Friday, 25 March 2011

American Feeble (Blowtown week)

I was already mad about watching this, now Seacrest announces it's Mowtown week? Fuck a duck. This is getting as arduous as Eastenders. This show has gone down the dumper, big time. That USA X Factor better be BLOODY GOOD.
Woah! Jlo's blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows and a sugar pink glittery dress. Did her toddlers dress her tonight?
Casey. Last week he murdered Nirvana. This week: hopefully Steven Tyler. When are they going to shave his revolting ginger beard off? It's getting as hard to shift as Matt Cardle's hat. I can't STAND Heard it Through the Grapevine (obviously) but I thought he did a decent version. He's probably in my top three (which doesn't say much for this rabble).
Thea. Next. Steven Tyler might as well sit there and go 'oooooooooowwwwww!' because his comments are total dogshit.
Jacob. I HATE his style of oversinging. I think he is AWFUL. He would be crucified on our XFactor. It bugs me when they say he's so good, and there's just something so SMUG about him. UGH. Adam Lambert seems like he came from the future when I watch how regressive this dude is. In fact, how regressive this whole show has gone.
Talking of smug, up next is Lauren, who is the dictionary definition of precocious. She gets right on my wick as she obviously thinks she's the shit as well. Well, you aint. You're just shit. Stop wiggling your head around like the Churchill dog. JLo just said she looked great, and the little upstart didn't even say 'ta'.
I like Stefano, but he's just so AVERAGE. I expect him to go out every single week. Oh Lord, he's MURDERING 'Hello'. Really duff.
Wow, I just noticed JLo's blusher. Less is more, Jlo, less is more. NB. The other day I woke up with the song 'Jenny from the Block' stuck in my head, and it didn't go for at least half an hour. DON'T LIKE.
Gordon Ramsay is in he audience! Sexist, cheating cunt. Let's all applaud him.
Hayley. Who is she? I don't feel like I've even seen her before. What have they dressed her as? She looks like she's in a Robert Palmer video.
Randy just said 'yo' at the end of a sentence! *pine for Jessie*
I think Ryan Seacrest must miss the sexually-charged banter with Simon. Maybe he should start picking on/fucking Steve Tyler.
Scotty! OMG I hate him! ONE TRICK PONY. And it's a pony we'd put down in this country. His face makes me want to throw up, he looks like one of Harry Hill's creepy puppets.
Pia. Well at least she looks good, and this song is listenable. Hmm, maybe it isn't.
Ah, here he is, my lovely little beardy thing. Paul with the movie-star teeth. He always looks like he's a bit stoned. AND he's doing a good song! Ah, he really is a breath of fresh air on this show. He's 4REALZ! No doubt he'll be leaving any week soon.
And he said 'what's going on, yo?' Jessie times! I actually just turned UP my TV. That's unheard of whilst watching this. He's doing Tracks of My Tears. He makes me smile! He's got backing singers doing the high notes. I love it. He's wonderfully shambolic. He's got charisma. I think I'm falling for him a bit, even though he's not sexy.
Oh God, Naima died on her feet last week. I really want her to do well because she's quirky, but she's not very good. SORRY! (as Simon Cowell would say). Wow, those trousers are something else though. I like her bangles. Her dancing was mental. LOL they did a Harry Hill ending 'DANCINGINTHESTREETS!' That's the second time I've mentioned Harry Hill in one blog. HARRYHILL!
James. I feel like I should like him but I don't. I find him quite boring. His voice grates on me a bit, too.
So that's it. And I watched 2 hours of that in about 40 minutes. Score.
Just watched the results show in about ten. I will not comment on Stevie Wonder or Hulk Hogan. Casey's out! Curse of being on first, dog. He was actually one of the only decent ones. Well done America, you brainiacs. Ah, the judges used their wildcard on him. One save of the season! Better hope Paul don't get in that bottom two. Casey looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Aw, bless. How cute! That was mega cute. His parents are the cutest thing on the planet, too.
But that also means tonight was ALL FOR NOTHING.
BTW I'm going on my hols to Spain for a week now, so let me know if I miss anything good on TV.

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