Ultimate Big Brother: Not because of that reason

I watched some funny live feed earlier with Victor and Nasty Nick doing their own TV show from the nest, slagging off the other housemates (he said Michelle Bass was a spent force!). Probably won't make the highlights as nothing past midnight does. Victor was giving his verdict on everyone and everything, it was good. They also dipped the sound on a conversation that sounded very much like they were saying George Lamb had snogged Nadia! WTF.
Victor= pervert. Ulrika. Five million people aren't watching this. Makosi needs to give Ulrika some of her curves.
Victor looks like the Sith in that hooded cloak.
Makosi nommed Brian! Competition. I hope EUREKA does go. A coat hanger would have more pizazz.
Chantelle looks funny when she screams! Nikki looks funny when she gets a shock. I'm surprised she's not crying. Nick: 'Nadia doesn't do cooking.'
Looks like the Nikki/ Chantelle feud aint over.
Brian's puke was quite impressive.
Makosi's gloves! Fabulous. What you see is what you get (unfortunately).
Victor does not mince his words, does he! His attitude to almost everything is mind-boggling. But he's the funniest person in that house, by a mile.
Makosi is actually providing some quite good entertainment this year. She's mad as fuck.
Listening to Chantelle and Ulrika clucking about blokes is like listening to Loose Women.
Rimming! Makosi isn't respecting her country is she? It's like jacuzzi-gate all over again. WELL DONE ULRIKA. We could have heard something juicy then, instead we get your turkey neck flapping. It's ironic that someone who is hung out to dry as a floozy is such a fucking prude.
Makosi! Your mother doesn't want to hear about your rim job either!
Victor winding Makosi up was a treat.
Craig! Is he plotting a very dirty plan? He looks emaciated! They aint spending much on the tasks for UBB are they? Recycling those old tasks and putting up a shed? Come on now.
I thought they did quite well. They should let them keep the shed.
That trick was cruel! CRAIG HAS TURNED NASTY.
IS Brian going to win? I'm not so sure. I reckon Chantelle, Nikki or Victor might be in with a chance.
LOL to Nick and Victor slagging Ulrika! Outrageous. So glad Victor went in and brought Nasty Nick's bad side out.
Nadia- Preston's divorce is none of your business.
Double eviction! I hope Ukrika and Makosi go. Don't let me down.

Ultimate Big Brother: Another brother in here and you can't keep your knickers on

Oh Ulrika, button it. If you don't like it, go home because you provide zero entertainment. You're just sour. Blah blah you don't have children so it's different. YOU DID IT BEFORE you know what it's like. STFU.
As IF they are going to send Big Brother winner (by default) ANFONY in. They couldn't get that dull sexist tosser out fast enough. I wish Makosi WAS in political exile. Send Craig from that year in instead.
Preston has clearly written off his girlfriend. Chantelle, you should be happy. No, actually, you shouldn't because Preston treats his girlfriends like crap.
Even Brian is basically admitting the UBB housemates are a bit boring. Well, they're all getting on, you know. It's in no one's interests to really do something outrageous in there, is it? They're just doing their time and collecting the cash. It's still nice to have them, though.
Chantelle: 'Preston must be serious about his girlfriend as he has her name tattooed on him.' Well he MARRIED YOU, idiot. He hasn't got a clue what he wants. Oh Christ, poor Chantelle, closing her eyes on the M25. She should have seen a therapist, not a plastic surgeon. Nadia gave her good advice, but does Nadia take her own advice, I wonder?
I guessed Nadia would quit first too, she was always shit at tasks, especially ones to do with looks.
Nikki's 'big head' is good! Some of them are shit though.
Aw nice to see Michelle and Victor in there now. Oh Michelle told them what Victor said anyway. No bedsit loyalty!
Why is everyone scared of Victor?! He's cuddly! Brian is crawling a bit. I don't think Victor is going to be too bothered to be honest.
Preston faffs about what to wear because he's a pretentious idiot, Makosi. Getting relationship advice off her equals desperate times.
I'm glad Michelle is bitching, at least it's interesting! There's so many plastic breasts in that pool that there's no need for a lifeguard.
Nasty Nick getting the lowdown off Victor of what's been going on on the live feed! Love it. Victor discussing noms and slating Makosi! Pow.
Weird how Victor is chumming up with Nasty Nick when he was slating him for being boring on live feed. LOL to them plotting to oust Brian! Jungle prats.
Victor's diary room entry was good. He saw Nick's loins do WHAT?!
Slickman FTW.

Ultimate Big Brother: Be Aggressive... be-ee aggressive

(oops forgot to post this yesterday... mind you, it was rubbish!)
Oh Coolio, you creep. Why did you leave? I wonder if it will always remain a mystery. I smell a cover-up. Interesting they're showing it at 8pm tonight too; lots of bleeps hide the sense of the argument nicely.
LOL to Victor slagging off Preston's dress sense.
What got Nadia so aerated? Why didn't they show it? Something's amiss. Nadia is SO annoying, though. She really needs to relax.
'A series of incidents...' Hmm. WHAT AREN'T THEY SHOWING US?! Do they think we're idiots? He wasn't on BBLB today either. FISHY. Looks like they kicked him out to me.
Ukrika self-hating blonde. Boo.
Chantelle was the only one who looked the least bit bothered about Coolio going. Nadia was outright smirking.
I like the way Nikki operates when she wants something! We could all learn a lesson from her.
I love what Michelle and Victor are saying in the bedsit, it's the exact same thing that we say at home! Victor's one-liners are sharp!
Nadia's slave! It's the return of St(ale)! I thought we'd seen the back of this boring bastard long ago.
Brian: Can I dance? LOL. Although this show seems quite sedate in some ways I'm really enjoying it.
I think Victor was enjoying 'Womaniser' more than Brian. His slating of Preston is good.
I think Michelle is right: how you are 6 years ago is different. She definitely seems different.
Send Ziggy in! Ziggy was quality.
Hold on, how did Victor make Michelle cry? WTF. How sensitive is she! He's a pussycat! get them in the house and let's get on with fings.

Ultimate Big Brother: Prankster's paradise

Hmm, wouldn't you love to start the day by being perved over by Coolio? So glad he left the house today. Vile man.
URGH and john perving too! Gross. So glad they've both gone, disgusting excuses for men.
I see Makosi is referring to herself in the third person. Brilliant.
I like watching Nikki and Brian together. Those were more innocent times!
Something tells me it doesn't take much to bruise Makosi's ego. Shut up about the VT. A single bed cannot contain that ego. GIVE MAKOSI HER PHONE, you selfish arseholes. And a new wardrobe.
John's silent schtick is BORING. Chantelle has got poor taste in men.
Preston doesn't know how to spell his own name! Even Chantelle can spell it.
Nadia laughing at Nikki's strop. I think I'd laugh, too.
Too many egos in that house. Ulrika is starting to look normal.
Preston took her engagement ring back! He'd have to have sawed that bugger off my hand. He's got a fucking cheek.
Brian shouldn't put ideas in Chantelle's head like that. It's cruel.
I can't believe I forgot to comment on John's last last night. Nice of him and Coolio to coordinate outfits. Bristols, I'm coming to get you. Heh.
SO glad I don't have to listen to Coolio's bullshit anymore! He didn't deserve to be in there. He's a useless person,and a rubbish character. I'm betting he said something transphobic to Nadia.
Chantelle's dress sense is really weird now. She looks like a middle-aged housewife in Greece tonight.
Bye John. What a strange man he is. Bad childhood, I guess.
I like seeing Nadia getting riled, but Coolio is abhorrent.
Ahhhh SO good to have Victor back. He was really good on the live feed last night. He was saying he's still friends with Jason! Bananas.
I like the decor in the bedsit.
I don't mind Michelle either, she seems a lot better than she used to be.
Victor is a much better villain than Coolio because he's funny and likeable.
Is Ulrika crying over Mr Snuggles? Get a grip, love. Got something you want to tell us?

Ultimate Big Brother: Guess who's back?

BETTER NEVER THAN LATE! It's 2.42am. I won't do a tired cry. VICTOR IS GOING IN! Whoop! And Michelle Bass. No naked Jacuzziness.
NB. You could park a bike between Chanelle's boobs. I don't like John's pink baseball cap.
JOHN'S ON STRIKE. It's diet coke-gate again. Can you imagine living with this cunt?
So glad Josie left. Nothing is worth that mental stress.
NOMS. Weird to have nominations and evictions on the same night. PAUL MCKENNA GATE. What is Makosi wearing? Paul McKenna has cost her dear.
Why has Brian got that anorak on?
See Ulrika smirking when Josie bolted! GO JOSIE. I hope you enjoys those pincers.
Darren! Was he that camp in series 1? I feel like he was. They should have brought Craig in for this 'plotting a dirty plan' stuff.
2nd show. Sorry my blog is lacklustre. I'm drunk but on the way down.
Josie smelt crab in the garden!
Seems WAY too early for an eviction. Shame John went. He's better than Coolio although not by much. Get Coolio out next.
Oh well, at least he shook Makosi's faith in God. That's something at least.
Wow, 50.6% of the vote! That's close.
Yeah, bye John, whatevs.
Victor! The slick man. I remember him for making girls cry and weilding a knife! Oh and for having the sniffles after his cold showers. Isn't he an investment banker now? Glad to see Victor in there. Is he only 29? He seems like a relic. But he looks the same!
BASS. Bring Stu in for a task. I liked Stu. Not right the way they kicked him out the diary room door. He didn't deserve that. I DON'T FORGET.
Where's her Geordie accent gone? No love lost between her and Victor, I see.
Reviving the bedsit is a good idea. Victor is doing the doof doofs! Is the smoke alarm going off? It looks like Dot Cotton's house.
I like the 'other' diary room. Nikki would be the funniest to play a trick on. OMG Nikki is going to FREAK.
Nikki: 'it's Rex!' Yeah, all gingers are Rex. Where is Rex?!
Victor FTW. Recognise.

Ultimate Big Brother: The triumph of the heart

So Josie hit the road. And who can blame her? I honestly think it's mental torture to get someone out for 15 minutes and then shove them back in again with no one they know. And then calling it a PRIZE? Start the show on Friday when she'd got her head together. But no. They have to do it all in five minutes and fuck it up as usual. I would have run screaming for the hills immediately. The winner shouldn't have to walk. It's not right. I'd take crab eyes over it a million times over. I hope she enjoys her night with him, or month with him or whatever she gets. She's not stupid; she knows it's not forever. For all the people saying she's let the nation down, she hasn't. It's all Big Brother's fault. She's done herself a big favour. I am hoping to see her and crabby on the front of a magazine soon. She deserves her press, her BBLB and her BBBM. I saw her on BBLB today and you could tell George had a soft spot for her. Weirdly I am starting to like George Lamb in the past few days. How did THAT happen? He seems like he actually watches the show these days, which helps.
The one good thing about Josie going is we don't have to hear endless picking over BB11 all the time now, which was dull enough the first time round. NO MORE CRAB EYES! It feels like starting afresh.
Nadia is being a cunt! Does she not get how fragile Josie must be feeling? Nadia is either needlessly cruel or a fucking idiot. And the 'or' is generous.
NICK. Please say 'if you live by the sword, you die by the sword'. SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT!
Imagine if you were Preston's girlfriend listening to them two reminiscing about who used to cook- fucking hell! I'd slit my wrists now and save myself the agony.
Coolio makes me feel PHYSICALLY SICK. He's got bunches today. Novel way to cover up a bald patch, though. Ooh, Makosi just called it.
How long before Makosi brings out her real personality? She's got the prison jumpsuit on, anyway.
Nikki has got OCD and then some.
Preston's girlfriend's out of the country! Convenient. God he was 23 when he got divorced! Shocking. Brian is giving him a good grilling.
Ulrika: 'the end of any marriage is sad.' You should know. Nosy fuckers aint they.
OMG what's up Nadia's arse? She is being a complete arsehole.
John is giving the speech NO ONE DARED GIVE TO DAVE! Hallelujah! That was amazing. Wouldn't it be brilliant if John McCrazy won it! Makosi looks livid! She had no comeback.
Ah, here comes Makosi! 'I'm so bored'. LOL. Her whole religious upbringing destroyed in a single speech. You're not in UBB because of the jacuzzi, you're in it because you're a PSYCHO.
Oh Kat. Please drop fucking dead. OMG GRACE. Please drop dead too. Please.
John. Please put your shirt on. Lisa. Please drop dead.
What happened to the glittering TV career Coolio was going to set up for Terry Christian in LA?
EW to John getting a quick screw on the side. Gross.
So nasty when they all rounded on Josie about John James. I hope John failed his task for that. I wish someone would stick up for her.
Oh God, then he made Chantelle cry! Fucking hell. John: 'I'll apologise if I have to'. Kind!
Mind you, didn't Chantelle bring it up in the first place? Also, what is she wearing? She looks like Michelle Obama. I miss her New Look look.
Why on earth did Chantelle sign herself up for this? It's like signing up to get kicked in the face!
Yeah John was so nice to people he made two girls cry!
Oh god, Coolio talks transgender issues. Brace yourself.
Nasty Nick counselling Josie by calling John James 'a small scar'. I could see Ulrika and Nasty Nick having it off.
WTF is John's problem? He's too much, he really is.
Oh God, poor Chantelle. Run, follow Josie out the door. This path can only lead to pain. That diary room entry was heartbreaking.
Oh God, now tears from Josie! This is the saddest BB ever. Josie put her finger on it when she said 'they all know more about me and John James than I do.' That's the killer isn't it? I'd go mad if people came in there telling me what to feel.
WTF is that hammock about? Who brought that fucker in?
At the end of this show, I wanted it to be longer. I haven't felt like that FOR THE WHOLE OF BB11! UBB FTW.

Ultimate Big Brother: The fire still burns!

Just piled through a bit of evil feed and this is what happened last night. Preston said he didn't like the shiny bed covers. Nikki banged her head. Ulrika told Josie her life story. John McDisgusting drank 2 cans of diet coke and ate some cheese at about 3.30am. No wonder he can't sleep! The at 4am Nadia got up and ate what looked like a pastry. Oh, no I think it was toast.
What must Preston and Chantelle's parents think seeing them together again? They must have all been through the mill a bit; divorce isn't easy even if the marriage lasted five minutes. If I was Preston's girlfriend I'd be worried. There's definitely something between them, I'm just not sure what. Intriguing!
Nadia: what the fuck is she wearing? About Makosi. Heh.
Uncoolio (or fast forward the live feed). John M giving Nikki a warning! LOL. Don't stand next to Nikki, Josie. I wouldn't. Even Chantelle looks like a giant by comparison.
I'm disappointed Big Brother isn't referring to Nick as 'Nasty Nick' over the tannoy.
Ooh Crab Eyes hate is starting! Nadia is being too harsh, give Josie a break. She doesn't need to hear that right now. That was needlessly blunt.
Ulrika mentioning Chris Rea. Is that the most modern artist she could think of?
Josie is smoking real fags at last! Did she get 'em out of her hundred K?
Nikki's face is a joy to watch, it's entertainment in itself!
Josie's head must be SPINNING! Can you imagine how overwhelming it is to be in that situation?
Nikki and John talk politics! It's like Question Time. I like Nikki's hair. She's just a one off.
Coolio is a sex pest. I hope he gets thrown out.
John McDietCoke is so revolting, but he is funny sometimes, which is annoying as he's so vile. Him in his pants is enough to make my vagina curl up and cover it's eyes.
Tree! I saw John on live feed being nice to Preston and I thought it was odd. Now I know why!
Chantelle is a sad figure with her 'all men cheat' mantra. It's not men, it's the way you've set your personality up to feel worthless, I'm afraid. You could have had it all before the boob job and the Jordan-over. Coolio is putting the moves on her! Why is she even sitting in there with him (in the owl's house)?
Nasty Nick better be plotting a devious plan to shake this shit up!
Chantelle: 'remember when you threw my book in the bath?' What sort of tyranny was she living under with Preston?! The animal!!!
Chantelle: 'is a misogynist the same as a feminist?' Not so much. Chantelle: 'he's got a girlfriend'. He had a girlfriend last time!!! Sounds like she's still interested to me. PS: It's not still your wedding anniversary once you've split up!
Josie has been on good form in tonight's show. I think she's been funny. It is a prison sentence for her!
Is Coolio having his own 'pow pow pow' moment?
LOL to John wearing a nappy. He's not going toilet, he's going to stuff his face and guzzle Diet Coke. Josie's claws are out!
There was a buzz about the show tonight. Looking forward to seeing Makosi's crisis of confidence tomorrow!

Big Brother 11: The Final/ Ultimate Big Brother

So I'm watching the start of this alone because my boyfriend is working and is not the slightest bit interested in watching JJ and Andrew get interviewed. I'm more of a purist, but will have to pause for him after an hour.
So who else thinks it's a mistake that they are doing the final and starting UBB on the same night? I mean, obviously the whole fucking show is mistake after mistake, but this seems a particularly duff one, especially considering Josie is going to be Prom Queen. I mean, she's barely going to get to see her mum, let alone 'smooth John James over'. I also think this show should be split into two shows, to make the distinction more apparent.
As for the UBB line up, I've heard it's shit. Saw Brian Belo on Studio 5 saying he's not going in but I think it's flim flam as he's been protesting too much. I mean he'd do it, and people love him. It makes no sense. Plus he said something about celebs being in 'hiding'- I don't think they've bothered with that shit for time.
What I'm hoping is, all the stuff about Ashleeeeeen etc not going in is bullshit to throw us off the scent. That's what I'm HOPING. (My only mistake is I'm hoping...) as Morrissey once said.
Weird they're not stringing out the voting lines either. They've really shit on this show this year. Normally you can change the result by voting late, ie. if you vote on the final two.
Boring just waiting for Josie to win. I've just voted for Mario. Do we have to hear about Dave and his boring daughter again?
WTF Dave has been dating his daughter? Oh God, I've heard it all now. 'I am not a watermelon'. Well done, she's going to get bullied at school even more than she was already.
Why DID John James come into the house with a photo of himself?
Josie negotiating a watermelon! LOL.
I used to like the old BB finals when there was about three of them in there knocking round like ghouls.
Andrew's face about Josie's speech. Oh, bless him.
Oh God, Don't Stop Believing! I was hearing that in bed last night, praying for deafness.
LOL to JJ's dancing! What a prick! I love the way Josie doesn't give a shit. She really embraces life and is so kind to everyone.
The did heart hands! My friend makes people do those.
Ex housemates! OMG Ben looks so cool in that red coat. Ben FTW. Oh. The less said about Ife's singing career the better. Shabby and Keever looked like a couple. Keever's hair looked good red.
Love the fact Ben and Sam were the only housemates who came out on his own.
Ugh Nathan. Like Rachael's red lipstick.
I like the fact John James picked up that girl's bra she threw at him!
Aw Dermot. We didn't know how good we had it. And even then it was shit.
OK, here we go, 5th place. Is that Dave's best shirt? Aw Andrew. It should have been JJ. I like Andrew's cardie. He looks so happy! You can't wipe that smile off his face.
Andrew's best bits were good. I like Andrew. He's just dull. The watermelon was the lols though. Did you have sexual relations with that watermelon?
Giant John James looming over Andrew whilst he talks. Scary. Andrew: 'I'm 100% geek.'
4th. It's gotta be JJ right? Ah it is. Good.
OMG JJ going out with sunglasses on. What a prize cunt. Behold his tartan waistcoat. What a ginormous cock. He looks like he's ram-raided Topman.
JJ: 'there's so many things that I did'. No, you did fuck all. You're no dark horse. You're a fucking DONKEY.
He's so boring looking he turns my stomach, it's like someone's painted a face on a rotting egg.
Get your tongue out of John James's rectum, you turkey. The public hate him, and they can barely be bothered to raise their eyes to the screen for your insipid bullshit.
When Corin was saying he was 'fit' I think she met 'thick'.
And now I'm going to pause it and wait for my boyfriend so bye Digital Spy and Twitter. I guess whos' second and who's third is the only shock really, so I'm going to wait and share it!
OK I'm back! OMG how did Dave beat Mario. OMG Mario's COAT. What is he thinking? It looks like he's had a horticultural mishap. I've never seen Mario look more gay. if his family didn't get the message by now, here's the living sign.
Dave getting to the final two reminds me of when that orange wanker Jungle Cat Jason was in the final two. Just wrong, wrong, wrong. I will never understand either decision as long as I live.
Mario's teeth look ENORMOUS tonight, like he's battling with Davina. Mario wins.
Mario seems nervous! The mole done good. He definitely slumped badly for 80% of the show though.
Mario's clips: yes, you're a creep. Davina did not ask him ONE QUESTION about being the mole. Jesus that was Mario's one storyline. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!
Oh god, the thought of Dave coming out going on about the glory and being smug is just horrific.
I like the big screen behind them, it's good to see the reactions.
Whatan anti-climactic ending. Josie didn't look very shocked to win. I love seeing the shocked faces the best. Except Dave's shocked face. She seemed completely non-plussed! Shocking.
ARGH I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO GET BOOED FOR TWO MONTHS. This is cruel. Why are they cheering him? It's like a knife through my heart.
I want to see Josie in the house on her own on the big screen now. I like that moment. Deprived again!
I'm surprised Dave aint wearing his green t-shirt on, he's got his finest TK Maxx on instead.
Well done loonies, you have given us a homphobic, sexist, werewolf-loving, dinosaur-denying fat Welsh bible-bashing TWAT for a runner up. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
Look at Dave before and after! Before: a cunt! After: a cunt!
The reason Josie got 77% of the vote is because YOU CLOSED THE PHONE LINES after ten minutes.
Josie needs a stylist, quick! Spend that 100K on new dresses! Why is she snuffling up those steps. I like the fact she came out holding a paper bag! Class.
Ah, look how HAPPY John James looks! I think I saw a tear in that crab eye! NOT! HE LOOKED MISERABLE AS SIN! Keever had a face like thunder, too.
Aw Josie's gonna pay for Steve's leg! Lush.
First in, last out. I've seen it so many times. Good on her, you know. I like her. I just feel non-plussed by the whole charade.
Ah, show wrap-up. Sob. NEXT!
Ok let's see who they've got lined up for us. Josie's first back in! That wasn't much of a break. She probably wants to go out and have a party. Did she even get to see her mum! Fuck me. She's straight into the booze.
Ok, who's in? Oh god, Chantelle. I miss her blonde hair and green eyeshadow and orange lipstick. She looks really weird now, like a dowdy old housewife with her bun and gigantic boobs. I hope I can grow to like her again. Ooh, she looks blonder. I think she'll get on with Josie.
Preston! Are they going to get back together? Twice in a lifetime opportunity! Does Preston need this? Is he going to start telling her what to wear again? He's got MOZ HAIR complete with receeding hairline. Where's Galloway?
Preston to Chantelle: 'do you come here often?' Chantelle: 'you look so much shorter'. How weird to go somewhere where you met and fell in love with your ex wife! Chantelle looked freaked out.
I could live without Nadia to be honest. She was only good because of her secret; she doesn't have a secret now. Nadia's dress isn't very flattering! She looks fat, bless her.
Nadia; 'welcome to the family.' That was nice. This is making me feel sick with nerves!
Brain Dowling! He's also fat. But I like him. Not sure he's got the Jim Davidson vote. LOL Nasty Nick said he looked like Eammon Holmes! Good insult.
OMG! ULRIKA! It's like Dave already again! Can't we get rid of that money grabbing bitch? She offered NOTHING to that show. How she won was completely beyond me. I used to like her before she was in Big Brother. This is the first bad person in there. Her hair looks nice though.
Oh god, and from the shit to the offensive. I can't fucking STAND MAKOSI. I don't ever want to see that person again. EVER! PS: revolting dress. I foresee fights with Preston.
John McCruick helpfully just spelt out his name for me. I can't stand him either, obviously. DIET COKE. Don't collude with that Booby business, Davina. Honestly, I feel sick. What trousers has he got on?
Can we have someone good again now? Please? COOLIO! Are you kidding me? HE WAS USELESS.
Where the fuck is Ashleeeeen, Rex, Victor, Brian Belo, Samanda, Marcus, Freddie, Pete.. I could go on. At least
Nikki! Thank fuck. At least she's a real housemate. I like Nikki, she's funny. Her sister came to my writing group once and spoke just like her, and I peeked at the register and it was N. Grahame. LOL.
God, look how small she is, she's like a doll. Bring on the strops.
Nasty nick! How many times have you seen that Nasty Nick clip? I think I've seen it 45875485749387 times. What is Nasty Nick wearing? I hope everyone addresses him as Nasty Nick in the house. Me and my friend Nic used to have a Nasty Nick SHRINE! Oh those were the days. Was that 11 years ago? Yikes.
My boyfriend is saying the line up could have been worse, but how? I'd have rather seen Michelle Bass than Coolio and you can bet your life she'd have been cheaper.
They never have known what the public want. Shame.
PS. Just flicked onto BBBM. At least they didn't put Dane Bowers in.

Big Brother 11: You're all arseholes

Saw John James on BBLB earlier and he told Geroge Lamb he loved himself! LOLs. Anyhoo, enough of crab eyes.
Hard to believe it's final eve! I heard Ashleeeeeeen aint going in all stars. Booage. They're gonna fuck up this UBB too, aren't they?
Josie is easily pleased! If Anthea (sorry, Andrea) Turner turned up in my bedroom I'd be horrified.
Why are Andrew and Mario still sharing a bed, there's loads of beds now!
waxing, waxing and more waxing... didn't we do this yesterday? That beauty therapist seems quite sadistic.
Andrew looks orange. He wants to see Carol Vorderman, bless. This second section seems like live feed, not highlights.
JJ muttered something about evolution but couldn't quite finish the sentence. I didn't realise Dave believed in Adam and Eve and all that bollocks. Disturbing.
'I'm Andrew, pleased to meet you.' Aw he's so cute. Lee Stafford gets on my wick.
He can't even be arsed to colour it, he's got his minion to to do it.
I like Andrew's side parting!
Josie, don't get botox under your eyes. Mario's quiff looks ace.
JJ is a blank canvas: ie. a boring bastard. EVEN HIS HAIR LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME.
Aw to Andrew 'do you think John James would mind' when Josie complimented him.
Lee Stafford's standard hairdo is just to make everyone look like a hedgehog.
Andrew has fucked an apple pie too! And a trifle! How many different food stuffs has the boy fucked?!
Josie is breaking the 'don't have your skin colour darker than your hair colour' rule! Aw, she looks like a beach babe.
Happy happy house! Oh. Don't throw that water around like a nutjob.
Wow, Simon Webb from Blue! I'd rather
So much for no contact with the outside world, there've been more people in that Big Brother house this year than in
Why HAS Simon Webb come as Lionel Ritchie and why has he brought he takeaway coffee in with him?
Josie: 'I played the guitar when I was younger.' Guitarist: what made you give it up? 'I was shit.'
Aw to Josie saying it was the best day of her life, how cute! I've said 'aw' about a million times tonight. That's what they want, though.
That glow Josie's got? It's fake tan.

Big Brother 11: Do you like a finger up the bum?

Dave having an early morning backstab at John James!
Mario, the only person who wants to see you naked (again) is YOU! Form alpha to omega indeed.
Doesn't Andrew generally just say yes to anything anyway? LOL to the tree bringing Mario into it.
Just what you don't want at breakfast- Mario waving his willy around! I quite like his body type and he must have a big one. Why don't WE get to see it?! Serious exhibitionist! No doubt Dave was mortally offended- oh no, he only hates women getting naked.
Mario is borderline sex pest, let's be honest. He's just using this task to humiliate Andrew!
LOL to Josie saying 'do you like a finger up the bum'! Of all the things to ask him! I feel sorry for Andrew now- he's working hard for this task.
Andrew: '15 minutes- I should be so lucky'. Heh.
They are cruel making him say he fancies Mario! What if his parents just tuned in at that moment?! Mario is going to make Andrew give him a handjob later.
Big Brother was actually lighthearted and quite funny tonight. Makes me wonder what we were missing all this time.
Tree to JJ: 'what's your name again?' And he called him JJ2. Nice.
The leg wax was a step too far. I tried to wax my legs once, and my leg bled and I cried. NEVER AGAIN. I had to try and wash the other strip off because I didn't have the balls to pull it.
Tree to Dave: 'you still here?' Sweet. T-shirt watch: Dave is still wearing the green T-shirt. Do you think he's febreezing it? Lovely!
I wish they'd made JJ be the sucker in that task instead of Andrew.
Biscuit noms: Rich teas are rubbish. But what biscuits have icing on? Party rings, maybe?
Josie: 'no one's ever loved me before'. Aw.
LOL to John and Sam Pepper shouting over the wall. I saw crab eyes on BBLB today and he said 'fuck'. That scamp.
NB. No perfect day starts with Anthea Turner.
My boyfriend just found the naked pics of Mario. He does appear to have a normal sized penis but bollocks like a bag of oranges. Enjoy!

Big Brother 11: I got so nervous I pissed myself

Friday morning. I bet Corin didn't really think she was leaving that night. Even I can't believe it the car crash that occured. It feels like the heart has been ripped out of the show.
It doesn't seem worth calling John a hypocrite for the magazine talk. It doesn't seem worth getting excited about Sam's hijinks.
That flat-capped cunt JJ is saying what John James said to Rachael word for word. Oh the morality! Dipshit. He was right people will call him a wanker, though. So, so depressing that JJ is still in there. Even Steve deserves it more than that.
JJ was definitely being more frosty to John James and Josie in this show. Too late to extricate yourself from that now.
Aw to Crab Eyes crying in the shower. He is a shell of a man!
It feels we were really cheated out of seeing who would fare best out of Sam, Corin and John James in the final. it just ended up as nil/nil. I feel like we've been totally fucked as viewers. Mind you, we have always been treated with contempt. I think Big Brother could have been the biggest show in the world if they'd poured money into it, invested in the split screen, not tinkered with the nominations etc. I really believe that. It could probably have run all year long and had it's own channel. People like the live feed and they like the comfort of knowing it's there, and where those people are daily. It's just a simple thing.
John James: 'I'll be remembered as an argumentative, opinionated prick.' Well, he's not wrong.
It's not fair for John James to tell Josie he might not still be in the country when she gets out. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if he would be there.
Here we go again; stick a knife through my heart for a second time! Steve was happy to go. Andrew looked shell shocked!
So weird to see Corin go, and I still don't know why. I just thought she was a dead cert to be in until the end.
Why is Josie telling the whole house she pissed herself? Is this our winner?!
Oh, Sam. John James: 'see you in a minute.' I wish Sam had the pass for the final, at least it would make the next three days better.
Dave: 'I am a goner.' If only. I saw a post on Digital Spy that said 'there is no god'.
Sam going 'John James I love you' was classic.
That was hard to see that again. Feel sorry for Josie. JJ; 'I'll look after her for you.' What a saint.
Just leave her alone ffs JJ. She probably wants to be alone.
I can actually feel rage soaring through me watching this. Is there one person who thought this was a good idea?
Mario 'I thought you said you were going to leave?' Josie: 'you wish'. TRUE!
Please don't show me Dave in the diary room right now. I don't think I can take it.
Dave sticking it to JJ. Good. Looking at him so happy makes me sick.
Aw to the Andrew/Josie love-in. I think Josie is a good person to have around. She's very warm. I just don't like the fact she's such an obvious winner. LOL to 'Mario's been trying to smooth you over'.
John james loves Josie has been carved in the bench for weeks! Don't tell me that's the first time she's seen it. Aw, feel sorry for Josie. Must be hard losing John. As much of a tool as he was, he was important to her.
I don't think Josie wants to be in there another two weeks, do you? I think she'd rather go eat some crab. And given the choice between John James and sharing a room with Nasty Nick and Chantelle, I might choose the same.

The X Factor: Your dream, our nightmare

Nice of Big Brother to implode just as X Factor started, wasn't it? Great timing. I have to say, I'm not very excited about X Factor. It all seems very tired.
Oh are they still doing the auditions in front of the audience? Zzz.
Nicole Scherzinger is a big name in music only in the amount of letters she's got in it. I've never even heard of her.
I want to see something I haven't see before too,Simon. But I don't think I will.
UGH Geri Halliwell. Does she have one appealing personality trait? She doesn't even have any talent. I do like her haircut, though so it's not all bad.
This first act is just making me think of Britain's Got Talent. And I can't stand BGT.
You know how Dermot is always saying X Factor is the biggest show on TV? I always feel like he's trying to convince himself.
The black girl with the flower in her hair was good, but not as good as she thought she was.
The only thing the People's Princess Cheryl ever says is 'you're a lovely little this' or that. It's OLD. Her hair looks like it weighs more than her these days.
Cheryl and Simon laughing at Geri. LOL she said 'girl power'. Dear me.
G&S need to go on the straight and narrow. Aw it was sweet when he championed her. I liked her voice!
Please let me never hear that Don't Stop Believing song ever again. And I've only heard it twice.
I liked Jamh! They were a right motley crew. They were gloriously bad. I kinda liked Madonna girl even though she was annoying.
Release us! Indeed. I don't think I'll be blogging this again for a very long time.

Big Brother 11: Time you fucked off out of this house

This is it, kiddywinks, tonight's the night! Let's face it, the show is dead whatever happens from here. Just crammed in a bit of live feed and Josie was running out of patience BIG TIME with John James. He was going on and on about Big Brother humiliating him and taking precisely zero responsibility for his own actions. He also said he would not go on Big Mouth to have the piss ripped out of him! And he means what he says. Dave and Sam trashed the house! Did that not even make the highlights? It was funny! Sam got a water balloon right in the mush too.
John James is still in the house, I see! Oh my god, he's such a giant SCROTUM. They shouldn't be passing on a message from Nathan to him anyway.
The fact that Big Brother is basically throwing the rulebook (tm. Vinnie Jones) out the window to let John James have a little chat with Nathan.
JOSIE. CORRECT. She deserves to win for that comment alone ('you should be apologising to Rachael') Why does he want to speak to Nathan anyway? What century is this? Is Nathan Rachael's dad? He's like a caveman dragging her along by the hair.
I literally can't believe what I'm seeing in the diary room. What's next in Big Brother? Conjugal visits? Email? WHY IS THIS LITTLE PRICK GETTING SPECIAL TREATMENT! The shark has been flown into space with John James's name tattooed on it's ARSE!
If I was in that house I would be LIVID he just got that phonecall. He treats Big Brother like his very own bitch, and he's right to. It's like he's in My Super Sweet 16 not Big Brother. 'Oh I got a party! Oh I got a car! OH I GOT A FLAT!' FUCK OFF JOHN JAMES.
Steve's task! Bovvered. I wish 'Titan' would tear John James's head off. OMG Andrew Stone. No thanks. Is this the best they can do? Bring on the evictions.
Who's this dude in the task room? Oh, it's Jesus. Aw, Andrew's all red singing. I fast forwarded most of that.
BOB RIGHTER IS A RAPIST!
John James: has a 'guyliner' instead of a soul. It's a fair swap.
Sad for Josie a bit tonight. I think she really does love him, the good part of him. I think he loves her a bit in his own way.
Josie doesn't drink champagne? You're in the BB house, drink EVERYTHING you can get your hands on.
HERE WE GO. Is he going to refuse to be interviewed? Is he FUCK!
Aww Andrew. But it's not because anyone actually likes him. LOL to Steve being evicted. It's the first chance we've had to get that boring bastard out. That was funny they didn't hear what Davina said. I think Steve thought he was safe.
OUR HERO. Now fuck off. He's got his own special door! STEVE'S BEST BITS! Oh, they're finished.
This interview is going to suck shit. 'It is what it is!' Profound.
Steve: 'I am a flirt.' And that was the end of the Keeley inquisition!
Dave seemed quite cheerful in his interview. Very happy to be out, I think.
I want to call in and talk to John James! I want to see that guyliner run.
What is Keeley's agenda? Bugger off.
Ooh I've nearly caught up now. Hurrah.
I don't want celebrities in the ultimate big brother! I want just the civillians.
Dave is wearing the t-shirt! I'm so pleased Mario is through. He deserves it.
OMG CORIN is out! That means either John James or Sam is safe! WTF!!!!
I can't fucking believe Corin has gone. We're loving it, loving it, loving it!
John James outlasted Corin! What is going on? Just as I started to like her. Did she have her wig on?
Anything could happen now.
Forshaw is one cool surname. I feel for Corin, she had a hard time this week. I hate the thought of John James thinking he outdid her.
Corin's interview- dull. Ask about the girlfriend.
Corin didn't look that embarrassed about JJ-gate. I don't think she'll be going back to her girlfriend, do you?
OH NO, Sam is out! Please don't tell me Dave is safe. It's either Dave or John James next! Did John James's fans get Corin out? Surely Dave can't have beat
Is Sam coming out as Super Mario? LOL. Aw thought Sam was going to make it then. And instead we've got DAVE OR CRAB EYES. WELL DONE YOU FUCKERS.
Sad Sam's gone! What a gigantic fuck up this is. What a monumental shit-storm.
Does Dave have like a million people in his religious cult?
Is she not going to make him take that moustache off? Oh, Sam. You could have been good in all-stars.
After EVERYTHING I've said about Crab Eyes this week, Dave should walk out that door over him. Crab Eyes has given me all kinds of entertainment.
Sam to Dave: 'time you fucked off out of this house.' That is some good shit.
Sam wants Andrew to win? WTF? Life has gone mental tonight.
OMG did that really just happen? Dave in the final? This is the worst Big Brother final EVER. WHY DIDN'T YOU DO A VOTE TO SAVE YOU FUCKING CUNTS?
Really felt for Josie then. How many fans does Dave have? Could he win this fucking thing? Imagine that bastard in all stars?
Mardy bum! LOL.
John James, you appear to be doing your interview. My boyfriend just said he'll be doing Nuts next week.
'The worst housemates in history' was about right. 'An absolute privilege to be here'. You didn't show it!
Crab eyes is twiddling his hair. Aw he didn't deserve to be there! He's playing Davina like he plays Josie!
I've never seen such a fake smile on a housemate as John James. He couldn't give a r.i.p.
Mario: 'a bee in his bonnet'. LOL. That's a good way of describing it.
John James isn't a stupid man. I think deep down he knows he's not going about things the right way.
OMG they are playing that song they played at Kylie and Jason's wedding! I used to have that song! Sob.
Their love is real! REAL! (I bet Josie is slagging him off RIGHT NOW).
OMG IS HE BACKTRACKING ON THE MAGAZINE DEAL NOW??? Oh crab eyes, you're such a hypocrite. He's going to be on the front of Angler's Monthly, that's about it.
Who wins? You decide. Out of this useless fucking bunch that everyone hates.
I think I'm going to vote for Mario. I just feel an affinity towards him lately.
PS. DAVE. IS. STILL. IN. THERE. What have you done?

Big Brother 11: 'I'm 24 years old... just tell me where my mum is'

Someone's ruined Sam's shoes. They cost FORTY quid. Who did it? Why didn't they show us? Who cares?
They are arguing from the second they wake up. Urgh I think I just saw Dave's knob.
The only problem JJ has with Corin is that she DIDN'T nominate his friend. Makes perfect sense. Why is this no-mark still in the house?
Sam's in cunt mode today. I thought Josie was one of his best friends in the house! Tuesday can't come soon enough. It all leaves a very bad taste in the mouth.
The housemates aren't acting very unpredictably. I could predict this bullshit out of my arse.
OMG are they really saying Corin and Josie are 'ganging' up on poor ickle 'I'm going to give you a night of hell' Sammy?
Stop telling Josie what to do, John! Prick!
Why DOES John James keep defending Sam, especially after showergate the other night! Weird. I think he sees him as cut from the same cloth. Yeah that would be the arsehole cloth.
Josie: 'why would I want to be with someone who treats a woman like that?' YES! The penny drops.
Why is ANDREW standing up for John James now?! Is it opposite day? I know it's supposed to be, but they've forgotten about that.
Oh Ben. You can't come soon enough. Why are they filming John James and Josie so close up? I don't want to see either of them that close.
Temporary diary room! LOL. Mario looks kinda cute today. I liked it when he minced through the garden. Aw, I like Mario again now he's the mole.
AW proper heartwarmer! Love Ben and Mario. Lush!
'Hello crab eyes!' Ace. Ben's hair looks amazing. He is a wondrous creature. He's a proper BB dreamboat! John having to eat that crab eyes cake was amazing. he's doing his wolf smile again.
John James is shitting himself now. And rightly so. Acting like he's doing Rachael a favour by letting her back in the house. He didn't even cuddle her- that was a frosty reception. I hope she breaks his back.
John James asking her if she did Nuts! Arsehole. Rachael's boobs look good. John James 'you're difficult!' Bastard!
Rachael should stamp on that cunt. Scratch him!
OMG he was so vile to her! That was unbelievable. 'Pay for sex?' Where did that come from? I can't wait for that wanker to get booed to fuck. She brings out his real personality, the real crab eyes. I'm glad Rachael didn't tell him she's going out with Nathan. She showed remarkable restraint. Ben's sly aside was fantastic.
Nathan is so vile. Why is Rachael even going out with him, he's gross. Nathan must be FUMING! I love it.
Why are they making Corin wear that binbag! Cruel. I liked the conversation she had with Nathan where she could finally be honest about her feelings about John James. I can't stand Nathan but she needed that. I felt for her then.
Yeah of course, John James knew about Nathan and Rachael. BOLLOCKS. Out comes the smile.
John James is worried! I love seeing him panicking under the surface. Corin finally stands up to him. I'm so glad she got that extra bit of power behind her. Take him down! I hope she jumps for joy when he scuttles out tomorrow.
Cue diary room and I want to leave. I mean LOL has never been more appropriate. John James has got exactly what he deserves.
I like the fact Corin is wearing the binbag still. John James: a right kipper! I hope Josie stays true to her word. He does hate women. He really does, and I can't even work out why.
Even JJ has written John off with the two days comment. 'I think I'm gonna leave right now... before I fall any deeper.'
John James doesn't feel safe! Aw diddums. I actually agree with him that it is a bit annihilating to bring people in with outside knowledge and fuck with him, but he built that castle of cuntery himself.
SEE YOU LATER JOHN. Take your emotional blackmail back to your mummy where she can tell you they're all just jealous because you're so wonderful.
I think Corin needs to play this smart now and not gloat too much. Why DID John James come out and brag about calling Racheal a slag, basically? What part of the gameplan was that?
John James: 'I'm 24 years old... where's my mum?' This is almost as good as Nasty Nick sobbing under the covers. This is just perfect.
OMG WHAT. John James wants to speak to Nathan? How about saying sorry to RACHAEL? Nathan's not her fucking keeper. What planet are we living on?
Corin is right. He's not sorry, he's just scared. I think 'I'm 24 years old... just tell me where my mum is' is probably my favourite line of the series.
Soon, my pretty, soon! Time to dress up that crab and serve it. To a baying mob.

Sky 1: Must Be The Music

Oh it's the indie X Factor! Isn't that Orange Unsigned Act? Well even if it is, that isn't presented by Fearne Cotton, arbiter of all things indie and '4 realz'. But it did have Alex James* as a judge- RIP. (He's not dead, just as good as)
This show is judged by 'real talent': Jamie Gargoyle, that bloke out of Texas and Dizzie ('oliday!) Rascal. I'm missing Chezza Cole already. (Not really)
The prize of this show is to perform live at Wembley. Well, it's better than playing for the Queen, I guess. Ooh and £100K. *cheese
Dizzie Rascal always looks stoned but at least he's good for a laugh. Jamie Cullum makes me feel physically sick. I don't know how Sophie Dahl can even look at him. Sharleen Spiteri: I'd rather have Louise Wener.
First up is a child band. One member is called 'Antizzle.' Watching Jamie Cullum getting 'down wiv da kids' was embarrassing. Oh this band is quite good (for kids). JOTV, your little brother appears to be in it.
Hold on, the judges just press a button, don't they speak?! Oh they do speak. They is loving it. Jamie Cullum would play that at a party! Would he fuck! He's play some tedious jazz whilst Dahl cooked something unspellable in her cardboard kitchen. Fuck off.
Dizzie Rascal really reminds me of my brother I don't speak to. My brother isn't black, but has that same glazed look about him. And probably for the same reason (stoned). But still, there's something I like about Dizzie. He's a chancer done good. He's cool for no reason.
Do we need to be told after the 2nd break who the judges are again? I've not got amnesia. I can remember those cunts a mile off.
Next up is a boy band called MANTRIX! Mantrix! Mantrix. They have an Antony Costa figure. They called Fearne 'sweetheart'. Manprix, more like. OMG it's MANTRIXX not Mantrix. LOLZZ. There's an ugly one, an ugly one, an ugly one and a pasty one.
Dizzee doesn't look into it. Sharleen pulls a very strange face as she watches the acts, as if she's just heard one of her very own songs.
Ha, all the judges said no. Mantrixx sounds like a deodorant. Or a shaving gel.
Fearne is great for this show; her levels of transparent insincerity are about right.
Next is Pepper and Piano. Fearne is smiling. I'm not. Pepper's voice sounds like a cat getting shut in a car door when she goes for a high note. Fearne cried. Must have caught her cat in the car door earlier. Sob story! Fuck off.
Oh Fearne is telling us who the judges are again. Texas do have more than one song, apparently. Come back Cerys Matthews, all is forgiven (well, except that Mark Bannerman bullshit).
Now for some guy with purple hair and Emily Strange gloves on. Gotta love the goths. Bet he's from Northampton. Ooh it's 3 Inch nails! Trent Reznor called; he thinks you're a cunt. Dizzie: it was so crap I loved it. (Much as I feel about his music).
Next us is Daithi. He had good trainers. He's like a mini Patrick Wolf. He was kind of good, actually. He needs a vocalist. Aw, him and his girlfriend were cutey pies.
Last bit. Who are the judges again? Ah, thanks for telling me. I'm a cretin.
Ah, next up is Early to the Vineyard, a Christian band. Yes, they look like Christians (i.e. virgins). A lot of pent up aggression there. And some fine teeth. He's no closer to getting a girlfriend after that.
Patronised by Dizzie Rascal. There really is nowhere to go but down.
Oh Christ, a child playing a harp. That's enough for me.
This show was alright but it seemed to last 500 years. Even so, it was a thousand times better than Britain's Got Talent. And a tenth as good as X Factor. But of they replaced Dannii with Dizzie we could be talking.

Big Brother 11: Floodgate

If there was ever a metaphor for this year's BB it's surely the house falling to pieces before our VERY eyes. Hopefully the plague of locusts is due on Friday.
Eek that Bob Righter thing is scary as fuck. I'm going to have nightmares about him molesting me.
Bob Righter's predictions are too easy. Aren't they meant to act different? He didn't predict the day after tomorrow-style flash flood though, did he? DID HE? Who fitted that roof anyway? They need to get that Cowboy Builders dude in who looks like the Dungeon Master, quick smart.
Josie's wearing her Picasso's Etam range again.
So glad Corin used the word 'belittling' to describe Sam and John's behaviour. That's exactly what it is.
I can't WAIT for John James to go on Friday. He's been trying to destroy Corin's game for days on end now. He's hated her from day one, when he realised he fancied her and that wouldn't do. I'm so glad Josie sticks up for Corin.
It's funny how nominations don't exist any more and John James has gone back to his cunt self again. They should put use him for interrogation; he'd be great at torture techniques. And I have actually backed him for being an entertaining housemate up until now, but the attitude is out of control. He's lost the plot.
Pepper pot prick! LOL. Forsake your guyliner John James.
I heard JJ on live feed calling Cameron from years gone by boring. Personally, I'd rather fuck Cameron, and at least he was likeable.
John James, why don't you try not being a crabby little ballbag for a day? Oh you can't. That's your one setting.
Andrew/ Mario. Sexy times.
Josie on Sam being her butler: 'best day of my loife.'
George Lamb! Stood up by Josie. Hehe. If it'd been Archie it would have been another matter. That's one dirty laugh Josie's got. CHOOSE THE CRAB! Good old Josie, she didn't let us down. TTFN Laminator.
LOVE Josie lying to John James about the thong! Fucking love it. John james: 'I will not dress as that crab.' Two seconds later: dressed as crab. I like the fact they call 'crab eyes' the c-word. The crustacean that will not be mentioned!!!
How DID he know she was lying?! You put me in the... crabby position!
Given two choices: I'd choose the one that made John James look like a fuckwit, too.
He'd BETTER dress up as that crab or else.
John James will not be humilated on TV! Who's going to tell him?
Kick him out! Him in the crab costume would have been the best thing ever. Also, what about what he was saying to Corin earlier? Hypocrite! Ah, Corin just said it.
Dave did a funny: 'you're not much use to us alive, John?'
Oh John. Can't wait for you to leave this week. Sam muttering: 'crab eyes'. Funny.
So if Corin would have gone without make up, John would be in the crab suit right now? BULLSHIT!
At least Sam gave it to him a bit.
Anyway, isn't it the day when you do the opposite to what you normally do? Therefore; happy days with the crab suit.
Did JJ just disagree with John James? HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.
Everyone in there is DESPERATE to see him in the crab suit.
John James just cooked his own crab, there. The more he's revealed as a hypocrite, the louder he shouts.
What did Mario give Corin from down his pants? Was it a wrap of drugs? Maybe it's Phil's lost crack. Either way, she didn't seem that interested.
John James is on the warpath today. If he behaves like this on TV, can you imagine how he behaves with girlfriends behind closed doors?
John James, you deprived us of a classic Big Brother moment. You showed you're a humourless prick. Mario's right, you're a spent force. Call your mummy because your tea's ready. And we're done with you. (NB. If he does happen to stay in the UK and you ever see him scuttling down the street, be sure to shout 'crab eyes' at him)
Oh, he put it on! Hold on, didn't he say he'd rather suck Sam's dick? But did anyone call him crab eyes? I don't think so! Crab fail.
Let John James have a little swim in the pool.
I'd be scared if the house was flooding like that with all those electrics in there! Who built that fucking place? They need old skool Mario in there with his health and safety training. Don't put your brolly up indoors, Corin, it's bad luck. Was quite exciting when all this kicked off last night. Thought the show might be over!
I love the fact John James was wearing the crab suit whilst that all happened. Dear lord, I hope Corin's wigs are safe.
What's in the mystery box, a poncho?
Sam looks like he's going to be a page boy at a wedding.
I wonder where they got all the lilos from? They didn't even go to a hotel. They went to a portakabin. That's not much of a holiday. That was epic. Bed time.

Big Brother 11: Hungry like the (were)wolf

Hmm. Running out of patience now. Bring on the all-stars. Heard the housemates moaning on the live feed that the show ends on a Tuesday and no one is going to watch it. Correct.
This wig thing is boring as fuck. There better be some sort of point to it.
Also on the live feed: about ten million hours of John James talking about 'the game'. Not that he cares about the game. Honest.
Mario discussing the Pope with Corin. Educational stuff. I saw this on live feed (I watched 2 hours tonight!). If this is the best they've got, we're fucked.
Dave doesn't like people picking at his food? It figures.
Corin is wearing a top I've never seen her wear before. Has she been saving clothes for the last week? That's restraint.
JJ and John James will enjoy Corin legitimately getting annoyed about someone hiding her belongings. I can't STAND JJ!
I never even knew Corin's hair was fake! That's how observant I am.
Dave saw someone turn into a werewolf, and has seen someone go invisible! I'll have what he's having, please. He's worse than David Icke. LOL to John James 'you should be a stand up comedian' comment. Then Dave complains they're ridiculing him! You just said you saw someone turn into a werewolf. For God's sake, what do you expect people to say? John dealt with that quite well. STFU Dave. Just stop talking now, you're an embarrassment to the nation, and your long-suffering family (I suspect).
Oh Sam, give it up, you're getting on my wick. Stop terrorising all the women in the house. Why not pick on Steve instead? Oh.
Aw to Mario and Andrew's lie down. Lucky they're getting out on Tuesday; another three weeks in there and they'd be fucking like doggies.
After tonight's episode, I'll be quite happy to see the back of Sam and Crab Eyes this week, they're both a pair of cunts. They're just trying to fuck Corin over right near to the end of the show; it's so transparent. Fuck them. They don't deserve the win any more than she does.
John James telling Corin to leave because someone's stolen her make-up! He was basically saying Josie didn't see what she said she saw with her own eyes! Fuck me, he's got some gall. 2 minutes in the outside world and crab eyes would be banning Josie from hanging round with Corin. Then cutting her off from her family. Then.. well, you know what comes next.
Oh god, a nasty task when they're all in a mood with each other anyway. Uh-oh.
John James did a crab victory dance! LOL.
You don't often hear Mario having a bitch. I liked their little chat in the toilet.
John James is on such a witch hunt for Corin right now. It's actually despicable. Corin hasn't got the braincells to be the Machiavellian overlord he sees her as. She's just an idiot with a fake tan.
Corin, Josie, Mario (and at a push Andrew) final. Who'd have thought it could come to this? End.

Big Brother 11: When I wake up, in my make-up

John James thinks his relationship with Josie is perfect? I think he needs someone a bit more brow-beatable. I just watched a few snippets of (non) Armageddon-gate and he was hammering her so hard. Mind you, he was hammering everyone hard. He makes a broken record look like a 192bpm mp3.
'From what I know... I'm in love with her.' Is that the Prince Charles declaration? The Big Brother grilling him was quite sexy sounding.
I remember Corin saying she doesn't like people fucking with her stuff. So she probably doesn't like people stealing her eyebrow pencil. It's like stealing her actual eyebrows.
Riddle me this, Mario. God help us if that's the scrapings of the highlight barrel.
John James's back-scrubbing technique needs some work, she looked red raw afterwards.
LOL to the David Beckham perfume. Is it called Beckscum?
John James is getting more screwy as the days go on. He reminds me of the Woody Harrelson character in tedious monster-turkey movie 2012. He's lucky the show is coming to an abrupt end or he'd be screaming on top of a mountain in two weeks time. In fact, he might still be.
Housemates favourite meal task was quite cruel. John James's favourite meal was a hamburger. LOL. He makes me look sophisticated.
I've decided I want Mario in the final, and I hope he gets there. It means a lot to him.
Josie: John James doesn't even like you with a fanny, let alone a willy. Let's not kid ourselves.
Ouch Corin walking her 'tache! That's gotta hurt.
John's Josie's rock (pool). JJ sounds like he's setting Josie up for a fall, trying to make her say she might fancy someone else.
Davina McCaw task. LOL to Steve saying Dave's 'glory' BS is poppycock. I have heard John call Josie thick many a time. He's always undermining her position on things.
John's got two... braincells!
Sam is right about JJ- he wouldn't spit on him in the outside world.
Some of the faces during that task were classic- ie. Mario, John James and Corin.
Sam needs to think of a name for his game where you basically just whack a ball at each other's er... balls. Some of these blokes in there would be better off infertile.
Dave basically just agreed he DESERVED to be in the final! Fuck me. Too right Steve would have picked someone else to get the free pass: himself! Even Mario is envying Josie's position in the house now. Could this 'free pass' come back to bite her?
Pranks! Could there be anything duller? Oh yeah. JJ.

Big Brother 11: In Mexico, I lay on the grass

Dead show walking!
What has Andrew done in the past two weeks? Taken up space. Frowned. I've shown more emotion watching this programme.
Dave really, really, really hates Sam. Which makes me happy.
JJ is SO gutted he's having to wear those leaf pants. He's really HATING walking round showing his body off.
Ooh they are talking about the winnings! Surprise surprise Steve doesn't want to stay in the house if he wins. He has no interest in providing us with any sort of entertainment, he just wants the money and to run.
JJ is always digging into Corin, I hate him. She has offered 100 times more entertainment than him, and she's offered less than none. Corin fans, I suggest you vote JJ out.
John James is the ONLY PERSON in that house obsessed with winning. He is desperate for it!
Dave want to talk Sam into trusting him! You can't argue someone into trusting you, idiot. Dave: 'look into these eyes, they're eyes of love'. Sam: 'no they're not, they're scary.' Would Sam want to court Dave's daughter? I doubt it.
JJ is a wetrosexual.
Are Andrew and Mario going to get off with each other? It looked more genuine than John James and Josie. Mario just said 'obsequiousness.' I think that's the longest word I've ever heard in the Big Brother house.
Taco hell.This is Dave's dream task getting to stuff his face. Urgh JJ is a fucking dog- get some manners.
URGH please don't show us Dave puking! He looks like a fucking warthog! Nice camera work. Oh, Mario, you trouper. This is the mole we know and love. This seems like a bit of a health and safety issue. LOL at 'just leave me to it'.
OMG that was scary when John James said he was going to move to England to be with Josie. She is going to crash so hard. I feel really angry with him if he doesn't mean that. I think he might be the biggest gameplayer I have ever seen in Big Brother, and that's saying something.
Dave, why the fuck should I vote for you because you've got kids? Steve saying he deserves to be in the final. Does he fuck. Smug BASTARDS!
Oh I wish Sam Pepper could win, but I don't think he can with the stupid voting system they've got this week. I think we're gonna lose him.
Josie to Corin: 'John James said I'm so in love with you.' Corin: what does that mean? What does it normally mean?!
Mario and his eviction outfit! He's so desperate to stay, bless him. I felt warmer towards him again tonight.
In my ideal world I'd like Steve, Dave, JJ and Andrew go on Friday. But this world aint set up for lightupvirginmary.

Big Brother 11: Why is the last mile the hardest mile?

Hi! What gave Sam the impression that Littlejohn was his closest friend in the house? either way,he played a blinder with all the tears and histrionics.
John James simply 'got caught up talking about that situation in the shower.' Not in any way was he the instigator. Oh, no.
John James actually seemed quite genuine with that apology. The operative word is still surely 'seemed'.
Wow, this is a really boring episode of BB, there's fuck all to say about it.
Dear Jo: it's a foregone conclusion, not a full-blown conclusion. Now go pack your bag.
LOL to Josie saying she's like a sack of spuds in bed! I thought John James didn't like blowjobs?
I really want to see JJ crack and drop this pathetic nice guy act he's barely keeping up right now. I want him to show his teeth.
They didn't argue too much about choosing Josie to get to the final, did they?
John James actually looks LIVID. The camera man is having a field day zooming on on the crab zone.
Steve looked thrilled to be going home in 11 days. Can you see him in the all stars house? I don't think he'd be into it in the slightest.
John James bitching about Corin when really he's mad about something else.
The only housemates who would be worth going in all stars are John james, Josie or Sam.
Josie seemed very genuine in the diary room, showing her gratitude. I think we would have seen a much better Josie in that house if it wasn't for the crab tyranny.
Four to go on Friday? Should be a vote to save. I can see John James leaving. Which is fine, but god knows what else we'll be left with.

Big Brother 11: You're missing highlight show action right here

I'm a bit mash up, and it's 2am so god knows how this will turn out. I don't know who got evicted! Let it be Dave. Let it not be Sam.
Hate crab eyes? Keep Sam in. Give them all a shock.
Who are all these blonde people in the eviction crowd? It's like Nazi Germany.
Look at JJ's sparkly scarf! Ooh, isn't he dishy? NO HE'S A NUMPTY. I've seen potatoes with more personality. He should have got himself for something beginning with B: BELL END.
I was glad Corin got herself in ISpy, I doubt if I would have been so literal.
That task was silly but cute.
Why is Sam all flushed? Uh oh, John James is in trubs. Josie has got BEEF. Sam: 'you're missing this over here, highlight show action?' LOL then pointing out the fire exits!
Sam needling Josie when she's fuming anyway! Loves it.
OOH CRAB EYES IS ANGRY! Back off laydeez. There could be a misogyny moment coming on. She definitely DID give him an angry face.
Josie looks cool with those glasses on. Sam Pepper: marriage guidance counsellor.
Wack off? John James has forgotten how to say 'rack off'. He needs to brush up on his Home & Away.
Crab eyes are blazing!!! THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A PRIVATE MATTER. John James is going to whack Sam one. Sam's back on form tonight.
Josie don't make John James scuttle away sideways. He REALLY LOVES YOU. He's not just a manipulative cunt.
My boyfriend just called John James 'a nasty piece of itemary.'
They are not showing Dave or Jo at ALL! This makes me worried.
John James: 'Sam's not very smart.' Incorrect.
Why has John James got his cap on in the shower! Why are they all having a shower together? WTF. Something's not right.
Sam: 'fuck fight night this is Armageddon'. You'd better back that up. Since when was crab eyes the only person Sam could trust? He needs to rethink his relationships.
JOHN YOU'RE IN THE WRONG! STOP SHOUTING! Ooh, this is good. Come on Sam, squeeze those tears out. This is great for you.
Fucking boyfriend just made me pause this FOUR MINUTES before the end whilst he prattled off to the toilet and to make a drink. Is he having a laugh?
I want to use John James. For crab sticks. Josie looked scared when she was being nice to Sam and the door opened, like John James was going to come in and smack her one.
Dave's wearing his greet t-shirt I see! Maybe they took the rest of his clothes off him. That's the only explanation I can think of.
2nd show. Hold up! Someone's getting a free pass to the final? I wonder who that will be? *crab eyes* Urgh, the housemates choose! Bet they choose Steve. Steve'll take that fucker too.
Urgh: look at JJ's sweaty head. He makes Stuart and Dale (Stale t.m.) from years gone by look charismatic. I'll take the potato. Jo evicted. It didn't bode well for her when her odds were 200/1 earlier. Plus she's black. And a woman.
I like Jo's dress! they've all scrubbed up well for evictions lately.
Cliche count! Start the clock. 'It's all good. The penny dropped. It is what it is at the end of the day.' (brilliant!) 'Strings to his bow.
The difference between her with her make-up on and off is quite extreme! I need that make up.
Yeah we get it, you're pissed off with Corin. Zzz. Hormone treatment? Is she a tranny? Oh my boyfriend said it's probably HRT.
Cougar is about as offensive a term for women as WAG. It's certainly not something to style yourself on.
Goodbye messages to Jo. 'No one comes between me and my man!' Ooh, sorry, wrong show.
Sam's goodbye message was special. He did a spastic face and said 'lots of love'. Sweet.
Jo on Sam and Andrew; 'social services!'
What IS Davina wearing? Sorry, a little late to be wondering that, but still.
CRAB EYES! Shifty. Telling Davina what's what on her own show.John James looks sinister tonight. He's giving it the Tom Cruise fake smile! Oh nice when they chose Josie and she got a big cheer. Fuck Steve. John James and Steve both look bitter behind the fake smile.
No one looked shocked about the All Stars! Corin was hamming it up too much.
They are ALL UP NEXT WEEK. FOR FUCKS SAKE LETS GET DAVE OUT. Come on folks. You can do it. Please dial carefully. Love you.

Big Brother 11: There's a fucking cow in it

One minute after waking up they're arguing. Happy days!
I couldn't give two fucks about this horse task. Tasks should last one day only.
Oh dear, Sam's getting shafted with this edit so far. Dave is losing it today. I hope he does knock someone out and then gets kicked out soon after.
John James (not) leaping to Josie's defence again. Lovely.
Advert: Sienna Miller: what a cunt.
This horse task BLOWS.
Mario... rear end joke... oh, I can't be bothered.
'Sammy, you dingus'. Ooh, brand new Oz vernacular from crab eyes.
RESPECT to Josie forgetting Sam full in the face during sauce-gate. Then hitting him with a broom! LOL.
This horse-play can't match the open top bus shenanigans with village idiots Dave and Lisa last year.
Mario looks BITTER he didn't get to go chew that cud at the pantomime horse trials (does such a thing even exist? It sounds like flim flam to me)
If I was Josie I would have bashed Sam's face in by now, make no mistake. But I still want him in the house.
What is Dave drivelling on about about Josie? She's not exactly the second coming.
JJ and John: I think they liked the intimacy of being in that horse suit. 'You fucking beauty'. LOL.
I've gone off Sam a bit again today, he's being SO annoying.
Corin: 'you can't want what you can't have.' Incorrect. I want EVERYTHING I can't have (then I never want it again).
Aw to John James and Josie pining over each other when they came back, it seemed almost genuine.
Why was the pantomime cow in that race if he couldn't win it?! That task was dead fishy. Mammally.
Hat-gate. The other housemates were actually quite funny when they joined in the hat(e) song.
Sam's had four coffees and gone mental. Give him a pack of Haribo and he'll start gurning. Don't hide in the clothes horse, laddie. Mind you, it is a-p-t.

Big Brother 11: Martyr-dumb

Dave and Jo: everyone hates you. Just walk, the pair of you, get in the pantomime horse suit and gallop down them steps. Jo: 'know your place'. Sam: 'moany bitch'.
Jo, what have you actually brought to the house? Face-ache, that's about it.
JUST LEAVE DAVE, THE DOOR IS OPEN! Fuck me, is this all they've got for us tonight.
Josie and John James both look cute today; but I have drunk half a bottle of wine.
Sam Pepper playing the martyr in the diary room! Loves it. Keep him in.
Jo, can anyone say NEEDY? She's one needy psychotic bitch.
Corin on bumblebees: 'that one was the size of a horse.' The more Jo slags off Corin, the more I like Corin. Jo, you are digging your own grave here. Let me get a spade and give you a hand. Do you get me?
The torrent of hypocritical bullshit that comes out of John James's mouth is unreal. Everything John James says about Corin is just the bad parts of himself projecting.
Brie of temptation! I know someone who'd like this task: Lord Alex James, of course.
What's JJ and John James's horse called? Mr. Gaylord?
How can Josie and Jo weigh 25 stone? They can't be 12 and a half stone each. Sam and Corin are a match made in equine heaven. Nice horse name. Kolsek the Butcher aint bad either.
I like the fact Sam was eating that cheese before he rubbed it on himself. Delightful. Sam is actually a little cutie. So hope he stays this week.
Horse race task: zzzz.
Nice of Sam to read that letter in the style of a child.
Mario: 'I miss Ben.' You should have been nicer to him then!
Sad to see Josie bending to the John James and JJ hate mob. Still, it would be inevitable after a while, the way old crab eyes harps on.
Quorn sausages? Is Sam a veggie? Another reason to keep him in. It's what Morrissey would want.

Big Brother USA Season 12 (so far!)

I'm actually up to date with Big Brother USA, which is good as I'm normally about five behind. As usual Big Brother USA is consistently better than our show; they create drama without shoehorning it in, they shoot it nicely, and the tasks are actually interesting, and mammoth!
The dynamics are peculiar, though, and your favourite can go at any time, as there's no public vote, and the biggest schemers stay in the longest. And the less said about the host, the better.
Each week follows a set format, head of household competition, in which the winner gets to put two people 'on the block'. (The also get a fancy head of household room, which mainly seems to have lots of junk food in it) The nominated housemates get to fight for 'POV' (Power of Veto) and one might get to take themselves off the block. Then finally, the housemates get bullied and cajoled into who to vote for, and someone gets kicked out by a crushing majority. Oh yes, nomination are discussed openly. That's the main difference from our show, and it's great. Throughout the week they cut the show so you think it's going to go in one direction, but you can normally see right through it. Still, at least they make the effort.
My favourite character this year is Rachel, a trashy scientist/stripper, who has sparked up a romance with Disney-beefcake Brendan. This has put noses out of joint throughout the house, and every one has been gunning for them ever since. One of them is looking likely to be out on their ear this week. I'll miss Rachel with her ginormous boobs, red hair extensions and a penchant for going 'don't try to come between me and MY man!' you get the feeling is Brendan actually brought her home to his mum, she'd poison Rachel's lasagne.
Rachel and Brendan's main rivals in the house are the self-styled 'brigade' a bunch of hapless, overgrown teenagers who look like they could barely complete a crossword puzzle between them. There's Enzo, who calls himself 'the meow meow'- presumably because he's such a pussy as all the tasks (nb. I had to be sexist for that joke to work). Hayden is half-vegetable, half-Tyrone off Corrie, and last week his two-timing showmantic relationship with girlfriend Kristen ended when she was shown the door in her hippytard (don't ask); not a moment too soon. She made blocks of ice look friendly. Also in the brigade: Lane, a half-loveable redneck, and Matt, a self-important prick who is pretending his wife has a terminal disease to try and bag the half a million dollars. Matt also has what looks like a girl's suitcase decorated with skulls, and pyjamas that look like a babygro. Rawk. I cannot WAIT until the brigade start picking each other off; that's the best bit about BBUSA; they all have to turn on each other in the end.
The only other person of interest in the house is super bitch-Britney. She looks like she'd bake you an apple pie and water your plants for you whilst you were away; in actual fact I wouldn't be surprised if she shat in your sink. Utterly loathsome, yet she comes out with some viciously good one-liners. I'm torn.
Then there's Kathy, a trembling 'Sheriff' who looks like she's constantly about to cry. I hope she lives somewhere with a low crime rate because I'd have more faith in that detective off Catterick.
Finally, there's a dull gay, which is a shame, as they normally do a good line in gays on this show.
Evicted so far: uptight lesbian Annie, oddball jewish dude Andrew (fantastic leaving speech though), and passive-aggressive, bulldog-chewing-a-wasp Monet. She said she was a model; she must have been modelling muzzles.
The tasks are epic; tense and expensive; they look like movie sets and are actually interesting. And then every so often, they let the housemates watch a movie as a treat, and we watch them laughing so hard at some awful straight-to-dvd comedy. Just gotta love that advertising. Shameless!
So what will happen? Will the brigade break up the power couple? Will Kathy ever win anything? But most importantly, who wants to see my head of household room?

Big Brother 11: Gunge-on Master

I've managed to avoid the nomination result, and what with Twitter, Facebook and other things hi-tech idiots rely on, it's been as hard as trying to avoid arseholes in London,
So will it change their nominations them having to do them in public (via a gunking)? I say yes. Wassup with Andrew? Doesn't wanna gunk Steve, methinks.
Dave STILL DOESN'T GET nomination rules. Still! He's been in there long enough.
Jo doesn't like how she's coming across, acting like she don't give a toss. Good time to play the 'I want to leave' card. Sympathy gunge?
Ooh Andrew did do Steve! Hehe! Corin, do JJ and John James!
How come Jo's wearing a shower cap? Cheat!
Notice Jo didn't do John James, despite her constant drubbing of him in recent weeks? SCARED. In fact no one has done him yet- reign of terror. That's probably what BB are after. Glad Josie did JJ despite the bromance.
Hold on, the last couple of people can just vote tactically! This is BS.
Sam did Dave and Corin; nice work.
John James and Josie got no votes! I'd have just done then at the end for the crack. No one wanted to nominate them to their face, just behind their backs, they just went for the easy options.
Dave is SUCH a sore loser. Such a bad, bad loser. Mario is also a terrible sport.
CAN WE GET DAVE OUT THIS WEEK? Pretty please?
Jo, how can you moan for people nominating you? You are carping about wanting to go! IDIOT BOX. Fuck off. Also, you didn't dare nominate John James when it counted. So you're also fake as well as a cliched old bore.
LOL Dave can't do save and replace. They are gunning for that god-bothering gimp this week. Not before time.
Sam just talked about noms too! I know the rules and I'm not in there. What's their excuse?
Mario, please win this task. They've set him up to win this one, surely. Come on Mario, fight like when you were in that little mole suit and we really loved you.
Dave is being so bitter and bloody-minded towards Mario lately, it makes me sick.
Mario kicked arse at that task! Oh no, he picked Sam. I don't want Sam to go.
Yay to Corin telling Dave to belt up. BB are gunning for Dave now. Give him as bad an edit as humanly possible and let's take out the trash.
Sam's t-shirt is cool. Keep him in.
John James giving Josie shit for picking JJ. It's HER nomination, not yours, crab eyes. John James is now pissed off that NO ONE VOTED FOR HIM! Come on! You really can't win.
OMG now even Dave is having a go at Josie! Leave it out, PLEASE!
Urgh it's hard to choose who I hate more, Dave or Jo, they are both so completely abhorrent.
Jo; 'you can never judge a book by it's cover... that's the kind of person I am... what's mine is yours.' Someone get this cunt a Christmas cracker.
Dave sulking to BB that they don't want him in there; call the Samaritans. Phone the union. Commit suicide. Yeah keep stuffing your face with that jam roly-poly, Dave, you little crybaby.
Sam giving Dave short shrift! Love it. Mario comparing Dave the Jesus. Well, Dave does turn water into whine. (sorry)

Big Brother 11: Once a cunt, always a cunt

Strap yourself in for another riveting rollercoaster of a show! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Jo's words of wisdom: 'once a cheat, always a cheat.' Next up; 'what goes around comes around', followed by 'everything happens for a reason'. Please. Kill. Me.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT JJ'S SEXLIFE, MATES OR ANYTHING ELSE. He's a prick, a boring dullard. Not interested. Waste of a housemate. Fuck up for the last series.
Dave's green T shirt watch: he's STILL wearing it. Vom.
Mario quoting Florence. Profound. The dog days continue!
Don't worry, Dave, six million people aren't watching this shit. Mainly because YOU'RE STILL IN IT, YOU CUNT. Judgemental dickwad.
JJ talking bollocks? This blog writes itself. I'd rather shag Andrew than JJ and I wholeheartedly mean that.
Space invaders. I'll take the crisps. Not the beef ones though. Or the spicy ones. Just the pickled onion ones. 15p you say? Swizz. Fuck this credit crunch. NB. You can give that boring bastard a task but it won't actually make him interesting. It might just add a bit of padding to his non-existent best bits.
JJ just made Jo cry by pretending she looked upset and then giving her a hug. Unusual.
OMG Dave thinks Jo is upset because SHE SAID SOMETHING SHE REGRETTED LAST NIGHT, not because he's a sanctimonious dog-fucker. I literally just screeched like a banshee at the TV. I ask again; WHY DID YOU KEEP THIS PERSON IN???
Has anyone even noticed Andrew's not there?
JJ's hand on Josie's leg made me cringe. JJ doesn't like women who talk back, so never fear, ladies. I know for a fact JJ wouldn't even spit on Josie if she was on fire in any other situation, he just has to be nice to her because she's John James's moll.
JJ getting a massage: 'I'm not gay!' Well you look it, except I like gay people, and they aren't sexist wankers. (NB. I should have got to the end of the blog before I said that *cough* Mario)
34 minutes in and that's the first time I've seen Sam Pepper! What are they doing to us?
John James is being flippant with Josie's feelings tonight. If it was a girl treating a bloke the way he treats her in there, I can only imagine the vilification she'd be getting. The effigies would be stacking up. She's better than him, and I like her friendship with Corin. I warm to Corin sometimes.
I want to start calling JJ 'Ver-JJ' but it's too sexist.
Jesus: Corin has been the model of patience for 60 days or so in that house, she snaps at Sam Pepper, who was basically put in there to be an irritant, and she's vilified. What rank hypocrisy!
Mario calling women 'birds'! Guess he won't mind me calling him a fag then! He does? He'd better say sorry then.
John James actually brought pictures of HIMSELF into the house? Lawks. Steve gave up earbuds. He clearly cares for Sam dearly. Put some clothes on now, Sam, your B*witched tattoo is getting old.
Oh shut up Dave, I wish someone would face swap you, surgically if needs be.
I actually really liked Corin tonight, that proves how slim the pickings are.
Sam Pepper FTW. At least he's honest in his cuntery.

Big Brother 11: Watermelon, anyone?

John James talking about public perception, even though he's NOT PLAYING THE GAME. Honest.
Has Mario got a wig on? I thought he was wearing a wig for a task, but it's occurred to me, that's actually his hair.
Josie's insecurity is actually getting out of control. It's not a good idea to keep pointing out your flaws, it draws attention to them. Her arse isn't even that big, it's just out of proportion with her top half.
Jo doesn't like not getting any attention in there! They've put her in as 'the cougar' and she's got no young totty interested. I think she is badly jealous of John James's popularity and standing in the house. Just walk then! You are offering NOTHING whatsoever.
Marbles! Zzzzzzzz. You might be enjoying playing them, Dave, but we don't enjoy watching it, you turnip. I wish they'd take you out and not give you back. I swear he's been wearing that T-shirt for the past week.
I thought Sam was meant to be a decent artist?! Not impressed. Anyone not drawing John James as a crab is missing a trick.
Has Andrew got red hair? I wouldn't have said he does. Sam is funny. I like him more and more, but admittedly, the pickings are anorexic.
Mario grumbling about his drawing getting dirt on his picture. Not just as good as Rex defiling someone's artwork in previous years.
I liked it when Steve went 'boo' at Sam and he pinwheeled to the floor.
Dave is SUCH a bitch. I'm sure it's not what what Jesus would have wanted.
Dave going on about being a married man- blah blah. You're just a dullard and John James doesn't want to get put on the spot about Josie.
Corin has got her comeuppance with JJ, to be honest. She sold her girlfriend out for nothing, for less than nothing. Liked Josie saying 'who does he think he is?'
Apparently on the live feed Steve said he liked strangling women during sex. Why did that not make the highlights?! SEXY TIMES.
What was the mystical 'thing' JJ saw in Corin's personality that put him off? At least she's GOT a personality. Him moaning about 'other sides' to people's personality is a joke, at least they have two sides or more and not just a Topman voucher and a cravat where his heart should be.

Big Brother 11: I think he thought it was Halloween

Can't believe I have to suffer another week of that prickfest Dave - are these people loons? They must have misprinted the phone numbers, that's the only rational explanation. Ergh, I'm fucked off with this Scrooge task- there's only one feat of endurance being achieved here, and that's by the viewers. What is this bullshit with Corin and JJ? 'Tickling his front' yeah, the front of his knob. What's in it for either of them? It's like watching an acorn have it off with a corpse.
Who sits in the bath EATING? Is that acceptable in Australia?
Ah, gruel. FUCK OFF. Ergh, that close up of Corin in the mirror was grim - I swear she ages a decade every episode. Tim Burton should take this show over once C4 have done with it, most of the work's been done for him already. Oh Jo, please fuck off - you're about as badly conceived as that cunt who tried to get off with Lucas at the church jumble sale in Enders the other week. 'I hate arrogance'- lol, I've got a poster of it on my wall you stupid old bint.
Well done JJ, you just read out a list of food items- better than his usual schtick. Despite John James's constant hollow threats to flounce out, his recent militancy does actually ring true. He don't like wearing that dress much though, does he? Walliams he ain't. Sam is such a relentless pisstaker it hurts, but he is just about the only thing that makes this show worth watching in the absence of Ben. Why was he just being nice to Andrew? Probably cos he can see how much he sets him on edge. I think C4 would do just about anything to keep Sam in, and quite rightly so.
Good god, John James swears a lot doesn't he? He's getting the opposite of the Hira edit tonight. I think he's just miffed because he's still got to wear THAT dress. Strokegate! The National Stroke Association. Fuck me, he'd go mental if he knew they were cussing his breathing technique in the bedroom. Crab lungs, lol. Sam Pepper is like a young Mick Jagger fused with that Angelos cunt off Shooting Stars. John James- 4 real, lol. He's right though, Sam is a bit like a viewer in there, and so's Jo; they commentate on everything but don't give us anything of themselves.
Can you believe 177,000 goons watched that Dickensian bullshit on the C4 website? Have these people not been on the internet before. Fuck me, thanks christ that ask is over. Pepper rulebroke over a helping of pepper, lol. Do you think Steve will 'face swap' Sam next week? It'd be a good trade.
Funny how John James says he's never seen this show but seems to know the viewing figures! That guy has got the whole thing pegged; heartthrob, showmance, drama. And do you know what, I think Josie's almost onto him, if only she could see past the attraction. By the way, widger up arsecrack? She IS gagging for it.

Big Brother 11: Pepper spray

Are you excited about Mario's magic trick? Me neither! This task blows! Yesterdays show was sooo boring. Trying to sustain excitement since Ben gone is proving difficult. John James throwing a paddy in a dress was the best thing that happened yesterday. Why did they choose these people? Where are the Marcus's, the Freddies? Where's Rex? Instead we get Jo and JJ. They had 81 cunts to choose from, was this really the cream of the crop? Fuck a DUCK!
I like it when John just rounds on people. At least it provides some entertainment. Dave you ARE an inanimate object. Please go tonight. Get off my TV screen.
JJ looks like a little field mouse in that get up. I wish someone would stamp on him.
Like Sam riling Dave! Keep that up.
They showed Dave and Sam having the same conversation TWICE! Are we that hard up for highlights.
Dave- STOP TALKING ABOUT NOMINATIONS, THICKO.
Wow, these highlights are duff. LOL they're making sure Sam stays next week. Good move. I dread to think what this show would be like without him.
Every time Jo speaks I want to drain my blood into a large bowl and throw it out the window, just to stop the pain.
Swimming-costume gate! John James definitely smirked.
Oh the old smoking argument. SMOKING IS AN ADDICTION. Well, you got addicted, moron, not me, so suck it up. Corin is getting on my wick. Sam seems more sane every day. It would be funny if he won, right?
Sam getting told not to insult people by old crab eyes. That's rich!
Dave 'especially with a woman'. He really sees women as inferior beings who can't stand up for themselves, doesn't he?
2nd show. Oh, who cares? They should have the evicted housemate come out of that box, it'd be better.
Not just as good Ben's stand up.
OMG Dave survives again. WHY? He's going to start thinking he's popular at this rate. Don't get me wrong, Rachel is a complete gorm but fucking hell. She's not a homophobic anti-abortionist fantasist.
I like Rachel's dress. At least she's enjoying herself if no one else is. She's annoying but she was basically harmless, except for when she was gunning for Ben.
Aw, Ben. *wells up*
Rachel wants Dave to win! WHY?
Can you imagine ringing in with a question for Rachel? I mean, you might as well just shout down a well.
Ooh, all-stars in two weeks! Who decides who's our favourite housemates? Here's my pick: Ashleeeeeeeeen, Victor, Rex, Brian Belo, Brian Dowling, Helen, Derek, Craig (psycho, not builder), Freddie, Marcus, and there must be some other females I liked but I can't think of any.
NB. Crab eyes is going to win this hands down. You know it, I know it, he knows it. And he'll be off to Australia to top up his already big bank account, leaving Josie for dust. The end.

Big Brother 11: Pest control

Josie's roots! They are the most entertaining thing in the show. My boyfriend has gone off Big Brother big time and is being a big rain-cloud over the whole thing. I can't disagree though; it's just repetitive bullshit right now.
John James to JJ: 'do you understand where I'm coming from?' Of course he does, he's your little limpet.
No one is getting involved in this row! No one!
Dave is drunk on God. What a knob. Why doesn't Sam tear a strip off him?
I hate the way Rachel always wonders why people nominated her, does she have no self-awareness?
EW did Dave just say 'I'm going to curl one out?' VOMIT. WELL DONE AT KEEPING HIM IN, CRETINS.
Mario and John James: 'even Rachel might win this task!' Gallant.
Task! Sam: 'keep up that relentless pace.' At least he's got a one-liner or two in him.
Oh, Mario! Your chivalry becomes you. Yay- Dave's up! Don't let me down this week, dweebs.
What is John James's problem? Someone get the fly swat. What stirrer this dude is.
Dave finds Mario's way of choosing 'unusual'. This from the man pretending to be drunk on an imaginary being! To quote Steve, poppycock.
I kinda like Andrew and I still don't know why! I think he appeals to my inner (and outer) geek.
My boyfriend has now gone to bed. Big Brother is not helping my relationship! Be more entertaining!
URGH JJ shaves his armpits! I thought he couldn't get any less sexy; now he's half girl.
John James's morals about the game change dependant on the day and subject. He is a total hypocrite, totally inconsistent. In a nutshell, Mario didn't dare put Josie up in front of him. Littlejohn should be grateful.
Whoever put JJ in there should be sacked. Or shot. Take your pick. I'd rather watch two dogs fuck down an alley than Corin trying to get off with him.
Is Corin giving him a handjob? Groo. When will this all be over?

Big Brother 11: Decrease the decibels

Oh, Josie. Sam can't affect yours and John's relationship unless you let him.
NOMS. Hope Rachel goes this week. Andrew nominated Mario! Heh. Corin's crappy reason for nominating Jo! Rubbish. Just say she's an overbearing twonk.
Dave nominating Steve! Competition. He doesn't want to buy that computer knee, does he? Mario! Nooooo! Mario is being a dick lately. And the choice is getting smaller.
JJ doesn't like Rachel's voice. I don't like his FACE (I'd say personality but he hasn't got one).
I don't care who goes because I don't LIKE ANYONE! It's rubbish having no emotional investment. It's dull as a viewer.
Jo nominating John James. Yeah because you're providing so much more entertainment than him.
Everyone is out for Mario this week. That's going to put him in a good mood! Poor moley.
Ooh, Mario's after Josie's neck again. Abandoning dinner! Bitch. Letting people starve in the Big Brother house so she can have a frink! Mario is just jealous she's getting some action, methinks. Ditto the John James nomination.
Why would you bother nominating John James? It's obvious he's not going to go. He's the new JASON DONOVAN!
Steve's after John James and Josie, too. I guess you would be annoyed with them if you lived there and they just stayed in bed all day though. There's not much interaction to be had.
Bad Eastenders Character doesn't understand that it's all about high drama, not about her talking about DJing in Ibiza. She bores me to tears.
Josie stop justifying yourself because YOU are the one who needs to know where you stand, and you're terrified. You want to know as much as Sam does. Her and John ganging up on Sam just seemed tragic.
Sam is such a passion killer! Microphone gate. Josie and John James must be separated for the sake of our sanity. Stop nibbling each other's ears, goddammit.
Tree! Yes, Dave does make us yawn. RIP Ben.
John James's impression of the tree was good. JJ quoting the Bible was the funniest thing he's said in two weeks.
Is Josie still going on at Sam about the John James thing? BORING!
I like seeing people yawn on TV. You never see it in TV shows.
Jo is such a nosy so-and-so. She just wants to know what's going on! Keep your fucking beak out, dullard. She's right though; John James is holding the cards.
Sam's 'banter' is at least entertaining. It's better than JJ's.
Dave didn't seem too bothered that he didn't get his message. I'm surprised the satanic fucker can't understand backwards-speak. I thought he'd done OK at that task!
Aw John James admits to loving Josie Lee Collins. He just won't call her his girlfriend. I still like it when they cuddle, though. I like seeing affection in BB, we've been so starved of it over the years.
Aw John James and Josie sleeping on the floor. I am a sucker. They are both deeply flawed. Still, I cling.

BBC3: Glamour models, mum and me

What do you do when your mum is Alicia Douvall and she's pushing you to be a glamour model? Run away screaming.
Alicia Douvall is tapped in the head. Her thinking that 'the body is powerful and can make her easy money' about her own daughter Georgia is so screwed up, it's enough to make a feminist weep. What mother wants her daughter to have an unnecessary operation? She probably just wants her to be as disfigured as she is. I think the kid sees right through it; well it's not exactly a good advert, is it?
You are SEXUALISING A CHILD. Fucked up! It's actually child abuse.
Of course, if your mum wants you to be a glamour model, you become a scientist. If your mum wants you to be a scientist you become a glamour model. That's why I'm not having kids.
Alicia is an absolute idiot. Telling your child they don't need a back up plan when your plan seemed to be selling 25,000 kiss and tells and getting your face mashed up is pathetic. She looks like a burns victim.
Bloc Party are the background music for every BBC3 documentary I ever see! Kele, what you playing at?!
God, then Alicia is insisting she's her daughter's best friend. Just be a MOTHER. And I don't normally judge people's parenting, because I don't exactly have any experience in that area, but come on. Even an idiot guest on Jeremy Kyle could work this one out.
Next Georgia had to miss a load of school because Alicia had to have her breast operation fixed in LA. Jesus. She is actually jeopardising her kid's chance at an education to have work done on her mangled body.
The imbalance in their relationship is seriously disturbing. Georgia seems about 30 and Alicia seems about 12.
Even in agony at the millionth breast reconstruction, Alica was STILL trying to persuade her small child to get a boob job. That is mental illness.
Alicia: 'she speaks in another language to me, about atoms, not bikinis'. Yes, she's got a brain. She's seen who you are, and doesn't want to be it.
At the end there was some unconvincing epiphany when Alicia said to her daughter, 'you're perfect as you are.'
Yeah, see you in Nuts. Unless you RUN. Run, kiddo.

Big Brother 11: Heads, shoulders, knees and crab eyes

Sam: 'JJ you're a prick.' Apparently JJ likes that kind of 'banter'. I heard JJ say on the live feed that two famous people he'd like to be friends with are James Corden and Peter Andre (for the music). Music?! Case closed on this cunt.
Does that say 'c'est la vie' on Sam's chest? Isn't that a Bewitched song? Sorry, B*witched.
Everyone trying to convince themselves Sam is loveable scamp when really they can't stand him is quite special.
John James looks sexy again today... and this is why he will win. Even though he's a psychotic women-hater.
I thought Corin would be sweating about the lack of video tape from her girlfriend. But SHE is the one that doesn't seem bothered. She's just written off her girlfriend just like that. No more buzzing with her I guess! (apologies)
Jo is just a platitude-fest. She's got less character than a dishcloth. Has she even said one interesting thing since she walked through the door?
I can't work out what's going on in this task. It's definitely not as good as the endurance tasks on BBUSA, I know that much.
John James is loaded because he inherited loads of cash from his dead dad. I hate the thought of him lording it over Josie. I feel like she is heading for such a fall.
Magazine deals! Old crab eyes don't need the money. He doesn't approve of that sort of thing, either. John James is bearing his teeth like a chimp when Sam goes for Josie. But he didn't stick up for her. He should back Josie up on this one.
No one is going to be interested in Sam's story, that's for sure.
I liked Sam smirking during Andrew's date. I'm surprised Andrew chose him! Poor Andrew, he hasn't got a clue. Sam is quite camp really, he's like a bitchy queen.
I don't know why Josie is bothered about the magazine deal thing. I'd be more annoyed that he'd called me a fat slag.
If Jo is a dishcloth, JJ is an amoeba. I'd call him an oxygen thief but I'm not sure he's actually breathing. A boxer? I wish someone would punch him in the face. With a knuckle duster.
I liked Sam a bit more today. He's just a little devil. But rather a devil than a dishcloth.