Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Apprentice: Print knobs

I normally hate it when people tinker with the format of shows, but boy does The Apprentice need a shake up. It's like a recurring dream you can't wake up from. I so badly want Alan Sugar's head to start spinning around or for Nick just start machine gunning them all like in Robocop. Why can't they kill one from the losing team each week? Or at least maim them?
I'm not even going to comment on the stupid stuff they are scripted to say at the start, except to say 'I'm blonde so people underestimate me' is truly pathetic and embarrassing to women as a statement. If people are underestimating you because of a hair colour, that aint your only problem. It's self-hatred.
Obviously the best bit is where they pick the team names. We've come up with the Wildcats and the Renegades. Let's see what shit they sick up.
I think Alan's been on the whiskey: 'if I wanted a friend I'd get a dog', 'I want you to be the Marks to my Spencer' and 'we're not playing Where's Wally'. Has he ever actually watched his own show before? It's less 'Where's Wally' than 'Kill every single last one of them.'
Did someone actually just say 'I'm like Marmite, you'll either love me or you'll hate me.' Just shoot that bitch now, do the planet a favour. JUST SAYING!
There wasn't enough arguing about the team names in my opinion. Is the girls' team name Sterling or Stirling? No matter. No one was keen to be team leader, were they? I think Karren (her spelling) Brady has been taking screwface lessons from that new copper in Coronation Street.
I got distracted for about 15 minutes there because I'm addicted to this new app Draw Some or Draw something, which sounds stupider). Must pay attention to this boring programme that everyone loves and has told me to blog.
Lord Sugar: 'you couldn't get nothing simpler than this'. LEARN TO FUCKING SPEAK.
It makes me laugh when people talk about working 'in the field'. When I worked at Save the Children 'in the field' meant Ethiopia or Haiti or DRC, not going to the fucking zoo.
Bilyana's giving Alan a bit of backchat. She's going to get the finger.
The only way to make using the word 'key' worse into a sentence is to say 'I'm a key member.' You might as well just say I'm an enormous prick.
'I'm not here to win a popularity contest': almost as stupid a thing to say as 'I'm not here to make friends.' I just don't think I can stand the cliches anymore. 'It doesn't take a brain surgeon...' AERJHRJHEFESKJFDSKJDFSKJDFSKJDFKJFKJREUGIITRGI I can't stand it! 'Too long in the tooth!' erhjgfjkerjewkjlefwkjf54jiogtiijorgrkwjag;tes One more cliche and this blog stops HERE!
'I've got a small voice' - it doesn't fucking sound like it, you foghorn.
RESOOOOMAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Oh just stab me now. I can't take it. I can't TAKE IT.
'I was made head girl'. Oh Christ. Did you get a swimming ribbon at school, too? 'Bring out the violin'. I can't watch this again. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I tried and I failed. I tried and I failed, oh Jeane.
Someone went home. I don't care who. I'm sorry. You're on your own with this one, folks. I'm out! See you on Saturday for my annihilation of the UK version Voice. And if you thought cliches make me angry, wait and see what I've got up my sleeve to say about Tom Jones.


Ossian said...

It's like another tour party from Mars arrived. "Let's play the same tricks on them, it will be really funny." And sure enough they all start off with their sickening self-praise. However, it's worth all the horror to see them demolished one-by-one, till near the end an air of reality starts to infiltrate their febrile heads. That was hilarious when the share dealer or whatever she was, insisted that Camden Town was far from the zoo. She just knew, never mind geography, so they went the other way. A microcosm of their whole wrongheaded world.

Anonymous said...

Keep blogging it, ya bugger. It's ace!

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