Sunday, 11 October 2009

The X Factor: 1st Live Show (without Ethan!)

Gawd, watching Saturday night's X factor on a Sunday is a tyranny; can't leave the house and get a paper in case I see the results. Oh hold on, the results are tomorrow now! Fuck this, I'm going out to get a sausage sandwich.
(disclaimer, I still think splitting it into two shows is utterly unnecessary.)
Wow that sandwich was good. I'm ready to bitch. Yes, I'm still mega smarting about Ethan and Daniel Fox. I reckon Simon would have chosen them. Cheryl needs to change her taste in men (in more than one area).
Hmm, they've put Rachel on first, not that pleased about that. She's brilliant so hope she doesn't crack under pressure! Oh fuck, Robbie Williams. WHY? He looks about 50. He makes me feel sick to my stomach. I could write 5000 words on why I hate Robbie Williams. If I could have him airbrushed from the planet, I would. Or machine-gunned even.
'Let me entertain you' doesn't have a tune, so Rachel was at a disadvantage from the start. Too much make up, too shreiky, too many 'wooos'! Too much dancing. Oh dear. Simon: 'I have mis-underestimated you.' Ahem.
Kandy Rain aka the Pussykat Trolls. Nah not really, I just wanted to do a Sun-style pun. They're good, good-looking and they can sing. A lot of leg boob on show though; why should men get to ogle when I don't get to perve over Ethan? Not fair.
Fuck off Cheryl; I've seen Girls Aloud wearing equally slutty (I'm using this word for men and women) things, and you're meant to comment on their voices, not their clothes. I hate Cheryl, she's being sexist; you can wear sexy things once you're established? This is bigger bullshit than Beyonce and her Sasha 'character'. They can wear what they fucking want, but it's not like they chose those clothes, the stylists did! Stick your demure up your old rotten fanny, Cheryl.
Next up is Deal or No Deal fella, Olly. He sang a Robbie Williams song, and sounded exactly like Robbie Williams. What's the point?
Ricky has basically stolen Ethan's spot as far as I'm concerned. Take your flat-cap and shove it up your arse. His voice sounded quite feminie singing Amy Winehouse but maybe that's just because of the song. I didn't mind it actually. *pines for Ethan*
I like Stacey, she's so dopey! She's like a comedy character. WOW, she was really fucking good! That actually moved me (I do like a bit of a cry-up to Coldplay). She can really sing. Dannii has got the strongest category by a MILE.
I like Miss Frank! I like the fact they came together by accident. They are a bit loud, but they're cool. And they're cute.
I found Jamie a bit tedious. Simon said that was the best thing he's seen so far? Shoulda gone to Specsavers.
Lloyd 'my little popstar tm.'; another dull foetus I have to look at instead of Ethan. Great, he can't sing high notes. Fuck off, then! Yuck, he's doing 'cry me, cry me!' I hate Timberlake almost as much as Williams (but not quite). I don't think this kid's voice is any cop whatsoever. To quote Courtney 'oh just shut up, you're only 16'.
Shit, I just saw on Strike Gently that Stephen Gately was dead (I was asleep for most of yesterday). Nuts. I know of someone who just went to sleep and never woke up, but who knows if there's more to it than that.
I think Lucie is very good. Dannii's category is seriously hot.
Next up is the distinctly non-psychic John and Edward. Oh they're irish! So THAT'S why. Robbie described them as 'endearing'. I think he meant 'arseholes'.
OMG Rock DJ; the worst song EVER EVER EVER written. At least there's barely any singing in it. The pair of them looked utterly embarrassed, and so they should be, the cocky little chancers. They make Same Difference look polished and likeable. Cheryl's backhanded insulting of them was good.
Little Joe whatever he's called doesn't do it for me, and that song was too low for him. I thought it was rubbish.
God this X Factor is sucking the life out of me, and I can fast-forward the adverts. It's too long, and tomorrow too? It's too much.
I like Danyl, but I hate that fucking song more than I hate Robbie Williams- FACT. Dannii outed Danyl as a bi! Hehe. Go on Danyl, squeeze out a tear.
Christ I need a stiff vodka and a lie down after all that.

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