Sunday, 11 November 2012

X Factor: Christoph-uck off, please.

Soz for the no show last night; like Father Christmas, I leave the house once a year. James and Ella were clearly the best, but I enjoyed Rylan murdering the Spice Girls. I think one member of Union J is a badass; the others can all sod off, especially the little ventriloquist's dummy who 'plays' guitar. One Direction and all who sail in them are beyond creepy, do they have any songs about not controlling fat girls?
OMG what's with the U2 Beautiful Day singalong? They should have sung Lemon instead.
I like Ella and her normal figure, and James and his bad teeth. I'm soooo tired of Jahmene. 'I'm singing for my mum' he opined on Xtra Factor. Why don't you stay at home and sing for her and save all the rest of us the drudgery, then? I find him as exciting as a dishcloth. If he beats either James or Ella, it will be a travesty. I thought he killed Angels, and I hate Angels, anyway. But at least Robbie can sing it.
As for Christopher, the desperation to get rid of him is clearly turning into the biggest pity vote since Rylan. District3 doing Eric Clapton was dire. Ella made me cry and James brought the wub wub.
Next up, it's my little muffins, Little Mix! I haven't heard them sing anything since the horrendously inappropriate Cannonball, so it will be interesting to see what they do here. This sounds like that Katy Perry song ET. I generally like songs that have stuttering in, not sure this is my bag, though. Lion hair is virtually unrecognisable. They all look a bit cross and frowny. I wonder if they speak to Tulisa anymore?
It's lucky my boyfriend's not here as he won't allow Ed Sheeran on the TV. It's indie music for people who've never heard indie music, isn't it? Do people actually fancy him? He looks like a hobbit. I'm a fan of gingers but he gives ginger a bad name. He's so boring he makes James Morrison look wacky. Look at what he's wearing! You're on TV, hobbit! Fix up, look sharp. I'd rather drink bleach than listen to his dreary album. It's like he's taken something people genuinely like and extracted all the good parts out of it and served it up morosely in a hoodie, wearing a wooden necklace. What is this, 2001? Fuck off Frodo, Gollam wants his ring back. SIX singles off his album??? Money-grabbing gimp. And Morrissey can't even get a record deal. Britain: you disgust me.
James through first. Whoop: Rylan's through next, sweet! He's gone back to black but I'll forgive him. I love his and James Arthur's friendship. All Nicole's boys through, including Asda-nerd. Interesting way to announce it. Ooh, will it be Christopher or the boybands in the bottom 2?
Ooh, harsh time to have a break, Dermy, you little sod! How many breaks can they cram into one hour-long show?
LOL Chistopher is through so Louis has to eat one of his babies. It better be District Blee. Union J are way better. Louis is looking grim-faced. Looks like Christopher might be getting all those zillions of votes after all. HOW?
There's not even an attractive one in District 3, they all like they could be scampering round Middle Earth as Ed Sheeran's little henchmen. I find them quite cheesy. I suppose it's good drama to have to kill off one of the boybands, though. I sense another one of Louis' meltdown's coming on.
Neither boyband can be THAT popular, anyway, if they keep getting beat by the squarest shelf-stacker in England and someone who can't sing a note.
Put Union J though! They're cuter. They have better clothes. They seem more passionate. I think they want it more. Aw, it's cute when they all hug at the end. This better go my way or I'm gonna be pissed.
It's weird they're getting Louis to vote first. He's refusing to vote! Go, Louis. Gary has voted to send District3 home. Good. Yes, Nicole did, too. It's conclusive. Hopefully Union J will rack up a few more votes now the vote is split, and the singing pumpkin will finally be binned next week. Tulisa: 'District3 were R&B'. Er, no they weren't.
I was going to give 'I'm a Celebrity' a go and write a first blog about it, but honestly, I can't stomach it. I can never keep up watching a whole series of it, and I'm always baffled how it does so much better than Big Brother with it's mixture of human and animal cruelty. I think it's just a tired format like The Apprentice. Big Brother never gets old for me. Yeah there have been magic moments on 'Celeb' (Burrell, Gaffney) but it's not enough. I'm out. Xtra Factor it is.
(PS: I reserve the right to watch one episode and change my mind at some point. But it's unlikely, my planner is on 0%. I've already had to delete about 40 Deal or No Deals.)

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