Saturday, 24 March 2012

The Voice UK: Your lips are mad clean

'It doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear'. That's lucky with these jokers on the panel. The Voice USA is a triumph. I have a feeling this is going to be an embarrassment. The BBC don't do this type of show well. Although I liked Fame Academy. Specifically Ainslie.
Four of the biggest names in music? I don't even know what one of these people is called. 'Danny O Donna-who?' said my boyfriend. I predict that joke will have been done approximately 4843874387387282137 times on Twitter by the time I post this blog. I don't look at Twitter whilst I do my blogs, btw, mainly because I don't watch shows live. But also because I can think of my own bad jokes. Well, either me or the boyfriend can.
I am really appalled by choice of judges for this show. Three men and only one woman: well, goes without saying. Hateful sexist scumbag Tom Jones - who sleeps with women other than his wife and just expects her to put up with it - is so out of touch that I doubt if he could tell Rhianna from a wrist watch. Jessie J is so insincere she makes Fearne Cotton look friendly, and her music is pure piffle. I'd like to comment on DOD from the Script but I know nothing about him. I can only assume they got him cheap as fuck.
Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. If he's a sex bomb, I'm painting myself with Kevlar and hiding in Obama's suitcase. And even then, I'm scared. Can you imagine him waving it at you, all orange with those grey pubes. Sorry, I just vomited in my lap.
I've got a feeling! That tonight's gonna be a good night. When will they learn with this fucking song? Frankie Cocozza should have put that fucker to bed long ago. Why aren't they singing one of The Script's ditties? OMG this is proper embarassing. I reckon Will Young refused to sing this song and was thrown from the panel straight onto the Question Time set.
Every time Jessie J speaks my boyfriend goes 'huh!' because she always does it in her turgid songs. Huh!
Don't know why Reggie Yates is on this show. Holly could do it easily on her own. Oh God, it's like when Pointless first started and they had to explain the rules 10 billion times over. It's not that difficult. They've got their backs to the acts. They press the button if they like the Voice. End of, as Saskia from Big Brother would have said. God, my references are more out of date than Tom Jones's.
Imagine being patronised by Jessie J. On TV. They should put up Samaritans number at the end, the humiliation is so great. I'd rather be spat on by Cher Lloyd or hit on by Kirk Norcross.
I always imagine an American person watching the UK versions of their shows and crying with laughter. London Ink, for example. Honestly, we haven't got a clue. Endemol shows should be all about sex and drama and twists and fakery. This is just a bunch of old farts sitting in chairs. I can see that in my own living room, even when the TV's broken.
The best bit about the US version is all the judges gurning at each other. They have quite good chemistry, too. Christina is a drunken mess and charming, Cee Lo is a big cuddly bear, and even that twat from Maroon 5 is entertaining because he's such a doofus. The country one isn't worth mentioning as you haven't heard of him and I suspect he can't remember his own name.
The first contender is doing a Jessie J song. She's not going 'huh!' though. Huh fail. is annoying because you have to write those dots in his name. Every journalist on the planet must despise him for that. I shall just go the Daily Mail route and call him Mr. Adams instead. That's not the ONLY reason Mr Adams is annoying, though. He's got an annoying face. His eyes are a bit far apart. He wears annoyingly bright clothes. He's mates with the hateful Cheryl Cole. He helped make Fergie and her appalling 'humps' famous.
What songs is Tom Jones gonna give people to sing? Some Catatonia bullshit? Who on earth is going to pick this Script dude? What contacts does he have? He doesn't even have enough nous to make HIMSELF famous! Scrapt!
Bloke from Five: still shit.
I like the contestant named 'Samuel Buttery'. What a fantastic name. Do you think his mum's called 'Utterly'? He's got the best voice so far. I wonder why no one else turned around except for that disgusting toad-faced Welsh sex-creep? I'd hate having to cow-tow to that disgusting leery old pig.
My TV is strobing and it's doing my fucking head in. I'm going to put my foot through it in a second. As if this isn't torture enough? My TV strobes during Pointless, too, all the license paying channels. Thank fuck I gave up watching Eastenders. Don't come round mine if you're an epileptic.
Alopecia times! I thought Jessie J said it wasn't all about the sob stories. Mind you, she said it wasn't about the money, money, money, either. That contestant looks better with her scarf off. Some people suit a bald head. Surely Jessie J is wearing a wig, anyway? What... that's her real hair? Mentalz.
Push the button... don't push the button. I love all the gimmicks. I like the thrones. Where the fuck is Holly Willoughby?
That guy who did Oasis was dull as fuck. Mr. Adams has 'cats he hangs out with at home that live and eat music.' Mine live and eat Hi-Life tuna and salmon.
Tom Jones, stop name-dropping, you're worse than Courtney Love and Michael Masden combined. I don't think Master Adams can really use Michael Jackson as a successful case-study of his career highlights.
Jessie J mouthing the words to 'Come Together'. Fab Macca must be proud. This contestant isn't bad looking. Insert 'come together' joke here. He's got an amp, a guitar. Must be a real musician, then.
Has anyone picked DOD from the Script yet? Ooh, this guy just did. Sucker. DOD can't even name drop Louis Walsh, and he's Irish.
I like Mr Adam's comfy place in hell analogy 'next to a hot rock'. Is these the pearls of wisdom he's guiding Tweedy's career with? Just as good as being on X Factor USA with Simon Cowell, right?
This guy doing Elton John has a good voice. He's super camp. Did Jessie J just say, 'Your lips are mad clean'? What the fuck does THAT mean? She's making me pine for Tulisa's banal commentary. FYI I prefer the blonde, fun blow-jobby Tulisa to the stick-up-her-arse dressed-20-years-too-old-for-her-age Tulisa on X Factor. God, I hope Jessie J doesn't have a sex tape. HUH! Can you imagine a Tom Jones sex tape. Huh... huh... huh.... bluh!
This person called Twinilee is pretty. She looks like a model. Shit, I thought she was good. I'm surprised no one turned for her. That guy who did Train was quite good, too. Ones I like never go through.
Judges really need to work on their gurning. I also don't like the stupid subtitles when they do their chatter and fake button pushing.
I like this last girl's t-shirt. She's doing Jessie J; note the 'huh's! What a horrible song. She has got a good voice, though. Good legs, too. I think she's going to pick Monsieur Adamz. Jessie J's got screw-face. Mind you, it's quite hard to tell the difference from usual. She's got a face like a paving slab.
To be fair: this show wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a car crash, but it was reasonably slick. The hosts seemed like they were hidden in a cupboard and even the disgusting Jones didn't make my skin crawl as much as expected. I'll give it another coupla weeks.
I'm going to try watching BGT but I can't face blogging it. Walliams is a good choice for a judge but it makes me angry that Simon will preside over that old crap but won't drag his man-tits over here for the UK X Factor. He's a lot better at picking singers than grannies with dancing dogs. He's wasted on this show. Come home, Simon. I miss your grinchly ways.
Right, I think that's my word count for the night sorted. Have a good one.

1 comment:

LillianZahra said...

I've not seen the US version but this wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I was slightly disappointed that most of the contestants were young and conventional looking which took away the surprise element of not knowing what they look like and only judging on the voice.
It took me about 20 minutes to realise who Tom Jones was, his face is terrifying.