advert. Her mouth gets on my nerves. I know that's not her fault, but there it is. James is nodding his head to this one, it's his second favourite after Take That.
My mum has just come in to express her disgust at at Matt Willis. She said 'He takes over the whole band. Talk about ruining a good group.' Hold on, I just bought you their CD, I say. She goes, 'I like to listen to them but I couldn't watch a DVD with them on now. I don't know how Emma Willis puts up with him.' Fair comment, but he had to put up with her misogyny and bias so it's swings and roundabouts. No point trying to explain that to my mum, though.
'Ed Sheeran, your favourite!' I went to James. My mum failed to detect the sarcasm and said 'I knew gingers would have their day.' Ed Sheeran has not even got a nice voice. It sounds whiny. I didn't look up once when he was on. Offensive to all senses.
Who are Clean Bandit? Sounds like Mr Muscle. My mum is not impressed. But she has got a large glass of Baileys. I've not even had a drink yet. God knows I need one.
My mum is looking at the CD cover for her McBusted CD now. I said, 'Sorry, I should have crossed out Matt Willis's face for you' and she goes, 'Dont worry, I can do that', quick as you like, followed by 'He's gross.'
Haenow now. I've heard from a reliable source that he wasn't even a van driver. Honestly. How will the pop lizards try and pull the wool over our eyes next? Why wasn't he there in the studio? Could they not afford the CGI? Poor sod, he'll never get to be on TOTP now. His career will be over by next Christmas.
I asked my mum to sum up that TOTP in one words. She said, crap. On that note, I wish you a merry Christmas, JLS style. Have a good one.
Showing posts with label ed sheeran. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ed sheeran. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 December 2014
Top of the Pops
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
The Brits 2013: James Corden-blergh
Well, this is going well before it's even begun. One: I've got laryngitis so can't speak. Not being able to speak is rubbish. It makes me realise just how much crap I talk and how much I like giving my opinion on EVERYTHING. So I have a feeling that might make me channel all my anger through my fingertips into a giant splurge. I'm also coughing up bits of the back of my throat and look like something off the Walking Dead. I didn't even blog the Speidi doc (sob). Two: my boyfriend has stomped off into the bedroom declaring 'I won't have it on in the house.' Make that the same room. So now I've got feeling like crap, plus feeling guilty on my hands. Three: it's the Brits. It's my tradition to write a bilious blog about it, and I'll be damned if I let a horrible illness stop me. I'm already suffering, so what's a little extra?
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period. All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse.
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period. All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse.
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!
Sunday, 11 November 2012
X Factor: Christoph-uck off, please.
Soz for the no show last night; like Father Christmas, I leave the house once a year. James and Ella were clearly the best, but I enjoyed Rylan murdering the Spice Girls. I think one member of Union J is a badass; the others can all sod off, especially the little ventriloquist's dummy who 'plays' guitar. One Direction and all who sail in them are beyond creepy, do they have any songs about not controlling fat girls?
OMG what's with the U2 Beautiful Day singalong? They should have sung Lemon instead.
I like Ella and her normal figure, and James and his bad teeth. I'm soooo tired of Jahmene. 'I'm singing for my mum' he opined on Xtra Factor. Why don't you stay at home and sing for her and save all the rest of us the drudgery, then? I find him as exciting as a dishcloth. If he beats either James or Ella, it will be a travesty. I thought he killed Angels, and I hate Angels, anyway. But at least Robbie can sing it.
As for Christopher, the desperation to get rid of him is clearly turning into the biggest pity vote since Rylan. District3 doing Eric Clapton was dire. Ella made me cry and James brought the wub wub.
Next up, it's my little muffins, Little Mix! I haven't heard them sing anything since the horrendously inappropriate Cannonball, so it will be interesting to see what they do here. This sounds like that Katy Perry song ET. I generally like songs that have stuttering in, not sure this is my bag, though. Lion hair is virtually unrecognisable. They all look a bit cross and frowny. I wonder if they speak to Tulisa anymore?
It's lucky my boyfriend's not here as he won't allow Ed Sheeran on the TV. It's indie music for people who've never heard indie music, isn't it? Do people actually fancy him? He looks like a hobbit. I'm a fan of gingers but he gives ginger a bad name. He's so boring he makes James Morrison look wacky. Look at what he's wearing! You're on TV, hobbit! Fix up, look sharp. I'd rather drink bleach than listen to his dreary album. It's like he's taken something people genuinely like and extracted all the good parts out of it and served it up morosely in a hoodie, wearing a wooden necklace. What is this, 2001? Fuck off Frodo, Gollam wants his ring back. SIX singles off his album??? Money-grabbing gimp. And Morrissey can't even get a record deal. Britain: you disgust me.
James through first. Whoop: Rylan's through next, sweet! He's gone back to black but I'll forgive him. I love his and James Arthur's friendship. All Nicole's boys through, including Asda-nerd. Interesting way to announce it. Ooh, will it be Christopher or the boybands in the bottom 2?
Ooh, harsh time to have a break, Dermy, you little sod! How many breaks can they cram into one hour-long show?
LOL Chistopher is through so Louis has to eat one of his babies. It better be District Blee. Union J are way better. Louis is looking grim-faced. Looks like Christopher might be getting all those zillions of votes after all. HOW?
There's not even an attractive one in District 3, they all like they could be scampering round Middle Earth as Ed Sheeran's little henchmen. I find them quite cheesy. I suppose it's good drama to have to kill off one of the boybands, though. I sense another one of Louis' meltdown's coming on.
Neither boyband can be THAT popular, anyway, if they keep getting beat by the squarest shelf-stacker in England and someone who can't sing a note.
Put Union J though! They're cuter. They have better clothes. They seem more passionate. I think they want it more. Aw, it's cute when they all hug at the end. This better go my way or I'm gonna be pissed.
It's weird they're getting Louis to vote first. He's refusing to vote! Go, Louis. Gary has voted to send District3 home. Good. Yes, Nicole did, too. It's conclusive. Hopefully Union J will rack up a few more votes now the vote is split, and the singing pumpkin will finally be binned next week. Tulisa: 'District3 were R&B'. Er, no they weren't.
I was going to give 'I'm a Celebrity' a go and write a first blog about it, but honestly, I can't stomach it. I can never keep up watching a whole series of it, and I'm always baffled how it does so much better than Big Brother with it's mixture of human and animal cruelty. I think it's just a tired format like The Apprentice. Big Brother never gets old for me. Yeah there have been magic moments on 'Celeb' (Burrell, Gaffney) but it's not enough. I'm out. Xtra Factor it is.
(PS: I reserve the right to watch one episode and change my mind at some point. But it's unlikely, my planner is on 0%. I've already had to delete about 40 Deal or No Deals.)
OMG what's with the U2 Beautiful Day singalong? They should have sung Lemon instead.
I like Ella and her normal figure, and James and his bad teeth. I'm soooo tired of Jahmene. 'I'm singing for my mum' he opined on Xtra Factor. Why don't you stay at home and sing for her and save all the rest of us the drudgery, then? I find him as exciting as a dishcloth. If he beats either James or Ella, it will be a travesty. I thought he killed Angels, and I hate Angels, anyway. But at least Robbie can sing it.
As for Christopher, the desperation to get rid of him is clearly turning into the biggest pity vote since Rylan. District3 doing Eric Clapton was dire. Ella made me cry and James brought the wub wub.
Next up, it's my little muffins, Little Mix! I haven't heard them sing anything since the horrendously inappropriate Cannonball, so it will be interesting to see what they do here. This sounds like that Katy Perry song ET. I generally like songs that have stuttering in, not sure this is my bag, though. Lion hair is virtually unrecognisable. They all look a bit cross and frowny. I wonder if they speak to Tulisa anymore?
It's lucky my boyfriend's not here as he won't allow Ed Sheeran on the TV. It's indie music for people who've never heard indie music, isn't it? Do people actually fancy him? He looks like a hobbit. I'm a fan of gingers but he gives ginger a bad name. He's so boring he makes James Morrison look wacky. Look at what he's wearing! You're on TV, hobbit! Fix up, look sharp. I'd rather drink bleach than listen to his dreary album. It's like he's taken something people genuinely like and extracted all the good parts out of it and served it up morosely in a hoodie, wearing a wooden necklace. What is this, 2001? Fuck off Frodo, Gollam wants his ring back. SIX singles off his album??? Money-grabbing gimp. And Morrissey can't even get a record deal. Britain: you disgust me.
James through first. Whoop: Rylan's through next, sweet! He's gone back to black but I'll forgive him. I love his and James Arthur's friendship. All Nicole's boys through, including Asda-nerd. Interesting way to announce it. Ooh, will it be Christopher or the boybands in the bottom 2?
Ooh, harsh time to have a break, Dermy, you little sod! How many breaks can they cram into one hour-long show?
LOL Chistopher is through so Louis has to eat one of his babies. It better be District Blee. Union J are way better. Louis is looking grim-faced. Looks like Christopher might be getting all those zillions of votes after all. HOW?
There's not even an attractive one in District 3, they all like they could be scampering round Middle Earth as Ed Sheeran's little henchmen. I find them quite cheesy. I suppose it's good drama to have to kill off one of the boybands, though. I sense another one of Louis' meltdown's coming on.
Neither boyband can be THAT popular, anyway, if they keep getting beat by the squarest shelf-stacker in England and someone who can't sing a note.
Put Union J though! They're cuter. They have better clothes. They seem more passionate. I think they want it more. Aw, it's cute when they all hug at the end. This better go my way or I'm gonna be pissed.
It's weird they're getting Louis to vote first. He's refusing to vote! Go, Louis. Gary has voted to send District3 home. Good. Yes, Nicole did, too. It's conclusive. Hopefully Union J will rack up a few more votes now the vote is split, and the singing pumpkin will finally be binned next week. Tulisa: 'District3 were R&B'. Er, no they weren't.
I was going to give 'I'm a Celebrity' a go and write a first blog about it, but honestly, I can't stomach it. I can never keep up watching a whole series of it, and I'm always baffled how it does so much better than Big Brother with it's mixture of human and animal cruelty. I think it's just a tired format like The Apprentice. Big Brother never gets old for me. Yeah there have been magic moments on 'Celeb' (Burrell, Gaffney) but it's not enough. I'm out. Xtra Factor it is.
(PS: I reserve the right to watch one episode and change my mind at some point. But it's unlikely, my planner is on 0%. I've already had to delete about 40 Deal or No Deals.)
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
The Brit Awards 2012: The cream of the crap
I've blogged the Brit awards a mind-boggling four years in a row. The world is spinning round fast, isn't it? Perhaps I've mellowed and I'll enjoy it this year. What? James Corden is presenting again? Only Keith Lemon (an imaginary but still highly irritating person) is more odious. He's doing the spin-off show? I'll go stick some broken glass up my nose after instead of watching that.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.
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