Sunday, 4 March 2012

The NME awards 2012

Honestly, anyone would think I just watch this awards shows to be antagonistic. Well, I do, but only cos I've not really been watching anything else at the moment, except several episodes of 1000 ways to die, a zillion episodes of Pointless and a fair bit of LA Ink.
I have a feeling this show is going to make me feel really old as I find myself out of touch with indie. But then again, it is a very prescribed and predictable form of indie, sponsored by Shockwaves, no doubt. Mind you, nothing could be as bad as The Brit Awards, not even being shot in the face.
Let us begin. Oh Jack Whitehall is presenting, I actually like him, I think he's quite underrated. Or is it Noel 'tryhard' Fielding?
I thought this Kasabian joke would have ended a lot sooner than it has. Are we that hard up, are we really? I'll file this one under 'lad culture'. It says nothing to me about my life.
I'm not even going to comment on all the peoples sitting round looking like theyr're sucking lemons.
Ah, James Corden's gargoyle just turned up. Guess that's another severed alliance. Noel Gallagher must feel about 100 when he goes to these events.
I hate it when any programme tells you what's 'coming up.' That's what killed TOTP. The only way you could watch it was in the hope of something good coming up, telling you beforehand that it's a bag of shit is cruel. I don't even like reading reviews for films before I see them. I like to come at all things from an angle of pure ignorance. The worst one they do it in is 1000 ways to die and ruin the ending. I want to guess what's going to happen! I have to fast forward those bits quick.
Best solo artist. Miles Kane. Who? Frank Turner. Who? Floreeeenailsdownblackboardeeeeence. Laura Marling zzzz. Florence won. Why doesn't she ever take that machine up on stage with her? I think it's because said 'machine' is a sandwich maker and she's super greedy.
Alexa Chung is one of those 'too busy to eat' cunts. If 'too busy to eat' means sticking your fingers down your throat after you've had a cigarette for your main meal. I've seen cuddlier looking porcupines.
Florence is quite posh isn't she? Doesn't explain why she had that punishing paper round. Perhaps she lived in a haunted mansion and the ghosts kept her up at night. It would explain the outfits, too.
Betst International Band. The Strokes, lol. I always prefered The Vines. Arcade 'only one good song on every album' Fire. Foo Fighters won it, what the fuck? Didn't they win that at the Brits too? The only good thing Dave Grohl has ever done is cut off his 90s hair. After that he should have disappeared in a puff of smoke, like the other one did.
The Horrors. I saw the Horrors supporting Morrissey once, and Faris actually yawned whilst he was singing. Everyone's a critic, arent't they? I can't look at him without thinking 'nose'- it's worse than Alex James and cheese. Then the second thing I think is 'Peaches Geldof.'
Best new band. Wulyf. Foster the people. Nope, me either. The Vaccines are so fucking derivative. They're like a comedy band, like Kings of Leon.
Pulp have won Outstanding Contribution to Music. I really wish they'd left Pulp where they belong, back in the 90s. It feels like they dug up my nans grave, put her in a nice dress and gone, 'this is just as good'. Well, no, it won't do. Also, are we pretending we ever liked This is Hardcore now? That's funny.
Jarvis has lost his ability to edit himself. It's a shame as he used to be a very witty man. I'd have a lot more respect for Pulp if they'd come back with a new album, rather than to pay for little Claude's university fees. Reuinions are total bollocks; I can't wait to see the car crash that will be the Stone Roses later this year. I want my bands to stay together, through thick and thin, long past their sell date. No band that has ever got back together has been a good thing. if The Smiths DID ever get back together (which they won't) it would be fucking shit. You can't recreate magic. It's like someone chasing that feeling from their first E or hit of heroin; that was the moment. It's gone.
Best Album. Everything is so dated. I expected to see loads of new bands, but it just the same old tired shit fron ten years ago. Arctic Monkeys. They were over before their first single came out, so they're really actually outstaying their welcome now. People are yawning, looking out the window and going 'is that the time? I've got work tomorrow.'
This Vaccines crap is just lad music, isn't it? It's the kind of thing that would have been my cue to leave the indie disco many years ago. The women at this award ceremony have all been exhibited like charming but near-extinct creatures then shuffled off again.
Alexa Chung tried to high five Jarvis but he wasn't having it.Not so cool now, hey?
Best British band. Muse, lol. I think their last good song was Newborn and that was around 1985. Kasabian won it. Kasabian dedicated their award to the Monkees and did a cringeworthy singalong. That guy looks like David Brent. Is that what we want in a frontman these days? At least David Brent had one tune. Wow this guy is an enormous prick.
OK so I don't know the show that won best TV show -fresh meat. I am still partly out of touch - phew.
Two girls in the audience looked like they were chewing their faces off. I couldn't think of much worse that doing drugs and having to listen to Florence; in fact weren't they using that as a torture tactic in Guantanemo?
The Macabees. File this under bands with names like The Zutons and The Kooks that should have run their course already. How did illegal downloading not kill these kind of cunts off?
That Hurts band sound alright. Might investigate them further.
Florence won best song. Which one was it? Oh, it was the one that sounds like you just stood on the cat's tail in hobnail boots. Oh, my mistake, it was the one that sounds like the wailing of a woman who's entire family has been wiped out in a car accident. Terrible business.
Godlike genius goes to Noel Gallagher which they already told us at the start - well ruined. The editor of the NME looks like she should be called Angelica. I suppose I should be grateful they've even got a woman editor, but the only woman who's performed on that stage tonight has been Florence. If I was a female editor, I think I might try and highlight a few more female bands/ singers. Oh, I forgot, we're just the window dressing aren't we?
Kasabian on Noel, 'he was back on the road straight after Oasis split, he doesn't have to do it.' No, he doesn't have to. We should clearly all be very grateful.
Someone just said Noel is always looking for 'new ways to evolve.' Perhaps he should try putting them in a few tunes then, rather than this turgid, pedestrian offal he's currently serving up. Honestly, it makes pine for Songbird.
Ugh, Johnny Marr. Have him and Paul Weller been going to the same hairdresser for 30 years now? I liked Noel hamming it up. But then he went and spoilt it all by singing.
Well, it was better than the Brits. But then so is slicing your toe off with the lawnmower. The saddest thing was, I wasn't out of touch, they really are peddling the same dreary guitar bands as ever. There's no music scene to be seen here.
Thank fuck I was a teenager during the 90s. Thank God we had something to believe in.

1 comment:

LillianZahra said...

Haha. I too thought that watching this would make me feel really old and uncool. I think I'd have felt better if it had compared to how it actually turned out.