Tuesday, 29 January 2008

My Fake Baby (Reborns)

I only watched this because I saw them talking about it on Richard and Judy (Christ, I'm obsessed with Richard and Judy) and found it quite intriguing. It was about people who are hooked on these fake 'designer' baby dolls, and they are incredibly realistic. It seriously looks like a real baby. The show opened with the maker/designer of the dolls baking it in the oven! A baby in the oven isn't the most comforting image, but it sort of set the tone. You can make the babies 'breathe' or feel warm (but not shit, I suspect). It's super creepy.
It really reminded me of that show about the men who sleep with 'realistic' rubber dolls. I guess both are about replacing something living with something malleable but mute. But luckily no one sleeps with the fake babies. Although I'm sure a mind warped enough might give it a go.
But why would your average person want them? There are the usual people who'll collect any old shit. But then there are people with a slightly different motive, and that's the slightly worrying bit.
There was one woman who looked a bit like Cilla from Corrie who didn't want children (too noisy) but wanted to play out her maternal instincts. That is kind of weird- I could understand someone who couldn't ever have children having one as a prop, but a woman who thinks children are too noisy doesn't have a great deal of maternal instinct, right? Just get a puppy or something. She also had fabric conditioner in a bottle instead of milk (because it doesn't go mouldly). Better hope a desperate tramp doesn't rob her one day. Hold on, why the fuck does a doll need it's own drink anyway? I'm getting drawn into this madness! Later she took her husband shopping in Baby gap for clothes and other paraphernalia. He looked bemused to say the least. She spent £300! On NOTHING! On clothes for a doll! Barking mad. She also had at least four prams in her house. It grieves me that she is wasting her money in that way whilst I scrabble around buying my undies from Primark. But anyway.
Much sadder (and maybe more understandable) was the grieving grandma who's grandchild Harry had gone to live abroad. 'I just want him back again.' So they remade him, even down to the veins on his forehead. Every detail. Except for all the things that made him him.
Then there was the collector who made this sweeping statement: 'Most women like babies, whatever they say. Deep down all women do like babies.' No they don't. I've no interest in them whatsoever. I think they are ugly little puking, mewling, stupid freedom-destroyers. And I know many women who feel the same, so speak for yourself, love. Her husband called her 'sad' and said it was 'frightening' which was fairly accurate. There was something of the weird witchy collecting woman from Labyrinth about her, 'ooh you like this one, don't you?' as she brandished another doll in the direction of her visitor. The room was lined with them. I half expected Hoggle to turn up clutching an apple.
All the husbands of the women seemed puzzled but resigned to the situation. The bottom line with the wives seemed to be deep-seated psychological problems, or deep sadness. Some lack from childhood they don't even recognise. Which is a shame. The dolls really are a work of art, down to the dried skin on the fingers, but there is something insidious and exploitative about them.
'When you've got a baby people stop and talk to you, everybody looks.' God, how emotionally void to need that validation from strangers. They aren't looking at you. They are looking at what's in the pram.
Towards the end we saw 'Cilla' going abroad to take delivery of her latest 'baby' and she was fantasising about what it'd be like if she were real. For God's sake, just have one. I hate the bloody things, and even I can see what you'd get back from them is a lot more than from a rubber doll. I wonder if it was the husband who didn't really want to have babies? But then after two days of 'bonding' with the doll, the head cracked! Sick! It's bad enough when you buy a new jumper with a loose thread isn't it? A cracked baby is unforgivable.
Now I'm left to wonder... how much do these things cost? And I bet you the answer is... a lot.


Sheesh Kabeesh said...

Brilliant! I missed that.
For what its worth:-

A 'reborn' baby goes for about £100-200

If you are feeling maternal the last thing to do is get a puppy - at least if you get one like mine

You can also get 'reborn' toddlers!!...but best of all you can get monkeys. have a look here:


God only knows who buys them? Zoo keepers with mental health problems?

lightupvirginmary said...

Good to see you, old friend.
Oh my god!!!!! That is terrifying. That's a mutant monkey.

coxon le woof said...

That programme worried me. A lot.

Freaky to watch and as you say, those women all seemed to have deep, un-treated psychological problems. And seriously need help. Especially the one trying to recreate her grandson. Loved it when he said 'Its just a doll numbnuts'.

It all seems a bit sick. Plus the 'babies' just looked dead.

Ossian said...

I prefer your reports to the programs, most of which I don't like. This one just reminded me about this premature baby dolls site. Warning: contains nauseating drivel by sick religios.

(Is it for religion they strap remote control bombs to Downs syndrome women in Iraq and blow them up? I bet it is. What's one more or less victim to them? But as for "premies" - they've got to be saved at all costs, and made into dolls. Religion.

lightupvirginmary said...

I just read about that Steve- it was Al Qaeda. Proper horrific. Women's life is cheap. Mind you, all life is cheap to people so convinced about some divine right to 40 virgins. I wish there was a hell so they could go fucking burn. But then just being them must be hell.