The X Factor - Judges 'Ouses

Hello, and welcome to judge's 'ouses (always to be said in the style of Rylan Clark). Louis kicked off two of the boys I liked last week and instead picked posh Giles and some fat people. The musical-chairs-of-doom twist was unforgivable, and reassures me that the judges have neither nor soul or ethics. Here's your dream! Oh, no, give it to someone else. Sick fucks.
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!

The X Factor: Tonight's going to be a good night (dependant on the ITV player)

Well I've missed the first half an hour of X Factor because my BT vision box just didn't bother to tape it. Thanks! So glad I've wasted weeks on this show only for that to happen.
I've got it working again just in time for One Direction. Lucky, lucky me. They are doing Elton John. Flat. Get the message. Elton doesn't like you.
Fuck this, I'm going to watch the whole thing later; I'm not feeling it halfway through. *time passes* OK, it's just come on ITV player at 10pm. THANKS. I only have to do 30 mins on interwebs, the rest I've got recorded.
WTF the ITV player is starting at the exact point my BT vision box started recording! Did the first part of X Factor disappear into the ether? This is really getting on my fucking nerves. Incidentally, the ITV player is the least intuitive website on the WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET. I think it's got mental problems.
Fuck it then, let's just go with what I've got.
WTF is going on with Cheryl's hair?! She looks like she's just got out the bath. Oh, now it's snowing. Lovely.
Here's how the odds should be: Cher FTW, Rebecca, One Direction, Matt. Here's how the odds are: Matt, One Direction, Rebecca, Cher. See the discrepancy? Boo.
One Direction's mum looks about 20. I don't tend to gaze adoringly into my mother's eyes and say I love you, but maybe I'm just uptight.
The other boys One Direction went to school with must be livid. I bet they were a right bunch of ninnies, especially that blonde one.
Oh I've only missed Matt and Rebecca. I thought I might have missed Cher.
What is Tina from Corrie doing? She looks like she's fallen face-first into the MAC counter.
Oh god, I think I've got the first bit going again now. Are you enjoying this blog? I'm certainly enjoying writing it. *pours another drink* Come on, stay a while, suffer with me.
Matt and Rebecca better be on fucking high wires at this rate.
OK, I'm there, back at the beginning. Everything is right with the world. Voiceover man comforts me. That and the Cava.
Ah... Diva Fever. Memories.
By the way, I know who the duets are, despite trying to avoid it. Was Will.i.am going to duet with Mary if she went through instead? #itsnotafix (ooh, crossover joke)
I feel a bit hungry now, I've waited for so long. I need some hard drugs. Also, the picture quality on this ITV player blows.
Group song. AIDEN! Ahh... his quiff is getting Jedward-esque. Wagner, get us some dope will ya? I don't even smoke it, but I'd do some crack with Phil Mitchell right now if it got me through the next 90 minutes.
Cher is doing a rap about musical chairs. GANGSTA. Matt's out of tune. Uh, this song is reminding me of that Black Eyed Peas atrocity last week. #itshouldneverhavehappened (sorry, I'll stop doing that now)
God, did I really wait three hours for this fucking racket? I think I'll go back to watching people biting their toenails on BBC3. Is it really up to us this week, Dermot? Is it?
I think the fact that Matt Cardle's hat is so popular speaks volumes about the extent of his charisma. Oh, and the fact he's doing Dido.
I can't even fast forward this shit. The imaginatively-named ITV player is 'buffering' a few times already. It's like it's the early 90s all over again.
Judges: Oh Matt, you're so amazing, you're wonderful, the sun shines out of your behind. NO you're a fucking dullard. Go away.
I can hear Stacey Solomon but I can't see her. Nevermind.
Ah, look at Princess Cheryl having a cup of tea in Rebecca's council house. I hope they put down the appropriately-coloured carpet.
Rebecca is being spun round on a giant black cake. Why? Ask Brian Friedman. I don't know what this song is. I like Rebecca, but the style of music just sends me to sleep.
OMG Louis and Cheryl say the same fucking thing every week. 'Likeability factor... you deserve to be there...' Just stick a robot there to say this shit. It'd be more human.
Rebecca's best friend looks just like her! Spooky. I respect that in a friend. All friends should dress the same, it's your little gang.
Ahhh back to my TV and the fast forward button now. Thank fuck. It's not fair, I wouldn't be this drunk if it was 7.30 right now.
Cher. I bet Cheryl was pissed off having to go to two council estates. Aw, bless Cher's brother.
Cher's got her pyjamas on. So have I. WTF is this song? It appears to be about a rubber dolly. Is that a euphemism? Get your freak ON! She should have done that one about doing E, I used to like that one.
This is all over the place and it's still seven billion times more interesting than Matt and Rebecca combined. She feels real. Which is why she won't win.
My computer is mad with me cos I won't plug the battery in. I won't plug that battery in until the bitter end, so nag all you want!
Duets! Matt Cardle and Rhianna! Yeah they seem like they'd go well together... right? Hopefully he's going to do the Eminem rap Cher did last week. Matt's got Dermot's suit on. He looks like he's just shuffled by from parents' evening. Ugh, what is this song? It's like someone's getting murdered.
Rhianna needs to sort that barnet out. Incidentally, I saw an interview with Rhianna recently, and she really was as thick as pigshit. Does she require flames wherever she goes? Matt looks completely out of his depth. Hope he catches fire. Why is he in that fucking suit? It looks highly flammable! Should have gone for the vest again, that was just weird. Matt should have duetted with someone indie. They are making him into something he's not. Perhaps that cunt from the Kooks might have been available.
Rebecca and Xtina also don't go together in the slightest. It's like they're willing her to lose. Rebecca has too much hair tonight. I like her little cape, though.
Christina is looking... busty! I'm sure people will be slagging her off for not looking anorexic as all female popstars should, but she looks good. Her hair's gone haywire. She is just singing AT Rebecca. Rebecca looks like she wants to curtsey.
UGH One Direction are performing with Robbie Williams. Haven't I suffered enough tonight. Their little coloured suits looks silly.
I hate this fucking song, too. Didididididididi is basically how it goes. Robbie looks like he could be their grandfather. Aw bless, they were completely out of tune then. Oh what an 'honour' it is to sing with Robbie. I wish Robbie would DROP FUCKING DEAD.
Oh lawks, what song are Cher and Will gonna murder? I hope it's My Humps. Cher rapping to this Black Eyed Peas song reminds me of when I do Eminem on the karaoke, but I only know the first verse of any given song.
Eh heh! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good, good night! This song makes me laugh. This is the perkiest I've felt all night. His necklace is rather smashing, too. He must be hot in that coat.
Fuck me, is Rhianna hawking more of her wares on this show? Wow, look at those earrings. They're cool. I'm a fan of ginormous earrings. Is she gonna whip her dressing gown off? OMG she's just got her undies on. Is that appropriate for a family show? What would Widdecombe say?
I like her body (Rhianna's, not Widdecombe). This song is poo poo, though. This dance she's doing is borderline obscene.
Ooh, Xtina's back too. Let's hope she's got some clothes on. Oh. This dance is reminding me of Courtney after a few whiskies. They should rename the show the 'objectification factor'. This song is awful. I like her chewy-looking hair though, actually.
I like it when popstars go a bit fat, too. I think it shows their humanity.
I'm getting so fucking bored with this show now. I think this performance is 0.2% less sexy than Matt Cardle in that vest.
Talking of X Factor, I saw Alexandra Burke being interviewed on TV this week. She is one boring bastard. How the fuck did she win it?
Results! They're kicking one out. Hope it's not Cher. *sadface*
Ick, Matt's still got that suit on. Dermot: 'good luck to everyone.' Might as well say 'good luck nobody.'
Hmm, I wonder who will go through between Matt the plank, and Cher?
Planks rule! Well done, viewers. Pass the razorblades.
Simon: 'there's going to be a shock tonight.' Nice try. See you tomorrow for the bore-off. Night.

The Brit Awards 2010: Worse than you could have imagined

I am watching this PURELY to complain about it. It can't be as bad as the Soap Awards; can it?
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.

Top of the Pops Christmas special: There's a she-wolf in the closet

A Christmas special before I get drunk! My gift to you, mainly because nobody loves me and I'm spending Christmas alone in a bedsit (with the man I love!) Warning: I may break the profanity barrier with this one.
Stop telling me what's coming up! This is where Andi Peti went wrong with this show, no one in their right mind wants to know what's coming up, as they wouldn't watch another minute. Leave it mysterious!!!
I have never heard 95% of these songs. It's fun being out of touch with pop music! This has got a good beat (if only).
Alexandra Burke has nice hair.
Why is the bloke from One True Voice singing with Dizzeeeeeee Rascal? Is he keeping it real? Dizzee is a fucking sell out. This is truly music for munts.
The Saturdays. Well, by Friday life has killed me.
Muse have come dressed in the comedy style, something they've also been applying to their albums for a few years now. Plug in Baby, I miss you.
La Roux just have this one song, right? Her voice is so shrill! Weeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Shut up.
Sugababes. I've got diabetes.
JLS. I like JLS, they seem like well-brought up young men and their dancing is amusing. Aston Merrygold has a very festive name. This is one the mums can enjoy.
Florence and the (rage against the) Machine. She looks like she smells of lavender. Is she trying to out-shrill La Roux? Her lyrics make Dizzee Rascal look poetic. She looks like an old goth who's just crawled out of a coffin. Go crawl back in. (I do like one of hers, but it aint this one).
Diversity aint a pop group! This is diluting the brand. I do fancy that one though. No not THAT one, you sick fucker.
Have Kasabian got Johnny Marr on guitar? I wouldn't put it past the old tart. This is abominable. Nice comedy wigs though. Just putting 'fire' in the title doesn't make you Kings of Leon you know, and even they can take their beards and fuck off. Fearne, I need your music recommendations like I need to be locked in a room with Peaches Geldof giving me her home-spun philosophy on Pink Floyd and crop circles.
Seems like going 'ooooh' is pretty much order of the day. Apart from Shakira who went Aaowoooo! And mentioned lycanthropy and coffee machines. Her lyrics are truly a joy. When she's the best thing on a show about music, be afraid.
Robbie Williams was reading his 'lyrics' off an autocue. Wow, this song is really bad, I didn't realise he'd got this bad. 'Hysterical, historical...' fuck off. You look like a haggard fucking old lizardy talentless cunt. Die.
And for your Christmas number one, I bring you a song that was an embarrassment to all involved when I was 13 years old and is now an internet embarrassment sixteen years later. Is there a radio edit? Oh they cut off the end. Fearne sounded bitter about it! LOL. Mysteriously we couldn't 'sing along' to most of it as we had been allowed for the rest of the show. Motherfuckers.
No little Joe Mceldry? You have denied the grans that with their Christmas lunch? You heartless bastards. Now go get drunk whilst I have a little cry.