Friday, 29 January 2010

Celebrity Big Brother 7: The Final (From Booze to Cheese)

I am round my friends house! I have bought my laptop! I am a loser. Apparently Alex is red-hot favourite to win! I can’t believe it.

Davina is sprouting hair! She looks haggard but I think my mate might have HD.

Everyone is talking too loud! My blog is being compromised! I think I might be pushing my luck asking people to shut it.

What is going on after the break? Are the highlights so crap they are showing weird BBLB style campaigning halfway through the show? Odd.

Dinner speeches! My way! This is always good for a cringe. Dane has designer stubble. Alex said ‘specifically’ right! He looked like a ‘pacifically’ man to me!

I think I’m ready for it to be over now. In some ways.

Stephanie’s out! I thought it would be Jonas. Wow, she’s got her old Dynasty gear on I reckon. And the hair! Oh, the glamour. OMG she’s chewing gum! Gross. Not so classy.

We’ve just decided our mate Adam would make a good Big Brother contest and are bullying him to go to the auditions. He would make the best housemate EVER. No comedian could dream him up.

Stephanie had a good sense of humour but was a bit of a bitch. Look at the ring over the gloves. That’s panache.

Her interview seemed quite good. I especially liked the bit where the crowd chanted ‘get Vinnie out!’

Basshunter! Now You’re Gone! Aw Jonas looks quite cute in his braces. There’s a Swedish girl round Adam’s and she’s giving us all the lowdown Basshunter’s murky past.

Jonas looks dreamy! Ooh he’s dissed Kat. Harsh. He’s being extremely cheesy in this interview. It felt scripted. ‘Too late baby!’ was pretty cool though.

The clown-fucking clip was quite funny. Basshunter; disown your management! Run for your life... be happy.

OMG Vinnie’s 3rd! Pure joy! And the best part is that he’s got to sit there eating it for half an hour! EAT IT! Vinnie thinks the news is on! Has he never seen 8 of 10 cats.

Vinnie- there’s your career- wave goodbye. Man of the people. That made me feel genuinely happy in every way. I don’t really mind who wins now. Jordan must be laughing her socks off.

2nd show! There’s like 12 people here now so I’ve had to put the subs on. Everyone thinks I’m a complete tool. I can’t deny it. I love Big Brother!

Wow these subs are crazy, apparently you spell Davina ‘Daveenya!’

What’s Vinnie carrying? His P45? He looks pissed off! I have had several gloating texts! We won!

Vinnie why you got them sunglasses on? It’s night time! I can’t hear what he’s saying, can someone let me know if he made a complete twat out of himself, I’m sure he did.

LOL to the welcome pack. It looked a bit shoddily made.

I have now commandeered the remote control. I can’t tell people to shh in their own home though.

It’s ALEX! He looks shocked. Imagine if you’d put a few quid on Alex at the beginning. You couldn’t have written that ending. Dane looks nervous.

Dane looks quite handsome, but I might be drunk. I’m doing my best here; sorry it’s a real struggle!

I wonder what he thinks about being beaten by Alex. AGAIN! Heh.

Dane’s dressed like a snooker player again. What has Dane achieved? He’s gone from national joke to alright geezer. And I think that’ll probably do him. I couldn’t hear much of the interview! I can imagine it though. He seemed to come across well.

Please fill me in on what I missed. I really have to socialise now. My stock has plummeted here, and it was pretty low from the second I arrived.This is a major arse-ache, I hope you appreciate it.

OMG I heard the ‘have you seen that head?’ bit! Naughty Dane.

Alex: ‘goodbye celebrity brig brother house.’ Well done Alex, you’ve almost learnt how to speak in the house. Next stop: picture books!

Aw he looked cute when he came out. The public loves an underdog!

This vision express advert is heavy on the lady sovereign glasses.

It’s funny because even Daveenya was mean to Alex when he went in. And now she’s got to crawl up his arse. Heh.

Maybe Alex won because he found God!

It’s quite funny that a man that wasn’t allowed to speak about his personal life went on to win. Irony!

Get out of Vinnie’s arse Alex! Oh he mentioned he got booed. Hehe! So much for Vinnie’s fanbase. Alex didn’t even have Jordan as a fan three weeks ago.

Alex talking about himself in the third person is mega! Jordan couldn’t dump him now even if she wanted to.

Jordan: boooooooo! Haha.

Alex, also a big fat orange. He was gracious about Dane, it was nice.

Aw the memories at the end! Another three weeks of my life wasted. I know it’s over.

I don’t think it’s the end for CBB, whatever they say. With twitter, a channel that actually gives a shit, and some new ideas, Big Brother could go on forever. And should.

And finally: Let’s spare a thought for Peter Andre tonight. He must be absolutely seething.

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